Destination Weddings

***UPDATE***UPDATE*** Destination bride upset that I, as a guest didn’t watch her get her hair done

139agl139agl
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edited August 2015 in Destination Weddings

Let me start by confirming I was not in the wedding and she did not have a bridal party.

History: A longtime friend decided to have a destination wedding and announced it about 10 months before the actual date. Both me and my husband agreed to attend the destination wedding and stay at the all-inclusive resort for a full week since the wedding ceremony was on Wednesday. Prior to the wedding she offered to pay for me to get my hair done with her at the salon as a way of thanking me for coming. However, closer to the date I informed her that it was extremely expensive and that it was not necessary and she didn’t discuss it further.

Once at the resort she again asked if I wanted to get my hair done. I asked how much it would cost and she said she didn’t know and that I could check with the salon. This implied that she no longer was willing to pay for it. And since I already spent a lot of money on the trip and took vacation time from work I declined to get my hair done and told her this. Again nothing more was discussed.

The following day at breakfast she said she was getting her hair and makeup done and that her mom, step mom, future mother in law and I should come and watch her. I told her I would not be attending. And she said nothing. It’s very important to note that I was NOT in the wedding and she did not have any bridesmaids.

Present: Her wedding was about three weeks ago. And since coming home I have not heard from her. I sent a text to her yesterday sharing the link to pictures that I took. She responded stating that she’s been meaning to talk with me. She is very happy that I made the trip. However she is very sad I did not “come hang out at the salon.” To her it felt like “the day was not important to you (me) and that is why you guys came. I wanted to let you know how I was feeling so I don’t have bad feelings between us.” I responded that I’m glad she said something but I’m very surprised by it. The wedding was very important that is why both me and my husband came, spent thousands of dollars to be there and used vacation time from work. Sorry I didn’t go to the salon. I didn’t know it met that much to you (her).”

She has not responded. I’m very offended and feel disrespected that she sent this to me in a text. Furthermore, I discussed this with her many times.  She should have said something then if it was going to bother her.  I feel like she is very ungrateful for all that I did. Out of all their friends and siblings and I’m the only who came. I think that says it was very important to me.

Anyways, I’m curious if I should call her and discuss this more in depth or just let go. What would you do?

***UPDATE***

This gets worse!  I talked to the bride yesterday and told her I’m very hurt.  I told her that I wish she would have communicated how important these things were and reminded her that she did want a bridal party so I did not know how important it was to have a friend with her as she got ready.  I believed it was a bonding time for her and the mothers.  Furthermore I went dress shopping with her, went to the bachelorette party, my husband went to the bachelor party (he only knows the groom because the groom is dating the bride), I spent thousands of dollars to go to Jamaica in July, used my vacation time and I’m going to the reception coming up.  I stated again how hurt I was that she thinks because I didn’t go to the salon she thinks her wedding was not important to me. 

She responded saying she did bring it up and she’s not the type of person to keep asking for things.  She said that she made an appointment for me at the salon and that I backed out prior to the trip. (I originally offered to go to the salon many months ago because NO ONE was going, NOT EVEN THE PARENTS were going.  But once the parents agreed to go I did back out because she had someone to get ready with her).   She said I asked her many times if she wanted me there and she always said yes.  (I never asked her.  I thought if she wanted me there she would have told me).  She also said she was going to pay for me to get my hair done. (At the resort when she asked me to get my hair done I asked how expensive it was and she said I could check at the salon.  That implied that she was not paying).  She went on to say that she was sad that I left her bachelorette party early, “other girls with children stayed and they had to get up early” and went to tell me that I didn’t show up to her shower.  She brought up the fact that I said “I wouldn’t spend the night with her prior to the wedding because I said it was my vacation too but yet I said I came down for her wedding and went on to say if my hubby didn’t want to spend the night with the groom, the groom would have spent the night with his Mom.”  It would only have been for a night and part of the next day.  I’m not the type of person to keep pushing for things.  


I responded saying she should have said these things sooner.  We talked about this and she said nothing.  Furthermore, it’s not fair to compare me to her other friends because no one else went to Jamaica.  I was the only other guest besides her parents.  I gave up 7 days to be there for her and if I didn’t go I probably would have attended the other events.  I went to Jamaica for her, in July when it was unbearably uncomfortable, stayed at a resort she picked.  Furthermore I had no idea any of these things meant that much to her.  Having the girls together the night before, getting ready together are things I associate with having bridesmaids and a traditional wedding.  I stated I really hope you can see I was trying.  

She then said she never said I wasn’t trying.  And the “friends that didn’t go to Jamaica told her why and she understands so she’s not comparing. If they came she would have still wanted them to be a part of the other events to.  It shouldn’t have mattered if she had a bridal party or not.  

I told her that today is the first time I’m hearing a lot of this.  And asked what she wants me to do?  She said "nothing, we’ll agree to disagree."

Here are few other facts, this was all over text messages, her and the groom are both 34, 35ish, and have been living together for over a year. 

I’m keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself…  I’m curious what others have to say. 


Re: ***UPDATE***UPDATE*** Destination bride upset that I, as a guest didn’t watch her get her hair done

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
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    139agl said:

    Let me start by confirming I was not in the wedding and she did not have a bridal party.

    History: A longtime friend decided to have a destination wedding and announced it about 10 months before the actual date. Both me and my husband agreed to attend the destination wedding and stay at the all-inclusive resort for a full week since the wedding ceremony was on Wednesday. Prior to the wedding she offered to pay for me to get my hair done with her at the salon as a way of thanking me for coming. However, closer to the date I informed her that it was extremely expensive and that it was not necessary and she didn’t discuss it further.

    Once at the resort she again asked if I wanted to get my hair done. I asked how much it would cost and she said she didn’t know and that I could check with the salon. This implied that she no longer was willing to pay for it. And since I already spent a lot of money on the trip and took vacation time from work I declined to get my hair done and told her this. Again nothing more was discussed.

    The following day at breakfast she said she was getting her hair and makeup done and that her mom, step mom, future mother in law and I should come and watch her. I told her I would not be attending. And she said nothing. It’s very important to note that I was NOT in the wedding and she did not have any bridesmaids.

    Present: Her wedding was about three weeks ago. And since coming home I have not heard from her. I sent her a text to her yesterday sharing the link to pictures that I took. She responded stating that she’s been meaning to talk with me. She is very happy that I made the trip. However she is very sad I did not “come hang out at the salon.” To her it felt like “the day was not important to you (me) and that is why you guys came. I wanted to let you know how I was feeling so I don’t have bad feelings between us.” I responded that I’m glad she said something but I’m very surprised by it. The wedding was very important that is why both me and my husband came, spent thousands of dollars to be there and used vacation time from work. Sorry I didn’t go to the salon. I didn’t know it met that much to her.”

    She has not responded. I’m very offended and feel disrespected that she sent this to me in a text. Furthermore I discussed this with her many times she should have said something.  I feel like she is very ungrateful for all that I did. Out of all their friends and siblings and I’m the only who came. I think that says it was very important to me.

    Anyways, I’m curious if I should call her and discuss this more in depth or just let go. What would you do?

    I'd try to see her in person and talk about it if she brings it up. IMHO, it's ridiculous of her to be mad at your for not sitting around oohing and aahing at her hair. Who wants to sit in a salon and watch someone get their hair done? I'd try to let it blow over but talk to her in person if she's not over it.
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    YogaSandy
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    WTF?  Is she serious with this?  You attended her destination wedding.  You went to a resort of her choosing for a week.  Spent your money to go there.  Used up your vacation time to go.  And that wasn't enough for her to see that her wedding was important to you?

    I would call your friend and tell her that you respect her feelings but that you are hurt by the fact that she thinks that just because you didn't watch her get her hair done that you didn't think of her wedding as important.

    YogaSandy
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North
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    Are you fucking kidding me??  Sounds like she might be having some regrets over her wedding (perhaps no WP and no 'friends' to share that experience with?) and is now taking it out on you??  Ditto about what PP's said.  You did nothing wrong
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    Blue_Bird
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    That is seriously crazy. You spent thousands of dollars on attending her wedding and she pissed you didn't sit at the salon to fucking watch her get her hair done!?!? Honestly, I wouldn't even bother discussing it further. I wouldn't want a person like that in my life. 

    YogaSandyOpenHeart0117
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I would let it go and not bring it up. She was way out of line.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Blue_Bird
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona
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    To me it sounds like she was kind of trying to get that "getting ready experience", like if you were a bridesmaid, without actually having a wedding party.  But, if that is what she wanted, she should have been more specific and let you know it was that important to her.  It's her fault that she didn't and she has no right to hold a grudge over it. I think your response was appropriate, you told her that you didn't realize it meant so much to her, and I'd probably just let it go now.  There's not anything else you can do, since you didn't do anything wrong here.  

    image 

  • First, that's a lot of people to have in a salon not receiving services. I'm not sure what time it was, the size of the salon, or how busy it was, but as a customer, it does get irritating when you have an appointment during a bridal party, and there is no where to sit or stand and wait because there are too many people "watching" errrr supervising the bridesmaids' mimosa intake.

    It does sound like your friend has some regrets, but also wanted the getting ready together experience.  I would say she did bring it up several times, and probably did not want to sound like a bridezilla by requesting you get your hair done/go, but the lack of interest/regrets got the best of her.  She did not do a very good job at communicating her wishes to you. I can understand her feelings of "not caring enough," to an extent, but it most likely comes from feelings against someone else, not you.  Unfortunately, you've become the target of built up disappointments and frustrations.

    I am a DW bride, and people whom I am not close with at all have gone up to my mom and said "We can't wait to go to the wedding!" In this case, they are looking for justification for a vacation. I've also felt resentment from dear ones over having a DW (cost, vacation time, difficulty traveling).  I'm sure to an extent your friend heard a fair bit of resentful comments about the DW from siblings, other friends etc. who did not make the trip.

    Reach out to see her in person, but do not bring it up.  If she brings it up, point out that it was a time for the moms and her to bond, and your being there would have made it less personal for them. 

    If she is willing to meet you (which she more than likely will), the friendship is not lost.  You've already apologized, so I think she just needs time to cool off.  Maybe the night before their six month anniversary, the two of you can get your hair done, and then have a double date with your husbands.  It can be a fun little celebration, and more than likely cheaper than the salon at the resort. 
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
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    I cannot believe this. I would speak to her and say "Friend, if taking a weeks holiday and spending thousands of dollars is not enough to show you I care, I don't know what will! You wanted me to spend 2 hours to "watch" you get ready?! How much attention do you need? I am not sorry for taking some time with my husband before celebrating your wedding. Frankly, I'm flabbergasted that you would have the audacity to even complain after how much time, money and effort I spend on your wedding. I'm offended that you don't think this is enough". I would seriously reevaluate my friendship with anyone who didn't think what you did was enough. What a spoilt brat!
    MGPYogaSandy
  • How old is this person? If you say anything over 19 she needs to grow the hell up.

    I think you should show the selfish brat this thread. She needs to realize she's being ungrateful for the time and $ you spent to celebrate her wedding, and NO ONE agrees with her.
    YogaSandy
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
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    RE: Your update, now that the wedding is over. maybe her "wedding brain" (aka ridiculous self-absorption) will calm down and she will hopefully be a regular person. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    139agl said:


    ***UPDATE***

    This gets worse!  I talked to the bride yesterday and told her I’m very hurt.  I told her that I wish she would have communicated how important these things were and reminded her that she did want a bridal party so I did not know how important it was to have a friend with her as she got ready.  I believed it was a bonding time for her and the mothers.  Furthermore I went dress shopping with her, went to the bachelorette party, my husband went to the bachelor party (he only knows the groom because the groom is dating the bride), I spent thousands of dollars to go to Jamaica in July, used my vacation time and I’m going to the reception coming up.  I stated again how hurt I was that she thinks because I didn’t go to the salon she thinks her wedding was not important to me. 

    She responded saying she did bring it up and she’s not the type of person to keep asking for things.  She said that she made an appointment for me at the salon and that I backed out prior to the trip. (I originally offered to go to the salon many months ago because NO ONE was going, NOT EVEN THE PARENTS were going.  But once the parents agreed to go I did back out because she had someone to get ready with her).   She said I asked her many times if she wanted me there and she always said yes.  (I never asked her.  I thought if she wanted me there she would have told me).  She also said she was going to pay for me to get my hair done. (At the resort when she asked me to get my hair done I asked how expensive it was and she said I could check at the salon.  That implied that she was not paying).  She went on to say that she was sad that I left her bachelorette party early, “other girls with children stayed and they had to get up early” and went to tell me that I didn’t show up to her shower.  She brought up the fact that I said “I wouldn’t spend the night with her prior to the wedding because I said it was my vacation too but yet I said I came down for her wedding and went on to say if my hubby didn’t want to spend the night with the groom, the groom would have spent the night with his Mom.”  It would only have been for a night and part of the next day.  I’m not the type of person to keep pushing for things.  


    I responded saying she should have said these things sooner.  We talked about this and she said nothing.  Furthermore, it’s not fair to compare me to her other friends because no one else went to Jamaica.  I was the only other guest besides her parents.  I gave up 7 days to be there for her and if I didn’t go I probably would have attended the other events.  I went to Jamaica for her, in July when it was unbearably uncomfortable, stayed at a resort she picked.  Furthermore I had no idea any of these things meant that much to her.  Having the girls together the night before, getting ready together are things I associate with having bridesmaids and a traditional wedding.  I stated I really hope you can see I was trying.  

    She then said she never said I wasn’t trying.  And the “friends that didn’t go to Jamaica told her why and she understands so she’s not comparing. If they came she would have still wanted them to be a part of the other events to.  It shouldn’t have mattered if she had a bridal party or not.  

    I told her that today is the first time I’m hearing a lot of this.  And asked what she wants me to do?  She said "nothing, we’ll agree to disagree."

    Here are few other facts, this was all over text messages, her and the groom are both 34, 35ish, and have been living together for over a year. 

    I’m keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself…  I’m curious what others have to say. 


    IMO, it sounds like she is regretting her destination wedding because no one besides you and the parents were able to come.  And because of this she is pushing her feelings onto you.  You did nothing wrong.  In fact you went above and beyond what you had to do as just a guest to a wedding.  If I were you I would say nothing more and consider if this is a relationship you really want to continue.  She sounds incredibly ungrateful and immature and I would have a hard time staying friends with someone like this.

    But just because I am curious, is this AHR just a "yay we are married" party?  Or is she wanting to turn it into a second "wedding?"

    YogaSandy
  • It’s a AHR.  She did send formal invites. 

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
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    After reading your update, the only thing I would have to say is "at least you have one less Christmas card to send". 

    Life is too short to deal with people like that. No, you don't have to "agree to disagree" about going to the goddamn salon. She is making it seem like you got drunk and made out with her dad on the dancefloor and ruined her wedding. 

    I would be far less understanding than you were and say: "Friend, this is bananas. You are insulted over a hair appointment. Grow up. becuase your behavior right now, after I spent 7 days and thousands of dollars, is that of a spoilt child. And if you are happy with throwing our friendship away over me watching you get your hair done, then fine, I wish I had known that before I dedicated so much time and money to celebrate you. Because I do care about you, I wouldn't have gone if I didn't,  but I am not a mind reader, and I can't follow a wedding script that you have in your head. Maybe you should focus on what people did do for you instead of what you think they didn't do for you. I am utterly hurt and insulted that you didn't think what I did was enough."
    I am in love with all of this.

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    139agl said:

    It’s a AHR.  She did send formal invites. 

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    ShesSoCold
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    She is a child. Move on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
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    After reading your update, the only thing I would have to say is "at least you have one less Christmas card to send". 

    Life is too short to deal with people like that. No, you don't have to "agree to disagree" about going to the goddamn salon. She is making it seem like you got drunk and made out with her dad on the dancefloor and ruined her wedding. 

    I would be far less understanding than you were and say: "Friend, this is bananas. You are insulted over a hair appointment. Grow up. becuase your behavior right now, after I spent 7 days and thousands of dollars, is that of a spoilt child. And if you are happy with throwing our friendship away over me watching you get your hair done, then fine, I wish I had known that before I dedicated so much time and money to celebrate you. Because I do care about you, I wouldn't have gone if I didn't,  but I am not a mind reader, and I can't follow a wedding script that you have in your head. Maybe you should focus on what people did do for you instead of what you think they didn't do for you. I am utterly hurt and insulted that you didn't think what I did was enough."
    I am in love with all of this.
    Me too!
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    She had a shower, Bach party, wedding, and is having an AHR for a wedding that had no other guests than family and you. It screams AW and spoiled, IMHO. I agree with the others- it's time to move on from her.

     







    Knottie15750195
  • She is too damn old to be behaving like this. You spent a bunch of $$ and a week's vacay to show up to her damn wedding. That's really nice, so I'm guessing you aren't hurting for friends. Go play with the ones who don't suck (I still think you should show her highness this thread).
    adk19Knottie15750195
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    She sounds even more like an asshole now. Like LL said, life is to short to waste is with people like this in your life. 

    Knottie15750195
  • Who the hell holds a destination wedding in Jamaica over SEVEN days????? I mean, really? It takes ONE day to get married. What happened on the other six? I'm surprised she had any guests at all.
    Knottie15750195
  • jacques27jacques27
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
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    edited August 2015

    I think you now know the real reason why you were the only guest and her own siblings didn't come - you were just the last one to figure it out.

    Consider it lesson learned and wash your hands of her.  And don't attend the AHR.

    adk19
  • Wow this is completely unreal. You were very very generous to attend her DW wedding and all of the wedding events.

    I suspect that there is something else going on for her. And she is taking it out on you, which is really childish. And will cost her a friend.

    Unfortunately, I had a similar experience with a former friend which I just posted on the ettiquite boards. Ive never been the recipient of such disrespect by someone I thought was a friend. I think my former friend has some regrets about her expensive destination wedding. And she was taking it out on me.

    You sound like a good friend and you are likely surrounded by good people. Now you have more time to spend with those lovelies. Sorry that you have gone through this.
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