if these are poor etiquette then what do we do?

doclago

My fiance and I are both in our 40s. This is a second marriage for both of us. We don't really NEED anything in terms of typical new home stuff. We need big ticket items, like having the deck/patio redone.We had thought about a honeyfund type thing but, from what I am reading, that is considered bad form. I don't much care if people give gifts or not, but I know they will feel like they need to. So what are the options?

We were also thinking about making donations to a charity in lieu of favors, in part so people don't have stuff to bring home with them (most are traveling to the event) and because we have a charity we care very much about. But, apparently, this is in poor form as well? 
I am so confused....

bride2b71614

It's poor form to ask for money. Honey funds take a large chunk of change out what the guest is paying for. You're better off having people giving you money to pay for honeymoon items etc. than going through a website that takes 10% of whatever. If you want money, don't register for anything. People generally get the hint.

As for the charity favor, yes, its nice to donate to charity but it would be a charity of your choosing, and not the guests. As a guest how would you feel if someone donated to a charity/cause you gave zero f*cks about/stood against your moral values (for example a pro-life person having someone donate to an abortion clinic on their behalf. This is an extreme example but I think it gets the point across). You wouldn't want that and neither would your guests. You can donate part of the cash you receive to the particular charity, but not in the guests names/as favors. Or you could also forgo favors altogether, because the reception is a thank you in itself for your guests.

AddieCake

Just don't register and hope people get the hint. They may not, though, so just be aware of that. We had a registry and got several restaurant gift cards and several boxed items not even from our registry. It's impolite to ask for cash in any way, though, so just hope for the best!

Jen4948

Sometimes people give gifts because they want to or think they should, no matter what you do and how hard you try to discourage it. If you get unwanted physical gifts, then as long as you send prompt, gracious thank-you notes to the givers for them, you can dispose of them as you see fit. Honeyfunds are rude because it's bad form to ask for cash (they don't actually pay your honeymoon expenses), the promoters of the funds help themselves to a cut of the cash before the couple gets it, and many people feel that a honeymoon for the couple is a very personal expense that they should not look to receive as a gift from their guests.

You can donate to charity in lieu of giving favors.  Favors are not required.  But, the donation is not itself a "favor" or "gift" to your guests, and it's not okay to make the donation "in their honor" or to advertise it as such.  The guests may not support the charity you chose to donate to, and they receive no benefit, not even a tax deduction, from the donation.  So announcing that you made the donation as a "favor to" or a "gift to" your guests, or "in lieu of favors," doesn't do anything for your guests and doesn't make you appear altruistic or selfless.

There are those people who are willing to help fund honeymoons or make charitable donations as gifts, but they prefer to give the cash directly to the couple to spend as they see fit without being asked to give it to honeyfunds or organizations they don't support. But they have to be allowed to make those decisions for themselves without being asked to by the couple.

Edited second paragraph.

kvruns

Don't register, people get the hint. We had 2 random "boxed" gifts and the rest were $$ or gift cards.

I don't get the whole donation in lieu of flowers thing.  You don't have to have flowers period, and especially not centerpiece flowers that someone takes home with them. If you want to make a donation, make it, just don't tell everyone about it or that you chose to forego a perceived required décor item for said donation.  

MyNameIsNot

doclago said:

My fiance and I are both in our 40s. This is a second marriage for both of us. We don't really NEED anything in terms of typical new home stuff. We need big ticket items, like having the deck/patio redone.We had thought about a honeyfund type thing but, from what I am reading, that is considered bad form. I don't much care if people give gifts or not, but I know they will feel like they need to. So what are the options?

We were also thinking about making donations to a charity in lieu of favors, in part so people don't have stuff to bring home with them (most are traveling to the event) and because we have a charity we care very much about. But, apparently, this is in poor form as well? 
I am so confused....

If you don't want tangible gifts, just don't register. Registering for money is rude. If anyone asks, say "oh, we didn't register because we don't need anything around the house, but we are saving for some home improvement projects." If people want to give a gift, they will either give cash or pick something out for you. There is no need to register for cash, and no need to have some company take a percentage of your gifts. People know how to put money in an envelope.

On the second, it isn't rude to donate instead of having favors. It's rude to advertise and brag about the donation. Favors are never necessary. If you don't want people to carry something home, just skip them. If you want to spend the money you would have spent on a donation, great. Just keep it to yourself. A donation is not a favor to your guests, and it is none of their business.  

redheadbride15

I went through the same registry conundrum because we really didn't need/want any physical gifts. I'm personally not opposed to honeymoon funds (I find them no more gift-grabby than any registry) but after lurking these threads it became obvious to me that a significant portion of people would side-eye them and I didn't want to risk offending any of my guests.

We simply didn't register and about 80% of our guests took the hint and gave use cash or check gifts. Pretty much the only gifts we received that will not get used are a set of silverware from an old-fashioned uncle of my H's, and a crystal sugar bowl from the mother of a friend.

So my advice? Put aside your feelings on the matter and follow the generally accepted etiquette guidelines the PPs have noted. In the end you'll probably get mostly cash gifts anyway. (And ditto for the charity idea - for the reasons mentioned above).

spglsp

PPs have got this. Don't register, no shower, if anyone asks you can say "...but we're saving for some home improvement projects". They'll get the idea.

Favors are optional, so if you don't want the guests to carry anything, you don't actually have to give them anything. If you really want to have tangible favors, edibles go over really well and they can be eaten before traveling back home.

novella1186

Agree with PPs. 

FWIW we didn't have favors at our wedding. I don't like getting favors at other peoples' wedding. I always leave them on the table (and I always see tons of others also left on tables). So it seemed like a total waste of money to me. 

We took what we would have spent on favors and upgraded our bar instead. I think guests enjoyed that way more than a bottle opener or bag of hershey kisses. 

AddieCake

redheadbride15 said:

I went through the same registry conundrum because we really didn't need/want any physical gifts. I'm personally not opposed to honeymoon funds (I find them no more gift-grabby than any registry) but after lurking these threads it became obvious to me that a significant portion of people would side-eye them and I didn't want to risk offending any of my guests.

We simply didn't register and about 80% of our guests took the hint and gave use cash or check gifts. Pretty much the only gifts we received that will not get used are a set of silverware from an old-fashioned uncle of my H's, and a crystal sugar bowl from the mother of a friend.

So my advice? Put aside your feelings on the matter and follow the generally accepted etiquette guidelines the PPs have noted. In the end you'll probably get mostly cash gifts anyway. (And ditto for the charity idea - for the reasons mentioned above).

I love, love, love that this happened. This right here is the reason so many of us are here, even long after our weddings are over. And this is why we "pile on" many times with so many of us saying an idea isn't a good one. I love that you took that to heart and realized we represent your guests instead of taking the "my guests won't care" attitude. @redheadbride15

redheadbride15

AddieCake said:

redheadbride15 said:

I went through the same registry conundrum because we really didn't need/want any physical gifts. I'm personally not opposed to honeymoon funds (I find them no more gift-grabby than any registry) but after lurking these threads it became obvious to me that a significant portion of people would side-eye them and I didn't want to risk offending any of my guests.

We simply didn't register and about 80% of our guests took the hint and gave use cash or check gifts. Pretty much the only gifts we received that will not get used are a set of silverware from an old-fashioned uncle of my H's, and a crystal sugar bowl from the mother of a friend.

So my advice? Put aside your feelings on the matter and follow the generally accepted etiquette guidelines the PPs have noted. In the end you'll probably get mostly cash gifts anyway. (And ditto for the charity idea - for the reasons mentioned above).

I love, love, love that this happened. This right here is the reason so many of us are here, even long after our weddings are over. And this is why we "pile on" many times with so many of us saying an idea isn't a good one. I love that you took that to heart and realized we represent your guests instead of taking the "my guests won't care" attitude. @redheadbride15

Awww, you Ladies of The Knot are awesome! I'm really glad I found these forums while planning my wedding. And now I too am turning into one of those people who posts after the wedding day (almost a month being an OMH here!)

OliveOilsMom

Ditto PP.  I will say that as a guest, no matter how far I have traveled to attend a wedding, I always appreciate an edible favor!  So cookies, candies, chocolate covered pretzels, etc.  Those will get taken and eaten!  We made chocolate covered pretzels for our favors and the guests loved them, if someone didn't take theirs, another person at their table grabbed it.  We took none home and they cost us less than $50 to do!

So either skip the favor entirely or give a small edible one.  I'm sure you can find something to do yourselves that would cost the same as whatever amount you would have donated to the charity.

Cookie Pusher

redheadbride15 said:

I went through the same registry conundrum because we really didn't need/want any physical gifts. I'm personally not opposed to honeymoon funds (I find them no more gift-grabby than any registry) but after lurking these threads it became obvious to me that a significant portion of people would side-eye them and I didn't want to risk offending any of my guests.

We simply didn't register and about 80% of our guests took the hint and gave use cash or check gifts. Pretty much the only gifts we received that will not get used are a set of silverware from an old-fashioned uncle of my H's, and a crystal sugar bowl from the mother of a friend.

So my advice? Put aside your feelings on the matter and follow the generally accepted etiquette guidelines the PPs have noted. In the end you'll probably get mostly cash gifts anyway. (And ditto for the charity idea - for the reasons mentioned above).

We didn't register either, and got 100% monetary gifts. Heck, we had a few people who either declined the invitation or weren't invited at all give us cash gifts.

doclago

Thank you all so much for the great responses!   

I really like the idea of taking the money for favors and upgrading the bar!  We have lots of people coming who have "discerning taste" in beer and it will cost more to bring in special requests. I think they might appreciate the microbrews more than cookie or candies....plus, isn't that what the dessert table is for?

I always disliked getting favors. 

[Deleted User]

doclago said:

Thank you all so much for the great responses!   

I really like the idea of taking the money for favors and upgrading the bar!  We have lots of people coming who have "discerning taste" in beer and it will cost more to bring in special requests. I think they might appreciate the microbrews more than cookie or candies....plus, isn't that what the dessert table is for?

I always disliked getting favors. 

Um, hell yes on the microbrews.  Thank you from all the beer lovers out there.

thespeshulestsnowflake

adk19 said:

doclago said:

Thank you all so much for the great responses!   

I really like the idea of taking the money for favors and upgrading the bar!  We have lots of people coming who have "discerning taste" in beer and it will cost more to bring in special requests. I think they might appreciate the microbrews more than cookie or candies....plus, isn't that what the dessert table is for?

I always disliked getting favors. 

Um, hell yes on the microbrews.  Thank you from all the beer lovers out there.

Seconded

PrettyGirlLost

doclago said:

Thank you all so much for the great responses!   

I really like the idea of taking the money for favors and upgrading the bar!  We have lots of people coming who have "discerning taste" in beer and it will cost more to bring in special requests. I think they might appreciate the microbrews more than cookie or candies....plus, isn't that what the dessert table is for?

I always disliked getting favors. 

Oh, you mean hipsters who like over hopped, "craft" beers?


I'd prefer cookies or chocolate to craft beers, or I'd like an upgraded cocktail option, but I think upgrading the beer selection is the right way to go for your crowd!

SP29

Don't do a registry. If anyone asks if you are registered, you can say, "No, we aren't registered anywhere, but we are saving up for some home renovations". People will get the hint. We had a gift registry and got 90% cash gifts still.

Great idea regarding favours! If you do them, something edible is best, but they are absolutely not required. Ditto on what PP's said regarding charities. Love the upgraded beer options (or other cocktails).