Just Engaged and Proposals

What if I don't like my ring?

So we're "pre-engaged". We've discussed getting engaged and have started wedding planning. We went ring shopping and I told him general things I liked and don't care for when it comes to rings.

He's having a custom ring made. It is almost finished. He wanted to keep it a surprise, but something I said prompted him to share the rendering photo with me to gauge my reaction. And... well... I'm really torn.

He disregarded everything I said I liked and instead went with his own design. It has three features I specifically said I did not want, but this was done to accommodate the overall design. The design is based on an image from one of our favorite TV shows.

It's very clever, well designed, and generally pretty, but it is definitely NOT something I can picture myself wearing every single day for the rest of our lives. It is quirky and (in my opinion) cannot be worn with all outfits or for all occasions. I almost feel like I will be more embarrassed to show it to anyone than I would be excited to show it off.

Since it is completely custom and practically finished, it cannot be changed or returned. But the stones could be reworked into something completely new, which is more traditional, but I'd imagine will be a significant cost on top of the original ring. He's said we can do this before he proposes, but he's definitely hurt by my less than enthusiastic reaction. I think if I said I did want a different ring, he'd be crushed.

On one hand, I love that he put the thought and energy into creating this custom design just for me. And if it were an ordinary gift, it was be an amazingly awesome ring. But I'm really unsure about it being our engagement ring.

Do I forget about my dream ring and wear his ring that could possibly grow on me, but isn't really something I want to wear? Or do I cause waves and ask for a different ring that I would want and like to wear?

Re: What if I don't like my ring?

  • oddlyzard said:
    So we're "pre-engaged". We've discussed getting engaged and have started wedding planning. We went ring shopping and I told him general things I liked and don't care for when it comes to rings.

    He's having a custom ring made. It is almost finished. He wanted to keep it a surprise, but something I said prompted him to share the rendering photo with me to gauge my reaction. And... well... I'm really torn.

    He disregarded everything I said I liked and instead went with his own design. It has three features I specifically said I did not want, but this was done to accommodate the overall design. The design is based on an image from one of our favorite TV shows.

    It's very clever, well designed, and generally pretty, but it is definitely NOT something I can picture myself wearing every single day for the rest of our lives. It is quirky and (in my opinion) cannot be worn with all outfits or for all occasions. I almost feel like I will be more embarrassed to show it to anyone than I would be excited to show it off.

    Since it is completely custom and practically finished, it cannot be changed or returned. But the stones could be reworked into something completely new, which is more traditional, but I'd imagine will be a significant cost on top of the original ring. He's said we can do this before he proposes, but he's definitely hurt by my less than enthusiastic reaction. I think if I said I did want a different ring, he'd be crushed.

    On one hand, I love that he put the thought and energy into creating this custom design just for me. And if it were an ordinary gift, it was be an amazingly awesome ring. But I'm really unsure about it being our engagement ring.

    Do I forget about my dream ring and wear his ring that could possibly grow on me, but isn't really something I want to wear? Or do I cause waves and ask for a different ring that I would want and like to wear?
    If you are planning a wedding then congratulations! You are already engaged! A ring does not make an engagement. That being said, this man is going to be your husband. You should be able to be honest with him about how you feel. I didn't like my ring when I first saw it, but now I couldn't picture anything else on my finger, and all that matters to me is that it is a gift from my FI that he lovingly chose.
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    DrillSergeantCat
  • We've decided we're not calling it engaged until the ring is finished (holy smokes it takes a long time for a custom design) and on my finger, but thank you! I've noticed there is some pretty hot debate around here about this sort of thing and perhaps I should have posted in the NEY section (which I didn't know existed when I originally posted).

    I'm inclined to just go with what he's designed for exactly your reasons. But the ring! It just seems crazy, quirky, and I can't imagine wearing it. The idea of a non-traditional ring was such a surprise to me. I hadn't even considered he'd go completely off the map and do his own thing entirely. I suppose I'm having trouble adjusting. I always pictured something very traditional and classic.

    I hope that once I can see it in person and it is on I will also not be able to picture anything else on my finger. It really does mean so much to me that it is a gift from him that he lovingly chose - as you say. I know he's put much time and thought into it.

    I guess I'm still kind of torn...
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    If you are planning a wedding, you're engaged. I would ask for a different ring. He included things you specifically said you didn't want. And you're embarrassed of the ring? I wouldn't wear it.
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  • What are the 3 things about it that you specifically don't like? Coming from a jewellery POV - its just a ring. Yes, maybe an expensive and time consuming ring, but not something you HAVE to wear every day until you die. It has meaning, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you both love each other and are getting married. Plenty of women wear just a wedding band, or get an eternity band, or only wear their e-ring for special occasions. Which is fine - actually in some cases ideal not to wear a delicate ering 24/7 as some can damage quite easily.

     

    If you can't change it or return it, I would see how you feel once you wear it for a while. What is your ideal ring? If it's something like a solitaire, you can get a simple one in 14k gold for less than $500, and have a jeweller re-set your stone. A halo or something more intricate would obviously be more expensive.

    Also - it sounds like you havent seen the ACTUAL ring. CADs and enlarged jewellers photos can look VERY different once it's actually on your hand. If you are having it done by CAD, they are always a little bulkier looking, because the jeweller needs to polish it down after. If setting melee, then again will look bulkier because they 'dig out' metal to insert the diamond pave.

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  • scribe95scribe95
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    edited August 2015
    I would like more info on what specifically you don't like. 
    My inclination is to wait till you get it and wear it a few weeks before you make any decisions. The sentiment of the ring might start to outweigh the details. It doesn't hurt to wait a bit and see if you like it later. It can always be changed if you don't.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Like others said, if you are planning a wedding you are engaged.  You can say that you are not all you want, but an elaborate proposal and ring does not make you engaged.  You two agreeing to marry (which you have since you are underway with the wedding plans) means that you are engaged.  Pre-engaged has no meaning.  It is like saying that you are only semi-pregnant.

    I agree with scribe about the ring.  I would wait until you actually get it and wear it.  A rendering gives you an idea but until you see the real thing you really won't know if you like it or not.  Or if you can live with some of the things that aren't exactly to your liking.

  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
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    Since it can't be returned or changed, I would just wait until it came and then decide what to do. An actual ring can come out very different from a rendering. Who knows, you may like it.

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  • As someone who felt the same way about her e-ring as you describe here, I would suggest talking to your SO now and if you can change the design to something you'll want to wear daily, change it. I wore my ring for almost 3 years, not really loving it, and eventually just wore my wedding ring alone. I finally bought my own setting and took the diamond out of the original one. DH was not excited about the change, but he understood and I now wear my setting every single day.
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  • Another vote for tell your FI. Take the stone and put it in a setting you are truly happy with.

  • I would wait until you see it, wear it for a few months, and see if it grows on you. If you decide you really don't like it, I see three options - 1. Getting it reset, or 2. Waiting a couple years (depending on your financial situation) and see if you can get another ring that's much simpler and more traditional, and likely less costly, and then wear your original ring for "special occasions." Not ideal, but it's an option. 

    The third, and my opinion possibly the best, option is to get a wedding band that you really love, and then wear it solo when you don't want to wear your engagement ring. There are some gorgeous and more elaborate wedding bands out there that are GORGEOUS alone! Depending on what the ring looks like, you might even be able to dress it differently with a band or ring guard to change the style up a bit.

    I hope this helps. Best of luck to you! I hope the proposal is everything you've dreamed of and more. :)
  • K200K200
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    member
    edited November 2015
    I think you should definitely talk with him about it. Tell him that you've been thinking a lot about this but decided to tell him you don't like it because it has no less than 3 of the things you told him you didn't like. I know some people may respond that you are ungrateful and that you should live with it because it was given to you by someone who loves you and blah blah blah... but that's horrible advice. Also, being told that you don't have to wear it everyday after the wedding is also horrible advice. You want to wear this ring everyday, for the rest of your life and you need to love it. Period.

    Take it from a woman who was given a ring she hated and tried to live with it. I never changed my mind about hating the ring even though I tried. I no longer wear it at all and haven't for 3 years and that sucks because I wish I had a ring on my finger. Not only do I hate the style, but the white gold is all yellow and will never stay white. I find that I am angry and resentful that I don't have a ring and my other married friends do, that I was too embarrassed of it to show it off when I was engaged and sad that I cannot afford to replace it myself at this time. It's a bitter place to be, trying to love something you don't. Please, say something before it is too late. 
  • K200K200
    Third Anniversary First Comment
    member
    edited November 2015
    Did you change it? I hope you did! I just realized this was an older post after I responded above. 
  • I would be honest and say something. I didn't like my original ring either and I was honest about it and now I have a ring I am in love with. You will be wearing it every day for the rest of your life so you need to love it and be proud to show it off...IMO :)
  • My engagement ring was a complete surprise (also designed by FI).  I'd always liked the look of rings with small, narrow, delicate looking bands and then when he did the surprise proposal and pulled out this heavy, wide band that was so different to everything I'd pointed out in jewellery stores over the years, I couldn't help but ask why he'd chosen something completely opposite to what he knew I liked.  He then explained the whole process that he'd been through, all the ideas he'd come up with, the time spent with the jeweller designing it and what the jeweller had told him, why certain things wouldn't work because of the stone shape, setting, tension, etc. and then told me that if I didn't like it, I could have it redesigned.  After hearing exactly why he'd had my ring made the way it was, there was no way I was having it changed.  He'd wanted to make it unique, something that was ours and he'd spent hours, days and weeks with the jeweller and even though it took a whole week for me to get used to the weight of the band and the way it looked, there was no way that I was going to have it changed after I knew how much love and dedication had gone into making it.  I now love my ring and know that it's very special and has heaps of sentimental value!
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