FOB's guests (break up with girlfriend)

Knottie1429728278

Ok, I think I know what the answer is to at least one of these questions, but wanted to double check so that I don't make a an etiquette faux pas.

My dad and his girlfriend have broken up (again). The list of guests my dad provided me with are entirely her friends. He had included two of his friends initially, and removed them. We have already sent out save the dates to his list. We'll be sending the invitations out at the end of July (8 weeks, wedding is OOT for many). I assume that since his list has been sent StD, they also still get invitations. Correct? This also may not end up being a problem since there's always the chance they'll get back together. 

Secondly, should I give him a chance to add some people that he identifies as his friends? I don't want this to come off as a B-list, but I don't want him to be there without any friends (and only family being me and my siblings). It'd be a minor pain in the sense that we already have our envelopes addressed. 

SP29

To the first- Yes. Anyone who receives a STD must be given an invitation. 

This is why STDs should only be given to VIPs- people you KNOW you want there, vs. everybody.

I suppose if you (and your dad) really didn't care about maintaining a relationship with these people, then you could not invite them. But that is essentially a friendship ending move (and would be against etiquette). So if you think your dad and his gf may get back together again (as you've hinted) or he will still remain friends with some of these people, then yes, send the invitations. Leave it up to these guests to decide if they will come or not. Some of them may choose to come because they still want to stay friendly with your dad. 

To the second- Yes, you can still invite more people. STDs are not required, and as above, even if you use them, you are not required to send them to every guest. As long as all guests are invited at the same time, when invitations go out, you can invite whomever you like. 

STARMOON44

It's not a B list if you invite everyone at the same time.

novella1186

STARMOON44 said:

It's not a B list if you invite everyone at the same time.

This. First question, yes, you still need to invite them. 

And second question, it's not B-listing. If you send the invites out all at the same time, you're fine. It doesn't matter that some people didn't get an STD since those aren't required. 

southernbelle0915

I actually don't necessarily agree that you need to invite them. The hard and fast rule is obviously "anyone who gets an STD gets an invitation". But by that logic, you'd need to invite the ex-gf, too. And I doubt PPs would agree that you should invite the FOB's ex-gf just because she received a STD.

Obviously not inviting these people would have consequences - like severed ties. So consider that when you make a decision.

I would ask your dad what he wants to do.

novella1186

southernbelle0915 said:

I actually don't necessarily agree that you need to invite them. The hard and fast rule is obviously "anyone who gets an STD gets an invitation". But by that logic, you'd need to invite the ex-gf, too. And I doubt PPs would agree that you should invite the FOB's ex-gf just because she received a STD. Obviously not inviting these people would have consequences - like severed ties. So consider that when you make a decision. I would ask your dad what he wants to do.

I think I've seen on this board before that if someone receives an STD as part of the social unit and then that social unit splits up, the person you're not close to does not need to get an invitation (so in this case, the ex-gf is not owed an invite regardless of getting an STD). 

The friends of the ex-gf were not part of the social unit. So the way I see it, they should still get an invite etiquette-wise. 

Knottie1429728278

Oh, and the GF's family members? Do they still receive invitations?

I will definitely check in with my dad, because these are relationships that he would be severing should he not want to send the invites. I have never met any of these folks. 

southernbelle0915

novella1186 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I actually don't necessarily agree that you need to invite them. The hard and fast rule is obviously "anyone who gets an STD gets an invitation". But by that logic, you'd need to invite the ex-gf, too. And I doubt PPs would agree that you should invite the FOB's ex-gf just because she received a STD.

Obviously not inviting these people would have consequences - like severed ties. So consider that when you make a decision.

I would ask your dad what he wants to do.

I think I've seen on this board before that if someone receives an STD as part of the social unit and then that social unit splits up, the person you're not close to does not need to get an invitation (so in this case, the ex-gf is not owed an invite regardless of getting an STD). 

The friends of the ex-gf were not part of the social unit. So the way I see it, they should still get an invite etiquette-wise. 

So the ex-gf's friends are still invited to their friend's ex's daughter's wedding, but the ex-gf isn't? That's just odd.

The rule is, if you send someone a STD, they should get an invite. The consequence of breaking that rule is severed ties. Would OP be breaking a rule by not inviting the ex and her friends? Technically, yea. But, if the FOB is severing ties with his ex-gf, I'd be surprised if he cares about severing ties with a few of her friends.

novella1186

southernbelle0915 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I actually don't necessarily agree that you need to invite them. The hard and fast rule is obviously "anyone who gets an STD gets an invitation". But by that logic, you'd need to invite the ex-gf, too. And I doubt PPs would agree that you should invite the FOB's ex-gf just because she received a STD. Obviously not inviting these people would have consequences - like severed ties. So consider that when you make a decision. I would ask your dad what he wants to do.

I think I've seen on this board before that if someone receives an STD as part of the social unit and then that social unit splits up, the person you're not close to does not need to get an invitation (so in this case, the ex-gf is not owed an invite regardless of getting an STD). 

The friends of the ex-gf were not part of the social unit. So the way I see it, they should still get an invite etiquette-wise. 

So the ex-gf's friends are still invited to their friend's ex's daughter's wedding, but the ex-gf isn't? That's just odd. The rule is, if you send someone a STD, they should get an invite. The consequence of breaking that rule is severed ties. Would OP be breaking a rule by not inviting the ex and her friends? Technically, yea. But, if the FOB is severing ties with his ex-gf, I'd be surprised if he cares about severing ties with a few of her friends.

------------------------box----------------------------------------------------

I agree it's odd. I was just trying to recall what I've seen etiquette-wise. I wouldn't want to invite the ex's friends in this situation, but like you said, there's a consequence to that since they already got an STD. 

OP, I think you should talk to your dad and see how he feels about said consequence. If he's fine with severing ties, then don't invite her friends or family. But you said in an earlier post that they may get back together, which makes this a little bit tricky. 

Jen4948

novella1186 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I actually don't necessarily agree that you need to invite them. The hard and fast rule is obviously "anyone who gets an STD gets an invitation". But by that logic, you'd need to invite the ex-gf, too. And I doubt PPs would agree that you should invite the FOB's ex-gf just because she received a STD. Obviously not inviting these people would have consequences - like severed ties. So consider that when you make a decision. I would ask your dad what he wants to do.

I think I've seen on this board before that if someone receives an STD as part of the social unit and then that social unit splits up, the person you're not close to does not need to get an invitation (so in this case, the ex-gf is not owed an invite regardless of getting an STD). 

The friends of the ex-gf were not part of the social unit. So the way I see it, they should still get an invite etiquette-wise. 

So the ex-gf's friends are still invited to their friend's ex's daughter's wedding, but the ex-gf isn't? That's just odd. The rule is, if you send someone a STD, they should get an invite. The consequence of breaking that rule is severed ties. Would OP be breaking a rule by not inviting the ex and her friends? Technically, yea. But, if the FOB is severing ties with his ex-gf, I'd be surprised if he cares about severing ties with a few of her friends.

------------------------box----------------------------------------------------

I agree it's odd. I was just trying to recall what I've seen etiquette-wise. I wouldn't want to invite the ex's friends in this situation, but like you said, there's a consequence to that since they already got an STD. 

OP, I think you should talk to your dad and see how he feels about said consequence. If he's fine with severing ties, then don't invite her friends or family. But you said in an earlier post that they may get back together, which makes this a little bit tricky. 

I agree.  If all these people would only be invited because they are friends or family members of your dad's ex, and you and your dad don't have relationships with them that are independent of his relationship or lack thereof with his ex, then I would think you wouldn't need to invite them, but I'd check with your dad on that.

Knottie1429728278

Thanks everyone!

[Deleted User]

I think you need to take into account whether these friends of FOB's ex-girlfriend will actually attend regarding the situation.   How well do you know his ex-girlfriend's friends?   Were they invited because you wanted them there or because your dad and his now ex wanted them there?   If you have no real relationship with these people and they were invited simply because  and his ex requested it while together, then I would say it's safe not to invite them.  

I put myself into the shoes the guest/friend's shoes..  Yes, I was sent a STD; however, my friend no longer has relationship with the couple and the FOB.  I would not find it rude/against etiquette for the invitation to be retracted due to the changes in the relationship status.   Why would I attend a wedding of someone that I'm not really connected to anymore?  

I think this is one of those situation where you need to sit down with your dad and determine the exact relationship you have with these specific guests.   If you feel they aren't individuals you'll pursue a friendship with in the future, then don't send an invite. 

[Deleted User]

Tough call since they have gotten back together before. First, go ahead & invite his friends if you can swing it. It's not b-listing since their invites would be going out at the same time as everyone elses.

Now since you are sending out the invites 8 weeks out, technically you could get away with sending out her famiy's invite 6-7 weeks out before the wedding. Because technically you aren't b-listing them because they aren't getting invites because others cancelled. You would just be waiting a little bit longer to see what the relationship situation is between your dad & GF. Then maybe at 7 weeks before the wedding, you go "Hey dad, what's the situation with you & Ex, do you want me to invite her family, in case you guys work things out?" Let your dad be the one to make that call.