Wedding Woes

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

Dear Prudie,
I am a married woman in my early 40s with young children whose longtime, local job in New England is being transitioned to the corporate office in the Midwest. My husband works for the same company and has a job offer there and we’ve decided to relocate. The company is compensating us generously. The issue is that my mother, who’s in her late 60s, is having a very difficult time accepting our decision. She insists that I stay, even though she knows it would put my family at financial risk since I would no longer have a job. She is giving me guilt trips laden with mentions of emotional abandonment, threats that she’d “rather not be alive” if I go, and accusations of putting greed before family. We have asked her to move with us, and she refuses. We have told her we can bring her out for weeks at a time to stay with us, which she also refuses because she said she won’t drive such long distances and doesn’t like to fly. I understand her sadness, but I’m becoming angry and resentful that she thinks it is a viable answer to put my family in financial peril for her. Please help.

—Leaving on a Jet Plane?

Re: You can't reason with unreasonable people.

  • My immediate thought is that chances are this isn't new behavior, conn.  You're going to have to call her bluff and live your life the way you want.  If you are angry and resentful now, think about how you will feel if you stay for her.

    This type of abuse exists on DH's side of the family and it has been happening for generations.  Yet another reason we keep our distance.

    mrsconn23
  • tawillers said:

    This type of abuse exists on DH's side of the family and it has been happening for generations.  Yet another reason we keep our distance.

    Uh yes.  It exists in FIL, to a lesser extent.  But if all his kids are in town and we aren't all at *his* house together, then we're all ungrateful assholes who never want to get together or be with him and he'll be dead before we all get together ever again.  EVEN IF we are all together, you know, at my house. And BIL and SIL get shit on big time if they are in town and FIL has the slightest perception that he hasn't had enough of their time.  And MIL cried when we discussed the very outside possibility of moving last year. 

    In 11.5 years, I've learned when to suck it up and deal for DH's sake and when to be like, "Your parents are ridic." It doesn't make them any less work sometimes. 

  • MIL was all upset when we decided to move to TX (especially when I got pregnant pre-move) - but she eventually got over it when she realized that it was happening no matter what she thought. 

    What it comes down to is that the OP and her H need to make the best decision for their immediate family.  It sounds like she went above and beyond to accommodate her mom (offering to let her move in?!). There's just no pleasing some people. 

    Sometimes it would be nice to have family closer, but at the same time, it's nice to have the physical distance when people decide to go all drama queen. 
  • Is MIL going to pay her bills? Probably not, so she doesn't get a vote.
    image
    MesmrEwe
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