closed

Knottie14782787

Not here to be trolled.

Jen4948

It's not her job to "help with the wedding."  The only "duties" she has are to get the outfit and show up in it sober, on time, and in good spirits. So lay off her about "helping with the wedding," especially if she's pregnant for the Deity's sake. 

But demoting her or dropping her from your wedding party is not advised.  It's considered a truly relationship-damaging, if not killing, move.

Accept for now that your sister isn't available to "help" you with the wedding, stop talking about the wedding with her (that way she can't call anything "stupid"), and leave her alone.

klk111415

I would talk to her about how you feel, but not rely heavily on her to help out with tasks.  My MOH is pregnant and due 5 days after my wedding.  My other bridesmaids are totally understanding and coming together to plan the bachelorette party and bridal shower, so I haven't asked much of my MOH at all. It's an exciting time in her life and she has a lot more to be planning for than my wedding day which is just one day in my life.  And especially in the beginning, there are a lot of changes taking place and hormones running wild that she probably doesn't mean to be crummy to you.  Just give her a break.  I don't think demoting her is the best way to handle this.  

AddieCake

It's wrong for her to call your ideas stupid, (well, unless some of them truly ARE ) but she is not obligated to help with anything, and you should not expect her to.

kmmssg

Your wedding isn't her or your other BM's job.  If you can't do it then hire a wedding coordinator.  Calling your ideas stupid is wrong but don't fire her.  Oh wait, Addie already said that.

kaos16

Knottie14782787 said:

So I'm getting married in 10-11 months and my sister is my matron of honor. She's about thirteen weeks pregnant, due a good five months before my wedding. I have no problem with her being pregnant. 

What I do have a problem with is that she basically refuses to help with the wedding. I live in another country from where the wedding will take place, so I have to rely on family/the bridal party to do a lot for me since I can't do things in person. Thankfully my mom has been really helpful and she's done a lot for me, like mailing checks and signing contracts and stuff like that. But I feel like my sister should be helping out too. 

Not only that, she tells me that all my ideas are "stupid." She literally tells me that basically everything I want for my wedding is stupid. She even refused to wear the color of dress I chose because she said it didn't look good on her. I don't know what to do because she's being such a downer about everything! 

I asked my mom for advice and she said to demote my sister and not let her be in the bridal party, but she's my sister and - even though she probably sounds like it in this post - she's not a bad person. We're actually very close! I want my sister to be in my wedding. Any advice on how I can get her to stop being so crummy and to actually help out? I understand that she's busy with the arrival of her child, but that doesn't mean she has to be so horrible. 

I feel like by choosing to have a wedding in a different country from where you live, you and your fiance(e) have incurred some extra work in making sure things run properly.  It is certainly more difficult to plan a wedding from far away.  However, that burden is on you and your fiance(e), not your mom or your sister. If either offers to help, great, but if your sister doesn't want to, she is under no obligation to do anything before showing up the day of the wedding in the required outfit, sober.  

Also, have you thought that maybe she is calling your ideas stupid and complaining about the dress because she is going through some crazy body and emotional changes?  Maybe you should cut her some slack instead of contemplating demoting her!

Heffalump

Knottie14782787 said:

So I'm getting married in 10-11 months and my sister is my matron of honor. She's about thirteen weeks pregnant, due a good five months before my wedding. I have no problem with her being pregnant.

How very generous of you.

What I do have a problem with is that she basically refuses to help with the wedding. I live in another country from where the wedding will take place, so I have to rely on family/the bridal party to do a lot for me since I can't do things in person.

No one is responsible for making your wedding happen except you and your FI.  If you can't handle planning long distance, then you need to choose a local venue, not press your entire family into service.

I asked my mom for advice and she said to demote my sister and not let her be in the bridal party, but she's my sister and - even though she probably sounds like it in this post - she's not a bad person. We're actually very close! I want my sister to be in my wedding. Any advice on how I can get her to stop being so crummy and to actually help out? I understand that she's busy with the arrival of her child, but that doesn't mean she has to be so horrible.

This is terrible advice.  You didn't hire her, she doesn't work for you (despite your ideas to the contrary), and thus you can't demote her.  Following your mother's advice seems like it would cause a very serious rift between you and your sister.

OliveOilsMom

Have you asked your sister how she is doing?  Or do you talk all about your wedding.  You both have exciting events going on in your life, but baby trumps wedding. 

Stop talking about the wedding to your sister so she can't call any of your ideas stupid.  She is also wrong about complaining about the color of the BM dresses, you need to let her know that you have decided on x color and that is the end of the discussion.

You should also hire a wedding planner and not rely on your mom and BP to plan your wedding.  They are to be considered guests of honor at your wedding, not planners. 

AddieCake

Your mom's wedding idea to demote her is a stupid one. 

lyndausvi

I lived in the islands and got married in the states.  My sister lived the closest to our venue which was still 3 hours away.   My sister was my MOH.  She has 3 elementary aged kids at the time.

She helped me with a few stuff and I'm grateful for the help.  However, her help came on HER time, not mine.    

  Her help came in the form of storing items I had shipped to her house.  She went dress shopping when I was in town.  She helped address the envelopes one night with another friend (and a bottle of wine).    Sometimes we would do internet chats on picking out some decor, but that is more that she is a natural planner and likes the kind of stuff.   I never did that with the other BMs as they were not interested.  No big deal.

She picked up my dress and stored it in her home.  She helped me make up the escort cards the week of the wedding.     She helped me stuff the OOT bags, again, the week of the wedding. 

Most everything else was done by me and my mom (who mostly paid).  Which we were both OOT from each other too.  

Being a MOH 10-11 months out is NOT a full time job. Heck, being a bride is NOT a full time job.  I would go weeks without talking to my sister about the wedding.   I would go weeks without anything to do on my end too.  

Preparing for the birth of a child is WAY more important than planning a wedding.  Her hormones are out of whack.  She might be going through some morning sickness.   Just let her chill.   

 Bounce ideas off of us here on TK.      Heck that is why a lot of us came on here.    It gives our family and friends a break from our wedding, yet we can talk to people who are interested.

levioosa

What a bitch!!!! Your mom is totes correct; you should demote her.  After all, she was born to be your bridal bitch.  You are taking her pregnancy very well.  You should have demanded she wait to conceive until after the wedding. At the very least, you should demand she help.  After all, she's just planning out the life of a tiny person that will be completely in her care, and you're planning A WEDDING.  IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY.  OMG.  So selfish.  

For real though, if you are so "close" to your sister, you need to knock this crap out now, or you're going to harm your relationship.  She isn't required to help you or plan or pay for anything. You made the choice to get married in another county.  It's "crummy" that you're expecting people to do your work for you.  If you can't handle it, hire a wedding planner.  Demoting her or "firing" her (are you paying her?  Because I'm pretty sure that's the only way someone can be fired) is a friendship ending move. 

If your sister is being negative about ideas, then stop talking to her about them.  Problem solved.  

drunkenwitch

Knottie14782787

Thanks to those who actually gave real advice rather than being snarky, sarcastic bitches

To be honest, I think a lot of people are misunderstanding the whole point of my question. I'm not demoting my sister. I said that in my original post. She's my sister and I want her in my wedding. I also think a lot of people misunderstand and think that I feel my wedding is more important than my sister's baby - seriously, could you guys have been any snarkier? Some of you came across as real assholes. I get that baby trumps wedding. I get that my sister is going through hormonal changes. I never once said that I didn't. 

Knottie14782787

As for the maid of honor not doing anything, that's not the way it works in my family. When my sister got married, I did everything for her. I went to every fitting, every tasting. I helped address envelopes and put together favors. Even though I was working two jobs and lived three hours away, I did everything for her. And I'm not even asking my sister to do anything except be supportive. And several people suggested I just stop talking to my sister about the wedding. Um...No? Just because my sister is having a big life event doesn't mean I'm going to pretend my big life event isn't happening. I got the feeling several of you think I just talk non-stop about the wedding. That's not true at all. Every time my sister and I talk, we always talk about the baby first and foremost. Then, after we've talked about the baby, my sister will ask about the wedding. I don't bring it up. She does. And that's when she puts down my ideas. And I would genuinely worry that my ideas are stupid except my other bridesmaids really love all my ideas. I came here genuinely looking for advice so if you're just going to be a judgemental bitch please don't bother commenting.

drunkenwitch

Is it okay to be a contrary slut? Can I comment if I'm that?

TrixieJess

Knottie14782787 said:

As for the maid of honor not doing anything, that's not the way it works in my family. When my sister got married, I did everything for her. I went to every fitting, every tasting. I helped address envelopes and put together favors. Even though I was working two jobs and lived three hours away, I did everything for her. And I'm not even asking my sister to do anything except be supportive.

And several people suggested I just stop talking to my sister about the wedding. Um...No? Just because my sister is having a big life event doesn't mean I'm going to pretend my big life event isn't happening. I got the feeling several of you think I just talk non-stop about the wedding. That's not true at all. Every time my sister and I talk, we always talk about the baby first and foremost. Then, after we've talked about the baby, my sister will ask about the wedding. I don't bring it up. She does. And that's when she puts down my ideas. And I would genuinely worry that my ideas are stupid except my other bridesmaids really love all my ideas.

I came here genuinely looking for advice so if you're just going to be a judgemental bitch please don't bother commenting.

Welcome to the Internet! It's full of cats and people with opinions. If you want people to agree with you, stay off the internet until you grow a thicker skin or learn that people may disagree with you.

kmmssg

I would like a couple of examples of ideas she has called stupid.  If you are having a wedding that is thoughtful to your guests then most ideas aren't stupid.  If you are having a potluck reception with a cash bar and a dollar dance she might be on to something.

What exactly is she calling stupid?

jacques27

Knottie14782787 said:

As for the maid of honor not doing anything, that's not the way it works in my family. When my sister got married, I did everything for her. I went to every fitting, every tasting. I helped address envelopes and put together favors. Even though I was working two jobs and lived three hours away, I did everything for her. And I'm not even asking my sister to do anything except be supportive. And several people suggested I just stop talking to my sister about the wedding. Um...No? Just because my sister is having a big life event doesn't mean I'm going to pretend my big life event isn't happening. I got the feeling several of you think I just talk non-stop about the wedding. That's not true at all. Every time my sister and I talk, we always talk about the baby first and foremost. Then, after we've talked about the baby, my sister will ask about the wedding. I don't bring it up. She does. And that's when she puts down my ideas. And I would genuinely worry that my ideas are stupid except my other bridesmaids really love all my ideas. I came here genuinely looking for advice so if you're just going to be a judgemental bitch please don't bother commenting.

Here's some advice.

1. Life is not a Hallmark movie or Anne Hathaway Rom-Com.  No one is required to plan your wedding except you and your FI, because you're the two getting married.  No one will care as much about your wedding as the two of you.

2. Weddings are not year-long fawn all over you fests where everyone just lovingly adores you and tells you how super-special you are.  Thousands upon thousands of people get married every single day.  It doesn't mean they aren't happy for you, but the average reaction is they find out you're engaged, they squee and say how happy they are for you, and then they go back to living their lives until the day you get married when they squee again and say how happy they are for you and...guess what?!?  Go back to living their lives.  Again, life is not a Rom-Com.  People have jobs to work, relationships to sustain, children to raise, bills to pay.

3.  Your wedding ceremony is a very nice special thing between two people.  But everything else that you're doing to accompany that ceremony?  Inviting people, thanking them for coming by having a reception afterwards, feeding them food?  Yeah, basically you're throwing a dinner party.  That's all.  Whether you're inviting 20 people or 200 people, you're throwing a dinner party.  If you require that much "support" for throwing a party, then it may be time to either reevaluate your plans or look deep inside yourself as to see why that is. 

4.  Your wedding party (MOH, bridesmaids, etc.) are not your hired help.  Unless you're paying them and have a contract, they don't have jobs.  They are not there to honor YOU.  Again, see point number two.  The honor is one you bestow on THEM, because they are important to you and you can't see yourself getting married without them by your side.  If you picked them for any reason besides that, such as how much you thought they'd be able to help you, then you did wrong.  Sorry.  It's great that you decided to be stereotypical Rom-Com MOH for other people and devote yourself to other people's weddings, but it's not required when actual life is longer than 90 minutes and doesn't star Kate Hudson.  That isn't what the MOH actually is and I'm very sorry that somehow you were led astray and led to believe that just because you are getting married, your friends are supposed to devote themselves to a party you decided to throw.  All that's required of them is to show up in the requested attire on time, relatively sober enough to walk a straight line down an aisle, and stand up next to you while you pledge your life to another.

5.  You seem to require a lot of external validation and "support".  Whether that's a self-esteem issue, or what, I don't know, but may be something you want to explore with a professional suited to sorting that stuff out.

AddieCake

So we tell you it's not her job to help you, and we tell you to stop talking about the wedding with her so she can't call your ideas stupid, and you in turn get mad, act like that's absurd advice, and call us bitches and assholes? Maybe this is why your sister isn't that into you, either.

kmmssg

jacques27 said:

Knottie14782787 said:

As for the maid of honor not doing anything, that's not the way it works in my family. When my sister got married, I did everything for her. I went to every fitting, every tasting. I helped address envelopes and put together favors. Even though I was working two jobs and lived three hours away, I did everything for her. And I'm not even asking my sister to do anything except be supportive. And several people suggested I just stop talking to my sister about the wedding. Um...No? Just because my sister is having a big life event doesn't mean I'm going to pretend my big life event isn't happening. I got the feeling several of you think I just talk non-stop about the wedding. That's not true at all. Every time my sister and I talk, we always talk about the baby first and foremost. Then, after we've talked about the baby, my sister will ask about the wedding. I don't bring it up. She does. And that's when she puts down my ideas. And I would genuinely worry that my ideas are stupid except my other bridesmaids really love all my ideas. I came here genuinely looking for advice so if you're just going to be a judgemental bitch please don't bother commenting.

Here's some advice.

1. Life is not a Hallmark movie or Anne Hathaway Rom-Com.  No one is required to plan your wedding except you and your FI, because you're the two getting married.  No one will care as much about your wedding as the two of you.

2. Weddings are not year-long fawn all over you fests where everyone just lovingly adores you and tells you how super-special you are.  Thousands upon thousands of people get married every single day.  It doesn't mean they aren't happy for you, but the average reaction is they find out you're engaged, they squee and say how happy they are for you, and then they go back to living their lives until the day you get married when they squee again and say how happy they are for you and...guess what?!?  Go back to living their lives.  Again, life is not a Rom-Com.  People have jobs to work, relationships to sustain, children to raise, bills to pay.

3.  Your wedding ceremony is a very nice special thing between two people.  But everything else that you're doing to accompany that ceremony?  Inviting people, thanking them for coming by having a reception afterwards, feeding them food?  Yeah, basically you're throwing a dinner party.  That's all.  Whether you're inviting 20 people or 200 people, you're throwing a dinner party.  If you require that much "support" for throwing a party, then it may be time to either reevaluate your plans or look deep inside yourself as to see why that is. 

4.  Your wedding party (MOH, bridesmaids, etc.) are not your hired help.  Unless you're paying them and have a contract, they don't have jobs.  They are not there to honor YOU.  Again, see point number two.  The honor is one you bestow on THEM, because they are important to you and you can't see yourself getting married without them by your side.  If you picked them for any reason besides that, such as how much you thought they'd be able to help you, then you did wrong.  Sorry.  It's great that you decided to be stereotypical Rom-Com MOH for other people and devote yourself to other people's weddings, but it's not required when actual life is longer than 90 minutes and doesn't star Kate Hudson.  That isn't what the MOH actually is and I'm very sorry that somehow you were led astray and led to believe that just because you are getting married, your friends are supposed to devote themselves to a party you decided to throw.  All that's required of them is to show up in the requested attire on time, relatively sober enough to walk a straight line down an aisle, and stand up next to you while you pledge your life to another.

5.  You seem to require a lot of external validation and "support".  Whether that's a self-esteem issue, or what, I don't know, but may be something you want to explore with a professional suited to sorting that stuff out.

This is just excellent!!!

kmmssg

OP - please read the private messages I sent you as soon as possible.  you are continuing to report so I know you are monitoring this thread.

Knottie14782787

Can everyone please just stop? Seriously? I obviously didn't know what I was getting into when posting on a forum. I expected people to give genuine advice - and thank you so much for those that did - but mostly I got an influx of hate. 

And you misunderstand. The people I'm frustrated with are the people who responded in a very sarcastic manner, treating me like the scum of the earth because I want my sister to not tell me my ideas are stupid - btw, for those who asked, the ideas she's telling me are stupid are that one of my longtime friends is going to play a song during the ceremony on her guitar, having paper crane chandeliers (my fiancé is Chinese and I'm a teacher and my students made me beautiful origami cranes), having my mom walk me down the aisle instead of my grandfather (my father passed away and I'm not very close with my grandfather, so I want my mom to walk me). I was very surprised to receive such hateful comments so I lashed out, and for that I apologize. 

And for those of you who keep saying that the maid of honor doesn't have to do anything but show up, please read this: https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail. Clearly, some people expect their maid of honor to actually do something more than just show up. But all I'm expecting from my sister, aside from her showing up, is that she doesn't say everything about my wedding is stupid. I genuinely don't see how that is selfish. 

And as for saying that I need to seek professional help for a self-esteem issue, that's really low. You don't even know me. I am a very self-assured, successful person. I don't need your validation or that of anybody on this site, though I appreciate the genuinely helpful comments. My wanting my sister, who is my best friend and practically raised me when my parents were getting a divorce when I was child, has nothing to do with my self-esteem. It has to do with my wanting my sister to enjoy the day with me as opposed to hating everything. 

I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore. I would've deleted it a long time ago when I realized that everyone was misinterpreting the situation - which I may not have explained very well if I could. I have a busy life so I'm not used to posting on forums. Obviously I am clearly unprepared for the way people can hide behind their anonymity and be horrible to other people. 

AddieCake

You specifically said your sister refuses to help, so clearly you do expect more than showing up and not calling things stupid. Nobody was horrible to you. You're new to forums, so my advice is if you want to continue using any, you get a thicker skin. If you can't do that, the Internet may not be for you.

MairePoppy

You're a teacher?

justsie

Knottie14782787 said:

Can everyone please just stop? Seriously? I obviously didn't know what I was getting into when posting on a forum. I expected people to give genuine advice - and thank you so much for those that did - but mostly I got an influx of hate. 

And you misunderstand. The people I'm frustrated with are the people who responded in a very sarcastic manner, treating me like the scum of the earth because I want my sister to not tell me my ideas are stupid - btw, for those who asked, the ideas she's telling me are stupid are that one of my longtime friends is going to play a song during the ceremony on her guitar, having paper crane chandeliers (my fiancé is Chinese and I'm a teacher and my students made me beautiful origami cranes), having my mom walk me down the aisle instead of my grandfather (my father passed away and I'm not very close with my grandfather, so I want my mom to walk me). I was very surprised to receive such hateful comments so I lashed out, and for that I apologize. 

And for those of you who keep saying that the maid of honor doesn't have to do anything but show up, please read this: https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail. Clearly, some people expect their maid of honor to actually do something more than just show up. But all I'm expecting from my sister, aside from her showing up, is that she doesn't say everything about my wedding is stupid. I genuinely don't see how that is selfish. 

And as for saying that I need to seek professional help for a self-esteem issue, that's really low. You don't even know me. I am a very self-assured, successful person. I don't need your validation or that of anybody on this site, though I appreciate the genuinely helpful comments. My wanting my sister, who is my best friend and practically raised me when my parents were getting a divorce when I was child, has nothing to do with my self-esteem. It has to do with my wanting my sister to enjoy the day with me as opposed to hating everything. 

I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore. I would've deleted it a long time ago when I realized that everyone was misinterpreting the situation - which I may not have explained very well if I could. I have a busy life so I'm not used to posting on forums. Obviously I am clearly unprepared for the way people can hide behind their anonymity and be horrible to other people. 

JIC- also a bit of advice. The knot is a for profit company. If you want to listen to someone (or something) that is looking to make you spend the MOST money you can, listen to the knot. I think it says a lot that so many people commented on this thread and do that because they truly want people to have good experiences, a good wedding, and treat their honorary (because thats what a MOH position is, a honor for the person selected) with respect. The people who comment here earn 0$ for giving you advice. The fact that you couldn't take that advice is on you.

jacques27

Knottie14782787 said:

Can everyone please just stop? Seriously? I obviously didn't know what I was getting into when posting on a forum. I expected people to give genuine advice - and thank you so much for those that did - but mostly I got an influx of hate. 

And you misunderstand. The people I'm frustrated with are the people who responded in a very sarcastic manner, treating me like the scum of the earth because I want my sister to not tell me my ideas are stupid - btw, for those who asked, the ideas she's telling me are stupid are that one of my longtime friends is going to play a song during the ceremony on her guitar, having paper crane chandeliers (my fiancé is Chinese and I'm a teacher and my students made me beautiful origami cranes), having my mom walk me down the aisle instead of my grandfather (my father passed away and I'm not very close with my grandfather, so I want my mom to walk me). I was very surprised to receive such hateful comments so I lashed out, and for that I apologize. 

And for those of you who keep saying that the maid of honor doesn't have to do anything but show up, please read this: https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail. Clearly, some people expect their maid of honor to actually do something more than just show up. But all I'm expecting from my sister, aside from her showing up, is that she doesn't say everything about my wedding is stupid. I genuinely don't see how that is selfish. 

And as for saying that I need to seek professional help for a self-esteem issue, that's really low. You don't even know me. I am a very self-assured, successful person. I don't need your validation or that of anybody on this site, though I appreciate the genuinely helpful comments. My wanting my sister, who is my best friend and practically raised me when my parents were getting a divorce when I was child, has nothing to do with my self-esteem. It has to do with my wanting my sister to enjoy the day with me as opposed to hating everything. 

I'm not going to reply to this thread anymore. I would've deleted it a long time ago when I realized that everyone was misinterpreting the situation - which I may not have explained very well if I could. I have a busy life so I'm not used to posting on forums. Obviously I am clearly unprepared for the way people can hide behind their anonymity and be horrible to other people. 

If you're still lurking, do you know why I don't believe the bolded?  Because in one breath you say you expect nothing, then you also say:

"basically refuses to help with the wedding" - Implying you're asking or at least expecting it

"But I feel like my sister should be helping out too." - So which is it?  You're not expecting her to do anything or you're expecting her to help?  Or you're not expecting her to do anything, but reserve the right to feel pissy that she isn't?

"Any advice on how I can get her to stop being so crummy and to actually help out?" - So you have no expectations of her, but want the internets to tell you how to make her do stuff for you?  Huh?

"And I'm not even asking my sister to do anything except be supportive." - So, if you're not asking her to do anything, then what is it that she's refusing to do in your original post that you deleted?  I don't understand how someone can refuse to do something you didn't ask them to do...

"When my sister got married, I did everything for her. I went to every fitting, every tasting. I helped address envelopes and put together favors. Even though I was working two jobs and lived three hours away, I did everything for her." - If you are truly expecting nothing from her, then why all the bean counting?  Why all the keeping score of what you did for her and what she's not doing for you? 

So, I'm not sure if your repeated assertions that you're not expecting anything from her except for not putting down your ideas is really to convince yourself, us, or a little of both, because all the rest of your words point to the exact opposite.

You don't have a wedding problem.  You don't have a MOH problem. 
You do have a mom problem, an expectations problem, and communication problem.

1.  Mom - I'm actually appalled that she suggested you "demote" your sister.  I'm not sure I would trust any other wedding advice that comes from her if she's suggesting that.  That is just...gross.  You aren't your sister's employer.  If you want someone to do work for your wedding, hire a wedding planner.

2.  Expectations - I think clearly covered here.  You need to actually adjust your expectations to what you claim they are or learn to be a better liar about it.

3.  Communication - Did it ever occur to you that your sister just isn't into planning a wedding as you?  Especially when it's not her wedding?  She's been there, done that and moved on.  Maybe she's all wedding-ed out.  Or maybe she never was into it, which is why she let you do all that crap for her when you were her MOH.  If caring about the minutiae of your wedding is your defining characteristic of whether someone is being a good sister/friend to you, you're in for a world of disappointment.  Maybe when she asks about how the wedding is going, she just wants an overview like "Hey, we booked our venue and our band," and doesn't actually care how many paper cranes you're going to suspend from the ceiling.  If she's clearly not into it, then why are you forcing it on her to care about it?  Why do you need that validation and the validation of your other bridesmaids that it's a good idea?  Why is someone who is allegedly so self-assured not able to say "Gee, sis, that kind of hurts my feelings that you think my idea is dumb.  Any reason why you think that?  I thought it was pretty awesome myself" and then realize different people care about and like different things and move on with other topics? 

Sure, your wedding is a big event in your life, but hopefully it's not the only thing going on in your life because it isn't the only thing going on in hers.  Talk to her as your sister - not your MOH or wedding planner.  The only person you can control is you - you can't make her more interested or more involved, so you can either accept it and find other outlets for sharing the minutiae of your wedding (like your FI) or continue to be a petty bean counter and be disappointed.

[Deleted User]

You removed this post because of trolling and I would have to. I don't understand why some people think that just because all they expect their BM to do is "Wear the dress and show up sober" doesn't mean everyone else has the $?K to afford to pay for help when your BM have offered and are now being flaky. My sister is leaving for college and the wedding is going to be at the end of her first semester. I reassured her from the beginning that she (as my MOH) didn't need to worry about any of the wedding planning and to not stress about the Bridal Shower or Bachelorette party. I reminded her that there are 5 other BM and she can ask for help but once she goes to college, her only job is to show up in the dress. This is because of our circumstances....not because that is what she wants to do as MOH. I don't expect anything from my BP, I grew up being taught to do everything for yourself and if you want something, that it was my job to work toward it. I am in no way entitled to anything but a rude, selfish, non-supportive BM would absolutely be a downer. I might not do anything until she has the baby. Sounds like her pregnancy is the reason she isn't being as nice as she normally is. Some prego women are whiners....it's annoying but true. Maybe she is acting out because she isn't getting 100% of the spotlight.

AddieCake

DplusKDec192015 said:

You removed this post because of trolling and I would have to. I don't understand why some people think that just because all they expect their BM to do is "Wear the dress and show up sober" doesn't mean everyone else has the $?K to afford to pay for help when your BM have offered and are now being flaky. My sister is leaving for college and the wedding is going to be at the end of her first semester. I reassured her from the beginning that she (as my MOH) didn't need to worry about any of the wedding planning and to not stress about the Bridal Shower or Bachelorette party. I reminded her that there are 5 other BM and she can ask for help but once she goes to college, her only job is to show up in the dress. This is because of our circumstances....not because that is what she wants to do as MOH. I don't expect anything from my BP, I grew up being taught to do everything for yourself and if you want something, that it was my job to work toward it. I am in no way entitled to anything but a rude, selfish, non-supportive BM would absolutely be a downer. I might not do anything until she has the baby. Sounds like her pregnancy is the reason she isn't being as nice as she normally is. Some prego women are whiners....it's annoying but true. Maybe she is acting out because she isn't getting 100% of the spotlight.

WTF does paying someone have to do with this? Not expecting your bridal party to help with the wedding does not mean you have to pay someone to do it. Many couples manage to do it all on their own. 

So her sister is selfish for not helping with the wedding? Really? The ONLY thing the sister is guilty of here  is calling things stupid. 

And to the bolded, this is just....um....wow. You're something else with this. 

[Deleted User]

Yes, many couples do....this I understand because we are planning and paying for ours ourselves. 

I don't know her but her sister just sounds like a brat.

I know you don't know me, so I can't blame you for not understanding my comment about "some" pregnant women but I am 100% for motherhood and I too want to be a mom, hopefully of a large family. I have just observed women who deal with their pregnancies like a champ and even if they are hulled up in bed or with a hole through their heart on hospital watch, their attitudes are sane and rational. I have also witnessed the occasional woman who uses her pregnancy as early as she is aware of it as an excuse to not do anything for the next so many months and makes life a living hell for everyone around despite their relatively normal pregnancy with absolutely no health issues.

People like to attack on this site and I don't think it's necessary. 

[Deleted User]

Let me clarify why I think she sounds like a brat:

1) she refuses to wear a color 

2) she is putting the bride's wishes down

I don't know where the OP is on the idea of duties and that is beside the point.....her MOH is being a pain in the neck and completely un-supportive for the the one who is supposedly her right hand lady and definetly for a sister who is apparently really close with the Bride. 

I never said she was selfish for not helping, she's selfish for making it all about what she will or will not wear and being rude about the bride's dream wedding. It's not her wedding. IMO, if she is going to be so vocal about plans/details being "stupid" she should step up in the planning process. If she refuses to be a part of it (which is her right, it's not an obligation), then she needs to keep her opinion to herself.

TrixieJess

DplusKDec192015 said:

You removed this post because of trolling and I would have to. I don't understand why some people think that just because all they expect their BM to do is "Wear the dress and show up sober" doesn't mean everyone else has the $?K to afford to pay for help when your BM have offered and are now being flaky. My sister is leaving for college and the wedding is going to be at the end of her first semester. I reassured her from the beginning that she (as my MOH) didn't need to worry about any of the wedding planning and to not stress about the Bridal Shower or Bachelorette party. I reminded her that there are 5 other BM and she can ask for help but once she goes to college, her only job is to show up in the dress. This is because of our circumstances....not because that is what she wants to do as MOH. I don't expect anything from my BP, I grew up being taught to do everything for yourself and if you want something, that it was my job to work toward it. I am in no way entitled to anything but a rude, selfish, non-supportive BM would absolutely be a downer. I might not do anything until she has the baby. Sounds like her pregnancy is the reason she isn't being as nice as she normally is. Some prego women are whiners....it's annoying but true. Maybe she is acting out because she isn't getting 100% of the spotlight.

Ummm, my FI and I are paying for our wedding, with a $5,000 budget and I won't see my MOH until the day of my wedding maybe the week. I'm not sure of her travel plans yet. I told her the wedding date and she'll be there for it.

OP wasn't trolled. She wasn't agreed with. If she had been trolled, the Mods would have taken care of it. She is acting like a petulent child and filling everyone's Bingo card.

Girls, suck it up. Your Bridal Party isn't free labour. If you can't do it yourself, figure out who can do it cheaply for you.