Pre-wedding Parties

I'm getting conflicting reports on who planned my shower & don't know who to thank

primafaba15primafaba15
100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
member
edited July 2015 in Pre-wedding Parties
I'm in the process of finishing up thank-yous for my bridal shower. In addition to the notes for all of the gifts, attendees, etc., I know I should be writing an extra-special thank you to the hostess(es). My understanding is that it's also appropriate to present them with a small gift. My problem is that I'm getting conflicting reports on who hosted. 

To all appearances, it was my FSIL / BM who hosted. She approached me about the shower and awesomely navigated an awkward situation wherein my mom had vetoed pre-wedding parties at all as disrespectful to my out-of-state MOH/sister.  However, when the topic inevitably came up with my mom afterwards, she made a point of telling me that MOH had approved everything and contributed financially (or was going to be sending a check soon).  The issue is that outside of this conversation I've gotten every indication that FSIL spent months trying to get my sister to answer calls, texts and emails just to get verbal input, an answer on whether they might come up to surprise me, etc. -- all to almost no avail. She felt that my sister deliberately dragged her feet on it. There is nothing about this information that would surprise me, but it feels rude to ask directly for confirmation. She had similar problems contacting the other BM. 

I should clarify that I'm not upset if MOH and other BM did not participate in the shower -- they had no obligation to do so!  I suppose it's not even a really big deal to write a nice note thanking them for stuff they didn't actually do.  But part of me feels icky about doing that when FSIL clearly put *so much* effort (and probably quite a bit of $$$) into this. And then of course, there's the question of whether it's appropriate to get a gift for all 3 of them.  Am I way overthinking this? Is it appropriate for me to just go along as if all 3 hosted equally? 

ETA in an attempt to be more concise

Re: I'm getting conflicting reports on who planned my shower & don't know who to thank

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    I'd write all 3 nice notes and give all 3 appropriate hosting gifts, but you could take your FSIL for a nice dinner or something like that.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Ditto Jen. Thank all 3 and give a small hostess gift to all 3.

    The easiest way to tell who hosted is to look at the invite. Who is listed as the hosts? Who took the rsvp?
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • primafaba15primafaba15
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member
    edited July 2015
    FSIL is listed as the host and handled the RSVPs. I'm pretty sure she made most of the arrangements. It sounds like, if anything, the other 2 pitched in financially and occasionally approved things FSIL had already come up with. My mother felt this had equal weight, I'm not sure I do, but I think that's rooted in my bias and crankiness more than anything else :) 

    But it sounds like I need to thank them all regardless. The nice notes have already gone out because it was taking too long to figure everything out, but I still need to worry about gifts. What would be an appropriate gift? I don't have a huge budget, and didn't factor in hostess gifts because I wasn't expecting a shower and didn't even know about this gift practice until after the shower had actually happened. 
  • FSIL is listed as the host and handled the RSVPs. I'm pretty sure she made most of the arrangements. It sounds like, if anything, the other 2 pitched in financially and occasionally approved things FSIL had already come up with. My mother felt this had equal weight, I'm not sure I do, but I think that's rooted in my bias and crankiness more than anything else :) 

    But it sounds like I need to thank them all regardless. The nice notes have already gone out because it was taking too long to figure everything out, but I still need to worry about gifts. What would be an appropriate gift? I don't have a huge budget, and didn't factor in hostess gifts because I wasn't expecting a shower and didn't even know about this gift practice until after the shower had actually happened. 
    Gift ideas... Starbucks giftcard, bottle of wine, scented candle, that $9 spatula she used at your house that one time and couldn't stop complimenting.  You don't need to go overboard.  Just something to show your appreciation.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    You should stop trying to figure out who did what for your shower. The hosts name was on the invitation and the 2 other bms contributed some kind of help in the planning. 

    Hostess gifts don't have to be expensive or proportionate to each bms contribution. For less than $20, you could give them hand towels, candles, wine, hand lotion, coffee/tea, gift card, a small plant etc....Invite your FSIL out for lunch to let her know you appreciate her going the extra mile to make sure you had a lovely shower. 
                
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