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RSVP on STD

Knottie93123813Knottie93123813 member
in Chit Chat
Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
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Re: RSVP on STD

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Knottie93123813 said:
    Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
    No.   You can't put a response on a save the date.   The purpose of a save the date is to tell the guests that an invitation is forthcoming and they can use the information you provide to make travel arrangements / accommodations.    It's not an invitation and shouldn't be treated as one.   Also, people's lives may change.   Some people may tell you they can't make it and then may find a way to be there.   

    Unless you're having a destination wedding or one on a holiday weekend you could also avoid the cost of mailing save the dates altogether.   They're not needed and most weddings that DH and I attend don't have them.

    I will say that either way, you're going to have to hunt down responses.   It happens.   They get lost in the mail, people forget, or sometimes the initial invitation doesn't arrive at its destination.   Crap happens.   You're going to need to make phone calls but the beauty in the call is that you can put teeth into it.   You can say that you won't accept a maybe.   You don't have to take a non  response for a yes.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    STD are just save the dates.  They are not an actual invitation to RSVP to.     Plus things change during the STD period and the time of the wedding.   People who say yes, might change to no.  No's got to yeses.


    For example my cousin sent out an STD and I verbally told her I could not make it due to work.  Well fast forward 6 months and work changed their schedule and I could now go.  However, she took my verbal no as an absolute and never send me an invitation.  So I didn't go to the wedding.

    On the flip side, I had someone get pregnant during the time of the STD and the wedding and they had to back out.

    All STDs get an invitation.  Period.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    RSVPs are for invitations.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    No, this is not acceptable.  Everyone who gets a STD must also get an invitation (which is what will have the RSVP), even if they tell you they might not be able to make it at the time they receive their STD.  Plans change.  You must account for them in your budget and numbers, including any SOs they might have. 


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  • anniecm5anniecm5 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope. 
    Woman. The word for a human who is female is woman. Just because she cheated on her husband doesn't make it okay to sloppily dehumanize her.
    Yeah, the word female really bugged me too.  She might be a shitty person, but seriously?  


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  • princessbuttercup09princessbuttercup09 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    People can't really RSVP on a save the date because it's just too far in advance for most guests to make a firm plan. If you're looking to save money on Save the Dates or invites check out sites like Groupon. My sister just got a great deal and only spent $40 on invites because Staples had groupon for 100 invites for $25 and 50 invites for $15. I hope that helps!
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kmmssg said:
    levioosa said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope. 
    Woman. The word for a human who is female is woman. Just because she cheated on her husband doesn't make it okay to sloppily dehumanize her.
    Yeah, the word female really bugged me too.  She might be a shitty person, but seriously?  
    I would think nothing of this.  In the military (remember, that is where I spent my career) there are males, females, and spouses.  I fought my way through a lot of sexism and I really don't bat an eyelash at this.  Maybe it is my background, but I just don't find it dehumanizing.
    It's been especially grating on my nerves lately because I have a clinical instructor who keeps saying "females cause all of the drama in the workplace.  It's FEMALES who are always gossiping....Females can't handle a professional work environment.  It's in peer reviewed journals--females are always full of drama and they're the ones who cause lateral violence."  

    It's really getting to me.  And guess who is the biggest gossip at school?  Yup, him.  I seriously feel my eye twitch every time he says the word female.  


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  • redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    kmmssg said: levioosa said: STARMOON44 said: I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope.  Woman. The word for a human who is female is woman. Just because she cheated on her husband doesn't make it okay to sloppily dehumanize her. Yeah, the word female really bugged me too.  She might be a shitty person, but seriously?   I would think nothing of this.  In the military (remember, that is where I spent my career) there are males, females, and spouses.  I fought my way through a lot of sexism and I really don't bat an eyelash at this.  Maybe it is my background, but I just don't find it dehumanizing. *boxes*

    I think it's the use of "the female" that bothers me the most. Reminds of National Geographic specials, describing animals. "The female lion" or whatever. That's, I think, where the dehumanizing aspect comes in.
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie93123813 said:
    Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
    His mother is correct.  The timeframe that it is acceptable to send out save the date cards would not make them appropriate to have an RSVP request.  Most people don't know if they'll be available that far out.  If you're looking to save money, you should probably not send save the date cards to everyone on your invitation list.  You could also not send out save the date cards at all and just let your VIP guests know verbally what time/location you're planning on having the wedding.  That way you can trim your guest list between the save the dates and invitations if you can't find other places to slim down.  (Anyone who receives a save the date card must receive an invitation regardless if they follow up by telling you they won't be able to come.)
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie93123813 said:
    i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them       
    Yes it is tacky. STDs go out around 6-10 months before the wedding. It's rude to expect people to RSVP at that point. It's WAY too early. 

    Also, anyone who gets a STD should also get an invitation, so this won't really work anyway. 

    I'll just toss this in there as well - invitations should go out no more than 6-8 weeks before the wedding. And all invitations go out at the same time. No B-listing.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you don't want to spend the money to send out tons of invitations, then trim your guest list. It sounds like you're only inviting some people "just to be nice" and you don't even expect them to come. 

    Well, my H's mom made us do this. She needed to invite some distance relatives "just to be nice" but no worries because "there's no way they'll actually come." Well guess what? They ALL came. Which was fine, we had the budget and space to accommodate them. But if you send someone an invite, then assume they ARE coming until they tell you otherwise. And make sure you have the budget and space to accommodate every single person you invite. 

    I agree with PP about not sending STDs at all. Because, as has been stated, every person who gets an STD must get an invitation. 
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  • flbride2015flbride2015 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    kmmssg said:
    levioosa said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope. 
    Woman. The word for a human who is female is woman. Just because she cheated on her husband doesn't make it okay to sloppily dehumanize her.
    Yeah, the word female really bugged me too.  She might be a shitty person, but seriously?  
    I would think nothing of this.  In the military (remember, that is where I spent my career) there are males, females, and spouses.  I fought my way through a lot of sexism and I really don't bat an eyelash at this.  Maybe it is my background, but I just don't find it dehumanizing.

    Yeah, same here. I think I use male and female all the time when referring to people out of habit from the military. It would never occur to me that it comes off as dehumanizing to some. Good to know for future reference.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    flbride2015 said:
    kmmssg said:
    levioosa said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    I sent an STD to my two married friends, who actually were both good friends of mine. The female since cheated on him and they're split up now, I don't want anything to do with her.. Not sending her an invite and don't care if this is breaking any rules. Nope nope nope. 
    Woman. The word for a human who is female is woman. Just because she cheated on her husband doesn't make it okay to sloppily dehumanize her.
    Yeah, the word female really bugged me too.  She might be a shitty person, but seriously?  
    I would think nothing of this.  In the military (remember, that is where I spent my career) there are males, females, and spouses.  I fought my way through a lot of sexism and I really don't bat an eyelash at this.  Maybe it is my background, but I just don't find it dehumanizing.

    Yeah, same here. I think I use male and female all the time when referring to people out of habit from the military. It would never occur to me that it comes off as dehumanizing to some. Good to know for future reference.
    "Murray: Woman, lend me five dollars.Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman"!Murray: Excuse me, Miss Dionne.Dionne: Thank you.Murray: Okay, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking but not necessarily misogynistic undertone. [hops away]Tai: Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.Cher: Oh, well, this is a really good school."

    Sorry. That's what this reminded me of. 
    ________________________________


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  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    thisismynickname said:
    "Murray: Woman, lend me five dollars.Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman"!Murray: Excuse me, Miss Dionne.Dionne: Thank you.Murray: Okay, but street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking but not necessarily misogynistic undertone. [hops away]Tai: Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.Cher: Oh, well, this is a really good school."

    Sorry. That's what this reminded me of. 
    I want to thank you for finding that quote cause it is also what I thought of.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer

    You can send out STD's then actually TALK to these people sometime in the next 6-12 months to get an idea of whether they plan to attend or not. I feel that if they are close enough to be invited to your wedding, they should be close enough to talk to on occasion. Or if they aren't close to you and FI, maybe see if your/his parents can get some idea from these people when they talk to them.  By the time I sent out invites I had a pretty good idea of who was attending and who wasn't.  Some people I had talked to personally.  Some had relayed to my parents or DH's parents that they plan to attend or that they can't make it. But, when STD's went out, most of the family/friends started talking about it in normal conversation, even if just to say "I'm really looking forward to it and seeing everyone" or "I wish I could make it, but can't". Yes, if they got a STD they still need to receive an actual invite.  And there's no guarantee that they will actually go or not go until they actually RSVP to the actual invite (even then there's no guarantee that they won't change their minds). 

    image 

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  • BelthilBelthil member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Knottie93123813 said:
    Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
    To the bolded...are you already married? If so then you're not inviting them to your wedding, it's your vow renewal. 
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Belthil said:
    Knottie93123813 said:
    Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
    To the bolded...are you already married? If so then you're not inviting them to your wedding, it's your vow renewal. 
    It says husband to be.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • BelthilBelthil member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    MagicInk said:
    redoryx said:
    Belthil said:
    Knottie93123813 said:
    Hello all i need some help my husband to be has a very big family and most of them wont be coming to our wedding and i like the save the date cards is it tacky to put a rsvp on them because the place we want to get married we can afford for them to all come but if we know that like half the people aren't coming we will have more money to spend on other things , i am so stressed out about this because i don't want to be tacky but i also don't want to have to spend an extra 100  on invites just to some people are happy they got one but are not coming and his mom said that most of them wont respond which is rude and a waste of paper.        
    To the bolded...are you already married? If so then you're not inviting them to your wedding, it's your vow renewal. 
    Keep reading the next two words: she is calling him her "husband to be"
    All the words. Gotta read all the words. Don't just stop at one or two.
    Thanks, that was a total reading fail on my part.
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