BM said no...then asked to be back in!

B2B0088

I asked a friend of mine to be a bridesmaid over 2 months ago and after consideration, she said no due to financial reasons.  She lives out of state and the trip would have been expensive for her.  I understood and didn't pressure her in any way.  Fast forward to this past weekend, and she asked if she could still be a bridesmaid, because she had airline miles she could use. (why she didn't want to use them when I asked her is beyond me.)

A I wrong, or is this incredibly presumptive on her part?  The wedding is in two months and it's too late to get the dress as they're coming from another country and the shipping time is long.  Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else and certain arrangements have already been made to accommodate the group of peole who said yes when I asked. I know it will kill her to tell her no, but I really have no choice.  I am dreading this conversation because I care about her and do not want to hurt her, but the answer has to be no.

Advice, please?

arrrghmatey

B2B0088 said:

I asked a friend of mine to be a bridesmaid over 2 months ago and after consideration, she said no due to financial reasons.  She lives out of state and the trip would have been expensive for her.  I understood and didn't pressure her in any way.  Fast forward to this past weekend, and she asked if she could still be a bridesmaid, because she had airline miles she could use. (why she didn't want to use them when I asked her is beyond me.)

A I wrong, or is this incredibly presumptive on her part?  The wedding is in two months and it's too late to get the dress as they're coming from another country and the shipping time is long.  Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else and certain arrangements have already been made to accommodate the group of peole who said yes when I asked. I know it will kill her to tell her no, but I really have no choice.  I am dreading this conversation because I care about her and do not want to hurt her, but the answer has to be no.

Advice, please?

arrrghmatey

Tell her the truth: "Beth, I would have loved to have you as a bridesmaid, but I'm sorry, it is too late. Your dress would not make it in time, and plans have already been made."

Does she still plan to attend your wedding? If so, and you would like her to be involved in some way, consider inviting her to get ready with you and your bridal party. Or you could go get mani/pedis together.

Edit: spelling

mikenberger

Absolutely it's presumptous. I went through the same thing with my best friend. "I hate weddings and I never want to be in another one!" I gave her one last chance to be in the bridal party and she declined again. So I moved ahead with my plans with other friends and lo and behold: 4 months before the wedding she wanted in. I had to tell her no. I couldn't ask one of my other bridesmaids to step down and I didn't want to add another bridesmaid. So I just told her what the situation was and we talked about it. 

You're friends. You should be able to discuss this. It's no reflection on her as your friend that she's not in your bridal party or wasn't able to be in it. I would encourage her to come to the wedding and celebrate with you. That's just an important as being in the bridal party. Maybe get a special photo with you two?

Jen4948

Yeah, it's not appropriate of your friend.  I think it's fair to say to her, "Amy, when you turned down being my bridesmaid before, I took that to be your final decision on the matter and planned accordingly.  So it's too late for me to make you a bridesmaid.  That said, I'll be happy to put you on the guest list for wedding-related events and you're more than welcome to come get ready with us."

Maggie0829

"I am sorry but it is too late for you to be a BM.  Plans have been made with the assumption that when you declined that was your final decision."

Since you said that she has miles so she can now fly to your wedding I am assuming that she wasn't going to be able to attend at all instead of just not being able to be a BM.  If that is true then make sure you tell her how excited you are that she can now come to your wedding.

[Deleted User]

I agree with PP to just tell her that while you would love for her to be a BM it's too late to get the dress all the other girls are wearing and you made plans for everything already based on who accepted, but that it would be great if that means she could come to be a guest at your wedding and still celebrate your special day with you.

Viczaesar

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

Jen4948

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

MobKaz

I agree with the PP's. My hope for you is that your dresses come in with time to spare and that they are what you expected. My eyes saw, "the dresses are coming in from another country", but my brain read "knock off website". Good luck.

Jen4948

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."


Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I can see how it can be seen as replacing.  They way it seems in her post was that OP asked this person and since she said no OP then had to ask someone else to fill the spot that her friend left open when she declined.  To me it seemed more about having a set number of BMs rather then her asking someone else because she had planned to the whole time.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.


I can see how it can be seen as replacing.  They way it seems in her post was that OP asked this person and since she said no OP then had to ask someone else to fill the spot that her friend left open when she declined.  To me it seemed more about having a set number of BMs rather then her asking someone else because she had planned to the whole time.

I think it depends on whether the subsequently asked bridesmaids were going to be asked anyway, regardless of whether anyone else was asked or declined after being asked. If they were, then there's no "replacement."

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I can see how it can be seen as replacing.  They way it seems in her post was that OP asked this person and since she said no OP then had to ask someone else to fill the spot that her friend left open when she declined.  To me it seemed more about having a set number of BMs rather then her asking someone else because she had planned to the whole time.

I think it depends on whether the subsequently asked bridesmaids were going to be asked anyway. If they were, then there's no "replacement."

Exactly.  But I get why Viczaesar took it they way she did.  The original post just kind of reads that way, which is why it was pointed out.  If that is not the way OP meant it then okay.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I can see how it can be seen as replacing.  They way it seems in her post was that OP asked this person and since she said no OP then had to ask someone else to fill the spot that her friend left open when she declined.  To me it seemed more about having a set number of BMs rather then her asking someone else because she had planned to the whole time.

I think it depends on whether the subsequently asked bridesmaids were going to be asked anyway. If they were, then there's no "replacement."

Exactly.  But I get why Viczaesar took it they way she did.  The original post just kind of reads that way, which is why it was pointed out.  If that is not the way OP meant it then okay.

I can see why she read it that way too.  It's just that the evidence one way or the other isn't in the post.  The OP would need to clarify.

B2B0088

I can see how my original post sounds as if she was replaced. 

Technically, she was not replaced, but even if she was, I imagine that piece of information is irrelevant to my dilemma anyway as the number of bridesmaids I am having doesn't need to be a certain number.  So I probably shouldn't have thrown that in!  Sorry for the extraneous info!

B2B0088

MobKaz said:

I agree with the PP's. My hope for you is that your dresses come in with time to spare and that they are what you expected. My eyes saw, "the dresses are coming in from another country", but my brain read "knock off website". Good luck.

Haha, no, the dresses are summer dresses from etsy and one or two bridesmaids have already received them and they are adorable.  So no JJ's House incidents here!

B2B0088

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

Yes, everyone was asked 4 months before the wedding, about two weeks after we were engaged. It's a fairly short engagement.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I disagree.  If the other person was only asked as a result of the first bridesmaid saying no, that's a replacement.

Jen4948

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I disagree.  If the other person was only asked as a result of the first bridesmaid saying no, that's a replacement.

That's just the fucking point I was making-if the person was only asked because someone else declined, and was not going to be asked all along, they're a replacement.  But if the person was going to be asked all along, and it sounds like in this post that's the case, then they are not "replacements."  

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

Viczaesar said:

I agree with PPs, but you should also not have replaced her with someone else.  Also, did you ask everybody 4 months before the wedding?

She was not replaced.  She was asked at the same time everyone else who was asked.  She said no when they said yes.

According to the OP she asked someone else when this potential bridesmaid said no: "Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else."

Had this girl actually accepted and then stepped down, then yeah, a new bridesmaid would be a replacement. But if everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined, I don't think that's a replacement, and in fact, I think that it would be a stretch to claim that it is, because we advise brides and grooms to ask each person separately anyway. They're generally not all together when they're asked. And if the first (or for that matter, any other) person asked declined, that shouldn't mean the bride or groom can't ask anyone else.

I disagree.  If the other person was only asked as a result of the first bridesmaid saying no, that's a replacement.

That's just the fucking point I was making-if the person was only asked because someone else declined, and was not going to be asked all along, they're a replacement.  But if the person was going to be asked all along, and it sounds like in this post that's the case, then they are not "replacements."  

From her wording, I have no idea why you would think that "everyone was asked one by one, and someone was asked after she declined."  Otherwise it wouldn't have been mentioned as a reason not to let her back into the wedding, because nobody would have taken her "spot."

Jen4948

From the subsequent post, the OP says the declining bridesmaid was NOT replaced. So it reads to me like all the bridesmaids were going to be asked all along, including the one who declined.

climbingsingle

"Not to mention that when she said no, I asked someone else"

Replacement bridesmaid.

If one of my closest friends said she couldn't be in the wedding, I'd be sad. Of course I would understand. And if that friend then said, "Hey, I figured out a way that I can swing it!" I'd be happy. Because this is supposed to be one of my best friends. And I'd figure out a way to get her a dress.  

laceykeo

"I wanted A, B, C, and D in my bridal party. I asked A, who said yes, I asked B, who said yes, I asked C, who said no, then I asked D, who said yes", is an awful lot different to "I wanted A, B, and C in my bridal party, but C said no so now I have to ask D".

OP says this was not a replacement...

The "when she said no, I asked someone else" threw me off, but... *shrugs".

lyndausvi

If I asked someone to be in my wedding they are either close family or friends.

I would be ecstatic if one of had declined and since then had a financial change that now allows them to attend after all.

Dresses be damned I would welcome them with open arms back into the WP.

That's just me though.  I do not think you have to welcome them back into the WP.  But I think dress excuse is kind of lame.  Understandable, but lame.

Viczaesar

scribe95 said:

I think she meant exactly what she said in the first place.

Yep.

thisismynickname2

Is the dress story for real? Like, is the store telling you this but you could pay extra for rush if you really had to? 

The reason I ask is that I was recently a BM in a fairly large bridal party. To make a long story short, one friend of the couple recently moved back to town and they'd simply grown a lot closer over the months leading up to the wedding. They literally asked her to join the bridal party the week of the wedding. She was able to get a rush order, overnighted bridesmaid dress (Donna Morgan). 

If you really want this person in your wedding, try to swing it. 

spglsp

thisismynickname said:

Is the dress story for real? Like, is the store telling you this but you could pay extra for rush if you really had to? 

The reason I ask is that I was recently a BM in a fairly large bridal party. To make a long story short, one friend of the couple recently moved back to town and they'd simply grown a lot closer over the months leading up to the wedding. They literally asked her to join the bridal party the week of the wedding. She was able to get a rush order, overnighted bridesmaid dress (Donna Morgan). 

If you really want this person in your wedding, try to swing it. 

It doesn't sounds like she really wants her in the wedding at this point. I can appreciate not wanting to run around any more than you already have to with a short engagement to accommodate the friend who said no. Is it possible? Maybe, only the bride really knows. But it's not a requirement.