Would you ever not go to a wedding out of principle?

jacques27

Knottie1430025803 said:

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

aurianna said:

Send your husband.
You can't find a sitter so you have to stay home with the baby.

This is what I am leaning towards, lol. Trying "very hard" to find a sitter and telling DH a few days before RSVP time I couldnt find anyone, but he should go and enjoy himself. And he can buy them a gift or just give them cash. I just want validation from other people that I'm not being wrong in getting out of this. I think it's the Fact it's PPD that makes me just think, "it's not a real wedding then. I don't want to drive all that way with our daughter for a party where people are just going to get shit faced."

You could just tell your husband the bolded as your reason for not going.

Tried that. I told him it's not really a wedding, and he didn't comprehend that/care. It's not a big deal to him if he attends a wedding and the couple is already married, or if he attends a wedding and they don't bother to actually make legal. he just shrugged his shoulders, replied that it doesn't matter but being there for his friend is important. So I'm going to go the 7hrs is too long for the baby to be in the car

I missed this when responding last night.  I disagree with PP above that you need to "get sick" and come up an excuse or that you need to come up with another tactic and use your baby as an excuse.

Your husband doesn't need to comprehend it.  If it doesn't bother him personally, that's perfectly fine.  All he needs to comprehend is that you're an autonomous adult who has a different opinion and respect that, even if he doesn't share the opinion.  He doesn't need to feel the exact same way about their PPD and rudeness as you just because you're married and you don't need to feel the exact same way as him. 

So, if it bothers you (or even if you just don't feel like attending), you as an autonomous adult who is hopefully in a marriage where the two people are partners who respect each other get to say that you'd rather sit this one out and he, also as an autonomous adult who is hopefully in a marriage where the two people are partners who respect each other, is free to drive the seven hours and attend on his own if it doesn't bother him.  You're not conjoined twins - it's not all or nothing.

SP29

For myself, depends on the relationship with the B&G. I have been to weddings with gaps, or with a cash bar, one where we traveled from OOT that had a gap and cash bar! They were friends though, and we turned their wedding into a long weekend vacation for us to see other friends too.

The 7 hour drive with a baby for a PPD with a gap and cash bar where you were listed as 'and guest'? Yeesh. I'd be tempted to decline too.

As for the registry, you can ignore that and either buy them a physical gift of your choosing or give them a cash gift of your choosing. The registry is definitely tacky, but it's also never a requirement.

Does everyone know they are already married? I'm also against PPDs, but if it's not a secret I'm more lenient.

I think if you don't want to go, then don't go. But I do think you owe your husband honesty about it. He doesn't have to "get it", as long as he can understand that you don't want to spend 7 hours driving to an event that will take up your whole weekend (I assume you'll need a hotel stay too?) and cost you money (gas and hotel, plus meals while you're gone) for someone you're not close with and don't feel respected by (the "and guest" is super rude... if the groom is really that close with your husband, how does he not know your name!??!).

Cookie Pusher

DH and I recently declined a wedding out of principle. Gap, stated dress codes (one for ceremony, a different one for reception), obvious B-listing, honeymoon fund, cash bar, outdoor ceremony in winter with no apparent backup plan or way to keep everyone warm (we were told to wear what was basically black-tie attire with lawn shoes and coats to stay warm). SO MUCH NOPE.

ETA details I was mentally blocking out

randomslove

I was invited to the wedding of my FI's ex with my FI. There was so much wrong with what they were doing as a couple (FI's ex and her then-H-- no idea if they're still married, but he was H-five) that I told him to go ahead without me, I was going to stay home.

MyNameIsNot

Can we just talk about using a swear word in the invitation? 

I know that's minor in all of the things that this couple is doing, but even I'm offended by that. And I have pretty fucking bad potty mouth. Are they seriously sending this invitation to family members?

Knottie1430025803

He knows my name. No idea why my name wasn't on the invite, I was more offended by the "shit is getting real" and the fact it's a PPD. I would think most people attending would know they are married, however they are both military and she kept her last name sooooo perhaps they don't? Nothing in the invite mentions they are. I wouldn't have guessed. I didn't even know until DH told me recently. His friend didn't tell DH they were actually married until months after they signed the papers. It was a complete "let's get married now so we can be stationed together and really get married months later." DH told me it would mean a lot to me if I come, so now I feel like I should go. He said its up to me, I just get the feeling this is all one big cash grab and PPD. But as a previous poster mentioned....cake. Cake is great.

[Deleted User]

He knows my name. No idea why my name wasn't on the invite, I was more offended by the "shit is getting real" and the fact it's a PPD. I would think most people attending would know they are married, however they are both military and she kept her last name sooooo perhaps they don't? Nothing in the invite mentions they are. I wouldn't have guessed. I didn't even know until DH told me recently. His friend didn't tell DH they were actually married until months after they signed the papers. It was a complete "let's get married now so we can be stationed together and really get married months later." DH told me it would mean a lot to me if I come, so now I feel like I should go. He said its up to me, I just get the feeling this is all one big cash grab and PPD. But as a previous poster mentioned....cake. Cake is great.

They can only grab your cash (aside what you may choose to spend on attire) if you give them your money. Dollar dance? Sit it out. Honey fund on the website? Scroll down. Honey fund bucket at the reception? Pass it by. Don't want to give a physical gift? Don't. Gifts are not required.

perdonami

I think you should go merely for the selfish reason that I would like you to report back about how much a trainwreck this wedding was. 

But, like I said, that's pretty selfish on my part. 

JellyBean52513

MyNameIsNot said:

Can we just talk about using a swear word in the invitation? 

I know that's minor in all of the things that this couple is doing, but even I'm offended by that. And I have pretty fucking bad potty mouth. Are they seriously sending this invitation to family members?

Pretty popular, unfortunately

SP29

OP- Since your DH wants you there with him, I'd go, for him, not for the couple.

Agree with a PP- sit out at the dollar dance, ignore the honeyfund and give whatever gift you feel appropriate.

If the finances were in order, I would try to turn the weekend into as much about "us" as I could... a weekend vacation where we happened to also be going to a wedding. *Might* make you feel better

And yes, if you do go, report back! (And change your username to an actual screen name so we know who you are!)

charcoalandblush

It would depend on the friendship. DF is the best man in a wedding this fall breaking every rule in the book. We're way too close to the couple to skip it unless they truly disregard our safety or something really severe like that.

But another one of DF's college friends who he speaks to maybe once or twice a year had a potluck PPD a few years ago that I wish we had skipped. I had no clue what it was, DF just said "Sarah's wedding" so I assumed it was a regular wedding. Nope. They eloped 3 months ago, it was pot luck in a barn, they played the stupid shoe game, and then had a cash bar only dance at a local bar after. If I had known half of those details from the start, I would have NOPED right out of that invite.

groomguy87

As others have said it depends on relationship with the bride and groom.  Me?  I went to a family wedding where my wife (girlfriend at the time) wasn't a plus one even though we had been together over a year.  And they had a cash bar.  Was a groomsmen in a wedding last year that had a cash bar.  I still went because I valued both of those relationships.  Earlier this year we were invited to a potluck wedding for a couple I used to work with but we declined that since we're not super close with them.

In your situation I would absolutely decline.  Gap wedding that you have to travel for, and they couldnt even address you on the invitation?  No way you should be attending that.

[Deleted User]

I would go out of support of my husband and his friendship with the couple getting married.

TheCheeseWench

The 7 hour drive sucks, so I feel bad that your H is pressuring you to go. If it was local I would say it was worth going just to take tons of pics of the craptasticness! I'm with the PPs who want a play-by-play (with pics of course) of the horrors since it looks like you have to go anyway. Save the cash bar markup and take a flask. No one will notice in the midst of the rest of the tackiness

adwks

I've not gone to weddings out of principle, but more like what are you doing with your life principle rather than etiquette principles. ( They were marrying husband number 6 the day the divorce from number 5  was final, frankly I was tired of going to her weddings.) 

TheCheeseWench

Knottie1438570338 said:

I've not gone to weddings out of principle, but more like what are you doing with your life principle rather than etiquette principles. ( They were marrying husband number 6 the day the divorce from number 5  was final, frankly I was tired of going to her weddings.) 

But you could have given her one of those multi-photo frames showcasing ALL of her wedding gowns...

adwks

Too bad I didn't know about this site then! I think y'all would have given me some great gift ideas. I will say one thing though, she has great taste in wedding dresses. All the ones I saw were gorgeous.

adwks

TheCheeseWench said:

I've not gone to weddings out of principle, but more like what are you doing with your life principle rather than etiquette principles. ( They were marrying husband number 6 the day the divorce from number 5  was final, frankly I was tired of going to her weddings.) 

But you could have given her one of those multi-photo frames showcasing ALL of her wedding gowns...

---

Too bad I didn't know about this site then! I think y'all would have given me some great gift ideas. I will say one thing though, she has great taste in wedding dresses. All the ones I saw were gorgeous.

LD1970

The etiquette issue hasn't arisen for me, but when my best friend was considering marrying his hellhound girlfriend years ago (because their relationship was rocky and that would obviously fix it, ugh!), he told me that she'd have me as a bridesmaid since I was his best friend. I told him I wouldn't even be AT any such wedding because I couldn't support him marrying her.

Thankfully, he appreciates my candor and always looks to me for straight shooting advice, so he dumped the bitch instead.

[Deleted User]

Knottie1430025803 said:

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

Yup. But it wasn't so much the etiquette faux pas as it was the inconvenience of it. My cousin invited me to his wedding 18 years ago and I had just had a baby and was breast-feeding. I was invited to his wife's bridal shower but had asked if I could take my baby with me so she could be feed. The bride not only refused but made a big stink about it. So I was so mad that I refused to attend the wedding. No gift from me. This was also a Black Tie with expensive gourmet food that all my relatives said was inedible. Most of their guests left early to go get a burger because they were starving. Shockingly fast forward a year later and she filed for divorce and took everything he owned. Eighteen years and he is still trying to recover financially but I won't laugh at him. I only feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.

Jen4948

SanSmith2 said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

Yup. But it wasn't so much the etiquette faux pas as it was the inconvenience of it. My cousin invited me to his wedding 18 years ago and I had just had a baby and was breast-feeding. I was invited to his wife's bridal shower but had asked if I could take my baby with me so she could be feed. The bride not only refused but made a big stink about it. So I was so mad that I refused to attend the wedding. No gift from me. This was also a Black Tie with expensive gourmet food that all my relatives said was inedible. Most of their guests left early to go get a burger because they were starving. Shockingly fast forward a year later and she filed for divorce and took everything he owned. Eighteen years and he is still trying to recover financially but I won't laugh at him. I only feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.

If the baby wasn't invited, then breastfeeding or no, you had no right to ask if you could bring her. The only polite options you had were to accept the invitation as it came or decline it gracefully, which did not include throwing a temper tantrum.

Etiquette does not require hosts to invite an infant just because s/he is being breastfed.

TheCheeseWench

SanSmith2 said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

Yup. But it wasn't so much the etiquette faux pas as it was the inconvenience of it. My cousin invited me to his wedding 18 years ago and I had just had a baby and was breast-feeding. I was invited to his wife's bridal shower but had asked if I could take my baby with me so she could be feed. The bride not only refused but made a big stink about it. So I was so mad that I refused to attend the wedding. No gift from me. This was also a Black Tie with expensive gourmet food that all my relatives said was inedible. Most of their guests left early to go get a burger because they were starving. Shockingly fast forward a year later and she filed for divorce and took everything he owned. Eighteen years and he is still trying to recover financially but I won't laugh at him. I only feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.

While it is unfortunate that the bride responded poorly, I agree with @jen4948 . You had no right to expect to bring your baby to an adult party and also like the bride "make a stink" when not accomodated. I'm sorry, but while I support mothers who choose to breastfeed, it does not require having your kid hanging off of your breast at all times. Pump that shit and leave your little miracle at home when you go to a party, or decline. You made the decision to procreate, and knew exactly what potential hassles went along with that. Those of us who have not made the same decision still enjoy doing things with groups of adults without babies present. If I wanted to party with people who spontaneously vomit or wet themselves, I would go to a nightclub. People should not be bullied into allowing an adult gathering to be turned into a daycare with tantrums or fear of offending someone.

YogaSandy

TheCheeseWench said:

SanSmith2 said:

Knottie1430025803 said:

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

Yup. But it wasn't so much the etiquette faux pas as it was the inconvenience of it. My cousin invited me to his wedding 18 years ago and I had just had a baby and was breast-feeding. I was invited to his wife's bridal shower but had asked if I could take my baby with me so she could be feed. The bride not only refused but made a big stink about it. So I was so mad that I refused to attend the wedding. No gift from me. This was also a Black Tie with expensive gourmet food that all my relatives said was inedible. Most of their guests left early to go get a burger because they were starving. Shockingly fast forward a year later and she filed for divorce and took everything he owned. Eighteen years and he is still trying to recover financially but I won't laugh at him. I only feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.

While it is unfortunate that the bride responded poorly, I agree with @jen4948 . You had no right to expect to bring your baby to an adult party and also like the bride "make a stink" when not accomodated. I'm sorry, but while I support mothers who choose to breastfeed, it does not require having your kid hanging off of your breast at all times. Pump that shit and leave your little miracle at home when you go to a party, or decline. You made the decision to procreate, and knew exactly what potential hassles went along with that. Those of us who have not made the same decision still enjoy doing things with groups of adults without babies present. If I wanted to party with people who spontaneously vomit or wet themselves, I would go to a nightclub. People should not be bullied into allowing an adult gathering to be turned into a daycare with tantrums or fear of offending someone.

I agree 100%. Just want to add that some breastfed babies will not take a bottle. At all. DS didn't (and ate every two hours until about 14 months). But that is irrelevant to the bride. As a result, I would have stayed home. I am a firm believer that my reproductive choices are not to infringe on anyone else.

[Deleted User]

YogaSandy said:

If your husband had a friend (you have never met) who was having a wedding and breaking pretty much every etiquette rule....would you still go? Would you go solely out of support for your husband or would it not bother you if this couple was thumbing their nose at etiquette?

Yup. But it wasn't so much the etiquette faux pas as it was the inconvenience of it. My cousin invited me to his wedding 18 years ago and I had just had a baby and was breast-feeding. I was invited to his wife's bridal shower but had asked if I could take my baby with me so she could be feed. The bride not only refused but made a big stink about it. So I was so mad that I refused to attend the wedding. No gift from me. This was also a Black Tie with expensive gourmet food that all my relatives said was inedible. Most of their guests left early to go get a burger because they were starving. Shockingly fast forward a year later and she filed for divorce and took everything he owned. Eighteen years and he is still trying to recover financially but I won't laugh at him. I only feel sorry for him for being such an idiot.

While it is unfortunate that the bride responded poorly, I agree with @jen4948 . You had no right to expect to bring your baby to an adult party and also like the bride "make a stink" when not accomodated. I'm sorry, but while I support mothers who choose to breastfeed, it does not require having your kid hanging off of your breast at all times. Pump that shit and leave your little miracle at home when you go to a party, or decline. You made the decision to procreate, and knew exactly what potential hassles went along with that. Those of us who have not made the same decision still enjoy doing things with groups of adults without babies present. If I wanted to party with people who spontaneously vomit or wet themselves, I would go to a nightclub. People should not be bullied into allowing an adult gathering to be turned into a daycare with tantrums or fear of offending someone.

I agree 100%. Just want to add that some breastfed babies will not take a bottle. At all. DS didn't (and ate every two hours until about 14 months). But that is irrelevant to the bride. As a result, I would have stayed home. I am a firm believer that my reproductive choices are not to infringe on anyone else.

My sister just went back to work after maternity leave.  Her little one refused to take bottle that first day.  My mom said she ended up feeding the kid milk on a spoon.  They're going to try a sippy cup next.  Apparently my sister did the same thing as an infant, went straight from the breast to a cup.

[Deleted User]

My sister just went back to work after maternity leave.  Her little one refused to take bottle that first day.  My mom said she ended up feeding the kid milk on a spoon.  They're going to try a sippy cup next.  Apparently my sister did the same thing as an infant, went straight from the breast to a cup.

Exactly. Some kids don't take to a bottle so I asked if my husband could bring the child when she got hungry and then I would leave early if I needed to for the next feeding but she got all bent out of shape over that too. Had she been gracious about it, I probably would have gone to the wedding even if we could only have stayed for a few hours .

banana468

SanSmith2 said:

My sister just went back to work after maternity leave.  Her little one refused to take bottle that first day.  My mom said she ended up feeding the kid milk on a spoon.  They're going to try a sippy cup next.  Apparently my sister did the same thing as an infant, went straight from the breast to a cup.

Exactly. Some kids don't take to a bottle so I asked if my husband could bring the child when she got hungry and then I would leave early if I needed to for the next feeding but she got all bent out of shape over that too. Had she been gracious about it, I probably would have gone to the wedding even if we could only have stayed for a few hours .

She didn't have to though. You both behaved poorly.

Jen4948

SanSmith2 said:

My sister just went back to work after maternity leave.  Her little one refused to take bottle that first day.  My mom said she ended up feeding the kid milk on a spoon.  They're going to try a sippy cup next.  Apparently my sister did the same thing as an infant, went straight from the breast to a cup.

Exactly. Some kids don't take to a bottle so I asked if my husband could bring the child when she got hungry and then I would leave early if I needed to for the next feeding but she got all bent out of shape over that too. Had she been gracious about it, I probably would have gone to the wedding even if we could only have stayed for a few hours .

Your baby was not invited, regardless of how she takes nourishment.  That fact is not cancelled out by the bride's reaction to your request.