Pre-wedding Parties

What's the right thing to do here?

So I'm in a wedding that is being planned fairly quickly. I'm OOT from the bride and all the other BMs and family. I got married in May and prior to my friend setting a date and asking me to be in the wedding, had a honeymoon, trip with H's family, a work trip, and a big work project due; along with two other family weddings (OOT for me), all planned.

I offered to throw a shower for the bride (I'm one of the MOHs) on a weekend I would be in town. She declined because she thought it was too close to the wedding. I told bride that with everything that was already planned I probably wouldn't make it back another time but would be happy to help plan and do anything from far away. She was hurt I couldn't make it back. Her sister and mother began planning a shower. Another BM and I reached out to sister to see if/what they needed help with. BM was told she could do the invitations and we were both asked to contribute $100 to food. But that they had everything else covered and didn't need much help.

So my question is; I was planning to contribute anyway, but I feel kind of insulted/bad that I'm being asked for money, but told they don't want/need any help or input. What would you Knotties do or say to the request for cash?

Re: What's the right thing to do here?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    I don't blame you for being irritated at being asked for money.  If you aren't actively involved in the planning of the even then you shouldn't be asked to give any money towards it.

    I would tell them that you would be happy to help with anything you can do from afar (maybe purchase/make decorations or make some favors and send them their way), but that you cannot give them cash.

    It was rude of them to request this of you and I would not give in and send them the money.

    [Deleted User]MyNameIsNot
  • So I'm in a wedding that is being planned fairly quickly. I'm OOT from the bride and all the other BMs and family. I got married in May and prior to my friend setting a date and asking me to be in the wedding, had a honeymoon, trip with H's family, a work trip, and a big work project due; along with two other family weddings (OOT for me), all planned.

    I offered to throw a shower for the bride (I'm one of the MOHs) on a weekend I would be in town. She declined because she thought it was too close to the wedding. I told bride that with everything that was already planned I probably wouldn't make it back another time but would be happy to help plan and do anything from far away. She was hurt I couldn't make it back. Her sister and mother began planning a shower. Another BM and I reached out to sister to see if/what they needed help with. BM was told she could do the invitations and we were both asked to contribute $100 to food. But that they had everything else covered and didn't need much help.

    So my question is; I was planning to contribute anyway, but I feel kind of insulted/bad that I'm being asked for money, but told they don't want/need any help or input. What would you Knotties do or say to the request for cash?
    I might ask them what they were planning on spending your money on.  If it was for favors, maybe you can offer to place an order through somewhere like Oriental Trading Company and ship it to one of the other hosts.  If it was for other decorations, maybe you can offer to have flower arrangements delivered to the shower venue the morning of the shower.  I would insist that I get to be actively involved and not just turn over money.
  • Whether or not I'd just give money would depend on how well I knew the people.  Ex: if SIL said that she was throwing a party I'd give her $ no questions asked.   If I didn't know the hostess, I'd probably say I'm not comfortable giving money but I would send the invitations.


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    This is me, but I wouldn't like being expected to contribute money without at least having some input into how it's spent. If the other bridesmaids aren't willing to give you at least that much involvement, I'd decline to contribute financially.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
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    I'm going to disagree with pps because you did ask what the party planners needed. I'd tell her that I'm sending the $100, if I could afford to do so,  but I would like to be involved with planning the menu. They should list you as hosts on the invitations. 
                
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    I'm going to disagree with pps because you did ask what the party planners needed. I'd tell her that I'm sending the $100, if I could afford to do so,  but I would like to be involved with planning the menu. They should list you as hosts on the invitations. 
    Well, I disagree a little bit that just because the OP asked what the party planners needed and they told her they wanted her to contribute $100, she should just do so.  She should be allowed some say over what it gets spent on; otherwise they're treating her as a piggy bank.
  • She who pays gets a say. No say, no pay.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    If you were both asked to contribute 100 each, then I would assume the other 2 hosts are also contributing at least 100 each - which begs the question, how big or extravagant is this 400+ bridal shower.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I'm going to disagree with pps because you did ask what the party planners needed. I'd tell her that I'm sending the $100, if I could afford to do so,  but I would like to be involved with planning the menu. They should list you as hosts on the invitations. 
    I'm inclined to agree with MairePoppy on this one.  You asked, they answered.  To what extent were you really hoping to be involved in a party that appears to be planned very quickly that you're not even attending?  Pick out favors or decorations that they'd just have to run out and pick up anyway or wait for in the mail?  Run back and forth with you on the menu to see if you approve of the food you're not eating anyway?  Sometimes the best and easiest answer for the logistics involved is cold hard cash - involvement from afar can be too complicated and not the kind of help they actually need.  You certainly have a right to know how your money is being spent and you don't have to contribute if you don't want to though.

    And things don't have to be the same for them to be fair.  One could easily argue that even if the party planners were only only contributing $50 themselves, the fair market value of their time coordinating, ordering and shopping for things, cleaning one of their homes if they are going to have the party at their own home, set-up and clean-up is worth the equivalent amount.
    JerseyBeachGal22lc07
  • Thanks everyone, while I'll likely contribute so as to not make things more difficult for the bride, I am feeling a bit like at ATM here. I understand some PPs comments about how much involvement can I really expect to have being OTT, but it would be nice to at least know where my money is going. The other BM and I have asked whether there will be games, prizes, favors, etc., and kept being told that they (the mother and other MOH) had it covered. We're all asked to also bring beverages, some of which may be used as prizes, and the leftovers will be available to the guests.

    For what is worth this is a stag and doe party where "cash is greatly appreciated" also appears along with registry info. (insisted on by the bride after MANY objections from the bridal party).
  • Thanks everyone, while I'll likely contribute so as to not make things more difficult for the bride, I am feeling a bit like at ATM here. I understand some PPs comments about how much involvement can I really expect to have being OTT, but it would be nice to at least know where my money is going. The other BM and I have asked whether there will be games, prizes, favors, etc., and kept being told that they (the mother and other MOH) had it covered. We're all asked to also bring beverages, some of which may be used as prizes, and the leftovers will be available to the guests.

    For what is worth this is a stag and doe party where "cash is greatly appreciated" also appears along with registry info. (insisted on by the bride after MANY objections from the bridal party).

    I mean, it's your money. If the BM and mom keep saying "we have it covered", then I'd be like "OK, see y'all in September" (or whenever).

    I think it's rude that they asked you for cash without letting you be involved in anything. And if you feel more like an ATM than a co-host, you shouldn't just fork it over (unless you already said you would). You should be clear you're not comfortable giving cash, but that you're happy to help make favors, print invitations, or whatever else you're actually willing to do.
    *********************************************************************************

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    Maggie0829
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    Thanks everyone, while I'll likely contribute so as to not make things more difficult for the bride, I am feeling a bit like at ATM here. I understand some PPs comments about how much involvement can I really expect to have being OTT, but it would be nice to at least know where my money is going. The other BM and I have asked whether there will be games, prizes, favors, etc., and kept being told that they (the mother and other MOH) had it covered. We're all asked to also bring beverages, some of which may be used as prizes, and the leftovers will be available to the guests.

    For what is worth this is a stag and doe party where "cash is greatly appreciated" also appears along with registry info. (insisted on by the bride after MANY objections from the bridal party).
    Oh god.  I wouldn't contribute to this shit.  I also would be super happy that I could not attend.

    speakeasy14lc07
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    Yep, the fact that it's a Stag and Doe (fundraiser) changes my answer. I wouldn't get involved with this at all, even as a silent partner.
                
    speakeasy14JerseyBeachGal22
  • Yeah, I'd actually back out if that was the case.   I understand that those parties can be common and I've seen them.   That doesn't mean I like them. 
  • Ditto PPs - I was also going to say that if you can afford the $100 and want to contribute it, I would because I'd want to do that for the bride... but now that I know this is a Stag & Doe, I wouldn't want my name on that invitation as a host.  




    [Deleted User]speakeasy14
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    edited July 2015
    If this is a Stag & Doe I'd definitely keep my distance. I would not want to be associated with it in any way. So I'd just decline the invitation to the shower.
    [Deleted User]
  • Hey Everyone,
    Thanks for all the advice, I've got an update. Before I could respond to the request the invitations were sent out, with my name on them (which I didn't know until I got mine), and the bride emailed everyone reminding them to send the money *before* the shower to her mother. So basically her mother offered to throw this whole thing, listed us all as hosts and then told us how much we were to contribute, and not given us any information on how the money is being spent.

    So I emailed the mother and said, while I'm happy to contribute, I wish I was asked for my budget because at this time all I can contribute is $X. Also, since I won't be attending I will not be able to bring a bottle of wine and six pack of beer as requested.

    Haven't heard anything back.
    MobKazJediElizabeth
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Hey Everyone,
    Thanks for all the advice, I've got an update. Before I could respond to the request the invitations were sent out, with my name on them (which I didn't know until I got mine), and the bride emailed everyone reminding them to send the money *before* the shower to her mother. So basically her mother offered to throw this whole thing, listed us all as hosts and then told us how much we were to contribute, and not given us any information on how the money is being spent.

    So I emailed the mother and said, while I'm happy to contribute, I wish I was asked for my budget because at this time all I can contribute is $X. Also, since I won't be attending I will not be able to bring a bottle of wine and six pack of beer as requested.

    Haven't heard anything back.
    Oh geeze.  How forward of the bride's mother!

  • edited July 2015
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