My H is grieving for his affair partner and I can't find sympathy

mrsconn23

Dear Prudie,
My husband and I have been married for more than three decades and have grown children and grandchildren. Fifteen years ago, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair with another man for about five years. I was devastated, but my husband and I worked through it and stayed together. We poured ourselves into the lives of our children and grandchildren and now our marriage is better than it was before I discovered the affair. I thought it was all behind us. However, a few months ago, in the middle of the night, I woke up to find that my husband was not in bed. I went looking for him and found him sitting in the backyard sobbing. He told me that he had learned that the man he’d had an affair with had passed away. I said nothing and left him alone with his grief. Since then, he hasn’t mentioned this man, but I can tell he is depressed. I want to be supportive and understanding but I am having a hard time gathering any sympathy. I feel torn because I don’t even want to acknowledge that this “other man” even existed. Any suggestions?

—Uncomfortable

NOLABridesmaid

Wow!

You know, you can expect that most marriages after 30 years will have "something," but she got me on this one.

[Deleted User]

oh man... I feel awful for this man... First affairs are awful no matter who you are cheating with it ended my first marriage. BUT 30 years of marriage I am going to guess he got married to a women because at the time socially that's all he felt he could do... so keeping those feelings in all those years must have been torture. They need to seek counseling, this man really needs to seek counseling. Not to change him but to learn to live with his true self. This is an awful situation for all. 

hmonkey

RachelLee83 said:

 First affairs are awful no matter who you are cheating with

I kept waiting for this to turn into "but second affairs -- those are the ones you treasure."

JediElizabeth

RachelLee83 said: oh man... I feel awful for this man... First affairs are awful no matter who you are cheating with it ended my first marriage. BUT 30 years of marriage I am going to guess he got married to a women because at the time socially that's all he felt he could do... so keeping those feelings in all those years must have been torture. They need to seek counseling, this man really needs to seek counseling. Not to change him but to learn to live with his true self. This is an awful situation for all. 
----BOXES---

Hopefully not! Particularly because they worked on things afterwards, and their marriage is better than it was before, I doubt he's a gay man in a straight marriage.

Bisexuals do exist, and we did even way back then. I hope he married the person he wanted to be with. Even though he strayed, that doesn't mean he's homosexual, and it's rather rude to (1) tell the OP that her husband probably married her because it was the thing to do, and has been tortured this whole time, and (2) just pretend bisexuality doesn't exist.

- a bisexual women whose heterosexual relationship does not define my sexuality

(edited for boxes)

Knottie1430397555

I don't have experience in this exact situation but I do have some advice:

First of all, keep in mind that your husband's sad feelings are not a reflection of you. He is not loving you less or thinking about you less. He is not trying to hurt you or cheat on you again by being sad. He is simply grieving for someone who he cared for. When it comes to grieving, it is a process that he just has to go through and it will pass. And it will probably affect you and bring back some of these hurt feelings from the past, but that's the deal you both made when you decided to stay together I guess, right?

That being said, you could say exactly what you said here to him, to let him know that you want to be there for him as best as you can, but you don't know exactly what to say or how to say it because you still have hurt feelings about the whole situation. Tell him that you want to be supportive and understanding but are having a hard time. Hopefully he will understand why it is difficult for you, and he will appreciate your effort in comforting him as best as you can!

Heffalump

Knottie1430397555 said:

I don't have experience in this exact situation but I do have some advice:

First of all, keep in mind that your husband's sad feelings are not a reflection of you. He is not loving you less or thinking about you less. He is not trying to hurt you or cheat on you again by being sad. He is simply grieving for someone who he cared for. When it comes to grieving, it is a process that he just has to go through and it will pass. And it will probably affect you and bring back some of these hurt feelings from the past, but that's the deal you both made when you decided to stay together I guess, right?

That being said, you could say exactly what you said here to him, to let him know that you want to be there for him as best as you can, but you don't know exactly what to say or how to say it because you still have hurt feelings about the whole situation. Tell him that you want to be supportive and understanding but are having a hard time. Hopefully he will understand why it is difficult for you, and he will appreciate your effort in comforting him as best as you can!

NOLABridesmaid

Did she miss the affair part?

[Deleted User]

CElizabeth419 said:

RachelLee83 said:

oh man... I feel awful for this man... First affairs are awful no matter who you are cheating with it ended my first marriage. BUT 30 years of marriage I am going to guess he got married to a women because at the time socially that's all he felt he could do... so keeping those feelings in all those years must have been torture. They need to seek counseling, this man really needs to seek counseling. Not to change him but to learn to live with his true self. This is an awful situation for all. 

----BOXES---

Hopefully not! Particularly because they worked on things afterwards, and their marriage is better than it was before, I doubt he's a gay man in a straight marriage.

Bisexuals do exist, and we did even way back then. I hope he married the person he wanted to be with. Even though he strayed, that doesn't mean he's homosexual, and it's rather rude to (1) tell the OP that her husband probably married her because it was the thing to do, and has been tortured this whole time, and (2) just pretend bisexuality doesn't exist.

- a bisexual women whose heterosexual relationship does not define my sexuality

(edited for boxes)

Since she found him distraught tell the OP that her husband probably married her because it was the thing to do, and has been tortured this whole time,   It sounds exactly what happened. And by counseling I meant to deal with feelings he may not have completely let go of or dealt with. And of course I understand people are bisexual.  Also I wasn't telling the OP anything it's a response to a article in a newspaper and people come here to say what they think.