Wedding Etiquette Forum

Nursing Moms- No Kids Wedding- All or Nothing?

I know the question of whether or not nursing mothers should be allowed at adults only weddings has been asked to death, and not surprisingly, it came up for me today. A long time family friend, noted to my mother how her adult daughters (who are invited) were talking about bringing their new borns to our wedding. For what it's worth at the time of the wedding they will be approximately 9 and 6 months… but anywho onto my actual question…

When it comes to evaluating this (informal) request, is there any case where it's appropriate to say it's ok for the reception, but not the ceremony? 

To give a bit of basis on this question, my fiancé and I, after lots and lots of budget talk and evaluating what was important to us, we decided to move forward with a videographer. The situation that cases me anxiety in regard to this is the thought of walking down the aisle *cue crying babies* or during vows, or during any pivotal moment being filmed. As another addition, our wedding will be outside in an orchard, so there is no real quick "out the door" escape for crying babies if it were to occur.

I don't particularly find the wedding to be that baby appropriate either way as it's an evening reception with a plated 3 course meal, but simultaneously I want to do my best to find a middle ground. Simultaneously, I don't want to even further offend by trying to finagle a compromise, rather than just saying no.

Any advice would be appreciated!


Re: Nursing Moms- No Kids Wedding- All or Nothing?

  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    Definitely don't know the etiquette etc. about that.  However, I would not rule out regular nursing simply because the babies will be 6 and 9 months by that age.  Until about a year, my son still ate (nursed for the most part) every.two.hours. Even at night. (he didn't sleep though the night until 14 months 4 days - and even then it was very very very rare).  Now, most babies aren't like this, but some are.

    ETA - not that you have to allow them to bring babies either way.  If their children are like mine, they can decide if they can come or not.  That is not on you.  Just letting you know why it might be an issue for some women.  I just would have not attended, or had my mom very very close by with the baby and had her text me when I needed to go.
  • Either have them invited to both or neither. A wedding involves both a ceremony and a reception. It's not polite to invite guests to only one or the other, and that includes babies.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree with the above.

    It's up to you whether you want to invite the babies of nursing mothers to your wedding, but it's all or nothing regarding the ceremony and reception (as they are one event). 

    Think of it this way, mom and her husband are invited. She nurses baby the last minute she can before she has to leave for the ceremony, leaves child with a sitter or family member (unless they are also invited). Ceremony over, heading to reception, now mom and dad either have to leave to go pick up their child, missing out on some of the reception, or expect their sitter or family member to bring the child to them. This is pretty inconvenient for the parents. 

    Also realize that at 6 and 9 months, they parents may not be comfortable leaving their child with a sitter. I know lots of parents in this position. These are still young babies, and they go through many changing phases that leave a parent not comfortable with leaving their baby *alone*. 

    You are within your right to not invite these babies, but realize that the mothers may decline as it's not something they can manage. Both are acceptable. 

    As for the video- you will have guests quietly talking throughout the ceremony (Look at those bridesmaids dresses! Oh! Look how beautiful she looks walking down the aisle!), someone may cough or sneeze, someone's phone may go off (you hope not, but you never know), someone may enter late and your hear a door open/close. I would respect that a mother would know to take the baby at least a way from the area if it started crying. As for your videographer- ask what they usually do when filming. I am assuming there is some ability to edit out background noise. How else do other people get flawless videos? 
  • Actually, a baby cried during our ceremony. Neither H nor I knew it had even happened until our photographer/videographer gave us our DVD and warned us there was one spot where he cut out the sound because of it. You know how many times we've even watched it? Once. I honestly couldn't even say where that disc is at this moment. It didn't affect anything noticeably, even. Please set aside your fears of crying babies and consider whether you want these people at your wedding or not, because while not allowing a mother to bring her nursing infant is an acceptable choice to make, it may mean she/they will not attend at all and you have to either accept that or accept said infant.
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  • SP29 said:
    Agree with the above.

    It's up to you whether you want to invite the babies of nursing mothers to your wedding, but it's all or nothing regarding the ceremony and reception (as they are one event). 

    Think of it this way, mom and her husband are invited. She nurses baby the last minute she can before she has to leave for the ceremony, leaves child with a sitter or family member (unless they are also invited). Ceremony over, heading to reception, now mom and dad either have to leave to go pick up their child, missing out on some of the reception, or expect their sitter or family member to bring the child to them. This is pretty inconvenient for the parents. 

    Also realize that at 6 and 9 months, they parents may not be comfortable leaving their child with a sitter. I know lots of parents in this position. These are still young babies, and they go through many changing phases that leave a parent not comfortable with leaving their baby *alone*. 

    You are within your right to not invite these babies, but realize that the mothers may decline as it's not something they can manage. Both are acceptable. 

    As for the video- you will have guests quietly talking throughout the ceremony (Look at those bridesmaids dresses! Oh! Look how beautiful she looks walking down the aisle!), someone may cough or sneeze, someone's phone may go off (you hope not, but you never know), someone may enter late and your hear a door open/close. I would respect that a mother would know to take the baby at least a way from the area if it started crying. As for your videographer- ask what they usually do when filming. I am assuming there is some ability to edit out background noise. How else do other people get flawless videos? 
    Also, some people may be fine to leave their baby but when you talk about events like weddings it's a PITA to do so.  

    DS has been in daycare since he was 6 wks and DD has been in daycare since she was 7 weeks.   The baby is now 9.5 mo and still nursing.   When I leave him, I still pump 3x a day.   I'm planning a business trip and it means not just packing a suitcase and my laptop plus work documents but ALSO traveling with a breast pump.   I have opted not to eat during a layover so I could pump and I have to escape every 3 hours still when on work site to do the same thing.   You can't just NOT do it when you're away from your baby in the same way that you can't avoid evacuating your bladder just because you're not near your home toilet.

    So if you didn't invite my baby, I might be OK with the decision to leave him but then I'd be asking you where I can go pump - because it's a pain in the neck to rig yourself up to the pump and plenty of people don't want to listen to the weird noises that the pump makes.

    Which is why I said above - inviting me and not the baby might just mean I'm not attending and that's simply for the sake of ease for both of us.


  • You are 100% within etiquette to not invite the babies at all. Child free means child free. However, it would be poor etiquette to say they can attend one part if the event but not the other. It really is all or nothing.

    I'm about to be a nursing mom. If I were invited to a wedding and my baby wasn't, I would probably attend the ceremony, stay at the reception for dinner (and cake if it wasn't too late) and then leave. Having a baby doesn't mean you get to bring the baby everywhere you go.
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  • FWIW we had a [mostly] no-kids wedding, but I let my friend from work know that her newborn was welcome, so she brought her. 

    The baby cried during our vows, but my friend had the sense to get up and walk way back behind all the chairs, so I just barely heard her in the distance (and it actually made me smile, because it let me know that my friend had made it to the wedding, which I wasn't sure she would). 

    We didn't have a pro videographer but a few different people took video of our ceremony, and we have since been able to watch all the videos. Not one has any sound whatsoever of this baby crying. She was far enough back that the audio didn't pick it up at all. 

    A pro videographer will be much better at audio and editing, so I doubt your soundtrack will be overwhelmed with the sound of babies crying, even if they do cry. This is one of those things you don't need to stress about. Move on to something more important.  
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  • We had a no-kids wedding, but one of my friends was going to have a 6 week old at the time. I told her while she was pregnant that I'd rather have her there with the baby than not there at all. 
    Plus, I'm not so much worried about a crying baby because a baby can be removed from a site (or at least further from earshot). A baby stays in a carrier. A baby doesn't need a separate plated meal, or a drink package. I'd take a little baby over a toddler or 4 year old child, that's for sure. 

    As it turned out, my friend has a cousin who lives near where we were married. She and her husband dropped the child with the cousin and just left the reception at a reasonable hour. 
    ________________________________


  • This is a situation when it is "all or nothing." You can have a child free wedding and that is perfectly fine but that also means the reception is child free. You also need to remember that some parents will opt not to come if they can't bring their children, that is their choice. 

    If you invite the children to the wedding then be prepared for them to cry or throw a tantrum. You never know what a baby or toddler or child is going to do. They may also be perfectly fine, we didn't have a problem with the children during our ceremony.

  • My FSIL is having a baby a month before our wedding and is planning on breastfeeding. We are having a child free wedding but have told her that she wants to bring him that is fine. It sounds like she probably wont because she wants a night out to relax and that is totally cool too. She also sounded worried about him crying but I told her I didn't care if he cried. 

    We are also having my FI parents dog as our ring bearer. His parents also seem worried about him barking. We've told them if it's too much work for them and they'd rather not bring him that's ok too but that we don't mind if he barks. 

    Like PP have said I'm sure a professional videographer will be able to handle the sound of a crying baby or a dog barking. And honestly if they can't get rid of the sound and we miss a part  then I bet I'm going to laugh when I watch the video again and say yup that's our nephew I'm so glad he came, or wasn't Dexter the cutest little ring bearer. 

    So if you're close to these people having their children there could be great. If you aren't that close then don't invite the babies and realize their mothers might not come either.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    My FSIL is having a baby a month before our wedding and is planning on breastfeeding. We are having a child free wedding but have told her that she wants to bring him that is fine. It sounds like she probably wont because she wants a night out to relax and that is totally cool too. She also sounded worried about him crying but I told her I didn't care if he cried. 

    We are also having my FI parents dog as our ring bearer. His parents also seem worried about him barking. We've told them if it's too much work for them and they'd rather not bring him that's ok too but that we don't mind if he barks. 

    Like PP have said I'm sure a professional videographer will be able to handle the sound of a crying baby or a dog barking. And honestly if they can't get rid of the sound and we miss a part  then I bet I'm going to laugh when I watch the video again and say yup that's our nephew I'm so glad he came, or wasn't Dexter the cutest little ring bearer. 

    So if you're close to these people having their children there could be great. If you aren't that close then don't invite the babies and realize their mothers might not come either.

    Just out of curiosity, does anyone attending your wedding have allergies to dogs?  If even one person does, then having a dog there is not appropriate.  Not only that, the dog's needs to be fed, walked, groomed, etc. don't stop because it's a wedding.  And not only that, are you okay with strangers trying to pet your dog?  For all those reasons, I don't advise having a dog there-let alone as a ring bearer.  (????)  If you're going to have a ring bearer, it should be a person, not an animal.

  • Actually, a baby cried during our ceremony. Neither H nor I knew it had even happened until our photographer/videographer gave us our DVD and warned us there was one spot where he cut out the sound because of it. You know how many times we've even watched it? Once. I honestly couldn't even say where that disc is at this moment. It didn't affect anything noticeably, even. Please set aside your fears of crying babies and consider whether you want these people at your wedding or not, because while not allowing a mother to bring her nursing infant is an acceptable choice to make, it may mean she/they will not attend at all and you have to either accept that or accept said infant.
    A baby, my nephew cried during my ceremony.  I gave zero fucks.  I heard him start to fuss, then I heard the dopplar effect as someone left the church with him.  It had no effect on what was happening during my ceremony at the time, which I recall was a whole lot of nothing.  DH and I were kneeling at the altar while everyone was receiving communion.

    One of my flower girls talked and sang throughout most of the ceremony.  You could just barely hear her tiny, sing song voice at the altar.  She was happy and having fun.  It was no big deal.  Again, it didn't distract or ruin anything for me.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Jen4948 said:
    My FSIL is having a baby a month before our wedding and is planning on breastfeeding. We are having a child free wedding but have told her that she wants to bring him that is fine. It sounds like she probably wont because she wants a night out to relax and that is totally cool too. She also sounded worried about him crying but I told her I didn't care if he cried. 

    We are also having my FI parents dog as our ring bearer. His parents also seem worried about him barking. We've told them if it's too much work for them and they'd rather not bring him that's ok too but that we don't mind if he barks. 

    Like PP have said I'm sure a professional videographer will be able to handle the sound of a crying baby or a dog barking. And honestly if they can't get rid of the sound and we miss a part  then I bet I'm going to laugh when I watch the video again and say yup that's our nephew I'm so glad he came, or wasn't Dexter the cutest little ring bearer. 

    So if you're close to these people having their children there could be great. If you aren't that close then don't invite the babies and realize their mothers might not come either.

    Just out of curiosity, does anyone attending your wedding have allergies to dogs?  If even one person does, then having a dog there is not appropriate.  Not only that, the dog's needs to be fed, walked, groomed, etc. don't stop because it's a wedding.  And not only that, are you okay with strangers trying to pet your dog?  For all those reasons, I don't advise having a dog there-let alone as a ring bearer.  (????)  If you're going to have a ring bearer, it should be a person, not an animal.

    again with this?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    My FSIL is having a baby a month before our wedding and is planning on breastfeeding. We are having a child free wedding but have told her that she wants to bring him that is fine. It sounds like she probably wont because she wants a night out to relax and that is totally cool too. She also sounded worried about him crying but I told her I didn't care if he cried. 

    We are also having my FI parents dog as our ring bearer. His parents also seem worried about him barking. We've told them if it's too much work for them and they'd rather not bring him that's ok too but that we don't mind if he barks. 

    Like PP have said I'm sure a professional videographer will be able to handle the sound of a crying baby or a dog barking. And honestly if they can't get rid of the sound and we miss a part  then I bet I'm going to laugh when I watch the video again and say yup that's our nephew I'm so glad he came, or wasn't Dexter the cutest little ring bearer. 

    So if you're close to these people having their children there could be great. If you aren't that close then don't invite the babies and realize their mothers might not come either.

    Just out of curiosity, does anyone attending your wedding have allergies to dogs?  If even one person does, then having a dog there is not appropriate.  Not only that, the dog's needs to be fed, walked, groomed, etc. don't stop because it's a wedding.  And not only that, are you okay with strangers trying to pet your dog?  For all those reasons, I don't advise having a dog there-let alone as a ring bearer.  (????)  If you're going to have a ring bearer, it should be a person, not an animal.

    again with this?

    Yup.  It's a bad idea, and that didn't change since the last time it was posted about, which this poster may not have seen.

  • Jen4948 said:
    My FSIL is having a baby a month before our wedding and is planning on breastfeeding. We are having a child free wedding but have told her that she wants to bring him that is fine. It sounds like she probably wont because she wants a night out to relax and that is totally cool too. She also sounded worried about him crying but I told her I didn't care if he cried. 

    We are also having my FI parents dog as our ring bearer. His parents also seem worried about him barking. We've told them if it's too much work for them and they'd rather not bring him that's ok too but that we don't mind if he barks. 

    Like PP have said I'm sure a professional videographer will be able to handle the sound of a crying baby or a dog barking. And honestly if they can't get rid of the sound and we miss a part  then I bet I'm going to laugh when I watch the video again and say yup that's our nephew I'm so glad he came, or wasn't Dexter the cutest little ring bearer. 

    So if you're close to these people having their children there could be great. If you aren't that close then don't invite the babies and realize their mothers might not come either.

    Just out of curiosity, does anyone attending your wedding have allergies to dogs?  If even one person does, then having a dog there is not appropriate.  Not only that, the dog's needs to be fed, walked, groomed, etc. don't stop because it's a wedding.  And not only that, are you okay with strangers trying to pet your dog?  For all those reasons, I don't advise having a dog there-let alone as a ring bearer.  (????)  If you're going to have a ring bearer, it should be a person, not an animal.

    We're having a very small wedding 50 people and we know them all and no one is allergic, many of them have dogs. The dog is going to be taken care of and have plenty of food water and is free to be taken for a walk at any time. Like I said we know everyone so there are no strangers and yes his parents are ok with family petting their dog. This dog is more part of the family than any other small children so it made more sense to invite him. I realize he may not feel like walking down the aisle and that is fine too. He's not being forced to wear a ridiculous outfit or do anything he doesn't want to. It's outdoors/in a tent and we've checked to make sure the venue is ok with him being there. Thanks for checking but I've got it covered.
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  • I invited kids based on relationship. I only invited  my nieces and nephews.   I had one friend who was BFing her 9 month old.  I did not invite the baby, they still attended my OOT wedding.  They brought a babysitter with them.


    One reason I did not make an exception to a nursing mom is what kind-of message does it send to the bottle fed mom?   Like some how their choice (or there lack of if there is a medical issue on why they can not BF) means their child is inferior to the BF child.

     As I said I had a friend who was BF'ing their 9 month old.  But I had another friend who had already weaned their 10 month old.    How fair would it have been to invite the 9 month old and not the 10 month old?    Then I had cousins who have just over a year old.   Again, where does it end? 

    Sure my situations might be unusual (I have a huge family where generation lines cross), but it's something to think about.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited June 2015

    I think all you can do is hope that the parents have a enough sense that if the baby starts crying and it can't be quieted by providing feeding or a pacifier, to walk out of the ceremony with the baby. That's what my nephew did with his baby.

    I'm not sure the proper way to do this, so hopefully I won't get beat up too bad for this suggestion. Maybe make a sign by the entrance to the point of "Smile, you may be on camera as our wedding is being videotaped." Then if any kids get noise, or even if someone has a coughing fit, they will excuse themselves

  • lyndausvi said:
    I invited kids based on relationship. I only invited  my nieces and nephews.   I had one friend who was BFing her 9 month old.  I did not invite the baby, they still attended my OOT wedding.  They brought a babysitter with them.


    One reason I did not make an exception to a nursing mom is what kind-of message does it send to the bottle fed mom?   Like some how their choice (or there lack of if there is a medical issue on why they can not BF) means their child is inferior to the BF child.

     As I said I had a friend who was BF'ing their 9 month old.  But I had another friend who had already weaned their 10 month old.    How fair would it have been to invite the 9 month old and not the 10 month old?    Then I had cousins who have just over a year old.   Again, where does it end? 

    Sure my situations might be unusual (I have a huge family where generation lines cross), but it's something to think about.
    This is one of my larger concerns. I actually misstated in the original post, one of the babies will be 11 months, the mom is back at work, etc. While I totally support and understand the convenience of being able to breastfeed your child, we have a number of other relatives/friends with 1 years olds, or 14 months, or whatever, some are breastfeeding, some are not. So while my natural inclination is to "make an exception" but then I feel like it will offend even more people who were told they couldn't bring their similarly aged children.
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @Marybaldwin

    If that is the case, then I would stick to your "no kids" plan and let your friends/family decide if they will be able to attend. Allowing them to come to the reception but not the ceremony doesn't solve this issue anyway. 
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