Splitting cost of wedding?

Knottie1424481114

Hi all, I'm wondering if I'm overthinking but if you and your fiance are paying 100% for the wedding, did you discuss how to split paying for it? I know once married, all finances are pretty much melded if it's a joint account but we will probably have separate accounts.

I'm asking because I've done 95% of the planning (he's really absentee on it) and therefore, I've paid all the costs of hiring vendors, etc thus far. And it's looking like I'll end up paying 90% of the wedding, if not more.

Financially I am ok with it but I guess I haven't grappled with the thought of joint finances yet. To me, unless you pool 100% of your money, it's not joint. And I know he shelled out a lot for the engagement ring, so if I think about it that way, then we'll be even even if I pay for 100% of the wedding. But it seems a bit unfair because I didn't even want a wedding and the majority of the guests are from his side.

And I thinking about it all wrong? I feel a terrible for this selfish-thinking but I can't help it. I'm in my 30s and I've always been financially fair/conscious.

Not just the wedding, but other big items I've been paying for just because I'm on the ball and he dilly-dallies. Should I just sit back and tell him to use his card every now and then? Or should I just forget all this pettiness and consider one for all?

ShesSoCold

Knottie1424481114 said:

Hi all, I'm wondering if I'm overthinking but if you and your fiance are paying 100% for the wedding, did you discuss how to split paying for it? I know once married, all finances are pretty much melded if it's a joint account but we will probably have separate accounts.

I'm asking because I've done 95% of the planning (he's really absentee on it) and therefore, I've paid all the costs of hiring vendors, etc thus far. And it's looking like I'll end up paying 90% of the wedding, if not more.

Financially I am ok with it but I guess I haven't grappled with the thought of joint finances yet. To me, unless you pool 100% of your money, it's not joint. And I know he shelled out a lot for the engagement ring, so if I think about it that way, then we'll be even even if I pay for 100% of the wedding. But it seems a bit unfair because I didn't even want a wedding and the majority of the guests are from his side.

And I thinking about it all wrong? I feel a terrible for this selfish-thinking but I can't help it. I'm in my 30s and I've always been financially fair/conscious.

Not just the wedding, but other big items I've been paying for just because I'm on the ball and he dilly-dallies. Should I just sit back and tell him to use his card every now and then? Or should I just forget all this pettiness and consider one for all?

This is different with every couple. Many couples don't combine finances after getting married also. What works/worked for us may not work for you.

Before our wedding, H and I had separate finances but we both put equal amounts towards the wedding. 

Have you discussed any of this with him? 

AddieCake

You really need to talk to him about this and get on the same page.

BrinkyDink16

We've both been putting in what we can afford.  I can afford to have 10% of each paycheck diverted straight into the wedding account, he can afford to give me $30-$60 per week which varies based on which of his bills are due that week.  For us it just came down to math and the fact is based on our incomes I'll end up paying for about 75% of the wedding which is totally okay.

We're not planning on fully combining finances after we're married.  We'll each have our own account for bills that are separate like our cell phones, car payments, and luxuries.  Then we'll have the joint account for joint bills like rent, utilities, etc.

You should definitely have a chat with your FH about this because it seems like it's bothering you and you need to let him know that you need / want more of a financial contribution from him.  After all, the day is about both of you so unless he financially isn't able to he should be contributing too.

lyndausvi

My parents paid for most our wedding.  However, between the things we were picking up, plus our HM plus travel expenses from the wedding being OOT, we still spend well into 5 figures.

I figured out how much per month we needed to save.  Then figured out what percentage each of us contributes to the joint household.  Then multiplied the percentages by the amount we need to save each month.   I then told DH if we wanted to save "x" by the wedding he needed to deposit "y" amount each month into the joint account and I then needed to deposit "z" amount.    He makes more, so he needed to save more.     He said "okay". Then we both did.

However, what worked for us doesn't mean it will work for others.  Some make more than others.  But the one who makes more might also have more other expenses making them unable to contribute as much.   

I would definelty have a talk with him.  We are not completely "joint" in our finances.   We have joint accounts and separate accounts.  However, we both contribute the same amount percentage wise compared to the joint income.   For example we both pay about 30% of our income towards household expenses even though my actual amount is way less since I make less.

aliwis000

ShesSoCold said:

Knottie1424481114 said:

Hi all, I'm wondering if I'm overthinking but if you and your fiance are paying 100% for the wedding, did you discuss how to split paying for it? I know once married, all finances are pretty much melded if it's a joint account but we will probably have separate accounts.

I'm asking because I've done 95% of the planning (he's really absentee on it) and therefore, I've paid all the costs of hiring vendors, etc thus far. And it's looking like I'll end up paying 90% of the wedding, if not more.

Financially I am ok with it but I guess I haven't grappled with the thought of joint finances yet. To me, unless you pool 100% of your money, it's not joint. And I know he shelled out a lot for the engagement ring, so if I think about it that way, then we'll be even even if I pay for 100% of the wedding. But it seems a bit unfair because I didn't even want a wedding and the majority of the guests are from his side.

And I thinking about it all wrong? I feel a terrible for this selfish-thinking but I can't help it. I'm in my 30s and I've always been financially fair/conscious.

Not just the wedding, but other big items I've been paying for just because I'm on the ball and he dilly-dallies. Should I just sit back and tell him to use his card every now and then? Or should I just forget all this pettiness and consider one for all?

This is different with every couple. Many couples don't combine finances after getting married also. What works/worked for us may not work for you.

Before our wedding, H and I had separate finances but we both put equal amounts towards the wedding. 

Have you discussed any of this with him? 

This is us. Our wedding is in September and so far we have pretty much split the cost of the wedding. I do most of the planning, buy the little things, put down first deposits and make monthly payments; he comes in and does some of the big things and "catches up" with me if you will. After the wedding we will combine accounts.

Although each of us could have paid for the full wedding on our own neither wanted the other to be out that much money from our personal accounts in case the unthinkable happened before we actually wed. (aka one of us died or was seriously injured etc.)

We talk about fiances all the time, where we each are, how much is in savings, investments and so on. I hope OP talks with her FI about finances, not just on  wedding stuff but everything. It is something both partners need to address before marriage. From spending habits to saving habits to debt and retirement planning.

ETA: Every couple is different, some combine money, others dont. What is important is talking about it and making a plan that works for both of you.

Knottie1424481114

Thanks for the replies so far. I appreciate all your thoughts and what's worked for you! (This is OP by the way..I'm not able to log back in for some reason).

It's true, my fiance and I rarely talk about finances. We've had 1-2 general talks (ie, should we pool after we get married, etc) and he told me he wanted all joint but so far, our attitudes haven't been aligned with that mindset. He's not someone to care too much dollar for dollar. For instance, he doesn't like if I split the check and give him $20 for a $40 meal. He'd rather pay for it all and then I pick up the tab next time.

Financially, I'm much more frugal in all respects and he spends a lot more on food/entertainment/gifts. He doesnt' think about it as much as I do. 

I guess I'm still not comfortable talking about our finances because he never wants to talk about it with me. I still have no idea how much he makes, how much he's saved,etc. And he doesn't know about mine either. He just says things like "I have some mutual funds"...I know this is not starting off on the right foot with open communication (and I know money is the biggest contributor to marital rife).  

You're right, it does bother me somewhat. I will try and bring it up with him by asking him to "catch up" with paying some of the balances as our wedding gets closer. I hope I won't sound too petty.

AddieCake

It concerns me that you don't know anything about his finances. You don't know how much he makes? You NEED to talk about these things so you can make decisions going forward. And honestly, he is not someone I would go 100% joint with. I would do joint and separate because he sounds like someone who might spend a little willy nilly. And as for the wedding, yeah, he needs to be contributing b/c after you get married, if you do all joint like he wants,mills and stuff will be coming out of your money, and he has then never evened it out, if that makes sense.

Maggie0829

Knottie1424481114 said:

Thanks for the replies so far. I appreciate all your thoughts and what's worked for you! (This is OP by the way..I'm not able to log back in for some reason).

It's true, my fiance and I rarely talk about finances. We've had 1-2 general talks (ie, should we pool after we get married, etc) and he told me he wanted all joint but so far, our attitudes haven't been aligned with that mindset. He's not someone to care too much dollar for dollar. For instance, he doesn't like if I split the check and give him $20 for a $40 meal. He'd rather pay for it all and then I pick up the tab next time.

Financially, I'm much more frugal in all respects and he spends a lot more on food/entertainment/gifts. He doesnt' think about it as much as I do. 

I guess I'm still not comfortable talking about our finances because he never wants to talk about it with me. I still have no idea how much he makes, how much he's saved,etc. And he doesn't know about mine either. He just says things like "I have some mutual funds"...I know this is not starting off on the right foot with open communication (and I know money is the biggest contributor to marital rife).  

You're right, it does bother me somewhat. I will try and bring it up with him by asking him to "catch up" with paying some of the balances as our wedding gets closer. I hope I won't sound too petty.

You need to have some detailed discussions with him about finances.  And stop feeling uncomfortable about it.  This is a person you are going to marry, which means it all stops being yours and his and will become "ours" so you need to talk about this.  Financial issues is a huge reason why people get divorced so you certainly don't want to go into a marriage without having figured out a path forward.  If need be talk with a financial adviser.

But you two need to know where you are financially and where you want to be in the future.  You also need to decide how you are going to spend money.  At what amount is a discussion needed when you spend money?  $100?  $200?  $1,000?  What are your plans in regards to saving? How are you going to split household expenses.

So tell him that over the weekend you want to have a sit down and discuss finances.  If he tries to get out of it or kind of fluffs over it, be firm that this is important to you and something you are concerned about for your joint future.

Jells2dot0

I'm one of those people that never combined finances with my H. So, when we were planning the wedding, I paid for 99.9% of it. The only thing he paid for was his outfit. This was based on an agreement that we had in place prior to getting engaged- he pays for the mortgage and utilities, I pay for the cars, daily expenses, and travel. We had a DW, so DW= travel.

Even though we have intended from Day #1 that we would maintain separate finances, we met with a financial planner to discuss the best path forward for splitting expenses, future financial planning, and review of assets/debts. Having that conversation was non-negotiable for us, even with keeping everything separate. I had a good idea of what he made, since we work for the same company, but it was an excellent discussion and we laid it all out on the table. I think we were both surprised at how well we managed our finances and that we were on the same page in almost every way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about finances and if he is uncomfortable about it, asking to have an appointment with a planner to get a plan in place for buying a home, planning for children, etc. is a great way to get the ball rolling. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to properly plan for those events, but that conversation about the future also leads to what the current situation is with each person.

TrixieJess

Knottie1424481114 said:

Thanks for the replies so far. I appreciate all your thoughts and what's worked for you! (This is OP by the way..I'm not able to log back in for some reason).

It's true, my fiance and I rarely talk about finances. We've had 1-2 general talks (ie, should we pool after we get married, etc) and he told me he wanted all joint but so far, our attitudes haven't been aligned with that mindset. He's not someone to care too much dollar for dollar. For instance, he doesn't like if I split the check and give him $20 for a $40 meal. He'd rather pay for it all and then I pick up the tab next time.

Financially, I'm much more frugal in all respects and he spends a lot more on food/entertainment/gifts. He doesnt' think about it as much as I do. 

I guess I'm still not comfortable talking about our finances because he never wants to talk about it with me. I still have no idea how much he makes, how much he's saved,etc. And he doesn't know about mine either. He just says things like "I have some mutual funds"...I know this is not starting off on the right foot with open communication (and I know money is the biggest contributor to marital rife).  

You're right, it does bother me somewhat. I will try and bring it up with him by asking him to "catch up" with paying some of the balances as our wedding gets closer. I hope I won't sound too petty.

This is concerning. You need to sit down and have a chat with him. Do you know how much money he makes? Does he know how much money you make? Do you know each others assets? Debts? Who is going to pay the bills? Who's name are things going to go in? Do you have insurance? Are you going to have joint accounts? Separate? What is going to happen when you have children?

The wedding is the least of your issues right now. You need to get on the same page as your FI in your relationship. Money is very important to be open about.

[Deleted User]

I paid for about 90% of our wedding too. I picked up a 2nd job and was staying with him and his roommates alot so I was saving on expenses from my apartment. So I put the money aside to pay for the wedding.

CharmedPam

My FI and I created a separate savings account JUST for the wedding.  It's probably going to turn out him paying more, but he also makes more and lives in a way less expensive state than I do and his mortgage is half of what mine is.  As a matter of fact, I told him to be fair, and put in what I put in and we'll make it work.  He won't.  He puts in a % of his paycheck.

Our deposits came out of that account.  I mean, I put them on my CC for points, but then took the money out right away to pay the CC.  It came from both of us saving up though.

edit:  When married, we will not combine accounts either.  

lovemesomemonster

I would have a talk with him, ours are not combined but I get the feeling that we are a little more relaxed about all of the splitting but it ends up being fair.

I did the split things with roomies in college and so did he so we are not interested in figuring out what was spent on food, bills etc every month to split it. Our finances are separate with one joint CC which is most likely the way we will keep it. I pay bills and he pays mortgage (he makes far more than I do), groceries are paid by whoever and if one of us needs a little kick back the other one just picks up the slack (most of the time him giving me money). As for the wedding, he just cut me a check that I put in my savings to make it easy since he's out of state working and I'm dealing with all of the payments. 

I don't always know exactly what he has in savings/checking but he is a saver so I know it's typically growing. If he wants to spend the money he has worked for on something fun then that's fine as long as bills are paid. I would have the discussion with your FI about finances and lay it all out on the table, if you are both transparent with the accounts then it isn't much different keeping it separate. If we decide to do something big and I don't have the money in my account to cover it he will just pay, it's like having a joint account but using separate cards I guess and it works for us.

lyndausvi

The number one reason for divorce is about finances.     

Don't be a statistic.   Start asking questions NOW.

julieanne912

I'm in a similar boat, but I'm not bitter about it.  My mom is helping quite a bit with the wedding, mostly from money left over from when my dad passed away 15 years ago.  His family hasn't offered any sort of financial assistance.  Anything my mom isn't paying for, I am.  Before the engagement, we agreed that I would give him $400 a month towards the mortgage/whatever other bills for the house (I pay utilities).  Instead of doing that, he told me to keep that money and use for whatever it's needed for until the wedding.  So that's his contribution.  He has a higher percentage of his people on the guest list.  

BUT, this year, we also bought a house.  After buying said house, he paid for a $17,000 driveway, and we just finished putting in $15,000 worth of landscaping.  So yes, I could whine that he's not helping to pay more for the wedding, but he pretty much foot the entire bill for the house projects so I don't complain at all.  If anything, his contributions are more meaningful because they are an investment to the house, and will benefit us long term.  A wedding is a one day event.  

We aren't planning on combining finances, at least not right away.  We're both in our 30s.  We will probably open up a joint savings of some kind after the wedding, but that's about it.

So, I agree w/ everyone else in that you all need to sit down and really figure out your finances for both now, and after the wedding.  To not even know hardly anything about his financial status is a bit alarming.  It's not petty to want to know that sort of thing.  What happened if he got in a car accident 2 months after the wedding?  What if something happened to you?  You all both need to know stuff about each other.

NicRen17

I handle all of our finances. We split all bills that are mutual 50/50 and I take care of all our individual bills with our separate accounts. 

For the wedding, I have been footing about 90% of the bills but that's because I am a better saver and make more money than he does (at the moment). He's been paying all our church stipends currently.

After the wedding, we are considering putting everyone on his family plan for health and dental insurances. My current job does not offer dental and with a family plan on health, we will actually be saving money by switching over. I will help him with the pay back if necessary since I will be receiving more money back in my paycheck after cancelling my health insurance.

primafaba15

First, I'll echo second PPs that you NEED to have a conversation about finances before the wedding.  Neither of us knew the exact totals in the other's bank accounts at any given time, but we had a rough idea, knew our annual salaries, and also knew the amounts of our major financial commitments (i.e., how much my car lease costs, how much H has in student loans, etc.).  This is important for knowing how the wedding cost is going to affect you, setting up a household budget, and just generally planning for the future.  So definitely have that conversation with him! 

As far as wedding expenses -- I really wish we had opened a joint account to make deposits into, but we didn't. So we tried to trade off expenses when we could. Most of the very large checks came from me, in part because I'm not sure H even owns a checkbook, and because my savings are larger than his. For other expenses we traded off depending on who had paid last or whose card balance was lower at the time. I am pretty sure in the end I ended up paying for more, but that is probably fair because I had more expectations for the wedding! 

It did take me awhile to get comfortable with the shared money pool thing (because we haven't combined finances totally yet and probably won't for awhile). When we go out to dinner H still likes splitting between two cards so I don't know that he really sees it as a big shared pool either. 

Also, one thing I didn't consider: we knew we would get a lot of checks from relatives, so I expected that we might recoup at least some expenses. Unfortunately, everyone made the checks out to "Mrs. & Mrs. NewLastname!" and we didn't want all that money waiting in our apartment until my name change went through. This meant that even though the big checks came OUT of my accounts, the big gift checks went INTO his accounts -- it's basically the same place, of course, but I'll admit to being briefly annoyed by it. So, if you're changing your name, definitely take that into consideration! 

LondonLisa

Knottie1424481114 said:

Hi all, I'm wondering if I'm overthinking but if you and your fiance are paying 100% for the wedding, did you discuss how to split paying for it? I know once married, all finances are pretty much melded if it's a joint account but we will probably have separate accounts.

I'm asking because I've done 95% of the planning (he's really absentee on it) and therefore, I've paid all the costs of hiring vendors, etc thus far. And it's looking like I'll end up paying 90% of the wedding, if not more.

Financially I am ok with it but I guess I haven't grappled with the thought of joint finances yet. To me, unless you pool 100% of your money, it's not joint. And I know he shelled out a lot for the engagement ring, so if I think about it that way, then we'll be even even if I pay for 100% of the wedding. But it seems a bit unfair because I didn't even want a wedding and the majority of the guests are from his side.

And I thinking about it all wrong? I feel a terrible for this selfish-thinking but I can't help it. I'm in my 30s and I've always been financially fair/conscious.

Not just the wedding, but other big items I've been paying for just because I'm on the ball and he dilly-dallies. Should I just sit back and tell him to use his card every now and then? Or should I just forget all this pettiness and consider one for all?

So this isn't about planning a wedding but rather getting on the same page financially in general. We sat down together and drew up a budget, and figured out how much we could each contribute out of our monthly income. We created a wedding joint bank account and all payments come out of this account. As I make less than my fi, I put in proportionally less.

How do you split other joint costs? Do you live together? How about meals out or holidays?

Honestly, this would be a huge red flag for me that he is OK with everything being thrown onto you both organisationally and financially 

[Deleted User]

Money was a BIG issue in my first marriage.. Ex hubby wouldn't talk to me about his money and make it clear everything was to be split 50/50 which sucked because he made a lot more then me at the time... Soon we found out it's not always possible to do 50/50 all of the time. We were married just 2 years..........I should have demanded we talk about it AND come up with a plan. We never did.

Recently got married... Money is something we spoke about often and still do. We are always on the same page now. He asks when he spends money on something big and vice versa... I know how much he is bringing home and he knows what I make. We do not have joint accounts but it seems to work out. MUCH MUCH different then the first time. You need to talk about this before you plan anymore of the wedding.

JediElizabeth

CharmedPam said:

My FI and I created a separate savings account JUST for the wedding.  It's probably going to turn out him paying more, but he also makes more and lives in a way less expensive state than I do and his mortgage is half of what mine is.  As a matter of fact, I told him to be fair, and put in what I put in and we'll make it work.  He won't.  He puts in a % of his paycheck.

Our deposits came out of that account.  I mean, I put them on my CC for points, but then took the money out right away to pay the CC.  It came from both of us saving up though.

edit:  When married, we will not combine accounts either.  

Same here, about the wedding account. We actually opened a joint account together, which is currently only for the wedding, and will be our join account after marrying. It also gives us a place where we can easily deposit any check made out to both of us.

I sat down the week we got engaged and created a spreadsheet with the number of pay periods between now and the wedding (we're on the same schedule, the amount I could contribute, and the amount he could contribute each paycheck, multiplied it by pay periods, and made a budget that came out to about 20% less than that (for a good deal of contingency). We decided on a long engagement so we could pay for it comfortably.

About a month or two in, I realized that I hadn't been realistic in my expectations of myself, and that he had been too conservative (as it was, I was saving about 8x more than him), and we sat down and adjusted our figures. I make more money overall, so I'm still saving more per pay period, but we both feel like we're giving our share. And we know that if we "over-save," it's a good thing, because it's going straight to our house fund after the wedding.

What's important is we talked about it. A lot. And when it turned out that I was stressing way too much about the amount I was saving, we talked again and figured it out.