Split Bill at Rehearsal Dinner? How to Handle?

BrinkyDink16

At the beginning of our wedding planning my FFIL told me that he would cover the rehearsal dinner.  We just needed to let him know when and where it would be.  Traditionally, that's what the grooms family does and while I thought it odd that they left picking a location and planning it up to us I just figured they were being nice.

We made our guest list, picked our location, and told the FILs.  That's when shit started to go downhill.  They didn't like the location because it had a couple bad google reviews.  They didn't like the guest list because we made it bridal party, immediate family, and any significant others (like, REAL significant others not just a random date.)  They didn't want the SOs invited, they didn't understand why our bridal party was so big, etc.  I lost my cool and told my FH that if they didn't like what we were planning then they could cancel the reservation and plan it themselves like they should have done all along.

FH worked it out where now the guest list is just parents, bridal party, and bridal party SOs.  But the problem remains the bill.  FFIL said that while he's picking up the bill he won't be paying for alcohol.  The guests are expected to pay for their own, even me and FH. Now, this is not a fancy or expensive restaurant.  In fact it's like down home food and cheap drinks.  I think a glass of wine there is $3 - $4.  With cutting out immediate family except parents we're down to less than 30 guests for the dinner and we're all ordering off the menu.  At most I think people might have one or two drinks and it would probably just be beer or wine.  

When I was speaking to my parents about it my father was apalled at the thought of making bridal party members pay for their own drinks.  He said, and my mother agreed, that the rehearsal dinner is a thank you to the bridal party and there was no way he'd let this happen so he said I need to call the restaurant and let them know that food and non-alcoholic drinks are to go on one tab, and alcohol is to go on another that he will pay for.  Obviously, I'm grateful to my father because I was also flustered about FFIL not paying for the alcohol.  But I'm left with lingering confusion and questions about this situation.

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well?

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

Having never planned a wedding before I'm totally lost on what is "normal" for a rehearsal dinner.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

kvruns

BrinkyDink16 said:

At the beginning of our wedding planning my FFIL told me that he would cover the rehearsal dinner.  We just needed to let him know when and where it would be.  Traditionally, that's what the grooms family does and while I thought it odd that they left picking a location and planning it up to us I just figured they were being nice.

We made our guest list, picked our location, and told the FILs.  That's when shit started to go downhill.  They didn't like the location because it had a couple bad google reviews.  They didn't like the guest list because we made it bridal party, immediate family, and any significant others (like, REAL significant others not just a random date.)  They didn't want the SOs invited, they didn't understand why our bridal party was so big, etc.  I lost my cool and told my FH that if they didn't like what we were planning then they could cancel the reservation and plan it themselves like they should have done all along.

FH worked it out where now the guest list is just parents, bridal party, and bridal party SOs.  But the problem remains the bill.  FFIL said that while he's picking up the bill he won't be paying for alcohol.  The guests are expected to pay for their own, even me and FH. Now, this is not a fancy or expensive restaurant.  In fact it's like down home food and cheap drinks.  I think a glass of wine there is $3 - $4.  With cutting out immediate family except parents we're down to less than 30 guests for the dinner and we're all ordering off the menu.  At most I think people might have one or two drinks and it would probably just be beer or wine.  

When I was speaking to my parents about it my father was apalled at the thought of making bridal party members pay for their own drinks.  He said, and my mother agreed, that the rehearsal dinner is a thank you to the bridal party and there was no way he'd let this happen so he said I need to call the restaurant and let them know that food and non-alcoholic drinks are to go on one tab, and alcohol is to go on another that he will pay for.  Obviously, I'm grateful to my father because I was also flustered about FFIL not paying for the alcohol.  But I'm left with lingering confusion and questions about this situation.

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well?

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

Having never planned a wedding before I'm totally lost on what is "normal" for a rehearsal dinner.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

1. Tradition doesn't matter, you and your FI could have planned and paid for it and avoided any of this.  Still might be worth it if more drama is coming.  My FI's parents said they would pay but they don't live locally and asked us to figure it all out. We picked the restaurant (though gave them options), set time, invites, etc.

2. Family + bridal party + SOs it totally fine. Out of towners are not required. I think it is a little weird they are excluding family since your FI has siblings!

3. They should be hosted and not have to pay separately for their drinks regardless of if they choose alcoholic or non.

4. I think some would say this is where you just pay for it all vs trying to figure out splitting the bill.  I guess you could call the restaurant and see if there is a way to split it out but that may not be possible or it could be forgotten at the RD so then what do you do?

southernbelle0915

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice.

1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky.
2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it.
3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered.
4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill.

You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent.

I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

lyndausvi

In my family it's typical to invite siblings and their families even if they are not in the WP.  That does vary, but I think it's odd your FFIL excluded their own kids.    But that's just me.

Separating out the bill between food and beverage should not be an issue.  Just contact the venue and let them know.   It will be a hell of a lot easier than splitting out the alcoholic drinks by everyone in the group.

Maggie0829

BrinkyDink16 said:

At the beginning of our wedding planning my FFIL told me that he would cover the rehearsal dinner.  We just needed to let him know when and where it would be.  Traditionally, that's what the grooms family does and while I thought it odd that they left picking a location and planning it up to us I just figured they were being nice.

We made our guest list, picked our location, and told the FILs.  That's when shit started to go downhill.  They didn't like the location because it had a couple bad google reviews.  They didn't like the guest list because we made it bridal party, immediate family, and any significant others (like, REAL significant others not just a random date.)  They didn't want the SOs invited, they didn't understand why our bridal party was so big, etc.  I lost my cool and told my FH that if they didn't like what we were planning then they could cancel the reservation and plan it themselves like they should have done all along.

FH worked it out where now the guest list is just parents, bridal party, and bridal party SOs.  But the problem remains the bill.  FFIL said that while he's picking up the bill he won't be paying for alcohol.  The guests are expected to pay for their own, even me and FH. Now, this is not a fancy or expensive restaurant.  In fact it's like down home food and cheap drinks.  I think a glass of wine there is $3 - $4.  With cutting out immediate family except parents we're down to less than 30 guests for the dinner and we're all ordering off the menu.  At most I think people might have one or two drinks and it would probably just be beer or wine.  

When I was speaking to my parents about it my father was apalled at the thought of making bridal party members pay for their own drinks.  He said, and my mother agreed, that the rehearsal dinner is a thank you to the bridal party and there was no way he'd let this happen so he said I need to call the restaurant and let them know that food and non-alcoholic drinks are to go on one tab, and alcohol is to go on another that he will pay for.  Obviously, I'm grateful to my father because I was also flustered about FFIL not paying for the alcohol.  But I'm left with lingering confusion and questions about this situation.

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well? Yes.  It is great that they offered, but it is not their duty to do so.  And really you should have worked with them when planning the RD, not just do whatever you wanted.  You were basically spending their money without even running things by them.  And yeah they may have said "do whatever" but it is still always a smart thing to run the plans by the people footing the bill.

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?  No not all OOT guests are typically invited.  It is a nice gesture but not required.  Typically a rehearsal is for whoever is actually involved in the rehearsal and their SOs.  Usually immediate family members are invited as well even if they aren't included in the ceremony.  But again, this is something that you should have discussed with your ILs.

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?  No this is not normal.  I agree with your Dad's plan about making sure that the restaurant knows that any alcoholic drinks purchased should go on your tab.

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?  I would have your Father deal directly with the restaurant.  If your FFIL asks just tell him the truth, that you thought it would be rude to make people pay for their own drinks.  If he gets pissy, oh well.

Having never planned a wedding before I'm totally lost on what is "normal" for a rehearsal dinner.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

Just keep in mind if your ILs ever offer to pay for anything again, to work with them on the plans if they want you to plan things.  Don't just do whatever you want and then drop it in their laps.  People generally don't like having their money spent without some knowledge of what is going on.

ETA:  I will say a dry RD is perfectly acceptable.  However, this gets very difficult if you are at a location that has a bar nearby and alcohol listed on the menu.  So if you do have a dry RD then you need special menus made up to state specifically what is being hosted.  Then if the guests have to have a glass of wine, the cost is on them.  But even with that, being okay etiquette wise, I would not be comfortable letting guests pay for anything

BrinkyDink16

Maggie0829 said:

.

Just keep in mind if your ILs ever offer to pay for anything again, to work with them on the plans if they want you to plan things.  Don't just do whatever you want and then drop it in their laps.  People generally don't like having their money spent without some knowledge of what is going on.

I've certainly learned that now, but that's what they told us to do!  That's what was so frustrating that we were told to just let them know when it was all set up.  We did exactly what they said and that still caused an issue!  That part of it is a moot point now but good for future reference if they ever offer to pay for anything else.

OliveOilsMom

BrinkyDink16 said:

At the beginning of our wedding planning my FFIL told me that he would cover the rehearsal dinner.  We just needed to let him know when and where it would be.  Traditionally, that's what the grooms family does and while I thought it odd that they left picking a location and planning it up to us I just figured they were being nice.

We made our guest list, picked our location, and told the FILs.  That's when shit started to go downhill.  They didn't like the location because it had a couple bad google reviews.  They didn't like the guest list because we made it bridal party, immediate family, and any significant others (like, REAL significant others not just a random date.)  They didn't want the SOs invited, they didn't understand why our bridal party was so big, etc.  I lost my cool and told my FH that if they didn't like what we were planning then they could cancel the reservation and plan it themselves like they should have done all along.

FH worked it out where now the guest list is just parents, bridal party, and bridal party SOs.  But the problem remains the bill.  FFIL said that while he's picking up the bill he won't be paying for alcohol.  The guests are expected to pay for their own, even me and FH. Now, this is not a fancy or expensive restaurant.  In fact it's like down home food and cheap drinks.  I think a glass of wine there is $3 - $4.  With cutting out immediate family except parents we're down to less than 30 guests for the dinner and we're all ordering off the menu.  At most I think people might have one or two drinks and it would probably just be beer or wine.  

When I was speaking to my parents about it my father was apalled at the thought of making bridal party members pay for their own drinks.  He said, and my mother agreed, that the rehearsal dinner is a thank you to the bridal party and there was no way he'd let this happen so he said I need to call the restaurant and let them know that food and non-alcoholic drinks are to go on one tab, and alcohol is to go on another that he will pay for.  Obviously, I'm grateful to my father because I was also flustered about FFIL not paying for the alcohol.  But I'm left with lingering confusion and questions about this situation.

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well?

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

Having never planned a wedding before I'm totally lost on what is "normal" for a rehearsal dinner.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

When your FILs wanted to give you the reigns to plan, you should have asked them for a budget.  Then you could have potentially found something in their price range that could have had all people from your original list.

I find it weird that your ILs don't want their own kids at the RD.  Your list was not outrageous, but perhaps the cost pp (to them) is. 

For our wedding, H & I planned to pay for the RD ourselves.  My parents said they would pay, but we decided to split the bill with them and we paid for the food and my parents paid for drinks, tax, and gratuity.  So I don't think your dad paying for the alcohol bill is that bad, but FILs should be given a heads up about that by your FI.

As an FYI: It is nice to include OOT guests at your RD but it is not necessary.

Maggie0829

BrinkyDink16 said:

Maggie0829 said:

.

Just keep in mind if your ILs ever offer to pay for anything again, to work with them on the plans if they want you to plan things.  Don't just do whatever you want and then drop it in their laps.  People generally don't like having their money spent without some knowledge of what is going on.

I've certainly learned that now, but that's what they told us to do!  That's what was so frustrating that we were told to just let them know when it was all set up.  We did exactly what they said and that still caused an issue!  That part of it is a moot point now but good for future reference if they ever offer to pay for anything else.

I know.  That is very frustrating.  But just from personal experience I have learned to just fill people in as I go.  I would rather cover my ass then just be like "Hey it is going to cost you $X, yay!"

Jen4948

BrinkyDink16 said:

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well?

Actually, there is no "tradition" that either set of parents pay for a rehearsal dinner. Anyone can offer, but you will have to accept any strings attached if you want to accept the offers.

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?

Wrong. A rehearsal dinner is only necessary if there is a rehearsal that the wedding party is required to participate in. If that's the case, then at a minimum, it needs to include the couple immediate family, and all bridal party members, along with everyone's SOs. It is optional whether anyone else, including out-of-town guests, are invited, but if anyone else is, they must be invited to the wedding along with their SO, who must also be invited to the rehearsal dinner.

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?

No. Rehearsal dinners are hosted events and it is not acceptable to expect guests to pay their own way. That said, the hosts are allowed to host a dry dinner or a limited-bar dinner provided that the policy applies to everyone at the dinner. It would be very rude for some guests to have their drinks paid for while others don't.

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

No. If your FILs don't want to pay for alcohol, you and the other guests need to respect that. If getting drinks is so important, then I'd do so after the rehearsal dinner on your own time.

BrinkyDink16

southernbelle0915 said:

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice. 1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky. 2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it. 3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered. 4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill. You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent. I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

I didn't want an RD.  FILs did and since FIL offered FH decided we should take him up on it.  Also, I asked for advice, not be insulted.  

Jen4948

BrinkyDink16 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice.

1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky.
2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it.
3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered.
4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill.

You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent.

I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

I didn't want an RD.  FILs did and since FIL offered FH decided we should take him up on it.  Also, I asked for advice, not be insulted.  

"Host it yourself" is advice.

You're not allowed to tell others how to post.

southernbelle0915

BrinkyDink16 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice.

1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky.
2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it.
3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered.
4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill.

You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent.

I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

I didn't want an RD.  FILs did and since FIL offered FH decided we should take him up on it.  Also, I asked for advice, not be insulted.  

My entire post is advice.

TrixieJess

BrinkyDink16 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice. 1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky. 2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it. 3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered. 4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill. You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent. I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

I didn't want an RD.  FILs did and since FIL offered FH decided we should take him up on it.  Also, I asked for advice, not be insulted.  

You can say no. Are you having a rehearsal? If you are, then you are required to host some sort of dinner. If you are not, then you can say, thank you, but no thank you. 

You come on these boards and spew incorrect opinion as fact, then when you ask for advice and you get some very good yet blunt advice, you pout when someone calls you on your shit.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Jen4948 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Tradition and etiquette are not the same thing, so since this is on the etiquette board, I will give you etiquette advice. 1) The RD is the full responsibility of the B&G. Paying and planning. If they (or anyone else) offers to help you, consider yourself lucky. 2) Technically, it's only who you ask to be at the rehearsal plus their SOs (because the RD is supposed to be a "thanks for coming to the rehearsal"). Immediate family is also invited. Out of towners are definitely not necessary, but nice if you can afford it. 3) No. If alcohol isn't hosted, it shouldn't be offered. 4) you should call the restaurant manager ahead of time and tell them to separate alcohol. Remind them of the arrangement when you arrive and point out your dad as the one who should get the bill. You should tell your FFIL of the arrangement. Just be transparent. I have to say you sound SUPER entitled and spoiled in this post. No one owes you anything. If you want a RD, host it yourself. And if someone offers to help you host 30 people for dinner, you should be saying "thank you!" not "more! we want more!"

I didn't want an RD.  FILs did and since FIL offered FH decided we should take him up on it.  Also, I asked for advice, not be insulted.  

"Host it yourself" is advice. You're not allowed to tell others how to post.

Well she does love telling grown adults what to do, after all all guests to her wedding HAVE to wear Halloween costumes.

[Deleted User]

BrinkyDink16 said:

At the beginning of our wedding planning my FFIL told me that he would cover the rehearsal dinner.  We just needed to let him know when and where it would be.  Traditionally, that's what the grooms family does and while I thought it odd that they left picking a location and planning it up to us I just figured they were being nice.

We made our guest list, picked our location, and told the FILs.  That's when shit started to go downhill.  They didn't like the location because it had a couple bad google reviews.  They didn't like the guest list because we made it bridal party, immediate family, and any significant others (like, REAL significant others not just a random date.)  They didn't want the SOs invited, they didn't understand why our bridal party was so big, etc.  I lost my cool and told my FH that if they didn't like what we were planning then they could cancel the reservation and plan it themselves like they should have done all along.

FH worked it out where now the guest list is just parents, bridal party, and bridal party SOs.  But the problem remains the bill.  FFIL said that while he's picking up the bill he won't be paying for alcohol.  The guests are expected to pay for their own, even me and FH. Now, this is not a fancy or expensive restaurant.  In fact it's like down home food and cheap drinks.  I think a glass of wine there is $3 - $4.  With cutting out immediate family except parents we're down to less than 30 guests for the dinner and we're all ordering off the menu.  At most I think people might have one or two drinks and it would probably just be beer or wine.  

When I was speaking to my parents about it my father was apalled at the thought of making bridal party members pay for their own drinks.  He said, and my mother agreed, that the rehearsal dinner is a thank you to the bridal party and there was no way he'd let this happen so he said I need to call the restaurant and let them know that food and non-alcoholic drinks are to go on one tab, and alcohol is to go on another that he will pay for.  Obviously, I'm grateful to my father because I was also flustered about FFIL not paying for the alcohol.  But I'm left with lingering confusion and questions about this situation.

1. Was I wrong to think that traditionally the groom's parents not only pay for the rehearsal dinner but plan it as well?

You were wrong to assume that a very antiquated tradition was a given. Because your FI's parents offered to pay for the dinner, their involvement in planning would be up to them. If they said "just do whatever," then technically you were not wrong, but as PPs have said, it would have been better to keep them in the loop. That ship has sailed, so like you said, just keep it in mind in the future.

2. Who is traditionally invited to a rehearsal dinner?  Was our original list, which included FH's sisters with their spouses and children too many?  Because I thought that if you really want to get technical all out-of-towners were invited as well?

I think your original guest list was fine, and it is weird that your FI's parents want to exclude their other children, but it is their prerogative.

3. Is it normal for bridal party members to have to pay for their own drinks at a rehearsal dinner?

No, it's not normal at all. Like a reception, the dinner should be fully hosted. If drinks are not paid for, they should not be offered.

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

Your FI should tell his parents that your father will be covering the cost of alcohol, so they are not surprised (and hopefully don't make a scene). The restaurant should not have a problem with it at all, but you should give them a heads up. Personally, if I were your father, I might get up and give money to the waiter or bartender rather than accept a separate check at the table, but I don't think it matters and I doubt anyone would notice either way.

Having never planned a wedding before I'm totally lost on what is "normal" for a rehearsal dinner.  Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

SP29

Agree with the above.

The groom's parents hosting the RD is an antiquated tradition, not etiquette. Technically, it's on the B&G to host (if there is a rehearsal), but if offered, great. However, it would be best to determine a budget or how many guests and what type of dinner the hosts are willing to provide.

At it's very base, the RD only needs to include those involved with the rehearsal plus SOs. Anyone else is a bonus. B&Gs will often host OOT guests, but that is never required. So it's fine for your ILs to want a smaller guest list (with SOs of course).

It would also be fine to have a dry RD, however alcohol then should not be available as an option.

I think it's fine for your dad to cover the alcohol. That shouldn't be too much of an issue to separate for the restaurant, as long as they know beforehand. I would have your dad go up to the register to pay the tab at the end of the night.

mollybarker11

abcdevonn said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

4. How should we handle my father picking up the alcohol tab?  Should he go up and discreetly pay at the bar?  Should he have them bring him the check to the table and just be honest should FFIL ask what it is?

Your FI should tell his parents that your father will be covering the cost of alcohol, so they are not surprised (and hopefully don't make a scene). The restaurant should not have a problem with it at all, but you should give them a heads up. Personally, if I were your father, I might get up and give money to the waiter or bartender rather than accept a separate check at the table, but I don't think it matters and I doubt anyone would notice either way.

Yes, definitely inform FFIL of the situation. If he thinks it's going to be an alcohol-free dinner I assume he would inform the guests either "hey, no booze" or "hey, you're paying for your own booze". Since alcohol is being covered by your father there's no need to inform the guests of anything. It would be very uncomfortable for everyone if FFIL tells the guests he's not covering the bar tab and then your father announces that he will.

I also doubt anyone would notice or care about two separate bills coming to the table (for all they'd know it's a 50/50 split), but whatever the fathers want to do is fine.

[Deleted User]

Just pay for it yourself and be done and over with this mess.

banana468

I think what your dad is doing is fine.   But if I were your FI I'd tell him that the drinks are now covered.

I'm with you that I don't think it's fair that they pulled a bait and switch.   I assume you'd never invite FIL over your house and then tell him that he has to pay for any beers he drinks.   Frankly I think it's pretty crappy anytime people treat alcohol as an extra. 

marie2785

Paying separately for the bar tab is normal. I used to work at an organization that would pay for employees lunch (and sodas) at business lunches, but due to company rules was never allowed to cover alcohol. It was a fire-able offense to put alcohol on the company card. Not once was a waiter or waitress surprised or confused when we said to please put alcohol on a separate bill. Often our boss would cover 1 drink for everyone, so we'd have a food budget on the company card, and a drink budget on the boss' credit card. So you can easily pay for everyone's wine and beer.

lyndausvi

marie2785 said:

Paying separately for the bar tab is normal. I used to work at an organization that would pay for employees lunch (and sodas) at business lunches, but due to company rules was never allowed to cover alcohol. It was a fire-able offense to put alcohol on the company card. Not once was a waiter or waitress surprised or confused when we said to please put alcohol on a separate bill. Often our boss would cover 1 drink for everyone, so we'd have a food budget on the company card, and a drink budget on the boss' credit card. So you can easily pay for everyone's wine and beer.

As far as the restaurant goes this should be a non-issue.   Splitting checks is common.  Splitting between alcohol and everything else is actually one of the easier ways to split checks.

snowywinter

I see no problem in splitting the check between food and drinks (I wouldn't split it between alcohol and non-alcohol, however) and I think you need to let your future in-laws know about this arrangement in advance. They might be embarrassed and insulted the night of if they don't know that your folks are picking up the drinks.

Secondly, it is an old, tired tradition that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. Part of the reason it used to be that way was because people were getting married much younger than they are today. How do you think a 20-year-old groom and his 19-year-old bride could afford to pay for a wedding? Most often, they couldn't, so parents' picked up the bill. There's nothing wrong with staying loyal to tradition, but just know that that isn't the way it is anymore. Most  couples pay for their own wedding and rehearsal dinner while parents now save up for retirement as the couples are usually older and so are the parents. Your future in-laws offered to pay, which is great. It's a gift! But then, that means you need to be respectful of such a gift and not spend money that isn't yours. They should have had some say in where it is, how big the guest list is, what's on the menu, and what ISN'T on the menu (like alcohol). Even if they said it was up to you to plan, the courteous thing to do would be to run a few places by them and/or ask for a budget. All that is done and over, but you should be gracious that they agreed to the place you picked and not be so upset that they draw the line at alcohol. A glass of wine is only $3-4? Fine, then you and your fiance pay the $3-4 dollars for a party of 30, all of whom may very well have two or three glasses instead of criticizing your future in-laws for not wanting to pay for it. Don't forget that while you're starting your life together, they've raised their children, possibly paid for their college, and at this point in their lives, they're likely wanting to save for THEM, for a cruise they want to take, a trip around the world, or even retirement. Offering to pay for the RD was a gift they're giving to you, not a requirement they have to fulfill. Treat it as such.