Addressing Non-Married Invitations

dreamsinpink

Calling all etiquette knotties!

This has been a long debated topic between my fiancé and I, and we have yet to come up with the actual etiquette for this... Just for ease, we will call the two guests Joe Jones and Sally Smith. (by the way, it took me way to long to come up with two fake names.. this green tea is not strong enough.)

So Joe Jones and Sally Smith have been in a relationship for a while and live together (unmarried). We are friends with Joe Jones and know that he will, more than likely, bring Sally Smith as his guest. Question is, do we address the invitation to Joe Jones and Sally Smith or do we address it Joe Jones and Guest? Is that offensive to people?

So! What is the proper etiquette here? Married couples get both their names on the invite while unmarried get their name and guest? Or do you still address to both people?? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

*Edit- it looks like we are stressing a lot over just one couple. For the record, out of the 300 invitations we are sending, about 150 of them will have this sort of situation going on. Just using one fake couple as an example.

Maggie0829

Ms. Sally Smith

Mr. Joe Jones

1234 Sesame Street Lane

Bird Bird, FL 54321

Maggie0829

The only time you use "and Guest" is when you are giving a truly single person a plus one.  To use it when you know the name of the SO is incredibly rude.

Casadena

You should address all significant others by name.  The only time you use "and guest" is when you know someone is truly single and you'd like to invite them to bring someone if they wish. 

dreamsinpink

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

jacques27

People in relationships are always addressed by name on the invitation.  "And guest" is used only for truly single people whom you are giving a "+1" to be determined later at their discretion.  To put "and guest" when you know they are in a relationship is offensive. 

Address it as Maggie suggests.

Maggie0829

dreamsinpink said:

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

Then typically only the one main person (the one that would have gotten an invite whether or not they were in a relationship) would still come to the wedding while the other would not.  Of course both could still come if they broke up.  But yeah, you should never address invites because of "what ifs."

kaos16

dreamsinpink said:

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

If they were to split up and you had addressed it to John Jones and guest he could now bring his fling of the week, BFF, dog groomer, whomever he chooses.

Either way it is unbelievably rude to refer to Sally Smith as "guest" when you know her name.  I feel like that's equivalent to passing someone you know to be named Cathy Clark on the street and addressing her as "hey you" 

jacques27

dreamsinpink said:

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

Or what if YOU break up and now have all these invitations sent out to people expecting a party?!?

You deal with the "what if's" if they actually happen - you shouldn't pre-emptively be offensive and exclude the names of significant others from the invitation on the premise that things might happen.  They might die, too.  They might turn out to be kingpins in a huge drug smuggling operation and be in prison by the time your wedding comes up.  All sorts of things might happen.

[Deleted User]

jacques27 said:

dreamsinpink said:

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

Or what if YOU break up and now have all these invitations sent out to people expecting a party?!?

You deal with the "what if's" if they actually happen - you shouldn't pre-emptively be offensive and exclude the names of significant others from the invitation on the premise that things might happen.  They might die, too.  They might turn out to be kingpins in a huge drug smuggling operation and be in prison by the time your wedding comes up.  All sorts of things might happen.

Yes.  This.  You should not invite anybody to your wedding because they might die.

dreamsinpink

That's what I was thinking too. It will save us a lot of money.

So, other than not putting guest on the invitation to someone in a relationship because it is incredibly offensive, it truly is "proper" etiquette? Not just about hurt feelings? We have a lot of judgmental judies in our families so I was curious of the formal etiquette.

bethsmiles

dreamsinpink said:

That's what I was thinking too. It will save us a lot of money.

So, other than not putting guest on the invitation to someone in a relationship because it is incredibly offensive, it truly is "proper" etiquette? Not just about hurt feelings? We have a lot of judgmental judies in our families so I was curious of the formal etiquette.

The whole point of etiquette is to not hurt feelings and make people comfortable, so yes it is correct etiquette. If your family is really judgmental when it comes to etiquette they will absolutely judge you for using "and guest". My FI's family isn't at all into etiquette and even they were raising their eyebrows when FI got a wedding invitation addressed to FI and guest.

southernbelle0915

Maggie0829 said:

Ms. Sally Smith

Mr. Joe Jones

1234 Sesame Street Lane

Bird Bird, FL 54321

This.

aurianna

dreamsinpink said:

That was my argument! My fiancés argument was "what if they break up?" I guess the exact same logic could be used for married couples, what if they get divorced?

Odds of their broking up in the 4-8 weeks prior to your wedding when you send out the invites are pretty low.
As they are a couple at the time the invites go out, that means they both need to be invited by name.

I have a friend whose fiancee was put on the invite "as guest." These guys aren't even that up on etiquette... but boy was his fiancee pissed.

[Deleted User]

dreamsinpink said:

That's what I was thinking too. It will save us a lot of money.

So, other than not putting guest on the invitation to someone in a relationship because it is incredibly offensive, it truly is "proper" etiquette? Not just about hurt feelings? We have a lot of judgmental judies in our families so I was curious of the formal etiquette.

The first and only rule of etiquette is "Don't be an Asshole."  That's it.  If you have any questions, ask.  "Judy, I know you and John have only been dating for a few months, but I was wondering if you consider him your boyfriend and if you'd like him included by name on your wedding invitation.  Oh, you're not sure if you're in that place in your relationship yet?  Well, that's fine.  I'll just give you a Plus One and you can decide if you want to bring him, someone else, or nobody at all."

Knottie67868874

Wait so do we put the name of the SO on the outer envelope when we only really know the person who's address it is? I was planning on putting Joe Jones/address on outer envelope, then Joe jones and Sally smith on the inner envelope.

SP29

Always address guests by name, if you are inviting a specific person.

"and guest" is only given to truly single guests, and means they can bring ANYBODY. So, if you sent the invite to Joe and guest, even though he's dating Sally, he could then decide if she can't come that he's going to bring his college roommate instead. If you invite Joe and Sally, it is only for those two, and if Sally can't come, only Joe will.

Yes, addressing all guests (including SOs) by name IS proper etiquette. Married couples are written as Mr. and Mrs. Joe Jones, or Joe and Sally Jones (the big thing here is the "and"), both on the same line.

If they are not married, you would write out both names, no "and", and put them on separate lines.

@Knottie67868874 The outer envelope is for the mailman, and only needs to be addressed to the person who would receive the mail. The inner envelope lists all guests the invitation is for. So for example, if you invite a family with 3 children, you don't need to put 5 names on the outer envelope, along with their address. The outer could have only one adults name, and then the inner envelope lists everyone.

(P.S. I wish new members would choose their own screen name versus the hundreds of Knottie #s so we know who we are talking to and it's easier to reply).