Best Friend Wont Come To Wedding

Knottie1431621404

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Jen4948

As rude as the husband is, you can't invite your BF without him as long as they are married.

If I were you, I'd invite them both and just ignore the husband's rotten attitude unless he behaves in a manner that calls for security to escort him out.  As much as possible from now on, socialize with your BF without her husband, but this doesn't include your wedding or any other event that requires her to be invited with her husband.

vivelepunk

I feel bad for your friend. Her husband sounds completely delusional-- to be under the thumb of his friend who isn't actually isn't in love with you, but more like creepy-obsessed with you. Reading this gave me the chills.

Knottie1431621404

The problem is with my fiancé. He doesn't want him there at all, whatsoever. He said he would be extremely hurt if I invited him knowing how he felt about it. Do you think there is there a way around that?

Knottie1431621404

I feel bad for her as well. And trust me if you knew the half of it you would feel worse. When I started dating my fiancé he sent me this scathing message about how I had wronged him. I never told him I had feelings for him or led him on but from this message you would think I cheated on him or something. I feel like I am being punished for not loving him back at this point. 

JediElizabeth

I'm in the invite them both camp. If I was invited to a wedding with my FI, I'd be much more insulted than not being invited at all. It sounds like this woman is very close to you, and like it's worth it to have her very rude husband there if it means she'll be up at the alter with you.

That said, if the guy in love with you is that creepy, I'd get security or something at the wedding. If her husband tells him the date/time will he be likely to show up? If he's been that much of an issue in the past, it might be good to have someone there to keep him out just in case. 

Knottie1431621404

First off thank you ALL for your feedback. This is my first post on any any type of advice site and I was not expecting such a warm welcome.

I would invite them both, that was my original plan, but my fiancé is VERY against it. We have had numerous fights over it. I don't think I will ever get him to be ok with that idea. He has done so much for them and he feels insulted and would be even more insulted if I invited him any way. At this point they are not coming....I just don't know if my reaction is appropriate or if I am blowing this out of proportion. 

And the other guy is seeing someone now so I don't think he would show up to the wedding. Plus if you knew him....lets just say you wouldn't be worried at all haha. 

Knottie1431621404

Not only that but in my Fiancé's mind it's not that he isn't invited it's that he won't man up for an invite.

SP29

Your reaction is appropriate. You can be upset with your friend and her H as much as you want, as her H is being ridiculous (seriously? won't talk to your husband because his friend wants you? Shouldn't he have gotten the clue the day you were married? seriously dude, it's over).

HOWEVER....

If you want to maintain a relationship with your friend, you must realize that for the foreseeable future, she is married to this guy. Thus, he should be invited to any social events with her.

Yes, her H is being a jack-A, but when it comes to social events that means you either invite them together, or invite neither.

I would try to talk to your FI about this a bit more (have him come read this thread). Even if your friend's husband is there, neither he nor your FI have to interact at all- they can go on ignoring each other happily.

Technically, you *could* not invite your friend's H. But you would need to realize you are breaking etiquette and that your friend would have a very valid reason to now be upset with you and not come anyway, making you the bad person.

It seems there is a lot of drama going on from years past. However, you can't let that affect the invitation to one event. If it IS such bad drama that it is tainting your friendships and now your marriage, perhaps it is time to reconsider your friendship with your friend and her H. It sucks yes, but your friend has to realize that if she is going to be married to a jack-A, that it's going to affect her too.

Pupatella

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I completely understand how you want your best friend by your side on your wedding day.

I am also in the "invite both of them" camp.  But this needs to be done with caution.  

First, I would talk to your FI about how incredibly important it is to you that your best friend be at your wedding.  He is your FI, and will understand, and should support you in this.

Second, I would talk one on one with your BFF.  Tell her how much you want her to be involved in your wedding day, and that your wedding day just wouldn't be the same without her there. I would ask her to talk to her husband about his actions if you really think he will act inappropriately at the wedding.  I'm sure that if she gives him the talk about how important it is to be at your wedding, and he needs to behave, smile, and be cordial for one day, everything could work out just fine.

You should stress to your FI that you are not inviting your BFF's husband, you are inviting your BFF, and have to invite her SO since they are a unit.

I'm really hoping this works out for you.

SP29

@Knottie1431621404 Why did you delete your original post? That is considered poor online forum etiquette as other posters and lurkers can learn for what you post.

@Knottie9076833 Change your name to something with some meaning and stick around!

Pupatella

@SP29 - will do!!....oh man what to change it to...

SP29

Lol. Anything (other than your actual name) will do.

It's just hard to keep track of all the Knottie#s. I can't tell if it's the same person posting different questions or not, if it's new posters joining or some "new regulars" who are commenting. A name gives you some individuality.

Pupatella

 Still not sure if this is it or not...thinking about it prob too hard

Pupatella

I started reading tons of posts on here when I got engaged, and the women on here are freaking phenomenal!!  Blunt and honest advice, which is something so appreciated and hard to find in the real world.  I've only started commenting more frequently recently as I'm getting more and more nervous / excited for the big day!!

Edited for not thinking first, and needing more coffee!!

thespeshulestsnowflake

OP it is rude to delete your posts! Why didn't anyone quote???

ShesSoCold

Damn you guys for not quoting. Cliff notes?

julieanne912

ShesSoCold said:

Damn you guys for not quoting. Cliff notes?

I missed it too, but basically it sounds like OPs BFF has a dick of a husband, and they don't want him at the wedding.... but you can't not invite a spouse.

Jen4948

julieanne912 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Damn you guys for not quoting. Cliff notes?

I missed it too, but basically it sounds like OPs BFF has a dick of a husband, and they don't want him at the wedding.... but you can't not invite a spouse.

The OP said that she was her BFF's MOH, did a lot for her wedding, and would do a lot for her, but her husband was rude to her FI and basically snubbed him.

levioosa

Knottie1431621404 said:

The problem is with my fiancé. He doesn't want him there at all, whatsoever. He said he would be extremely hurt if I invited him knowing how he felt about it. Do you think there is there a way around that?

Knottie1431621404 said:

I feel bad for her as well. And trust me if you knew the half of it you would feel worse. When I started dating my fiancé he sent me this scathing message about how I had wronged him. I never told him I had feelings for him or led him on but from this message you would think I cheated on him or something. I feel like I am being punished for not loving him back at this point. 

Knottie1431621404 said:

First off thank you ALL for your feedback. This is my first post on any any type of advice site and I was not expecting such a warm welcome.

I would invite them both, that was my original plan, but my fiancé is VERY against it. We have had numerous fights over it. I don't think I will ever get him to be ok with that idea. He has done so much for them and he feels insulted and would be even more insulted if I invited him any way. At this point they are not coming....I just don't know if my reaction is appropriate or if I am blowing this out of proportion. 

And the other guy is seeing someone now so I don't think he would show up to the wedding. Plus if you knew him....lets just say you wouldn't be worried at all haha. 

Knottie1431621404 said:

Not only that but in my Fiancé's mind it's not that he isn't invited it's that he won't man up for an invite.

Come on guys, quote!  

SP29

I just don't understand why'd she'd post and then delete/leave. No one said anything mean, not even blunt! OP seemed thankful for the advice/ understood what everyone was saying.

JediElizabeth

SP29 said:

I just don't understand why'd she'd post and then delete/leave. No one said anything mean, not even blunt! OP seemed thankful for the advice/ understood what everyone was saying.

I'm going to guess she realized the friend may be on TK & able to read this? That's the only reasonable explanation I could think of.

Viczaesar

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

OP it is rude to delete your posts! Why didn't anyone quote???

I tried, and TK wouldn't let me.