Sticky mess with Mom and her spouse

OllisaurusRex

My mother's husband is not a decent person. I'd prefer to limit what I say for some privacy, plus so he can't track it down as easily. However, when he and my mom got married, the court said my dad got sole custody of my siblings and I - no visitation, no contact until of legal age.

However, my mom and I have an ok enough relationship. It's certainly not great, we aren't close. But she's still my mom.

I'd like my mom at my wedding, but I don't see how I can avoid inviting her husband. Etiquette says they're an established couple, we invite both. Flat out, if I never see his face or hear of him again, it'll be too soon.

I'm stuck between obliterating any relationship with my mom by inviting neither and having to deal with a sub human thing I'd avoid at any other time by inviting both. But my evil side is saying flambe that bridge, she picked him over her children knowing his history. Which is an old, old issue I'm still holding a grudge about.

Is my evil side that evil? Or do I need to suck it up for a weekend (rehearsal dinner, wedding, possibly morning after brunch)?

AddieCake

If this person has assaulted you, then don't invite him. But not knowing exactly what his "crimes" are, it's tough to say it's ok not to invite him. If you don't invite them or don't invite just him, you are probably severing your relationship with your mother.

CMGragain

I didn't invite the child molester to my wedding.

STARMOON44

Don't invite him. Yeah, it's rude. It might damage your relationship with your mom. But it sounds like there's already a lot if damage done.

LD1970

If he's been abusive or violent to you or your siblings, I'd suspend the rules of etiquette on this one & invite her solo.

Jen4948

Safety trumps etiquette. If he abused you or your siblings, then I think you can exclude him from an invitation to your mother.

southernbelle0915

Normally the rule is that SOs must be invited whether you like them or not. However, if he has a history of violence or abuse, etiquette takes a back seat to safety.

I do think your mom will have an issue with this and she may try to bring him anyway. It'd be wise to start thinking about how you'd handle those scenarios. You may even consider security for the wedding.

artbyallie

Calling him a 'subhuman thing' is pretty harsh. Is he a convicted murderer? Child molester? Meth dealer? Or is it possible that your feelings toward him (perhaps even redirected from your mother, who at least presumably loves him since she's married to him) are maybe a little biased and there's another side that you simply can't see?

kmmssg

It takes a LOT for a court to give sole custody to one parent and give the other parent no visitation or contact  until the kids are of legal age. A LOT.  Based on that, I'm going to say screw etiquette (which is rare for me to say), talk to your mother and tell her she is welcome but her husband isn't.  Seems like she should know this.  If she chooses him again over you then you know where the relationship stands.

MyNameIsNot

No contact or visitation means something pretty awful must have happened. It sounds like child molester to me. I would be on board with ignoring etiquette if that's the case.

The bigger question to me is whether mom would bring him anyway, or if she'd come without him. If she chose to be with him over having any contact with her children, do you think she would choose you over him now? Would it break your heart and open up all the old wounds if she refused to come without him? 

OliveOilsMom

Ditto PP.  If he did something so bad that your mother lost all custody and visitation rights, it's probably something bad enough where the safety of you and your guests trumps the rule that all SOs must be invited together.  So don't invite him.

I would give your mother a heads up about this at some point so its not a surprise to her when the invitation arrives.  It will also eliminate any awkward conversation with mom later when she RSVPs with her and her H.  "Mom, FI and I have been formulating the guest list and I just want you to know that I will not be inviting your H.  I really hope that you will still come to the wedding."  It should be self-explanatory to your mom why her H isn't invited.  But if your mom tries to ask why or get you to change your mind.  Don't engage her.  "Mom, I'm sorry you don't like the decision FI and I have made, but it is a final decision and not up for discussion.  Again, I hope that you will still come to our wedding."

Lastly, in your OP you say you are still holding a grudge against your mom.  While it seems like you have a very good reason to hold a grudge, maybe you should schedule a few sessions with a therapist to talk out the feelings you have for your mom and this grudge.  Letting the grudge go can have no impact on your relationship with your mom (you define the relationship you want).  But if could give you an overall healthier state of mind when you need to deal with or see your mom.

Good luck OP.

[Deleted User]

Without knowing the details it's hard to give advice one way or the other. But basically what it comes down to, would you rather impact the relationship with your mom or break an etiquette rule? Only you can make that call. I'm not going to tell you to do one or the other. But sometimes things aren't just black and white, and this sounds like a situation where there may be a lot of gray that impacts the decision.

pegasuskat

If he is bad enough that the courts wouldn't let your mom have even supervised visits, then its serious.  I would not invite him, and I wouldn't see my mom when he's around any other time either. I'd have a hard time getting past her choosing him, but I would make an attempt like it sounds like you are doing - but he wouldn't be a part of my life.

bizzy592

artbyallie said:

Calling him a 'subhuman thing' is pretty harsh. Is he a convicted murderer? Child molester? Meth dealer? Or is it possible that your feelings toward him (perhaps even redirected from your mother, who at least presumably loves him since she's married to him) are maybe a little biased and there's another side that you simply can't see?

It seems pretty clear based on OPs language choices and the fact that her mother was refused visitation, that this is not MUD. Let's avoid victim blaming and gaslighting, shall we?

AddieCake

bizzy592 said:

artbyallie said:

Calling him a 'subhuman thing' is pretty harsh. Is he a convicted murderer? Child molester? Meth dealer? Or is it possible that your feelings toward him (perhaps even redirected from your mother, who at least presumably loves him since she's married to him) are maybe a little biased and there's another side that you simply can't see?

It seems pretty clear based on OPs language choices and the fact that her mother was refused visitation, that this is not MUD. Let's avoid victim blaming and gaslighting, shall we?

She didn't call it MUD, nor is there any victim blaming or gaslighting here.

Cookie Pusher

bizzy592 said:

artbyallie said:

Calling him a 'subhuman thing' is pretty harsh. Is he a convicted murderer? Child molester? Meth dealer? Or is it possible that your feelings toward him (perhaps even redirected from your mother, who at least presumably loves him since she's married to him) are maybe a little biased and there's another side that you simply can't see?

It seems pretty clear based on OPs language choices and the fact that her mother was refused visitation, that this is not MUD. Let's avoid victim blaming and gaslighting, shall we?

I did my internship with children's services in my state. I handled supervised visitations and court appearances. I met a lot of real dirtbags and horribly neglectful/abusive parents. Yet every one of them at the very least had supervised visits even though some were drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, violent individuals, etc. To get NO visitation whatsoever until legal age indicates that this person did something really, really bad. 

pinkcow13

Yea, I'm on team screw etiquette and don't invite him to your wedding for this one.

And definitely speak to your mom and make it clear that he is by no means invited.

spglsp

Since we're well past the invitation decision, I'm going to offer a suggestion for breaking the news and sticking to your guns: try to avoid discussions about your motives. It can be very tempting to use this as an opportunity to discuss your concerns about her husband but she might see that as opening a door for debate. It's not going to make the experience any easier and you don't need her permission.

OllisaurusRex

We aren't close to sending invites yet, but we are close to Save the Dates. So it'll start now I suspect. I was already told by my mom to not expect her to do anything other than show up.

My therapist is aware of my history. Still haven't gotten over why he was more important, and I was told that numerous times, but I'm not sure I can ever understand that.

I know very well the fit if we dare invite my mom without him will be epic. And she'll have him come with her anyway. Because he is more important to my mom.

So if I'm not totally unreasonable in not wanting him at our wedding, guess it's time I burn the bridge with my mom. Well, it's probably past time, but nothing has pushed it and I know this will.

OliveOilsMom

Only you can decide if you are ready to cut ties with your mom, but if you don't want to do it just yet.  Let your mom freak out over your decision to not invite her H.  If you stay calm and don't engage in her crazy, you win and she looks bad.  So keep your words simple to her and don't try to engage in the "why" you are not inviting him.  If she truly won't give it up, then just leave the conversation.  "Sorry, mom, I have told you already that your H is not invited.  It is not up for discussion, so I will just talk to you later.  Bye." And follow through!

If you also think she will just show up with him.  Talk with your venue and tell them this one person is not invited.  They may ask you to hire security to deal with his potential arrival.  Or your venue may have a way to deal with this themselves.  Either way, if your mom shows up with her H, he will be asked to leave.  And any problems they try to cause will only reflect badly upon them.

blueeyedkat

Can I just say I want to give the biggest hug right now. If you don't want one, that's cool, I respect your space.

I don't think your wedding should be so stressing for you. We all know wedding planning is whole other mess of stress-induced hell, and this situation with your mom shouldn't be part of it. If you already know that she'll bring him with her regardless of what the invitation says, you should probably not invite her at all. If on one of your most happy days, to celebrate with all those that love and support you, your mother will not be able to put away her bullshit and respect you and your feelings, then she's not worth it. Maybe that bridge needs to be burned, and buried, and the earth scorched. If she's invited, and they show up (which they will, probably just to spite you), can you really see yourself having a relaxed and fun time at your own wedding? Will your mom or her hubs throw a tantrum, or if someone else has an emotional breakdown because he's there, do you really want that to happen at your wedding? Weddings are definitely not the place to rebuild long-held hate/mistrust/resentment of anyone. In fact, the opposite will probably happen.

Personally, I say don't invite her. Just don't. Don't give her any details on what exact date it will be on, or where. I'm not sure how spiteful they are, they may actually show up uninvited. So enjoy your planning, and your wedding date, and let her go, because she's not worth it.

climbingsingle

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Honestly if I were you, I wouldn't invite her at all. 

OllisaurusRex

Thanks everyone!

I realized the bridge needed a visit with some C4. I'm trying to salvage a crap relationship simply because we happen to share genetic material. Her children and family weren't important to her years ago, nothing has changed.

My step mom, who suddenly had to deal with a very upset and bratty 12 year old girl and three equally upset but slightly less bratty boys some 15 years ago, never questioned her new role as full time parent, didn't kill me like my very bad attitude probably dang near deserved, and she still loves me today. I think she's more excited about this wedding than I am. So I'm turning step mom loose on the fun she wants to do, and accepting her as my mom vs step mom.

So we sent Save the Dates post cards today. My mother didn't get one, nor did my one aunt who will even speak to her. My step mom has already bought frames for the card and future invite.

onefootinthebayou

Sounds like you made the right call, OP. I'm sorry you had to agonize over this decision.

Not knowing many if the details if your situation, although there may be some immediate fall out from not inviting your birth mother, it may not end the relationship if you don't want it to. She'll get over it if she can accept the adult concept that actions have consequences and that you made the best choice for you & the family you love on your wedding day.

However, from what it sounds like, there's a lot of hurt, anger, & lord knows what else that linger and have made the relationship unsalvageable. It's wonderful that you have such a good relationship with your step-mom and that she has and will continue to mother you with so much love. You sound really strong & mature OP, I wish you the best.

OllisaurusRex

I'm trying to be at least civil about my mother in public. I know I fail at that pretty often, but if I'm legally an adult and working with teenagers, I need to act like an adult.

So I'm really good at glossing over the bad. It's not so much rug sweeping as those who know the history get my evil spewing rants if they suggest I play happy families. It's more not flaunting dirty laundry in public.

So it's worse than I am comfortable posting, and there's a significant lack of reasonable adult behavior that gets thrown around by the supposed to be adults involved, including me. I'm really good at hissy fits.

Killing the relationship is going to be hell for a while, but I think I need it and it'll be better in the long run. Because as royally screwed up as I am, there's no way she'd ever get within 100 miles of my potential children.

downtondiva

OP, it is so sad that you came from a family situation where you even had to think about this, but you are doing the right thing for yourself and your guests. It sounds like inviting your mom without her husband would not have solved things, and as others have said, safety trumps etiquette. Whatever other rules our society may have about weddings, there is no worse breach of etiquette than putting anyone at your wedding in danger.

Wedding planning is a busy time, but it's supposed to be a happy one; this isn't the time to try to fix bad relationships or be fearful of seeing someone who makes you feel unsafe. I hope with this painful decision behind you, you'll get to move forward with more happiness and excitement about your wedding. Good luck.

SP29

I think you made the best decision for yourself, and your future family.

You could have invited your mom, without her H, knowing it would cause drama and potentially sever a relationship.

But the more you post, and since you say this woman will not be part of your potential children's' lives, sounds like now is the time to burn that bridge.

However, this doesn't necessarily end the relationship, if you don't want it to. You could send her a wedding announcement after (if you want). Continue to be polite and carry on whatever relationship you want to have...if you want one.

And your step-mom sounds delightful. I'm glad you have family like that in your life. I don't know what your relationship is like with her, or if you've told her these things before, but perhaps write her a letter with some of the things you've said here and give it to her as a wedding gift. I think it could be appreciated on both ends .

thefanciestbeckler

OP, I would first like to say that I am so sorry you are in this situation. I think you are making the right decision. I can relate to you in some ways.  My father and his wife will not be invited to my wedding for similar reasons. Before marrying her, he told my cousin that he knew he was making a choice between his kids and her, but he still chose her. So I get it. It is painful and stressful and sticky. Sometimes etiquette just doesn't apply. I commend you for your bravery and wish you well in the future!

[Deleted User]

Sorry about your situation, OP. Are you feelings about your mom's husband well known by both your mom and him? Out of respect for you and what seems like a contentious situation, if I were your mom, I'd leave him home. Similarly, if I were him, I'd gladly stay home. Avoid the drama and awkwardness of being somewhere you know you're not wanted. Any chance of that happening? If not, are you close enough with your mom where you could sit her down privately and have a heart to heart about it? I'd express in a civilized but assertive way that you're not comfortable with him being there and ask if she'd do you the favor of not bringing him. Might not end well, but at least you can say you made a genuine effort rather than flat out not sending an invite to him.

If all else fails, my own personal feeling would be that I'd invite him and try to be civil for the night. I know its not the same but I reallyyyy didn't want kids at my wedding, and ended up just inviting them to avoid pissing off some close friends and family members. There's still some give and take, even though its your day.

drunkenwitch

Skylarker04 said:

Sorry about your situation, OP. Are you feelings about your mom's husband well known by both your mom and him? Out of respect for you and what seems like a contentious situation, if I were your mom, I'd leave him home. Similarly, if I were him, I'd gladly stay home. Avoid the drama and awkwardness of being somewhere you know you're not wanted. Any chance of that happening? If not, are you close enough with your mom where you could sit her down privately and have a heart to heart about it? I'd express in a civilized but assertive way that you're not comfortable with him being there and ask if she'd do you the favor of not bringing him. Might not end well, but at least you can say you made a genuine effort rather than flat out not sending an invite to him.

If all else fails, my own personal feeling would be that I'd invite him and try to be civil for the night. I know its not the same but I reallyyyy didn't want kids at my wedding, and ended up just inviting them to avoid pissing off some close friends and family members. There's still some give and take, even though its your day.

Clearly, you have not read this thread.

drunkenwitch

It is all resolved at this point but I wanted to add a post cheering you on. You have made the absolute right decision