Moms and Maids

Another money thread

bizzy592bizzy592 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
edited June 2015 in Moms and Maids
We're going through a weird money situation as well (didn't want to thread-hijack).

FI and I are planning a wedding we're capable of paying for ourselves. FIs parents have very generously offered to pay for the RD and a large portion of the reception, which was not necessary, but we're appreciative.

My mom (BSC) had offered us a sizable amount, which I declined due to the imminent threat of crazy strings (kind of like silly string, if silly string was emotionally weighted and mind-fuckingly manipulative).

Even though we didn't go into this process expecting any help, and we can completely afford to pay for our own wedding, I think FI is feeling a little resentful. He hasn't said it in so many words, but it seems like he thinks it's unfair that my family may be credited with hosting, when we've straight-out refused their money. I think he'd also prefer our bank accounts to shrink less. It's one thing to say in theory that we'll spend a certain amount on the wedding, but in reality it's painful to cut large checks out of hard-earned savings. We've had a few 'managing expectations' conversations, and he says that he gets it - that the money wouldn't be free. But, without having had extensive experiences with someone like my mom, I don't think he fully appreciates how much we would regret it down the road.

Beyond maintaining the stream of 'money is never free', does anyone have any suggestions for this one?

Edited for spelling. Eminent and imminent are very different words.

Re: Another money thread

  • bizzy592 said:
    We're going through a weird money situation as well (didn't want to thread-hijack).

    FI and I are planning a wedding we're capable of paying for ourselves. FIs parents have very generously offered to pay for the RD and a large portion of the reception, which was not necessary, but we're appreciative.

    My mom (BSC) had offered us a sizable amount, which I declined due to the imminent threat of crazy strings (kind of like silly string, if silly string was emotionally weighted and mind-fuckingly manipulative).

    Even though we didn't go into this process expecting any help, and we can completely afford to pay for our own wedding, I think FI is feeling a little resentful. He hasn't said it in so many words, but it seems like he thinks it's unfair that my family may be credited with hosting, when we've straight-out refused their money. I think he'd also prefer our bank accounts to shrink less. It's one thing to say in theory that we'll spend a certain amount on the wedding, but in reality it's painful to cut large checks out of hard-earned savings. We've had a few 'managing expectations' conversations, and he says that he gets it - that the money wouldn't be free. But, without having had extensive experiences with someone like my mom, I don't think he fully appreciates how much we would regret it down the road.

    Beyond maintaining the stream of 'money is never free', does anyone have any suggestions for this one?

    Edited for spelling. Eminent and imminent are very different words.
    To the bolded... why?
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  • Why would he be bothered by that, or why would he think that my family would be given credit for hosting?

    Assuming the latter. His family is very traditional - they have insisted on paying for all items traditionally covered by the grooms parents. So, at our RD, his father will be playing host, giving a toast and whatnot. If my father gives a toast, it'll more likely be at the wedding than RD, so FI thinks that people will draw the conclusion that my parents are hosting the reception.
  • Giving a toast does not remotely mean the person is hosting the event. Our best man and maid of honor gave toasts. Because they wanted to, which is how toasts work.
    image
  • Your folks are only designated as the hosts if you list them as hosts on the invitations and they act as hosts.

    If you don't want them to be hosts, do not list them on the invites or tell anyone they're hosting. Use generic wording that designates y'all as the hosts.

    If you're looking for generic wording, I think there's a sticky on the I&P board. If not, post a thread there and people can help you so the invitations reflect what you want.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    Why would your family be credited with hosting your wedding?  You are going to word your invitations properly, I hope?

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • bizzy592 said:
    We're going through a weird money situation as well (didn't want to thread-hijack).

    FI and I are planning a wedding we're capable of paying for ourselves. FIs parents have very generously offered to pay for the RD and a large portion of the reception, which was not necessary, but we're appreciative.

    My mom (BSC) had offered us a sizable amount, which I declined due to the imminent threat of crazy strings (kind of like silly string, if silly string was emotionally weighted and mind-fuckingly manipulative).

    Even though we didn't go into this process expecting any help, and we can completely afford to pay for our own wedding, I think FI is feeling a little resentful. He hasn't said it in so many words, but it seems like he thinks it's unfair that my family may be credited with hosting, when we've straight-out refused their money. I think he'd also prefer our bank accounts to shrink less. It's one thing to say in theory that we'll spend a certain amount on the wedding, but in reality it's painful to cut large checks out of hard-earned savings. We've had a few 'managing expectations' conversations, and he says that he gets it - that the money wouldn't be free. But, without having had extensive experiences with someone like my mom, I don't think he fully appreciates how much we would regret it down the road.

    Beyond maintaining the stream of 'money is never free', does anyone have any suggestions for this one?

    Edited for spelling. Eminent and imminent are very different words.
    I think you need to sit your FI down and have a talk with him.  He needs to grow up and get over the fact that you're paying for the whole wedding.  Point out that no one "gets credit" for hosting unless their names are so listed on the invitation, and then issue your invitations using @CMGragain's wording above that doesn't list anyone as the hosts.
  • CMGragain said:
    Why would your family be credited with hosting your wedding?  You are going to word your invitations properly, I hope?

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State


    Agreed. You can also do "together with their families", or something like that, which doesn't really indicate host. And you can both give a toast at the wedding to your guests (joint, or individually), thanking everyone for coming, which helps indicate that you're hosting. 

    Finances are a really sensitive issue in many couples, so hear him out, but make it clear that crazy strings are real, and not worth the suffering. 
  • CMGragain said:
    Why would your family be credited with hosting your wedding?  You are going to word your invitations properly, I hope?

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State


    We'd either be using this wording, or 'Together with their parents'.
  • First, as PP said, use CMG's invitation wording.  It does not specify the host of the wedding.

    Second, if your FI is concerned with your dad giving a toast at the wedding reception, wait until your dad offers to give a toast and then decline his offer to make a toast.  Or allow both your dad and FFIL to give a toast at the reception.  But, FWIW, I have only been to 2 weddings that had parent toasts.  One wedding, both moms gave a short toast and the other wedding FOB gave a quick welcome.  But those instances were rarities. 

  • I agree with @marie2785 that finances are a sensitive and you should definitely listen to your fiancé.Did you and your FI discuss and decide together how much of your own money would be going toward your wedding? I know I started planning and researching early but if you aren't an event planner a person can be shocked by prices of things like decent food, photography, dj etc.

    Not assuming this is you but too much time on TK (not the message boards but the site in general) can trick us into thinking boxed invitations, ice sculptures and fancy favors are what guests remember... in reality good food, good company and proper hosting are what people remember.



  • @lnixon8 We've had the conversations, and prepared (what we thought was) a realistic budget. Certain pieces have indeed been surprising, but discounts in other areas are so far leaving us on track. I think he's frustrated because even though we had budgeted for X, the option to only spend half that is tempting.

    And I completely agree about the important pieces. The components that we're most concerned with are the band, good food, great wine (as a part of a fully stocked bar), and building our schedule to allow the most possible time with our guests (even though we would love to see one another first that day during the ceremony, will likely end up doing photos before the ceremony). Probably skipping favors (unless we go with sunglasses, as the amazing view from our venue is south facing), and going with understated flowers and decor. Our venue is incredibly beautiful, and filled with flowers, so we don't feel the need to blow our budget gilding the lily.


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