Passive Aggressive FMIL

Knottie91379610

Please refer to last post. Thank you all. 

jacques27

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, this is a little reflection from my past discussion on the Outdoor Weddings forum. I am not here to talk about that, though, but it has made me think about  my FMIL and how things played out in planning an outdoor reception in June 27 in Arkansas. 

Fiance and I always wanted an outdoor reception. We love nature, we love being outdoors. I am half Puerto Rican, and don't mind heat, he's from Arkansas and he's pretty use to it. We were at first planning our wedding for March 2016, but situation that we are in, both going to be seniors in college next year in Oklahoma and Oklahoma march weather is EXTREMELY unpredictable, we decided June 27 2015. Picking this date was terribly and extremely stressful and painful. In laws were not pleased, and were not supportive at all, which hurt a little more. 

We still wanted to stick with our outdoor reception in the evening because the temperature was cooler. We wanted to begin our wedding ceremony at 5:30 p.m., and then have dinner at the backyard at 6:30 p.m. But, FMIL was still not pleased, as she was more concerned about the guests:

She wanted us to leave the reception at the church so the elderly can stay and eat before leaving. She was concerned that most guests wouldn't be able to drive to the reception (but we figured out a solution to that) but she was still persistent that somehow, guests would not be able to drive themselves to the house, which is 7 mintues away from the church. She wanted us to have an earlier reception out of those who cannot stay up pass six and needed to get home, and thus, an earlier church ceremony. Discussing this was stressful. I honestly wanted to tell her that this is what her son and I decided and this is what we wanted. Why can't she be concerned about us as she was for the ederly? I love people, and of course I want the elderly to be comfortable and happy, but I thought what she was saying were silly excuses because she was unhappy with the date we pick to begin with. 

The thing is, I cannot approach her about my feelings, because she is a people pleaser, extremely passive aggressive and holds grudges for a long time. Above all, I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I truly value her opinions. She is a person to be respected like anyone else, and I wanted to go into my new family with good ties. I love my future family, but I feel a little bit defeated. In the end, fiance and I compromised, and we're having an earlier ceremony/reception (not by much though, I definitely did not want the ceremony at 2:00 like she wanted).  Things are now muddled up because we're having two receptions to appease her wishes concerning the elderly. Months later, I am still putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand why this made sense to her, but as it complicates things, I am getting more stressed out. The wedding is less than three weeks away, and there is little we can do about the ceremony and the two reception dinners. 

So, if you were patient with me and read all that, I am asking you ladies how you feel about this situation. What do you think I should've done or said? I have one side of friends saying, "It's your day! You guys need to be happy, and everyone else will be happy once they see how much you're happy!" then I have other friends who are shaking their heads and fingers at me. It'd be good to have a third party, even if you ladies are strangers. 

The minute you invite guests, it ceases to be "your day". 

Yes, you are the ones getting married.  That ceremony is about you.  But the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony.  It is the first time you are receiving (hence, reception) guests as a married couple - you are hosting them.  And just like any other party you host (dinner party, birthday party, etc.) your primary concern is the comfort and well-being of ALL your guests (not just some of them, not just the ones that are family, not just the young ones who like to party all night).  If you wanted it to be all about you, then elope with no other people involved. 

I'm not even touching the other stuff, because ugh.  I'm not saying your FMIL went about things the right way (and whether or not she's contributing financially makes a difference in how much say she has and how this could have been handled by you) or that she's even correct in her assumptions about what is or is not reasonable to expect of your elderly guests or that what is currently planned was the correct way to solve this dilemma (because honestly, it sounds like a hot mess).  But her perspective in caring about them is spot on and should have been your perspective, too.  The minute you decided not to elope and invite guests, that "my day" nonsense should have flown right out of your head and you should have been approaching your wedding planning from the perspective of being a good hostess to your guests, which means that portions of your "vision" may have needed to be compromised in order to make sure that ALL of your guests are treated equally well (meaning they are hosted with food and drink appropriate to the time of day and all have a place to sit in an environment that is comfortable - not too hot, too cold, too hilly, too wet, etc.).

aliwis000

I honestly want to call troll on this one.

In the case it is not:

@jacques27 did a great job of summing up my thoughts.

Go back and read all the times you said "I want this" or "We want that" ...it was too many. The moment you want to invite guests you have to think about their comfort. I do not care if both of you are ok with the heat, your body temp really does not matter once you invite people. I know, I know, it is your wedding day and you might even be paying for it 100% but it does not matter. You are an adult and when an adult throws a party/event they are responsible for the comfort of their guests over their own wants/needs.

Just the way it is.

mikenberger

You did not plan something that accommodated some very important people that you invited. She was speaking up for those people saying "Hey! That time of day is not the best of this group. Why didn't you think about them?"

Instead you didn't. You had a wedding vision that you felt superseded the comfort of your guests. Which, my dear, is not how it works when you invite people. I wouldn't want to be sitting outside in the heat in Arkansas in June. And I'm a woman in my early 30s in good health. You should've had your wedding in a better season than Hades in Arkansas. Otherwise known as "summer". Or eloped. Then you could've done whatever you wanted to do.

But honestly, you're being the selfish one here. Not your FMIL.

lnixon8

You're wedding is in 2.5 weeks. What do you want us to say? You planned poorly, when FMIL (who I'm assuming is helping foot the bill) suggested some changes you should have worked with her so it didn't have to be "us" vs. "her". But its probably too late to make any significant changes.

climbingsingle

It seems like your FMIL was concerned mostly with the comfort of your guests. And she is 100% right. My H and I love to sail. That doesn't mean we'd have our wedding on our sailboat. My grandmother gets seasick. There wouldn't be room for everyone. Get my point? Just because you LOOOOOVE something doesn't mean you need to incorporate it into your wedding day. I love the outdoors too. But I'm not going to have an outdoor event in 80+ degree weather and make all my guest miserable.

redoryx

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

Knottie91379610

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

mikenberger

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

No, you didn't think two bits about the weather for your guests and how heat may affect them. Or you wouldn't be so gungho with an outdoor reception and basically telling your guests "Can't deal with the heat, oh well!" 6:30pm can almost be worse than 3pm because you're still dealing with all the heat and humidity of the entire day. You 100% did not consider your guests fully and now you're dealing with a miffed FMIL. Which I do not blame her one bit.

Knottie91379610

jacques27 said:

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, this is a little reflection from my past discussion on the Outdoor Weddings forum. I am not here to talk about that, though, but it has made me think about  my FMIL and how things played out in planning an outdoor reception in June 27 in Arkansas. 

Fiance and I always wanted an outdoor reception. We love nature, we love being outdoors. I am half Puerto Rican, and don't mind heat, he's from Arkansas and he's pretty use to it. We were at first planning our wedding for March 2016, but situation that we are in, both going to be seniors in college next year in Oklahoma and Oklahoma march weather is EXTREMELY unpredictable, we decided June 27 2015. Picking this date was terribly and extremely stressful and painful. In laws were not pleased, and were not supportive at all, which hurt a little more. 

We still wanted to stick with our outdoor reception in the evening because the temperature was cooler. We wanted to begin our wedding ceremony at 5:30 p.m., and then have dinner at the backyard at 6:30 p.m. But, FMIL was still not pleased, as she was more concerned about the guests:

She wanted us to leave the reception at the church so the elderly can stay and eat before leaving. She was concerned that most guests wouldn't be able to drive to the reception (but we figured out a solution to that) but she was still persistent that somehow, guests would not be able to drive themselves to the house, which is 7 mintues away from the church. She wanted us to have an earlier reception out of those who cannot stay up pass six and needed to get home, and thus, an earlier church ceremony. Discussing this was stressful. I honestly wanted to tell her that this is what her son and I decided and this is what we wanted. Why can't she be concerned about us as she was for the ederly? I love people, and of course I want the elderly to be comfortable and happy, but I thought what she was saying were silly excuses because she was unhappy with the date we pick to begin with. 

The thing is, I cannot approach her about my feelings, because she is a people pleaser, extremely passive aggressive and holds grudges for a long time. Above all, I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I truly value her opinions. She is a person to be respected like anyone else, and I wanted to go into my new family with good ties. I love my future family, but I feel a little bit defeated. In the end, fiance and I compromised, and we're having an earlier ceremony/reception (not by much though, I definitely did not want the ceremony at 2:00 like she wanted).  Things are now muddled up because we're having two receptions to appease her wishes concerning the elderly. Months later, I am still putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand why this made sense to her, but as it complicates things, I am getting more stressed out. The wedding is less than three weeks away, and there is little we can do about the ceremony and the two reception dinners. 

So, if you were patient with me and read all that, I am asking you ladies how you feel about this situation. What do you think I should've done or said? I have one side of friends saying, "It's your day! You guys need to be happy, and everyone else will be happy once they see how much you're happy!" then I have other friends who are shaking their heads and fingers at me. It'd be good to have a third party, even if you ladies are strangers. 

The minute you invite guests, it ceases to be "your day". 

Yes, you are the ones getting married.  That ceremony is about you.  But the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony.  It is the first time you are receiving (hence, reception) guests as a married couple - you are hosting them.  And just like any other party you host (dinner party, birthday party, etc.) your primary concern is the comfort and well-being of ALL your guests (not just some of them, not just the ones that are family, not just the young ones who like to party all night).  If you wanted it to be all about you, then elope with no other people involved. 

I'm not even touching the other stuff, because ugh.  I'm not saying your FMIL went about things the right way (and whether or not she's contributing financially makes a difference in how much say she has and how this could have been handled by you) or that she's even correct in her assumptions about what is or is not reasonable to expect of your elderly guests or that what is currently planned was the correct way to solve this dilemma (because honestly, it sounds like a hot mess).  But her perspective in caring about them is spot on and should have been your perspective, too.  The minute you decided not to elope and invite guests, that "my day" nonsense should have flown right out of your head and you should have been approaching your wedding planning from the perspective of being a good hostess to your guests, which means that portions of your "vision" may have needed to be compromised in order to make sure that ALL of your guests are treated equally well (meaning they are hosted with food and drink appropriate to the time of day and all have a place to sit in an environment that is comfortable - not too hot, too cold, too hilly, too wet, etc.).

Everything you said is true. We did make compromises that I did not mention here, and this is what it resulted with. The thing is, she was only concerned for the elderly, which makes up a small portion of the church congregation? What about the children? What about new mothers? What about my family who are coming in from Indiana, and her family that are coming in from Kansas? Why point out one group of guests without considering all of them as a whole? This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. She said that we couldn't have the reception because of 1 factor: the elderly people cannot drive to the house, which my Fiance straight out told her that is crazy, that is why the church has a church bus. They use the church bus to get to the church, doesn't it make sense to use to help them get to the house, which is less than 10 minutes away? After he told her this is what we would do, she dropped it. Later, she was afraid of having too many people at their church because we were expecting a lot of family from otuside the state (on wedding day is sat, they will have to stay over the night) to which his pastor said, "Great, the more the merrier!" The trouble is, she brings up she is too afraid of what people will think, rather than trying to find a solution to her fears. 

mikenberger

Knottie91379610 said:

jacques27 said:

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, this is a little reflection from my past discussion on the Outdoor Weddings forum. I am not here to talk about that, though, but it has made me think about  my FMIL and how things played out in planning an outdoor reception in June 27 in Arkansas. 

Fiance and I always wanted an outdoor reception. We love nature, we love being outdoors. I am half Puerto Rican, and don't mind heat, he's from Arkansas and he's pretty use to it. We were at first planning our wedding for March 2016, but situation that we are in, both going to be seniors in college next year in Oklahoma and Oklahoma march weather is EXTREMELY unpredictable, we decided June 27 2015. Picking this date was terribly and extremely stressful and painful. In laws were not pleased, and were not supportive at all, which hurt a little more. 

We still wanted to stick with our outdoor reception in the evening because the temperature was cooler. We wanted to begin our wedding ceremony at 5:30 p.m., and then have dinner at the backyard at 6:30 p.m. But, FMIL was still not pleased, as she was more concerned about the guests:

She wanted us to leave the reception at the church so the elderly can stay and eat before leaving. She was concerned that most guests wouldn't be able to drive to the reception (but we figured out a solution to that) but she was still persistent that somehow, guests would not be able to drive themselves to the house, which is 7 mintues away from the church. She wanted us to have an earlier reception out of those who cannot stay up pass six and needed to get home, and thus, an earlier church ceremony. Discussing this was stressful. I honestly wanted to tell her that this is what her son and I decided and this is what we wanted. Why can't she be concerned about us as she was for the ederly? I love people, and of course I want the elderly to be comfortable and happy, but I thought what she was saying were silly excuses because she was unhappy with the date we pick to begin with. 

The thing is, I cannot approach her about my feelings, because she is a people pleaser, extremely passive aggressive and holds grudges for a long time. Above all, I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I truly value her opinions. She is a person to be respected like anyone else, and I wanted to go into my new family with good ties. I love my future family, but I feel a little bit defeated. In the end, fiance and I compromised, and we're having an earlier ceremony/reception (not by much though, I definitely did not want the ceremony at 2:00 like she wanted).  Things are now muddled up because we're having two receptions to appease her wishes concerning the elderly. Months later, I am still putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand why this made sense to her, but as it complicates things, I am getting more stressed out. The wedding is less than three weeks away, and there is little we can do about the ceremony and the two reception dinners. 

So, if you were patient with me and read all that, I am asking you ladies how you feel about this situation. What do you think I should've done or said? I have one side of friends saying, "It's your day! You guys need to be happy, and everyone else will be happy once they see how much you're happy!" then I have other friends who are shaking their heads and fingers at me. It'd be good to have a third party, even if you ladies are strangers. 

The minute you invite guests, it ceases to be "your day". 

Yes, you are the ones getting married.  That ceremony is about you.  But the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony.  It is the first time you are receiving (hence, reception) guests as a married couple - you are hosting them.  And just like any other party you host (dinner party, birthday party, etc.) your primary concern is the comfort and well-being of ALL your guests (not just some of them, not just the ones that are family, not just the young ones who like to party all night).  If you wanted it to be all about you, then elope with no other people involved. 

I'm not even touching the other stuff, because ugh.  I'm not saying your FMIL went about things the right way (and whether or not she's contributing financially makes a difference in how much say she has and how this could have been handled by you) or that she's even correct in her assumptions about what is or is not reasonable to expect of your elderly guests or that what is currently planned was the correct way to solve this dilemma (because honestly, it sounds like a hot mess).  But her perspective in caring about them is spot on and should have been your perspective, too.  The minute you decided not to elope and invite guests, that "my day" nonsense should have flown right out of your head and you should have been approaching your wedding planning from the perspective of being a good hostess to your guests, which means that portions of your "vision" may have needed to be compromised in order to make sure that ALL of your guests are treated equally well (meaning they are hosted with food and drink appropriate to the time of day and all have a place to sit in an environment that is comfortable - not too hot, too cold, too hilly, too wet, etc.).

Everything you said is true. We did make compromises that I did not mention here, and this is what it resulted with. The thing is, she was only concerned for the elderly, which makes up a small portion of the church congregation? What about the children? What about new mothers? What about my family who are coming in from Indiana, and her family that are coming in from Kansas? Why point out one group of guests without considering all of them as a whole? This is the part that doesn't make sense to me. She said that we couldn't have the reception because of 1 factor: the elderly people cannot drive to the house, which my Fiance straight out told her that is crazy, that is why the church has a church bus. They use the church bus to get to the church, doesn't it make sense to use to help them get to the house, which is less than 10 minutes away? After he told her this is what we would do, she dropped it. Later, she was afraid of having too many people at their church because we were expecting a lot of family from otuside the state (on wedding day is sat, they will have to stay over the night) to which his pastor said, "Great, the more the merrier!" The trouble is, she brings up she is too afraid of what people will think, rather than trying to find a solution to her fears. 

Just say "I don't like my future mother in law." Just get it out in the open. You don't like her. She could probably give you $1,000 and you'd be pissed it was in $100 bills. 

She doesn't have to consider anybody on the whole. Chances are, the weather and conditions of your reception would affect other parties of your reception. It just so happened that this one partial subset popped into her head.

You chose to bend to her will and now you're pissed about it. You made your bed, lie in it. 

redoryx

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

Sorry, when you're more concerned about the vision of your outdoor wedding then how the heat/humidity will affect your guests, then no, you don't care about your guests. The seat/meal/transportation thing only gets you so far.

dreamsinpink

When you say your reception is in the backyard, I'm assuming of someone's house? Please correct me if I'm wrong. Would those that can't stand the heat be able to go inside? But others are quite right, a strictly outdoor reception in June is pretty risky. If Arkansas has been anything like Oklahoma the past few days, I wouldn't last at an outdoor reception, and I'm in my 20's. And unfortunately, it is still hot at even 10 at night, at least it has been the last week. Since you are two weeks away, there isn't much you can do. Except move all of the furniture out of the house where your reception is (again, assuming that's what you meant) to accommodate most of your guests going inside.

Knottie91379610

dreamsinpink said:

When you say your reception is in the backyard, I'm assuming of someone's house? Please correct me if I'm wrong. Would those that can't stand the heat be able to go inside? But others are quite right, a strictly outdoor reception in June is pretty risky. If Arkansas has been anything like Oklahoma the past few days, I wouldn't last at an outdoor reception, and I'm in my 20's. And unfortunately, it is still hot at even 10 at night, at least it has been the last week. Since you are two weeks away, there isn't much you can do. Except move all of the furniture out of the house where your reception is (again, assuming that's what you meant) to accommodate most of your guests going inside.

Sadly, we cannot allow guests inside unless it is to the use the bathroom. There will be children and young teens, and I don't want anyone to get hurt, and I don't want to make vulnerable situations available to people. His parents agree. It is a big house with lots of rooms. As much as I love my family, I don't know every guest personally, and I can't trust every guest. The backyard reception takes place at my future in law's house. It is a very large and completely shaded backyard. It feels cooler there than it does in the direct sun, especially at night. I go to school in OK, and believe it or not, the temps in OKC are a lot hotter than AR. 

Knottie91379610

redoryx said:

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

Sorry, when you're more concerned about the vision of your outdoor wedding then how the heat/humidity will affect your guests, then no, you don't care about your guests. The seat/meal/transportation thing only gets you so far.

I am sure you planned a wedding, right? It is nearly impossible to please every guest. There will always be some guests who will complain about something, because everyone has different preferences. I've learned through all this, that no matter what I do, no matter what my fiance does, someone is not going to be happy. That is just a fact, and it's been hard for me to learn that because I love people, and I want them to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own comfortably. We are doing as much as we can to work with our guests with the resources and funds available. You may disagree with my decisions, but unless you are in my shoes, marrying into my future in-law-family, with full emotional knowledge of the stress and sacrifices that went into this decision you cannot make comments like this. 

I respect what you're saying, but what I do not respect are assumptions about  my character. 

dreamsinpink

That makes sense, but wait.. The reception is at the FMIL's house that is concerned with people not taking the heat well but doesn't want to accommodate them in the house? Honestly, I don't blame her, especially with the things you mentioned but if she is as concerned as she seems that that could have been an offered solution. What it actually sounds more like is that she now doesn't want it at her house and using the heat as a cop out. My perception at least. If our reception was going to be at my future in laws and the heat was a concern, my FMIL would have had all of her furniture moved out temporarily without me saying anything or even thinking about it.

southernbelle0915

What's done is done with your wedding planning. Your invites already went out (I assume), so whatever they said is whatever they said.

You say you're stressed about your plans, so here are some changes you CAN make with 3 weeks to go:

- Move your wedding inside. You said the indoor space can accommodate people, so just plan on it. Your vision is not more important than your guests' comfort.

- In the other thread you had your timeline set up.... so make your "first reception" (which is actually a cocktail hour) more like a cocktail hour. Serve light apps and lemonade. Then serve dinner. Then serve cake. If people want to leave before dinner or cake, fine. You're not stopping them. 

- Inform your FMIL of your plans - do not ask. You're adults and it's your wedding. Unless she's paying for the wedding, she has no say.

Outside the wedding, I have to address the way you deal with your FMIL. Because she's passive aggressive and holds grudges, you just bend to her in order to keep the peace? That's a super unhealthy way to deal and it's not sustainable in the long run. Are you going to bend to her when she asks for grandkids? Are you going to bend to her when she wants all holidays with HER family every single year? Are you going to bend to her if she thinks you should be a stay at home mom vs. a working mom? Are you going to bend to her if she thinks your kids should be home schooled? See where this goes? 

Y'all are adults starting your own family. You can be respectful and still stand up for yourself.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, this is a little reflection from my past discussion on the Outdoor Weddings forum. I am not here to talk about that, though, but it has made me think about  my FMIL and how things played out in planning an outdoor reception in June 27 in Arkansas. 

Fiance and I always wanted an outdoor reception. We love nature, we love being outdoors. I am half Puerto Rican, and don't mind heat, he's from Arkansas and he's pretty use to it. We were at first planning our wedding for March 2016, but situation that we are in, both going to be seniors in college next year in Oklahoma and Oklahoma march weather is EXTREMELY unpredictable, we decided June 27 2015. Picking this date was terribly and extremely stressful and painful. In laws were not pleased, and were not supportive at all, which hurt a little more. 

We still wanted to stick with our outdoor reception in the evening because the temperature was cooler. Cooler?  Cooler than what?!  Currently the temp in Little Rock today is 91F, with 46% humidity and a RealFeel temp of 98F.  At 5pm today the temp is predicated to be 91F with 45% humidity and a RealFeel of 94F. . . that's not cooler.  That is not weather I'd want to spend any amount of time outside in, regardless of the whims and tantrums of my FMIL.  The lowest it is getting in Little Rock today is 75F, and that's at 6am TOMORROW morning.  And humidity is projected to be 82% at that point, so again, not weather I'd ever spend any amount of time in outside.  You and your FMIL are either stubborn as hell or in denial.  An outdoor reception is going to be miserable, whether it's at 5pm, 6pm or midnight.  We wanted to begin our wedding ceremony at 5:30 p.m., and then have dinner at the backyard at 6:30 p.m. But, FMIL was still not pleased, as she was more concerned about the guests:  How can a person who lives in that region- FMIL- claim to be concerned with her guests and yet insist on an outdoor reception when the conditions are going to be miserable?  You mean FMIL was worried that 6:30pm was too late for people to have dinner?  Maybe, but it's up to the guests to decide that, and they don't have to attend the reception.  6:30pm is not an unreasonable time for dinner.

She wanted us to leave the reception at the church so the elderly can stay and eat before leaving. I do not understand why you can't have your entire reception- dinner, dancing, etc- at the church, inside in AC, I hope, immediately following your ceremony.  The 2nd reception makes no sense to me at all.  Who is insisting on this 2nd reception?  Is it actually you because you have some sort of vision of having your reception outdoors on this property?  She was concerned that most guests wouldn't be able to drive to the reception (but we figured out a solution to that) but she was still persistent that somehow, guests would not be able to drive themselves to the house, which is 7 mintues away from the church. She wanted us to have an earlier reception out of those who cannot stay up pass six and needed to get home, and thus, an earlier church ceremony. How old are your guests and how many of your guests are so elderly that they can't or choose not to stay out past 6pm?  Good Lord, this seems ridiculous.  You and your FI shouldn't have given in to FMIL's demands.  You should have planned your ceremony and reception to directly follow at whatever times you wished, and if people can make it they can make it.  If they leave early, so what?  Discussing this was stressful. I honestly wanted to tell her that this is what her son and I decided and this is what we wanted. Yep, you should have.  You have now let her know that you have no boundaries and she's free to walk all over you to get whatever she wants.  Why can't she be concerned about us as she was for the ederly? I love people, and of course I want the elderly to be comfortable and happy, but I thought what she was saying were silly excuses because she was unhappy with the date we pick to begin with. 

The thing is, I cannot approach her about my feelings, because she is a people pleaser, extremely passive aggressive and holds grudges for a long time. So what?  Those are her issues, not yours.  Realistically, her son should be the one telling his mother, "No, mom.  Sorry, but that is not what we decided."  Above all, I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I truly value her opinions. She is a person to be respected like anyone else, and I wanted to go into my new family with good ties. I love my future family, but I feel a little bit defeated. In the end, fiance and I compromised, and we're having an earlier ceremony/reception (not by much though, I definitely did not want the ceremony at 2:00 like she wanted).  Things are now muddled up because we're having two receptions to appease her wishes concerning the elderly. Months later, I am still putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand why this made sense to her, but as it complicates things, I am getting more stressed out. The wedding is less than three weeks away, and there is little we can do about the ceremony and the two reception dinners. 

So, if you were patient with me and read all that, I am asking you ladies how you feel about this situation. What do you think I should've done or said? I have one side of friends saying, "It's your day! You guys need to be happy, and everyone else will be happy once they see how much you're happy!" then I have other friends who are shaking their heads and fingers at me. It'd be good to have a third party, even if you ladies are strangers. 

First of all, I think EVERYONE who thinks having an outdoor reception in Arkansas in June will be comfortable and fun is insane.  That includes both you and your FMIL.  It's not even summer yet and the temperatures and humidity have been terrible in your state.  I don't buy the BS that so and so is from *insert southern state here*  and they are used to the heat.   Yeah, you are all used to having frigging AC on at all times!  I've never been anywhere in the South in the summer that didn't have AC on.

2ndly, you and your FI needed to have set strict boundaries with your FMIL, regardless of how she would react to them, and plan the wedding that you both wanted and that would not be inconvenient to your guests.  Having a 6:30pm dinner is perfectly acceptable.  There's nothing outlandish about that time.  If guests choose not to attend the reception because that is too late for them, that's their choice.

[Deleted User]

Not my circus, not my monkeys...but this whole thing makes me cringe.  Heatstroke anyone?

Knottie91379610

Just say "I don't like my future mother in law." Just get it out in the open. You don't like her. She could probably give you $1,000 and you'd be pissed it was in $100 bills. 

She doesn't have to consider anybody on the whole. Chances are, the weather and conditions of your reception would affect other parties of your reception. It just so happened that this one partial subset popped into her head.

You chose to bend to her will and now you're pissed about it. You made your bed, lie in it. 

Hahaha! (about the $100 bills) No, I love her! She is a wonderful Christian lady with quick wit and humor. She is definitely one of those traditional American moms that just want to make sure everyone is happy, and I admire that about her.  However, that "people-pleasing" nature of hers drives from her self-consciousness. I understand that, I am like that too. This manifests itself in ways that are a little irrational. She is so concerned of what people are going to think of her house (which is a gorgeous, large house) that they are spending more money on fixing it up than they have on the wedding itself (which is fine, they told me what they told me how much they were going to spend and on what, and I told them it is fine, because we had enough money to make-up for the costs) Like upgrading their dishwasher, dryer, washer, etc things I didn't think wedding guests would care about. 

Pissed is not the word to describe how I feel. More along the lines of defeated, but, no matter what happens, whether I have an outdoor reception or a church reception, that is not what the wedding is about. I am going to be happy with however things play out because I am marrying into a great family, and I am marrying a wonderful, truly caring and loving man! That's what matters in the end of the day, not this silly stuff.

Last night was not good.  I had a hard day at work, my MH contacted me with bad  news, and my mom was venting to me how she wished my FMIL didn't ask for two receptions. So I used this forum to vent. Today, I feel better, and honestly, I am thinking about getting a mod to close this post, because I have gotten lots of feedback. My budget for this wedding is $2500, and looking at all that we've done, despite the stress and limitations, I am very happy! Even more so, I am excited to be marrying my best friend! 

ShesSoCold

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Knottie91379610 said:

redoryx said:

Sorry, your FMIL is right and your friends saying it's "your day" and to do whatever you want probably made (or will make) equally selfish decisions when it comes to their wedding. 

Your FMIL was correct in looking out for your guests and it's a good thing, too, since clearly you weren't.

That's very assumptive to say.Of course I am looking out for my guests. That is why I am making sure that everyone has a seat, everyone will have a meal, and that is why I wanted to have the reception later in the evening so the temperature would be more comfortable, and that is why I sat down with my fiance to solve the transportation issue to make sure the elderly could make it. The case is not "looking out for the guests" it is combined with bitterness towards us picking the date she did not like. 

Sorry, when you're more concerned about the vision of your outdoor wedding then how the heat/humidity will affect your guests, then no, you don't care about your guests. The seat/meal/transportation thing only gets you so far.

I am sure you planned a wedding, right? It is nearly impossible to please every guest. There will always be some guests who will complain about something, because everyone has different preferences. I've learned through all this, that no matter what I do, no matter what my fiance does, someone is not going to be happy. That is just a fact, and it's been hard for me to learn that because I love people, and I want them to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own comfortably. We are doing as much as we can to work with our guests with the resources and funds available. You may disagree with my decisions, but unless you are in my shoes, marrying into my future in-law-family, with full emotional knowledge of the stress and sacrifices that went into this decision you cannot make comments like this. 

I respect what you're saying, but what I do not respect are assumptions about  my character. 

Stop blaming everyone but yourself. If this woman is this upsetting to you, stop bending over for her. My MIL literally removed H from her will (or at least she said she did) and said she wouldn't come to our wedding because we didn't want to invite her friends. H told her he'd miss her, recommended Save The Whales for her estate and hung up the phone. Boom. Done. Stop kissing ass and then whining about it.

Knottie91379610

Knottie6174271 said:

Not my circus, not my monkeys...but this whole thing makes me cringe.  Heatstroke anyone?

Haha, don't blow this out of proportion. Nobody is going to get heatstroke if I can help it! We will most definately have the reception indoors if it's too hot. However, factors you probably don't know are is the fact the yard is completely shaded and pretty dark even in the afternoon. This will also be taking place in the evening, after the temperature hits its peak. It is expected to drop at least 85 by 7:00, but in the shade, it's more around 80-75. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie6174271 said:

Not my circus, not my monkeys...but this whole thing makes me cringe.  Heatstroke anyone?

I'd decline this mess so fast.  95F with 50%+ humidity is not comfortable, no matter how much shade there is.  Shade does jack shit for humidity.

And no one is allowed in the house because there are multiple rooms and FMIL is concerned the teenagers are going to close themselves off in a room and have sex?  That's what I read between the lines of this post:

Knottie91379610 said:

dreamsinpink said:

When you say your reception is in the backyard, I'm assuming of someone's house? Please correct me if I'm wrong. Would those that can't stand the heat be able to go inside? But others are quite right, a strictly outdoor reception in June is pretty risky. If Arkansas has been anything like Oklahoma the past few days, I wouldn't last at an outdoor reception, and I'm in my 20's. And unfortunately, it is still hot at even 10 at night, at least it has been the last week. Since you are two weeks away, there isn't much you can do. Except move all of the furniture out of the house where your reception is (again, assuming that's what you meant) to accommodate most of your guests going inside.

Sadly, we cannot allow guests inside unless it is to the use the bathroom. There will be children and young teens, and I don't want anyone to get hurt, and I don't want to make vulnerable situations available to people. His parents agree. It is a big house with lots of rooms. As much as I love my family, I don't know every guest personally, and I can't trust every guest. The backyard reception takes place at my future in law's house. It is a very large and completely shaded backyard. It feels cooler there than it does in the direct sun, especially at night. I go to school in OK, and believe it or not, the temps in OKC are a lot hotter than AR. 

jacques27

If what you're looking for is validation that your FMIL is horrible and sympathy that you're some sort of long-suffering victim in this, you came to the wrong forum.  Particularly since it appears that she's opening up her home to you to host this, saving you thousands of dollars in the process.  The more and more you explain, the less she really sounds like a villain in this scenario - it sounds like she was trying to save you from yourself by not alienating people.

You had a vision of an outdoor wedding, but are only asking two weeks out from said wedding whether it's too hot to have it outdoors for your locations.  If you were putting your guests in front of your vision, wouldn't this have been a question to ask before picking your date?

You apparently also wanted an evening wedding, but apparently have a fairly high enough proportion of invited guests who are elderly and dependent on others for transportation (at least some of the time since they take a bus to church).  Why were these guests invited if they didn't fit your "vision" or why didn't you consider them prior to figuring out your date/time venue?  Having the foresight to plan for your guestlist would have indicated that you were actually putting them first, not scrambling for solutions after the fact to try to keep your vision. 

As for why she is singling this group of individuals out - for your reading pleasure: http://www.bt.cdc.gov/disasters/extremeheat/elderlyheat.asp
http://www.cdc.gov/extremeheat/seniors.html

The same actually goes for young children, too.

So yeah, it's kind of rude to plan something that could potentially harm your guests and that would then exclude them from being properly hosted like the rest of the guests. 

Also, in one of the two threads you mentioned expecting 100 guests - I hope they have multiple bathrooms in their home that are all accessible (and they aren't on a septic system).  That's a recipe for disaster.

dreamsinpink

PrettyGirlLost said:

I'd decline this mess so fast.  95F with 50%+ humidity is not comfortable, no matter how much shade there is.  Shade does jack shit for humidity.

And no one is allowed in the house because there are multiple rooms and FMIL is concerned the teenagers are going to close themselves off in a room and have sex?  That's what I read between the lines of this post:

I still think this is FMIL's passive aggressive way of saying she no longer wants to reception at her house. (and why can I not figure out how to use the stupid quote button?!)

 

southernbelle0915

Ok OP, serious question.... why are you creating multiple threads on multiple boards asking for advice, but then arguing with everyone who provides it? 

Either you actually came looking for validation (not advice) or you are a troll. Which is it?

sparklepants41

dreamsinpink said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

I'd decline this mess so fast.  95F with 50%+ humidity is not comfortable, no matter how much shade there is.  Shade does jack shit for humidity.

And no one is allowed in the house because there are multiple rooms and FMIL is concerned the teenagers are going to close themselves off in a room and have sex?  That's what I read between the lines of this post:

I still think this is FMIL's passive aggressive way of saying she no longer wants to reception at her house. (and why can I not figure out how to use the stupid quote button?!)

It also sounds like she never really wanted the reception at her house - but may have been afraid to step on your toes while you planned your wedding. Both of my grandmothers are notoriously passive aggressive - this sounds like how they would both try to express their opinion without really expressing their opinions. (For example, your FMIL wanted you to have the reception at the church, doesn't want anyone inside her house, concern for time of day, etc) 

dreamsinpink

sparklepants41 said:

 t also sounds like she never really wanted the reception at her house - but may have been afraid to step on your toes while you planned your wedding. Both of my grandmothers are notoriously passive aggressive - this sounds like how they would both try to express their opinion without really expressing their opinions. (For example, your FMIL wanted you to have the reception at the church, doesn't want anyone inside her house, concern for time of day, etc) 

Yup!! I am incredibly passive aggressive, yes I admit it, and that's definitely something I would do. "You know, its supposed to be really hot, and there are a ton of really old people who cant drive. and no one can come in my house. and I also don't really want food there... soo.... how about the church!?" 

sparklepants41

Also - this just occurred to me - but at an outdoor reception, in the summer heat, in the South - do you have a plan to protect your guests from bugs?

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie91379610 said:

Knottie6174271 said:

Not my circus, not my monkeys...but this whole thing makes me cringe.  Heatstroke anyone?

Haha, don't blow this out of proportion. Nobody is going to get heatstroke if I can help it! We will most definately have the reception indoors if it's too hot. However, factors you probably don't know are is the fact the yard is completely shaded and pretty dark even in the afternoon. This will also be taking place in the evening, after the temperature hits its peak. It is expected to drop at least 85 by 7:00, but in the shade, it's more around 80-75. 

And what's the humidity supposed to be at 7pm?  75-85F, even in the shade, is miserable to be outside in.  The shade does jack shit for humidity.  Look at today's temps in Little Rock, would you want to be outside for hours in them?  Currently the temp in Little Rock is 91F, with 46% humidity and a RealFeel temp of 98F.  At 5pm today the temp is predicated to be 91F with 45% humidity and a RealFeel of 94F. . . that's not cooler.  The lowest it is getting in Little Rock today is 75F, and that's at 6am TOMORROW morning.

And the wedding is 2 weeks away, right?  The tempertaures could be much higher, or it could even be a torrential down pour.

sparklepants41 said:

Also - this just occurred to me - but at an outdoor reception, in the summer heat, in the South - do you have a plan to protect your guests from bugs?

Citronella candles and torches and bug spray.  At some point, guests need to be responsible for themselves and use common sense, as well.  I went to a wedding in Montana in the summer last year- outdoor ceremony, reception in a converted barn.  I wore sunscreen and bug spray. . . no one had to provide that for me. 

artbyallie

Seriously though, OP, just not having a tiered wedding (i.e. no second ceremony) will solve all your problems. Grow a spine and tell FMIL it's not okay to host some people differently. Better yet, have FI tell her. You could even phrase it, "We don't want you to have to be concerned with hosting. Just attend the wedding and have a good time."