Vietnamese traditions in American wedding?

lildropofsunshine

My FI is Vietnamese, and although we will most likely have a Vietnamese wedding in Vietnam, I want to honor his family and cultural traditions somehow in our American church wedding. I don't think he cares a ton, but I know his mom would definitely appreciate it. We will be having a tea ceremony, but I'd like to do more.

FI said something about traditionally brides having 3 dresses and one is red, and I think that would be a nice thing to do. Can someone explain all this to me? Also, is there anything else I should try to include?

Thanks!

[Deleted User]

lildropofsunshine said:

My FI is Vietnamese, and although we will most likely have a Vietnamese wedding in Vietnam, I want to honor his family and cultural traditions somehow in our American church wedding. I don't think he cares a ton, but I know his mom would definitely appreciate it. We will be having a tea ceremony, but I'd like to do more.

FI said something about traditionally brides having 3 dresses and one is red, and I think that would be a nice thing to do. Can someone explain all this to me? Also, is there anything else I should try to include?

Thanks!

Ask his mom what means the most to her, and do that.  I mean, if she doesn't care about the dress thing, no need to go buy three dresses.  Find out what one thing she really likes about weddings in her culture and see if you're okay doing that one thing.

TrixieJess

lildropofsunshine said:

My FI is Vietnamese, and although we will most likely have a Vietnamese wedding in Vietnam, I want to honor his family and cultural traditions somehow in our American church wedding. I don't think he cares a ton, but I know his mom would definitely appreciate it. We will be having a tea ceremony, but I'd like to do more.

FI said something about traditionally brides having 3 dresses and one is red, and I think that would be a nice thing to do. Can someone explain all this to me? Also, is there anything else I should try to include?

Thanks!

In Asian cultures all wedding dresses are usually red; red is deeply symbolic with luck and it's considered good luck to wear red on your wedding day. White is often the colour of mourning.

lildropofsunshine

I know a traditional Western gown is generally worn by Vietnamese brides. I think I'm mostly confused on the second dress. But I definitely want to honor his family and have a red dress, if not all 3 of the proper dresses.

BlueBirdMB

I went to a Vietnamese American wedding.  They had a western, double ring ceremony.  During cocktail hour they changed into traditional outfits and had a tea ceremony at the start of the reception.  It was lovely. 

CMGragain

I would urge you to be very careful about planning a wedding to include a different culture.  It is very easy to make a mistake and embarrass people. 
Can you talk to your FMIL and ask her to help you with traditions?

lildropofsunshine

FMIL speaks very little English -- certainly not enough to explain traditions to me. But I will talk to FI's aunt who can be the liaison between us.

thespeshulestsnowflake

lildropofsunshine said:

FMIL speaks very little English -- certainly not enough to explain traditions to me. But I will talk to FI's aunt who can be the liaison between us.

Um, why can't your FI help with this? I would expect your FI to know the traditions and to translate their mother.

Jen4948

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

lildropofsunshine said:

FMIL speaks very little English -- certainly not enough to explain traditions to me. But I will talk to FI's aunt who can be the liaison between us.

Um, why can't your FI help with this? I would expect your FI to know the traditions and to translate their mother.

Because the OP says he "doesn't care a ton."  I interpret that to mean that he probably can't be relied on to be helpful with this.

lildropofsunshine

Jen4948 said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

lildropofsunshine said:

FMIL speaks very little English -- certainly not enough to explain traditions to me. But I will talk to FI's aunt who can be the liaison between us.

Um, why can't your FI help with this? I would expect your FI to know the traditions and to translate their mother.

Because the OP says he "doesn't care a ton."  I interpret that to mean that he probably can't be relied on to be helpful with this.

Pretty much. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

lildropofsunshine said:

Jen4948 said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

lildropofsunshine said:

FMIL speaks very little English -- certainly not enough to explain traditions to me. But I will talk to FI's aunt who can be the liaison between us.

Um, why can't your FI help with this? I would expect your FI to know the traditions and to translate their mother.

Because the OP says he "doesn't care a ton."  I interpret that to mean that he probably can't be relied on to be helpful with this.

Pretty much. 

The part I don't get is why can't he sit and translate what is important to her, if including these traditions is so important. It is his wedding too. Sitting there asking "what would you like to include?" and making a list isn't really that time consuming. Again it is his mother.

lildropofsunshine

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

MyNameIsNot

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

thespeshulestsnowflake

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

This. I don't understand why you are so insistant on this if your FI isn't that close to his mother.

[Deleted User]

I think it's very sweet that you want to honor your in-laws by including some of their traditions into your wedding. It shows that you respect their heritage and customs. Hopefully his aunt will be able to help with the language issue. This will be a great way for you to include her in the wedding planning./

lildropofsunshine

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

This. I don't understand why you are so insistant on this if your FI isn't that close to his mother.

Because I want to show respect towards my in-laws and their culture and customs, especially since they aren't all that thrilled that I'm not Asian (they're pretty old school about the whole marrying outside of your race thing).

justsie

lildropofsunshine said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

This. I don't understand why you are so insistant on this if your FI isn't that close to his mother.

Because I want to show respect towards my in-laws and their culture and customs, especially since they aren't all that thrilled that I'm not Asian (they're pretty old school about the whole marrying outside of your race thing).

How are they going to feel about you trying to appropriate their customs thought? I know many people that would be incredibly offended if someone just invited themselves into traditions that are not a part of their culture. I'd leave this in FI's hands honestly. 

MyNameIsNot

lildropofsunshine said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

This. I don't understand why you are so insistant on this if your FI isn't that close to his mother.

Because I want to show respect towards my in-laws and their culture and customs, especially since they aren't all that thrilled that I'm not Asian (they're pretty old school about the whole marrying outside of your race thing).

Ok, but don't you think it would be much more respectful to actually ask the FMIL what traditions are important to her?

My ILs are also from another culture. My MIL would have been incredibly insulted if I'd tried to pander to her by picking cultural traditions without bothering to actually figure out what would be meaningful to her. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

He could, but he has no interest in it, and he's not all that close with his mom -- he's closer to his aunt, and with her, I don't need translation.

So you want to include Vietnamese traditions to please your FMIL, but your FI isn't even close enough to her to ask her what traditions she cares about? 

This. I don't understand why you are so insistant on this if your FI isn't that close to his mother.

Because I want to show respect towards my in-laws and their culture and customs, especially since they aren't all that thrilled that I'm not Asian (they're pretty old school about the whole marrying outside of your race thing).

Ok, but don't you think it would be much more respectful to actually ask the FMIL what traditions are important to her?

My ILs are also from another culture. My MIL would have been incredibly insulted if I'd tried to pander to her by picking cultural traditions without bothering to actually figure out what would be meaningful to her. 

Yes!  What if the one thing you decide to do is the one thing that she has always found completely pointless and stupid in Vietnamese weddings and was one of the few things she was happy to see changed since her son was marrying a white girl.  Then you go and do that one thing!  

kimmiinthemitten

I'd sit down with the Aunt and FMIL.  Let the Aunt facilitate the conversation, and this way your FMIL may see that despite not be being Asian you care about her culture, beliefs and traditions.  It sounds like she's not shy about not approving of your race, so if she feels like you're trying to hijack her culture, she'll let you know.  

lildropofsunshine

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

[Deleted User]

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

justsie

adk19 said: lildropofsunshine said: I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included. What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation. I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

lildropofsunshine

justsie said:

adk19 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

I'm only asking if there are any traditions that she cares about and would want included. What in the world is wrong with that?

MyNameIsNot

lildropofsunshine said:

justsie said:

adk19 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

I'm only asking if there are any traditions that she cares about and would want included. What in the world is wrong with that?

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Because you won't ask her.

You are asking the aunt and guessing. If you really want to include these traditions for FMIL, ask FMIL. 

lildropofsunshine

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

justsie said:

adk19 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

I'm only asking if there are any traditions that she cares about and would want included. What in the world is wrong with that?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because you won't ask her.

You are asking the aunt and guessing. If you really want to include these traditions for FMIL, ask FMIL. 

I'm asking her, but using the aunt as a translator.

...still not seeing the problem with this.

justsie

lildropofsunshine said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

justsie said:

adk19 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

I'm only asking if there are any traditions that she cares about and would want included. What in the world is wrong with that?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because you won't ask her.

You are asking the aunt and guessing. If you really want to include these traditions for FMIL, ask FMIL. 

I'm asking her, but using the aunt as a translator.

...still not seeing the problem with this.

If you don't see a problem with appropriating cultures than go ask the FMIL which traditions she wants to include. 

lildropofsunshine

justsie said:

lildropofsunshine said:

MyNameIsNot said:

lildropofsunshine said:

justsie said:

adk19 said:

lildropofsunshine said:

I'm not inviting myself. I'm asking what she would like to be included.

What?  It usually makes more sense when you quote the person you're responding to.  It helps with the flow of conversation.

I think she was responding to me, although I could be wrong. OP if your MIL or FI doesn't say "hey these are our traditions and we would like them included" then yes, you are inviting yourself into the traditions and could potentially be making it uncomfortable for you MIL. If they already aren't thrilled about their son marrying a non-asian they also might not be thrilled by that person requesting which Vietnamese traditions to include in their american wedding. 

I'm only asking if there are any traditions that she cares about and would want included. What in the world is wrong with that?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because you won't ask her.

You are asking the aunt and guessing. If you really want to include these traditions for FMIL, ask FMIL. 

I'm asking her, but using the aunt as a translator.

...still not seeing the problem with this.

If you don't see a problem with appropriating cultures than go ask the FMIL which traditions she wants to include. 

...I am asking her. I can't ask her without someone to translate though because her English is very limited.

justsie

lildropofsunshine said:

If you don't see a problem with appropriating cultures than go ask the FMIL which traditions she wants to include. 

...I am asking her. I can't ask her without someone to translate though because her English is very limited.

I never said you were not asking her. Nor did I say anything about needing a translator, so I'm not sure why you chose to quote me. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

I still don't get why you are doing this. Your FI does not care and is not close to his mother.

kimmiinthemitten

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

I still don't get why you are doing this. Your FI does not care and is not close to his mother.

u I took it as FI feels this way because his mother is not approving of his biracial marriage but who knows because OP hasn't shared many additional details on that.