Should I forgo the +1 for work friends?

justsuzie

I am planning on having a table at my reception for all my work friends.  We are all teachers and regularly do happy hour together.  We also hang out one night a month for a late night dinner, dancing,  and drinks.  Our significant others rarely partake.  Do you think anyone would be offended if their significant others were not invited?  Our ages range from 23-45.  I haven't sent out invites yet.  Thanks.

AddieCake

Knottie1427322490 said:

I am planning on having a table at my reception for all my work friends.  We are all teachers and regularly do happy hour together.  We also hang out one night a month for a late night dinner, dancing,  and drinks.  Our significant others rarely partake.  Do you think anyone would be offended if their significant others were not invited?  Our ages range from 23-45.  I haven't sent out invites yet.  Thanks.

You need to invite all SOs. SOs are not +1s. There is a difference, and you should not invite anyone w/o their SOs.

arrrghmatey

You must invite a guest's significant other, regardless if you've spent much time with them. I would be offended if a co-worker expected me to celebrate their relationship while snubbing my own,

justsie

Knottie1427322490 said:

I am planning on having a table at my reception for all my work friends.  We are all teachers and regularly do happy hour together.  We also hang out one night a month for a late night dinner, dancing,  and drinks.  Our significant others rarely partake.  Do you think anyone would be offended if their significant others were not invited?  Our ages range from 23-45.  I haven't sent out invites yet.  Thanks.

Significant others are not plus ones. Plus ones are for truly single people to give them the option of taking someone. It would be rude of you to not invite your work friends with their partners, it would be like asking them to come a celebrate your love without acknowledging theirs. Don't be rude to your friends and invite their SOs. 

jacques27

Knottie1427322490 said:

I am planning on having a table at my reception for all my work friends.  We are all teachers and regularly do happy hour together.  We also hang out one night a month for a late night dinner, dancing,  and drinks.  Our significant others rarely partake.  Do you think anyone would be offended if their significant others were not invited?  Our ages range from 23-45.  I haven't sent out invites yet.  Thanks.

Yes, they will probably be offended.  If they are close enough that you socialize outside of work and you would invite them to your wedding, then they are close enough to be treated just like all your other guests/friends/family.  It doesn't matter if they all know each other and can latch on to each other instead of an SO.  +1's are for truly single guests.  All SO's must be invited.  I know I would never dream of not inviting the SO's of my friends from work, even if I've never really hung out with them (and most of them I have not) and would be hurt if they invited me without mine.  A more formal social event is a different ballgame than happy hour.

justsuzie

I wouldn't not invite the SO to be rude.  I would like to invite more friends from work and can do this by not inviting SOs.  I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance.  I don't want anyone to feel insulted.  By the by my reception is very informal.  I appreciate your honest answers.  

justsie

Knottie1427322490 said:

I wouldn't not invite the SO to be rude.  I would like to invite more friends from work and can do this by not inviting SOs.  I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance.  I appreciate your honest answers.  

I recently declined a wedding invitation because they chose not to invite my SO. I also started to question my friendship with that couple- if they really cared about me why didn't they acknowledge and invite my FI? If you are okay potentially damaging these friendships, then go for it and throw out etiquette.

GeekyBride87

I'm not sure I understand. If you don't care about their feelings, "appearance", or etiquette, then why are you even asking this at all? You've made up your mind and want someone to tell you that this is fine. It isn't and no one on these boards is going to tell you that it is.

justsuzie

...I think you're right in not understanding.  I said, "I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance."  Meaning, I am not worried about what others would think about my wedding choices, specifically the decision to not invite SOs.  I also do not care how it looks to other people.  Finally, I also don't really care much for antiquated etiquette.  I do however care about feelings.  That is why I posed this question to the forum.  I was curious whether the readers would feel insulted, which would help inform me of whether or not I should invite SOs.    Thanks again for the input though.  

500days

I'm a teacher and do happy hour with my work friends on most Fridays during the school year. We've done paint night together and have had get togethers at each others' homes. Rarely do spouses or significant others join along. BUT I invited my coworkers with SOs because it's a formal event that I am hosting. It's not a get together or happy hour- you just need to host properly and inviting SOs is part of that. I know my coworkers really appreciated it and I will not risk any hurt feelings at the end of the day. Even if your coworker is your friend and says they don't mind (because they are just being polite to not hurt your feelings) it may very well hurt their SO's feelings. It's easier to not risk being rude and hurting feelings by inviting SOs. It's just what you do.

GeekyBride87

Etiquette on this subject is there to avoid hurt feelings. Respecting someone else's marriage or long term relationship is not antiquated. The plain and simple fact of the matter is that not inviting SOs is rude and insulting. I mean, do what you want. People are free to decline... But to answer your question... Yes, the general consensus will be that it would cause hurt feelings. A quick trip around these message boards would tell you that with unwavering certainty. The rule of thumb is that couples are always invited together if they are married, engaged, living together, or otherwise an established couple in another sense. You don't have to give them all plus ones for casual dates, but you really should consider that the majority of people will consider you rude for not inviting SOs. I go out with my girlfriends all the time without my fiance, but I don't go to weddings without him. There's a difference. A wedding is not a girl's night out. I also don't throw parties or BBQs at my house and then ask my friends not to bring their SOs. Couples are a package deal.

levioosa

Knottie1427322490 said:

...I think you're right in not understanding.  I said, "I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance."  Meaning, I am not worried about what others would think about my wedding choices, specifically the decision to not invite SOs.  I also do not care how it looks to other people.  Finally, I also don't really care much for antiquated etiquette.  I do however care about feelings.  That is why I posed this question to the forum.  I was curious whether the readers would feel insulted, which would help inform me of whether or not I should invite SOs.    Thanks again for the input though.  

Etiquette IS about feelings.  It is about treating your guests properly, not adhering to tradition.  It is not only proper etiquette to invite your friend's SOs, but they will be insulted, and rightfully so.  It is inappropriate to ask someone to come and celebrate your love while expecting them to forget their own.  My SO was not invited to the last wedding I was in, "because of space." The relationship never recovered.  

You want to have a Star Trek themed wedding?  Cool.  You want to make unity cocktails instead of burning a unity candle? Awesome.  You don't want to do a bouquet toss or have a bridal party?  Go ahead.  You don't want favors or a shower?  Those aren't required.  But you absolutely have to treat your guests properly.  You also seem like you might be confused about what that means.  So I'll lay it all out for you.

Everyone's SO (if they are over 18) gets invited, regardless of length of time they are together.  Two days or 20 years?  They get an invite.  They are not a "plus one" and they are invited by name.  

You don't B-list.  It tells someone they weren't good enough to make it onto your first invite round.  How shitty.

Your bridal party is not required to do anything other than show up, sober, in the attire, and in good spirits on the day of the wedding.  They are guests of honor.  

There is a seat for every butt for the ceremony and reception.  You can't assume you know the health condition of every guest, or that "20 minutes is totally not that much time."  

Everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception.  Your reception is a thank you.  If people take their time to see you get married, you need to thank them properly.  

Don't "require" attire from your guests.  They can dress themselves and are fully capable of dressing appropriately.  

Don't have a gap. People are taking time to attend your wedding.  They don't need a break "to freshen up."  What am I supposed to do during a gap?  I can't go home.  I don't want to go anywhere else, and it's a pain to go somewhere and come back to the reception.  

Don't have a cash bar--the reception is a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony. I am upset if you ask me to take time out of my day to drive to your wedding, attend, bring you a gift, and possibly celebrate pre-wedding events, but then you have me pay for my own thank you?  That's some BS right there.  

Those are some of the biggies.  Notice how they all affect your guests' comfort and feelings?  THAT is etiquette.  

jacques27

Knottie1427322490 said:

...I think you're right in not understanding.  I said, "I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance."  Meaning, I am not worried about what others would think about my wedding choices, specifically the decision to not invite SOs.  I also do not care how it looks to other people.  Finally, I also don't really care much for antiquated etiquette.  I do however care about feelings.  That is why I posed this question to the forum.  I was curious whether the readers would feel insulted, which would help inform me of whether or not I should invite SOs.    Thanks again for the input though.  

You realize that etiquette is a code of behavior designed for being polite, right?  And that polite is another way of saying being respectful and considerate of people, showing proper manners to them.  I don't know what shows consideration for people's feelings MORE than etiquette.  Etiquette is about treating people well - it's not just this major buzzkill to keep you from doing things the way you want to do them.  Nor is etiquette antiquated, because being considerate and respectful of people is never out of style. 

Do you really think that the etiquette standard of inviting peoples SO's is just because stodgy people decreed it be so and lemmings that we all are just followed blindly until you were bold enough to come forth and say "Be damned you all with your antiquated ways"???  No.  It became the standard because we as a society said doing this is the considerate thing to do and not doing it would be inconsiderate and make people feel badly.

GeekyBride87

Check out the post, "Whom do I have to invite to my wedding: a guide" in the etiquette forum. I know you said you don't care about etiquette, but it explains why you really should.

lyndausvi

I think someone doesn't understand the definition of etiquette.  

frenchiekin

Knottie1427322490 said:

...I think you're right in not understanding.  I said, "I am not worried about etiquette, traditions, or appearance."  Meaning, I am not worried about what others would think about my wedding choices, specifically the decision to not invite SOs.  I also do not care how it looks to other people.  Finally, I also don't really care much for antiquated etiquette.  I do however care about feelings.  That is why I posed this question to the forum.  I was curious whether the readers would feel insulted, which would help inform me of whether or not I should invite SOs.    Thanks again for the input though.  

To the bolded:  these are the same thing.  Etiquette = feelings.  The reason etiquette exists, particularly in this situation, is so that feelings don't get hurt.  I know "etiquette" sounds like a lot of stuffy, pinkies-raised old lady stuff, but it isn't.  By saying you care about feelings, you actually do care about etiquette (at least in this circumstance).  I think you just might be confused on the definition.  

You said that being rude is not your reason for not inviting SOs, the reason is so you can invite more coworkers.  It's great that you're not trying to be purposefully rude to your friends, but it doesn't negate the fact that this is inherently rude.  Being able to invite more coworkers by not inviting SOs only really benefits you/your party.

justsuzie

I didn't come here to argue about the etymology of the word etiquette. I interpret the meaning of etiquette as how mainstream society believes someone should behave politely.  I am not mainstream, nor are my guests.  I am however a very sincere person that does care about my friend's feelings.  So thank you for responding to my initial question about whether you think anyone would be offended.  That's all I really care about.  But thank's for your insight!

levioosa

Knottie1427322490 said:

I didn't come here to argue about the etymology of the word etiquette. I interpret the meaning of etiquette as how mainstream society believes someone should behave politely.  I am not mainstream, nor are my guests.  I am however a very sincere person that does care about my friend's feelings.  So thank you for responding to my initial question about whether you think anyone would be offended.  That's all I really care about.  But thank's for your insight!

Seriously?  We tell you etiquette is about treating your guests properly, not tradition.  You come back with, "Lol, I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!!!"  We tell you that is exactly what etiquette is about and you still have a problem with it?  You do realize that makes zero sense, right?

And P.S., many of us here are the exact opposite of "mainstream."  We still care about treating our guests properly, because treating the people you care about well matters.  

justsuzie

So, because you tell me what etiquette is, I should go along with it?  Lol.

GeekyBride87

You can very well do and believe whatever you want. But don't come here for advice and then get uppity when you got the answer to your question just because it wasn't validating your rudeness. Yes... Etiquette is there to be polite. The opposite of polite is rude. What you want to do is rude. That's your answer.

Mainstream or not... Inconsiderate is inconsiderate. I'm as hipster as it gets and very far from mainstream... But I would never use that as an excuse to treat my guests poorly.

banana468

It's not cool or a new hip thing top be rude. And of all places where I would follow etiquette it would be with my coworkers. By involving them in your wedding you've mixed business with pleasure. And if they're offended by your social rudeness, that can also mean a poor working relationship as a result of your bad choices. Is that worth it?

beachyone15

I'm going to make this as simple as possible. If you don't want hurt feelings, invite all SOs.

peachy13

My FSIL just got invited to a co-worker's wedding and her husband was not invited. She has been snarking to pretty everyone at home about this, and said that everyone at work is snarking behind the bride's back since no one's significant others were invited. It's rude, and has nothing to do with you and your guests not being "mainstream."

mikenberger

How thick does one have to be to think that it would ever be okay to invite someone to an event and not their significant other?

Just curious. 

LondonLisa

Fine, if you don't want to listen to common etiquette, I'll give you a story that I have posted on here before:

A young guy (aged about 23) I work with invited me to his wedding. I was flattered, I wasn't expecting an invite at all. But as he hands me the invitation he says "we aren't doing plus ones or anything". In my head I just thought: my future husband is not a plus one! You certainly have gaul to ask me to come celebrate your relationship and buy you a gift whilst not having the decency to respect mine. 

I, of course, didn't say any of this to him, and politely declined, but it made me think about the judgement of this person. I am not saying I would fire him over this, but I work in an industry where we regularly have to entertain donors who are VERY high net worth individuals as well as polilticians, world leaders etc. He ended up applying for a job where he would be coordinating these donors and potential donors.  I was on the interview panel. After he was interviewed, my superior turned to me and said: "I don't want to sound petty, but 'Charles' invited me to his wedding and made it clear my wife was not invited. I don't think we could put someone in this role who is lacking tact and basic manners. Is he going to tell a donor that she can't bring her partner because it isn't technically in the budget? I just cant trust his judgement". He hit the nail on the head of exactly what I was thinking.

Rude behaviour to your coworkers gets remembered and can affect your career! Offbeat or untraditional means you get married in dungarees or walk down the aisle to Metallica. The difference is, that doesn't affect your guests at all. What does affect them is not inviting their SO or not having a chair for them to sit in (see the difference?).  Offbeat  doesn't give you license to be rude. 

I would 100% rather not be invited than invited without my SO. It is just insulting. 

Happy hours=/= wedding!

Maggie0829

Invite the SOs.  Then let the couple invited decide if the SO will attend or not.

This really isn't that hard.  If you don't want to hurt people's feelings then invite the SOs.  Your wedding is different then a night out at the bar.  It is a hosted affair with formal invitations (meaning mailed invitation, not a random text 2 hours before you go out).  Thus you need to treat it differently then if your co-workers all get together to grab a bite at P.F. Changs.

Your wedding may be off beat but being rude and inconsiderate is not off beat.

banana468

LondonLisa said:

Fine, if you don't want to listen to common etiquette, I'll give you a story that I have posted on here before:

A young guy (aged about 23) I work with invited me to his wedding. I was flattered, I wasn't expecting an invite at all. But as he hands me the invitation he says "we aren't doing plus ones or anything". In my head I just thought: my future husband is not a plus one! You certainly have gaul to ask me to come celebrate your relationship and buy you a gift whilst not having the decency to respect mine. 

I, of course, didn't say any of this to him, and politely declined, but it made me think about the judgement of this person. I am not saying I would fire him over this, but I work in an industry where we regularly have to entertain donors who are VERY high net worth individuals as well as polilticians, world leaders etc. He ended up applying for a job where he would be coordinating these donors and potential donors.  I was on the interview panel. After he was interviewed, my superior turned to me and said: "I don't want to sound petty, but 'Charles' invited me to his wedding and made it clear my wife was not invited. I don't think we could put someone in this role who is lacking tact and basic manners. Is he going to tell a donor that she can't bring her partner because it isn't technically in the budget? I just cant trust his judgement". He hit the nail on the head of exactly what I was thinking.

Rude behaviour to your coworkers gets remembered and can affect your career! Offbeat or untraditional means you get married in dungarees or walk down the aisle to Metallica. The difference is, that doesn't affect your guests at all. What does affect them is not inviting their SO or not having a chair for them to sit in (see the difference?).  Offbeat  doesn't give you license to be rude. 

I would 100% rather not be invited than invited without my SO. It is just insulting. 

Happy hours=/= wedding!

That's exactly my point.   When you do this to your coworkers, you're now possibly jeopardizing your career futures because you're "not conventional" and "don't believe in etiquette" (which is silly.   Because it DOES exist and not following it only makes you look like a buffoon.)   

So instead of just not inviting coworkers all together (which is understandable.   DH and I chose not to invite ours to keep #s down, you would rather irritate all of them?   And the day that you're looking to advance your career (grade change, become a principal, move schools, etc.) is the day that your poor social choices can be what ultimately backfire on your business and employment - and all because you decided that the rules didn't apply to you?   

Yeah, I'm not going to want to work with / hire / advance the career of someone who thinks that social decorum is beneath her.    

sparklepants41

Maybe I just need more coffee, but I'm confused as to why this was posted in Snarky Brides...

GeekyBride87

We had to cut some extended family (that we don't really know anyway) to make room for my co-workers and their SOs. I'm a manager at a local coffee shop and my employer is the owner. Her parents own the "parent" company and throw the Christmas party and allow us to invite SOs, so I invited them. Then our landlord is her FIL. So we invited my boss's in-laws. I invited all the employees that I'm close with and have been with us for longer than a year and I invited their SOs. Luckily I don't get out much and my co-workers are my friends... Lol. But it sounds like you are in the same boat where your co-workers are not just co-workers, they are your friends. If you really want them there, invite the SOs.

arrrghmatey

LondonLisa said:

Fine, if you don't want to listen to common etiquette, I'll give you a story that I have posted on here before:

A young guy (aged about 23) I work with invited me to his wedding. I was flattered, I wasn't expecting an invite at all. But as he hands me the invitation he says "we aren't doing plus ones or anything". In my head I just thought: my future husband is not a plus one! You certainly have gaul to ask me to come celebrate your relationship and buy you a gift whilst not having the decency to respect mine. 

I, of course, didn't say any of this to him, and politely declined, but it made me think about the judgement of this person. I am not saying I would fire him over this, but I work in an industry where we regularly have to entertain donors who are VERY high net worth individuals as well as polilticians, world leaders etc. He ended up applying for a job where he would be coordinating these donors and potential donors.  I was on the interview panel. After he was interviewed, my superior turned to me and said: "I don't want to sound petty, but 'Charles' invited me to his wedding and made it clear my wife was not invited. I don't think we could put someone in this role who is lacking tact and basic manners. Is he going to tell a donor that she can't bring her partner because it isn't technically in the budget? I just cant trust his judgement". He hit the nail on the head of exactly what I was thinking.

Rude behaviour to your coworkers gets remembered and can affect your career! Offbeat or untraditional means you get married in dungarees or walk down the aisle to Metallica. The difference is, that doesn't affect your guests at all. What does affect them is not inviting their SO or not having a chair for them to sit in (see the difference?).  Offbeat  doesn't give you license to be rude. 

I would 100% rather not be invited than invited without my SO. It is just insulting. 

Happy hours=/= wedding!

I'm walking down the aisle to Guns 'N Roses and still invited everyone's SOs (even the FI's cousins and adult children of family friends who have SOs whom we've never met). It's what you do.

Now I sound like a Geico commercial.

AddieCake

Yeah, it makes no fucking sense for you to say you don't care about etiquette and that you just don't want to hurt feelings. Following etiquette precludes you from hurting feelings. And even if you can't grasp that, why even mention that? Why not just say, "Oh, ok, thanks" instead of making some pointless statement about not caring about etiquette?