Engagement.

MairePoppy

Maggie0829 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Wait a minute. This bitch was sunbathing? On vacation? In Hawaii? What an asshole!

This.  And also OP, you are in HAWAII on VACATION.  Get your head out of your butt and enjoy the amazingness that is Kauai.

That's what I was thinking, as I read your post. You're in Hawaii. Why are you wasting time on such a petty thing. 

As the mother of adults, if my son came to me to tell me that his gf was upset that DD hadn't acknowledged his engagement, I would 1. Tell him not to ruin the family vacation with this silly nonsense. We're here to have a good time. 2.  I'd make an official announcement/toast at dinner that evening. That would give family members a moment to offer best wishes. 

Did the two of you actually tell your FSIL that you're engaged? She may be hurt that her brother hasn't told her - although that would be almost as silly as you crying over her lack of acknowledgement. I have a feeling you and FSIL are a lot alike.

Advice for you: 1.Don't use positions in  your wedding party as rewards and punnishments. 2. Don't cause problems on the family vacation by tattling and complaining about FSILs beavior. 3. You're in Hawaii. Go outside to play.

Liatris2010

1. You cried because someone didnt congratulate you. Not because someone said or did something mean, but because they are not as excited as you think they should be. You will be happier and cry less when you learn you cant control other people's feelings.
2. Pick your closest people to be bridesmaids/men. Doesnt seem like you and FSIL are close. Your FI can ask her to be on his side if he wishes.
3. Your sidea dont have to be even, so stop worrying about that.
4. Get off the internet and enjoy your vacation.

[Deleted User]

Also I see a DD very close in the future.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

#FWP

I literally.can't.even.

Did I pass the basic bitch test?  I'm drinking a coconut mocha frappuccino if that helps. . .

lyndausvi

I have a SIL who cries at the drop of a hat.  She cries over the stupidest things.  We would be at my parent's beach house and I would ask my sister to go to the store.  She would cry because I didn't invite her too.     She would cry if we didn't gush over something she made.   It was getting ridiculous.

For a while we catered to her, then I finally stopped.   I do not deal with overly emotionally people too well.

I have a feeling it's a combo of the sister dealing with her own emotional issues over the divorce and an overly emotional OP.

banana468

lyndausvi said:

I have a SIL who cries at the drop of a hat.  She cries over the stupidest things.  We would be at my parent's beach house and I would ask my sister to go to the store.  She would cry because I didn't invite her too.     She would cry if we didn't gush over something she made.   It was getting ridiculous.

For a while we catered to her, then I finally stopped.   I do not deal with overly emotionally people too well.

I have a feeling it's a combo of the sister dealing with her how emotional issues over the divorce and an overly emotional OP.

This is my guess too.   I'm assuming that the OP isn't understanding why the SIL isn't over the moon excited and the SIL is probably sitting there thinking, "My marriage just ended and my twin's FI is wondering why I'm not jumping up and down with excitement?!?!"

You see the same sort of reaction when someone struggling with infertility hears a pregnancy announcement.   The good event in someone's life isn't always met with sunshine by others.   Sometimes it reminds them of heartache.   

sparklepants41

OP, perhaps we could look at it from the FSIL's potential POV:

"My brother just got engaged! To this girl who I had been really excited about joining the family/being my SIL, but now I'm not so sure. You see, I am going through a really horrible divorce. I had been looking forward to my family's trip to Hawaii for a while - just the therapeutic trip I needed to help me decompress from the awful crap I am dealing with during the divorce. I was also looking forward to bonding with my FSIL.

"But then, once I got to Hawaii everything was wedding/happily ever after and I thought I was going to cry every three seconds. So rather than bring down my brother and his FI's joy, I chose to have quiet time to heal myself.

"I was also hoping to get to know my FSIL better, but she keeps stomping around, and making faces at me, and she didn't even come out to the beach to say hi when they arrived!

"Am I a leper? Does she think my divorce is going to bring bad luck to her wedding? I thought we could be friends, but she doesn't even seem to want to take an interest in me."

WinstonsGirl

She just ended her marriage and you're surprised that she's not super pumped about yours?  Personally, I'd be devastated and feeling that everyone was comparing me to other people.  I'd want to go to Hawaii to get away from everyone and all of a sudden, that trip has a newly engaged couple who are just going to bring up all the reminders that my marriage didn't work so I'm a failure for that?

While I'm pretty sure that you aren't judging her like that, she's probably feeling like you might, setting her on edge.  Some one else mentioned that it's similar to people getting pregnant when you can't.  You are happy for them, but you just can't express it or be around them cos it hurts too much. 

My BFF walked right into several plum teaching positions right after graduation.  High school, teaching her subjects, being offered continuous contracts, etc.  I supply taught for 3 years cos there were no jobs in my subject area.  By the last time I couldn't talk to her for a while.  I was super happy for her that she was getting ahead but so frustrated and pissed that I wasn't that I couldn't deal with her happiness at the time.  Could be that SIL is feeling the same.  Drop the wedding talk around her, though I know that will be hard.  Invite her out for non-wedding stuff and don't make it a big deal unless she wants to talk about it 

thisismynickname2

What-ever...

Jen4948

Wow.  I was planning to write a play this week.  Thanks for providing me with material!

julieanne912

Come to think of it, my own brother didn't congratulate me when I got engaged.  I didn't even think of it til reading this thread (less than 2 months before my wedding).  I guess I should cry and be mad at him now.  

[Deleted User]

Knottie1437592489 said:

My fiancé and I just got engaged last Tuesday, right before our/his family trip to Kauai. Everyone was ecstatic for us, so it seemed...

The next morning, his mom sent me a cute text message and congrats. I was a little hungover from enjoying myself the night before but as the day went on I realized that I had not heard from his sister. I thought it was a little odd and weird, since we are going to be sister in laws and family soon.

When my fiancé came home, we started talking and I mentioned I hadn't heard from her yet. He explained that she was going through a rough time right now (she recently got divorced - after a mock wedding/marriage - don't ask - they never even lived together during the marriage). Long story short, my fiancé said that and I told him I felt for her but it still really hurt my feelings. I was on the verge of getting a bit emotional too.

Especially since I was considering her being a bridesmaid, even after my fiancé said I didn't have to do that and that it wasn't customary. Even then, I told him I still wanted her in it and that it was important to my since she was going to be my only sister in law.

As DAYS passed and I still heard nothing, I started questioning whether it was even a good idea to include her as a bridesmaid. I was actually contemplating between two other friends before I thought about cutting her out of my list. So I consulted with my best friend and my cousin about it and both basically said the same thing. That it was weird and I should have girls who are going to lift me up on my big day, etc.

I even thought, maybe she's waiting to say something in person since we're all seeing each other Saturday in Kauai. I figured I'd wait to see her reaction to us and our engagement then. Well Saturday comes and his parents pick us up from the airport, they congratulate us of course but his sister to my surprise is no where to be found in the car. Whatever right, we go back to the timeshare and she's not in the room either. She's actually sunbathing on the beach and we could see her from the room. We had to switch rooms since there was 5 of us now. So we finally get all our stuff in the other room, we all helped. She didn't. Finally we are relaxing from moving everything and his mom goes out to go grab her. We're all sitting on the couch and chairs in the living room.

So finally she walks in and doesn't say a word! I was shocked. She started talking to her mom/dad about something. Didn't even say hi to either one of us or her twin brother, my fiancé. At this point, I was extremely upset to the point where I was about to burst into tears on the couch in front of everyone. I didn't want to cause a scene so I tried to be strong. My fiancé wanted to go visit his tattoo artist so his dad agreed to take us. I was starting to get more and more quiet.

His dad went out to get the car as we were getting our stuff to leave. I started walking out and ahead of my fiancé when he pulls me back and says "hey come here babe". I immediately bursted into tears and told him how hurt I was. It was bad, I didn't even realize myself how upset I was over it. We had had conversations leading up to this about her behavior so he knew what was wrong. I was embarrassed for even crying. My fiancé said that her attitude needs to shape up and when we got in the car he told me he had told his mom. I didn't even want to return to the room at this moment when we got back to the resort.

We get back and we decided walk down to the beach and drink some wine while we watch the sunset. I was still feeling really hurt by it and I started crying again. That was yesterday, since then she hasn't directly spoken to me, congratulated me, or even been in the same room with me alone. I even feel like she's avoided  trying to be in the same room as us.

We are still on vacation (this is where we want to have our wedding too FYI), this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning. All I've felt his really hurt by this whole experience since being here. At this point, I don't even know what to do? I feel like no one has told her anything and she's just getting away with it. I've decided that if she can't even acknowledge our engagement or pretend to be happy for us, then I'm definitely not including her in my bridal party which saddens me but I'm just in disbelief by her behavior. This is nothing that can be reversed now.

I just don't know how to move on from this? Should I confront her and tell her that she really hurt me? Do I saw something to their mother? I'm so lost. 

Sisters-in-law*

FTFY

TheCheeseWench

Wow, I totally disagree with the PPs.


JK, they are all absolutely right. Especially @sparklepants41 . I agree that there are often 1,001 things more important to most people you know (even family) than your engagement. Sure, it's nice to know that people are happy for you, but you need to stop thinking that anyone owes you teenager squeals or gushy Lifetime-movie tears of joy. Hell, MANY of our relatives never actually congratulated me/us on the engagement. Why? There was more important shit going on. At the time we got engaged I was in a nasty car accident. We all knew the engagement was coming at some point, he'd sat down and talked to most of his fam about his plans to propose in advance. We even had an idea when and where we wanted to get married. He bought the ring and had planned to give me on our upcoming vacation (made plans to surprise me at a vineyard owned by some friends of mine in Oregon). I was hit by a semi and then t-boned by another car (going 80mph) on the expressway the night before our flight was to leave. He still ended up proposing on the day he had planned despite me being in the hospital and it being just hours after having hip surgery. It was really sweet and happy FOR US. For everyone else, it was a minor thing all things considered. All that mattered was that they were not having to help FI plan a funeral instead of a wedding. In the following weeks the only thing anyone else could focus on when we were around was my injuries. They didn't care what color flowers I had in mind, they wanted to know when I was going to walk again. You know why? Because that was more important. Also, my FSIL & FI's brother had a 2 month old that was occupying their attention. Something of importance in THEIR lives. Of course they were happy, but the gifting of some bling to make official something that everyone knew was going to happen at some point was not exactly Earth shattering news. This is just like your FSIL. She's got bigger shit on her mind than the fact that you got a shiny new bauble, she wants to know when the pain will go away, or when she will no longer be lonely. If you and FI were serious enough to have you joining his family on a vacation to Hawaii (where you said already know you want to get married and "this is supposed to be a happy and exciting trip for us to start planning") there is likely no surprise to this announcement, so it may seem like just a no big deal formality.

Now, should your wedding day come along and people show up to your wedding and reception and choose not to say anything to you, that's rude. Having a personal issue going on that might be more painful in light of your new happy kissyface announcement is not. Let her enjoy her vacation for what it needs to be for her, and you enjoy yours. Either it blows over and she warms up, or it doesn't. If it is because she doesn't come around, then either she is hurt by your childish behavior stomping around on this trip and boohooing to her family, or because she doesn't like you for some other reason. That's on her. If it is because YOU can't move on and it "can't be reversed" then it's on you, and that is a shitty thing to do to your FI.

jacques27

Wow.  That's an astounding lack of empathy right there. 

There's an episode in the first season of Law & Order with this really narcissistic mother and Chris Noth's character says something like "Everything is a mirror onto her. You hold a dying kid up to it and all she sees is herself and how it affects her."  I'm tempted to use that line multiple times a day on this board.  She's experiencing the end of a relationship.  You've been told she's going through a hard time.  And yet all you can see when someone holds a hurting person up to you is how this affects you and your engagement.  Damn.

MadHops21

OP, come back, I want to read your reply. 

particuliersylphe

I mean I know I'm a jerk for saying this, but it reminded me so much of my FSIL that I can't help it. I didn't congratulate her on her engagment, because well I'm not a huge fan of her. Sorrynotsorry.

banana468

particuliersylphe said:

I mean I know I'm a jerk for saying this, but it reminded me so much of my FSIL that I can't help it. I didn't congratulate her on her engagment, because well I'm not a huge fan of her. Sorrynotsorry.

But your brother?

particuliersylphe

banana468 said:

I mean I know I'm a jerk for saying this, but it reminded me so much of my FSIL that I can't help it. I didn't congratulate her on her engagment, because well I'm not a huge fan of her. Sorrynotsorry.

But your brother?

FI's brother, not my brother. FI congratulated his brother.

***ETA -- I should clarify by saying that this reminded me of her, was that this seems like exactly something she would post if someone hadn't given her the attention for xyz thing that she felt she deserved.

dramamonkey

OliveOilsMom said:

If you keep obsessing over your FSIL, you will ruin your own vacation.  Go give Kauai Backcountry Adventures a call and go on their tubing trip.  Or better yet, book a luau at Kilohana Plantation.  You are staying at a timeshare, it is a Wyndham brand?  They have discounted ticket pricing and a bus to take you to the luau and back!  Get your fill of the mai tais and all will be good in the world.  And don't forget to drink ALL the POG!

Ahhh yes @OliveOilsMom! Yes to all of this. I did these two things on my Kauai honeymoon. Two of my favorite things! Plus the shaved snow at Uncle's and the ice cream from Lapperts.

Did you do the rum tasting before your luau at Kilohan?

dramamonkey

But, to the OP, my BIL did not congratulate us nor did he attend our wedding. Heck, he didn't even send in his RSVP card. We still get along just fine!

I know it wasn't personal, sometimes it just doesn't happen how you think it will...

I think his parents and sister were more annoyed at him than DH and I were...

Knottie1437592489

Okay ladies, I'm not some cry baby bitch that is being insensitive to my FSIL's feelings. And thank you to the few people that actually gave me supportive and good advice. I even appreciate the advice that I didn't want to hear but needed to. But geez, some of you ladies are just being straight insensitive to my feelings as well. There are nicer ways to say things. And yes, maybe my story does sound one sided. It was. Obviously you all are not going to know the full story. However, she did decide to marry one of her college friends just so he could get citizenship. Were they in love? No. Did they get married for the right reasons? No. They didn't kiss at the court house, they didn't have a honeymoon, he split after the nice luncheon her mother paid for, and his parents awkwardly thanked her as they were leaving. No, I did NOT expect her to be over the moon and back about our engagement. All I fucking would have liked was a simple hi or congrats. I didn't think it was that hard? I didn't even realize like I said before that it would mean anything to me. It took one of my other family members a while to say congrats to me too. I didn't cry over that. I didn't even care! I would have been a lot more empathetic had I known she was going through it. When she got divorced, we all thought it was part of the plan that had previously been discussed when it was first arranged. His sister has claimed that she likes me, I know she's going through a rough time. I do respect that she needs time to grieve. But to mutter one word... I'm sorry. My bad, I guess. I didn't ask her to stare at my fucking ring or take a picture for memories. I'm not brown nosing her about all our plans and ideas. This trip isn't about us or me. I know that. I'm sorry his parents actually don't exactly side with her either. That his mom is actually crying over everything that is happening too. We all feel bad, we are here to support her as her family. Not bring the family dynamic down. We invite her to things, she says no. Fine. Fuck it. I was fucking hurt is all. I needed to vent. I wanted support. Good advice not rude comments, even if I am being a bit sensitive or insensitive to her. But fuck me for caring I guess.

Knottie1437592489

My fiancé doesn't get emotional very often at all. And he has over this. 

 We've done are best. We're not ruining anyone's vacation.

Have none of you ever been disappointed before? Or expected a different outcome? 

redoryx

Knottie1437592489 said:

Okay ladies, I'm not some cry baby bitch that is being insensitive to my FSIL's feelings. And thank you to the few people that actually gave me supportive and good advice. I even appreciate the advice that I didn't want to hear but needed to. But geez, some of you ladies are just being straight insensitive to my feelings as well. There are nicer ways to say things. And yes, maybe my story does sound one sided. It was. Obviously you all are not going to know the full story. However, she did decide to marry one of her college friends just so he could get citizenship. Were they in love? No. Did they get married for the right reasons? No. They didn't kiss at the court house, they didn't have a honeymoon, he split after the nice luncheon her mother paid for, and his parents awkwardly thanked her as they were leaving. No, I did NOT expect her to be over the moon and back about our engagement. All I fucking would have liked was a simple hi or congrats. I didn't think it was that hard? I didn't even realize like I said before that it would mean anything to me. It took one of my other family members a while to say congrats to me too. I didn't cry over that. I didn't even care! I would have been a lot more empathetic had I known she was going through it. When she got divorced, we all thought it was part of the plan that had previously been discussed when it was first arranged. His sister has claimed that she likes me, I know she's going through a rough time. I do respect that she needs time to grieve. But to mutter one word... I'm sorry. My bad, I guess. I didn't ask her to stare at my fucking ring or take a picture for memories. I'm not brown nosing her about all our plans and ideas. This trip isn't about us or me. I know that. I'm sorry his parents actually don't exactly side with her either. That his mom is actually crying over everything that is happening too. We all feel bad, we are here to support her as her family. Not bring the family dynamic down. We invite her to things, she says no. Fine. Fuck it. I was fucking hurt is all. I needed to vent. I wanted support. Good advice not rude comments, even if I am being a bit sensitive or insensitive to her. But fuck me for caring I guess.

If you need support, get a bra. That's not what we are here for. 

STARMOON44

You, your FI, and his mother are all emotional over this? That's so strange to me. So strange.

Lots of us have been disappointed by things I'm sure, but you're crying in paradise over it! And it doesn't even matter!

climbingsingle

I'm sorry, but I don't for one second believe the whole family is "emotional" over this. If you are, you all need to get over yourselves. You're in Hawaii on a wonderful vacation and you're posting on the internet about this. Do you not see how ridiculous that is? 

I'll reiterate what I said before. This should be an extremely happy time. You just got engaged. Stop focusing on the actions of your FSIL. You can't control her. Get over it and move the fuck on. Enjoy life. 

[Deleted User]

You must have left a LOT out of your story if the WHOLE family is emotional over this. And the only way they would be emotional over this is if you ran and tattled. You are causing unneeded drama for everyone including yourself. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. Holy crap yes you are out of line for even caring she didn't say congrats. Stop looking for approval from everyone else and be ok with yourself.  Sounds like your FSIL is the only one that knows shes on vacation.

sparklepants41

Holy cow. Talk about FWP.

climbingsingle

sparklepants41 said:

Holy cow. Talk about FWP.

Right? My vacation in Hawaii is ruined because my FSIL didn't say congrats! 

Maggie0829

I still don't get why you, your FI and his family is so emotional over his sister not saying congrats on your engagement.  I mean if you all are crying over something so ridiculous and unimportant then I think therapy is needed all around.

AddieCake

OP, like I said, I've been there. But you ARE way too emotional over this. I was just trying to help you see that you should take a "fuck that bitch if she doesn't care" attitude and move on. Crying over it, telling his mother, your fiancé and his mother being upset....it's all just so unnecessary and overly dramatic.