Engagement.

Knottie1437592489

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IrishPirate60

Hey. You're all adults. You have a problem with FSIL? You talk to her. Or have her twin talk to her. Maybe instead of it being all about you, try extending a bit of compassion and empathy. Your FI told you some of her circumstances. Show some class and take her out for a glass of wine. Do not, under any circumstances, go tattling to your FMIL.

Viczaesar

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Dude, seriously, you have cried twice and you're talking about how his sister is "getting away with" not congratulating you for getting engaged?  "There is nothing that can be reversed now"?  You're making this a way bigger deal than it actually is.  You need to get over it.  You don't confront her, you don't tattle to her mom on her, you just get over it and realize that you getting engaged is not going to be a life-changing event for other people.  It sounds like she's being anti-social right now in general, so just let her be.  She could be depressed over her relationship ending, or PMSing, or just not feeling super family-oriented and wanting to lounge around on the beach by herself.  And she's allowed to be any or all of those things.  She doesn't owe you a congratulations, just like you don't owe her a spot in your wedding party (and frankly, since it doesn't sound like the two of you are at all close, you probably shouldn't ask her to be in it anyway.  If your FI wants his twin sister in the wedding he can have her on his side.). 

STARMOON44

Oh goodness are you 12? This is so not a big deal at all. Any of it. You shouldn't be crying over this! Of course don't make her a bridesmaid, you aren't close! Just enjoy your vacation, let her enjoy hers, and stop expecting a parade.

photokitty

You sound super judgey - "mock wedding" - it's probably worse in real life, and she probably senses it. I barely lived with my ex during our marriage, for very good reason. But I don't have to justify myself to you, neither does she.

If her brother isn't getting emotional bc she hasn't congratulated the two of you, take a cue from him. If you want people to be supportive of you, then you need to be supportive of them. That's how family and relationships work.

Get over yourself. You are not the center of the universe and your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you and your fi. The sooner you realize these two facts, the better off you'll be.

redoryx

You know what? You shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Save her the grief of dealing with a drama llama bride. 

Your FI told you she's going through a rough time and he clearly isn't upset by this so drop it. Not everything is about you. 

mollybarker11

Knottie1437592489 said:

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. [...]

That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Have you said "hello" to this woman at any point so far? Are you seriously this upset over someone not saying "hi" to you first and yet you don't know what the solution could possibly be?

Next time you see her, say "good morning, how are you?" Be friendly, not accusatory. Do not talk about your engagement which, to her, is insignificant at best or an extremely painful reminder of her recent marriage & divorce at worst.

[Deleted User]

Suck it up buttercup.  You are an adult.  It's time to act like one.  Just because you are engaged now does not mean everybody needs to throw sunshine and rainbows your way.  Be kind and courteous to her.  Leave your engagement out of it.  Maybe she needs a friend.  Be that.  But don't be that girl who goes crying to FMIL over it. Whether or not FMIL agrees with her behavior or not, FSIL is still her daughter, and I doubt she'd appreciate you throwing shade here.  No one says she has to be your bridesmaid, and that's ok.  Dry your tears and focus on being the best YOU that you can.

sparklepants41

It took over 3 weeks for one of my family members whom I am super close to, to acknowledge my engagement to DH. But you know what? She was going through some difficult times with her fiancé and I understood. Because I am an adult for crying out loud. Everyone deals with difficult times in their own way. Maybe your FSIL was upset with you for not greeting her/reaching out to see if she is okay/acknowledging her anguish.

This is not high school. If you really care about her and are truly excited to be her SIL and family, as you mentioned, reach out to her. Conversation and caring go both ways.

AddieCake

Maybe she's just not that into you.

NowIAmSyp

Viczaesar said:

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Dude, seriously, you have cried twice and you're talking about how his sister is "getting away with" not congratulating you for getting engaged?  "There is nothing that can be reversed now"?  You're making this a way bigger deal than it actually is.  You need to get over it.  You don't confront her, you don't tattle to her mom on her, you just get over it and realize that you getting engaged is not going to be a life-changing event for other people.  It sounds like she's being anti-social right now in general, so just let her be.  She could be depressed over her relationship ending, or PMSing, or just not feeling super family-oriented and wanting to lounge around on the beach by herself.  And she's allowed to be any or all of those things.  She doesn't owe you a congratulations, just like you don't owe her a spot in your wedding party (and frankly, since it doesn't sound like the two of you are at all close, you probably shouldn't ask her to be in it anyway.  If your FI wants his twin sister in the wedding he can have her on his side.). 

This (bolded).  OP- this is SO the truth.  The earlier you learn it, the better you'll be.  Be excited- you and your FI- but realize this is not something that is going to change the lives of others...  

AddieCake

OK, here's my serious response. I get it, OP. My heinous cousin never once acknowledged my engagement. Never congratulated us, never so much as clicked the like button on FB when I posted anything wedding related. It hurt my feelings and was just one more thing added to my list of reasons I find her heinous. But I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything to her or to her mother. Do not even consider that. You will just look silly. Be hurt and move forward. Have a margarita and a cupcake and forget about it.

banana468

How close were you to his sister before this?   How close was he to his sister before this?

I do think it's weird that she hasn't acknowledged it but you can't force it on her either.   If she's going through a really rough phase emotionally with the end of a marriage then she can be feeling rather raw about what's going on.

FWIW, I do think it's selfish that she didn't say anything at all.   But respect goes both ways.   So reach out to her and stop being upset that she isn't ready to shower you in hugs and kisses. 

loveislouder

I feel like if I was going through a divorce, despite how happy I would be for my twin, I would have trouble acknowledging their happiness because of the pain I' would be feeling.

MobKaz

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Having hurt feelings is one thing.  Do you hear how melodramatic you sound?  Shock and disbelief?  Her behavior; her attitude?  How to move on from "this"?

As many, many posters will tell you, NO ONE will be more involved/excited/happy about your wedding other than you and your FI.  And as other posters have said, your FSIL may or may not have reasons as to why she has yet to congratulate you.  If this is your worst crushing blow regarding your engagement and wedding planning, consider yourself extremely lucky.

Maggie0829

Over dramatic, party of one.

So your FSIL hasn't acknowledge your engagement.  So the freak what?!  Are you happy that you are engaged?  Is your FI happy that he is engaged?  If the answers are yes then why be so concerned over ONE person not saying anything to you about your engagement?  Seriously, build a bridge and get over it.

ShesSoCold

Wait a minute. This bitch was sunbathing? On vacation? In Hawaii? What an asshole!

Maggie0829

ShesSoCold said:

Wait a minute. This bitch was sunbathing? On vacation? In Hawaii? What an asshole!

This.  And also OP, you are in HAWAII on VACATION.  Get your head out of your butt and enjoy the amazingness that is Kauai.

kkitkat79

Wow.

arrrghmatey

Oh, call the WAH-bulance. Seriously, get over it. She's not going to care as much about your wedding as you expect her to, as she shouldn't. And you complain about her not acknowledging you or saying a word to you. Have you said a word to her? As in "Hey! How are you? I'm glad we get to see you not his trip! Want to go grab lunch or a glass of wine?" It's a two-way street, snowflake. Sounds like you need some growing up to do to realize that. Stop acting like your engagement is the biggest thing to happen to everyone around you.

ShesSoCold

I was finally able to finish reading after picking my jaw up off the floor that this girl was sunbathing when she should have been anxiously awaiting your arrival and anticipating gushing on your proposal and ring.

In all seriousness though, OP, you are going to have to get over this. Your engagement is NBD to other people. Thinking back, I don't think my SIL said anything to us when we got engaged. I don't recall. Wanna know why? IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. Sure it would be nice and polite of her to at least say something, but she hasn't. You can't control what other people do, you can only control your reaction to it.

This is just a thought, but have you considered that she might be hurt? Is she always standoffish? Maybe your FI, her twin, didn't tell her he was going to propose. Did she find out about this on facebook? That might be hurtful to her. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and telling her mommy that she looked at you wrong, try to, oh I don't know, act like an adult and try to fix it?

kaitlynmichelle

I get it, it sucks. But crying over this and making a big deal to your FI's family doesn't put you in a good light either when she clearly has things she is dealing with emotionally.

BIL's gf was miserable for a lot of our engagement and wedding. She was the only one that looked angry in our photos and clearly wasn't happy to be there that day. I ignored her and had a lovely time, and she made a fool of herself. Did I enjoy seeing her look so pissed off when I was saying my vows? No. But I wasn't about to make a scene. Sometimes people have their own issues that make your happiness harder for them. Doesn't give them a free pass to be rude, but calling attention to it won't help the situation.

Try talking to her - not about weddings, just hey, how was the beach? Want to grab a margarita? And so on. If she doesn't respond or want to be friends, so be it. Just remember that she is your FMIL and FFIL's daughter, so don't try to win them over to your side by badmouthing her behaviour.

thespeshulestsnowflake

ShesSoCold said:

Wait a minute. This bitch was sunbathing? On vacation? In Hawaii? What an asshole!

And didn't want to drive out to the airport to pick you guys up?!?!?! Jerk-face.

OliveOilsMom

If you keep obsessing over your FSIL, you will ruin your own vacation.  Go give Kauai Backcountry Adventures a call and go on their tubing trip.  Or better yet, book a luau at Kilohana Plantation.  You are staying at a timeshare, it is a Wyndham brand?  They have discounted ticket pricing and a bus to take you to the luau and back!  Get your fill of the mai tais and all will be good in the world.  And don't forget to drink ALL the POG!

MyNameIsNot

Seriously? Stop being so dramatic and overly sensitive. 

It's your engagement, not hers. Who cares if she congratulates you or not?

arrippa

arrrghmatey said:

Oh, call the WAH-bulance. Seriously, get over it. She's not going to care as much about your wedding as you expect her to, as she shouldn't. And you complain about her not acknowledging you or saying a word to you. Have you said a word to her? As in "Hey! How are you? I'm glad we get to see you not his trip! Want to go grab lunch or a glass of wine?" It's a two-way street, snowflake. Sounds like you need some growing up to do to realize that. Stop acting like your engagement is the biggest thing to happen to everyone around you.

[Deleted User]

Are you being serious?? Do you usually act like the world revolves around you? If so this might be the reason FSIL did not acknowledge your engagement.  

randomslove

I had to stop reading when I got to the part about how hurt you are that your FSIL, who is going through a life-changing event, has not acknowledged your (very, very new) engagement.

If you can learn how to be an adult, what you should do is reach out to her and see how she is doing. Whatever you think of her marriage, it was real to her. What she's going through is real for her. How can you expect her to be happy for you when you can't even support her through this? Did you know divorce is one of the biggest stresses in life, up there with death of a loved one or being diagnosed with a deadly disease?

In short, get over yourself and act like other people are entitled to have stuff going on in their lives that is more important to them than YOUR relationship status.

lyndausvi

Bursting into tears because someone didn't acknowledge an engagement?

One has to wonder what happens when a real problem pops up?

climbingsingle

So instead of being happy about being engaged, you have chosen to cry TWICE over your FSIL not falling all over herself to congratulate you? Seriously? 

I got divorced when I was in my 20s. It was extremely painful, even though it was my choice to split up. I couldn't even look at someone else's wedding pictures without feeling a lot of emotion. Try having some compassion for this woman. You sound incredibly cold and self centered. 

And you know what? I'm not even sure if my BIL congratulated us personally on getting engaged. I don't think he ever did. I have no recollection. You know why? Because I was over the fucking moon that I had found the love of my life and that he asked me to marry him. I basically was on Cloud 9 for about 6 months straight. 

Get over yourself and enjoy what should be an incredibly happy time. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

Guys, seriously. This site is supposed to be for advise and support. I bet OP has cried like 20 times reading the replies in this thread. Be nice and only give supportive advice! No negativity. She already has enough of that with her evil FSIL not even acknowledging her engagement!