Inviting the SO of a teen?

[Deleted User]

We have not sent out STDs or invites yet, but the guest list is at the venue's max as it stands (Yes, we included FI, myself, and vendors). My mom recently let me know that while talking to a family friend about the wedding, she asked if her teenage daughter's boyfriend was going to be invited too. I know to always invite social/family units, but do we need to include a 17 year old's SO if she is invited as part of a family unit and would be coming with her parents/siblings and not on her own?  I was not aware that there even was an SO before today, but I want to make sure I am not being rude.

ETF words

JaxInBlue

If your StDs and invites haven't gone out yet, I'd guess that means you have at least a few months until your wedding.  Does that mean that the now-17 year old will be 18 by the wedding?  That, I think, would make it more complicated since she is technically an adult and would need to be invited with her own invitation.  In that case, I'd argue he needs to be treated as are all other SOs.

If she will not be 18 by the time invitations are issued, I don't think you are obligated to invite the BF.  It's nice if you can, particularly if the parents have not expressed reservations or concerns about being responsible for him, and I might make a note that he is around so that if you know by invitation time you have some wiggle room in your guest list, you could consider including him. 

I'd also add the this is a good reminder about why it's nice to give yourself (generally) some guest list flexibility - single guests may not stay single between when you write your list and when you send invitations.  It can be better to plan for that change than to find yourself worried about finding room for now-SOs.

aliwis000

I am not sure what others will say but if she is still age 17 at the time of the wedding you do not have to invite the boyfriend.

Others might disagree but I would also say even if she is 18 at the time of the wedding if she is still in high school I would probably not invite her SO either.

After that she would get her own invite and yes a boyfriend would have to be included at that point.

Viczaesar

kdg756453425 said:

We have not sent out STDs or invites yet, but the guest list is at the venue's max as it stands (Yes, we included FI, myself, and vendors). My mom recently let me know that while talking to a family friend about the wedding, she asked if her teenage daughter's boyfriend was going to be invited too. I know to always invite social/family units, but do we need to include a 17 year old's SO if she is invited as part of a family unit and would be coming with her parents/siblings and not on her own?  I was not aware that there even was an SO before today, but I want to make sure I am not being rude.

ETF words

You do not need to invite the SOs of underage guests, though it's a nice gesture if it's a local wedding.  More concerning to me is the fact that you say your guest list is at the venue's max and you haven't sent STDs out yet, indicating that your wedding is at least 6 months away.  What are you going to do if one of your adult guests gets a SO between now and the wedding?

[Deleted User]

JaxInBlue said:

If your StDs and invites haven't gone out yet, I'd guess that means you have at least a few months until your wedding.  Does that mean that the now-17 year old will be 18 by the wedding?  That, I think, would make it more complicated since she is technically an adult and would need to be invited with her own invitation.  In that case, I'd argue he needs to be treated as are all other SOs.

If she will not be 18 by the time invitations are issued, I don't think you are obligated to invite the BF.  It's nice if you can, particularly if the parents have not expressed reservations or concerns about being responsible for him, and I might make a note that he is around so that if you know by invitation time you have some wiggle room in your guest list, you could consider including him. 

I'd also add the this is a good reminder about why it's nice to give yourself (generally) some guest list flexibility - single guests may not stay single between when you write your list and when you send invitations.  It can be better to plan for that change than to find yourself worried about finding room for now-SOs.

Thanks! She just turned 17, so she will not be 18 at the wedding. We already included a +1 in the list for all of the single adults just in case, but it just never occurred to me to include the SOs of our guests' children. I feel bad because apparently they have been dating for a while, but I barely know the teen so I had no idea.

ShesSoCold

You don't HAVE to invite him, but it would be really, really nice if you could. But if you are literally at your max, I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe try to avoid the question for now and see if you have the space when invites go out, if someone else is single.

AddieCake

I know I'm in the minority on this one, but I'm team yes for this.

hellohkb

AddieCake said:

I know I'm in the minority on this one, but I'm team yes for this.

I agree with Addie. I'd try and find space for him if you could.

photokitty

I would only invite a minor's SO, assuming I wanted to and had room at the venue and in my budget, after talking to the minor's parents. Inviting the SO of a minor could cause drama of the parents don't wish to bring another minor that they would be responsible for.

We asked my SIL if we should invite DH's nephew's SO, he was 16. SIL requested that we not invite her as they did not want to bring her and if we included her on the invite nephew would of course want to bring her. Since they were the adults, we respected their request.

[Deleted User]

aliwis000 said:

I am not sure what others will say but if she is still age 17 at the time of the wedding you do not have to invite the boyfriend.

Others might disagree but I would also say even if she is 18 at the time of the wedding if she is still in high school I would probably not invite her SO either.

After that she would get her own invite and yes a boyfriend would have to be included at that point.

I agree with this, if the daughter is still in high school at the time of the wedding and is not living out on her own, then you can politely advise them that unfortunately you aren't able to include him.

Casadena

I definitely don't think you have to invite him.

ashtsb

Fiance has a cousin who will be 18 at the time of wedding (she is 17 now). I knew she had a boyfriend and didn't give much thought about it til FMIL reminded me when we were doing guest count. Apperantly fiance's cousin's BF is considered family and they would want to come together. Not saying this is your case, but I would ask the parents how they feel, maybe they consider him almost a son?

Jen4948

No, you don't have to.  Certainly, though, if you don't mind doing it and have space to do so, then it would be a nice thing to do.

julieanne912

One suggestion I have is to not send STDs to everyone.  I did, and wish I hadn't because now at this point, there's some people I wish I could have removed from the guest list, and some people I now wish I could have invited (ie our new neighbors that we hang out with at least 2 times a month, but barely knew when we sent STDs), but can't because we're at our max that the venue will hold.  

There were also some relationship changes between the time we did the STDs and the invites, so that put us in an awkward spot (ie my cousin and his GF of 20 years broke up, but now he has a new GF and wants to bring her and her kid).  I also quit one job and started another one, but had sent STDs to people from the old job that I now haven't heard from since I left the job in June.  Hopefully those people will just decline but you never know... and I can't "replace" them if they do decline.

If I could do it again I'd just send them to people who have to travel.

groomguy87

I dont think you are under any obligation to and if you are already at your max then that makes it much easier to just say you cannot accomodate the boyfriend.

MGP

photokitty said:

I would only invite a minor's SO, assuming I wanted to and had room at the venue and in my budget, after talking to the minor's parents. Inviting the SO of a minor could cause drama of the parents don't wish to bring another minor that they would be responsible for. We asked my SIL if we should invite DH's nephew's SO, he was 16. SIL requested that we not invite her as they did not want to bring her and if we included her on the invite nephew would of course want to bring her. Since they were the adults, we respected their request.

This 1000%.  We say that you should never judge the seriousness of other people's relationships and I agree with that, even with minors.  But as a parent my child and their SO are still my responsibility if they are with me.  A local wedding would probably not be a big deal, but not asking first would create all kind of issues if there was travel involved.  

When I was under 18 I would have loved to bring whatever boyfriend I had at the time to many of the out of town weddings I attended because VACATION!  TRAVELING TOGETHER!  But an SO invite was never offered, not sure if that was at the request of my parents or not, and it's fine if it was because they are good parents.

[Deleted User]

When I was a teenager, I never expected to be invited to a wedding with my SO. As PPs have mentioned, it's a nice gesture if your wedding is local and you can afford it/have the space, but if not, I wouldn't sweat it. I dated my SO (now FI) throughout my entire teenage years, and he came to other family events (like holidays), but not weddings. 

SP29

julieanne912 said:

One suggestion I have is to not send STDs to everyone.  I did, and wish I hadn't because now at this point, there's some people I wish I could have removed from the guest list, and some people I now wish I could have invited ), but can't because we're at our max that the venue will hold.  

  In general (for lurkers too), this ^^^! This is why it is recommended not to invite to your capacity, whether that be budget or space, because relationships can quickly change.

OP- You are not required to invite the SO of a minor, but it would be a nice gesture, if the parents are OK with it.

I married my high school boyfriend, so, you know . But I also wouldn't have expected to be invited to everything with him either.

I think this is *one* of those instances where if you have declines you could extend the offer to the teen to bring her boyfriend (if it's OK with the parents). Different from B-listing, because the BF isn't YOUR guest you are waiting for declines to invite, nor are you required to, it's being done as a courtesy to the teen guest.

[Deleted User]

julieanne912 said:

One suggestion I have is to not send STDs to everyone.  I did, and wish I hadn't because now at this point, there's some people I wish I could have removed from the guest list, and some people I now wish I could have invited (ie our new neighbors that we hang out with at least 2 times a month, but barely knew when we sent STDs), but can't because we're at our max that the venue will hold.  

There were also some relationship changes between the time we did the STDs and the invites, so that put us in an awkward spot (ie my cousin and his GF of 20 years broke up, but now he has a new GF and wants to bring her and her kid).  I also quit one job and started another one, but had sent STDs to people from the old job that I now haven't heard from since I left the job in June.  Hopefully those people will just decline but you never know... and I can't "replace" them if they do decline.

If I could do it again I'd just send them to people who have to travel.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this... Especially grateful for this ^^^! I just changed jobs as well and have many people from my old job on the list, but you make a great point - I think I'll be sending STDs to family only instead of all.

Also, I spoke to the girl's mom and she wants the SO to come (apparently they take him pretty much everywhere anyway). I told her I would try but it depended on our numbers and I would let her know if we could or not closer to sending out the invites. She was super understanding about numbers and said she appreciated us trying to fit him in.

lyndausvi

julieanne912 said:

One suggestion I have is to not send STDs to everyone.  I did, and wish I hadn't because now at this point, there's some people I wish I could have removed from the guest list, and some people I now wish I could have invited (ie our new neighbors that we hang out with at least 2 times a month, but barely knew when we sent STDs), but can't because we're at our max that the venue will hold.  

There were also some relationship changes between the time we did the STDs and the invites, so that put us in an awkward spot (ie my cousin and his GF of 20 years broke up, but now he has a new GF and wants to bring her and her kid).  I also quit one job and started another one, but had sent STDs to people from the old job that I now haven't heard from since I left the job in June.  Hopefully those people will just decline but you never know... and I can't "replace" them if they do decline.

If I could do it again I'd just send them to people who have to travel.

This a million times.    It's amazing how many people get in "trouble" over STDs.   I feel like they are more of a problem then a help for a lot of people.    

julieanne912

lyndausvi said:

julieanne912 said:

One suggestion I have is to not send STDs to everyone.  I did, and wish I hadn't because now at this point, there's some people I wish I could have removed from the guest list, and some people I now wish I could have invited (ie our new neighbors that we hang out with at least 2 times a month, but barely knew when we sent STDs), but can't because we're at our max that the venue will hold.  

There were also some relationship changes between the time we did the STDs and the invites, so that put us in an awkward spot (ie my cousin and his GF of 20 years broke up, but now he has a new GF and wants to bring her and her kid).  I also quit one job and started another one, but had sent STDs to people from the old job that I now haven't heard from since I left the job in June.  Hopefully those people will just decline but you never know... and I can't "replace" them if they do decline.

If I could do it again I'd just send them to people who have to travel.

This a million times.    It's amazing how many people get in "trouble" over STDs.   I feel like they are more of a problem then a help for a lot of people.    

TBH I kind of just wanted to skip them.  We got engaged in Feb and the wedding is in Sept so it seemed a bit silly to do them in general.  But my MOH was super excited about making them and got all creative-like with them, so off she went.  I just addressed and mailed them.