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How to politely say...

redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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edited August 2015 in Chit Chat
No I don't want to get brunch with you now that you are bringing your 1.5yo child?

ETA: This is so long - the TLDR: So, is there a nice way to say i dont want the kid there / oh i didn't realize the kid was coming / can he not come? Or do I just need to suck it up and just accept that I'll never see her without her kid again?

Background: A friend and I used to work together. She switched jobs about a year ago and we made an effort to get together every couple of months since we didn't have the luxury of work time to see each other. Last time we got together in person was either late March or early April. We were both busy with life/work/etc but i tried to get together with her in May and June, she couldn't. End of June we finally chat and she says she can't hang out until she finishes house hunting b/c it's exhausting and all her and her H do is fight about it so she has no time to see me. Ok... 

Finally she asks for when I'm free. I send her a list of every night or day I'm free (I work night shift, alternating weekends, my schedule is all over the place), and she picks next Sunday, I confirm that I'm free for brunch- she said she will drive into the city (since she moved to bumblefuck when they sold their house but didn't find a house to buy, so they are renting in a far away suburb and I don't have my own car)- Great! I wake up today and have a text from her saying: "Okay I have to drop DH off at a fantasy football draft around 11am, then A (their 1.5yo) and I will come to you."

Uhm WHAT? I did NOT sign up for having brunch with a 1.5yo. It was never mentioned that he would be joining us. I want to be clear - I have gone out of my way to be accommodating for her and her kid since she had him. I visited her multiple times while she was on maternity leave, I opted to go to her house and hang out there with her and her kid while her H was away on business trips bc that was the only way I'd see her, I have gone out to eat with her and the kid at least 2 other times (once including her mother who was babysitting the kid but still insisted on coming with us??) mainly because her mom is her babysitter/daycare and her mom doesn't like to stay past 6pm bc she wants to get home to her life (i get it, you don't pay for the babysitter, the babysitter holds the strings)... but every time we got food with the kid (at varying intervals of age 9mo, at 1yo, 1y3mo, etc) it's annoying and we can barely carry a conversation b/c yeah, a kid is distracting and you need to entertain HIM, i get it. I even went to her house and she was like I just need to put him to bed, watch tv while i'm doing that and sat there and saw half a season of "the unbreakable kimmy schmidt" while waiting for her to come back so we could chat (I offered to leave, she insisted she wanted to hang out).

So, now I'm like seriously!?! I haven't seen her in person in about 4+ months, and we text but it's not conducive for a legit convo - just like quick how are yous / omg look at this gif / bear / dog / bunny / listen to this story from work. Nothing substantial, and she was one of my closest friends that I could talk to about ANYTHING, and I miss HER and talking to HER.

And now the kid is coming. And now I just want to say forget it. 

TLDR: So, is there a nice way to say i dont want the kid there / oh i didn't realize the kid was coming / can he not come? Or do I just need to suck it up and just accept that I'll never see her without her kid again?
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Re: How to politely say...

  • PupatellaPupatella member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I'm sorry, and I can understand wanting alone time with your friend. I think that this time you need to let it go, as finding a baby sitter last minute may be tough.

    Why not mention to her during the brunch that you are craving some alone time with her, and ask if it would be possible that next time she get a baby sitter, and you and her have a girls night?

    Also, I know it's hard, but try to be understanding of your friend. Her life has changed a ton after her baby was born. She may also be craving alone time with you too. But it can be really tough to balance things after you are a parent. I'm not speaking from experience, just have seen a lot of my friends have changing priorities and free time.

    I hope it works out!! Also suggest maybe buying the kid a toy, or something to distract him, while you and your friend chat.

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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, I completely understand how you feel. Several of my friends have kids, and it can definitely sting when their priorities shift and you feel like 2nd place.

    If I were you, I would have an open, honest conversation with her. Tell her you miss her. It might be a difficult conversation, but it is one you need to have before your frustrations escalate any further.

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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Agreed with Red and Pup.  This is her life now, and it may just be really difficult for her to go out without the baby.  I know it is for me.  

    It's also a season.  1.5 years old is a tough age.  They require almost constant attention, and it may be tough to find a sitter.  When her kid is older, she may be able to have more alone time.

    I'm not saying you can't have a conversation with her about it.  You could just tell her you'd love to have some alone time if she's ever able to find a babysitter.  Or if you don't want to actually say that, you could invite her to go do something she's unlikely to do with a baby, like go get a massage or something.  Either way, you just need to be understanding that it might just not be possible to go without the child.  She can still be your friend though.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    Yep, life after baby is different.  I understand you're missing alone time with your friend, but asking her to find a babysitter when she seems to be going the extra mile - driving to your city to meet up- seems kind of demanding. IMO, you should suck it up this time. But if you really can't stand the idea of going out with her child, cancel your plans. 
                       
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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Yeah I thought I made it pretty clear that I am extremely understanding that things change when you have a kid- hence me including specific examples of how accommodating I've been in to going to her whenever i could because of her kid. And how it's never really been an issue before.

    Regardless, I'm not complaining that she suddenly has less time, the kid is 1.5yo, we've done just fine seeing each other less for the first year, it's just these last 4 months we haven't been able to hang out or barely talk bc of life.

    I'm complaining that we finally have a chance to hang out and catch up, and she springs on me that her kid is coming. In the past we've always discussed whether or not the kid would be around and she's always asked "do you want to see A or we can do dinner on X night and DH can watch him". and I've hung out with the kid at a restaurant and it's exhausting for her to juggle a kid and try to carry a convo with me. I get it, I AM happy she's a mom. I never said I wasn't. All I wanted was actual time with my friend.

    And FTR, I used the term "the kid" only on here because I don't feel comfortable using his name and because he's not a baby anymore so I can't say "the baby". I love that kid, I just like adult time too. It's kinda like when people assume their kid is invited to a wedding - uhm no, your kid isn't invited everywhere. Or at least you can ask without assuming I'm okay with it when in the past we've always made it clear whether or not he's coming beforehand.
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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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    STARMOON44 said:

    She doesn't need a baby sitter. She has a husband. Who is spending time with his own friends at his fantasy football draft. I'd let it go this time but next time I'd ask specifically if I can meet up with just her, without the kid.

    It's incredibly rude to just assume your child can come along! You need to bring that up when making plans.

    That's my issue- I asked her if she was free. Not if she and the kid were free. In the past we either agreed to do something with the kid or that her husband would "watch" him (I say "watch" bc I don't believe a father had to watch a kid, he's just being a parent vs her mom watching the kid)

    I guess the frustrating thing is that especially since she moved our get togethers are few and far between now so it's like....

    And lastly, I didn't ask her to come to the city, she offered to come into the city to hang out bc she bailed on every other hang out I tried to plan with her and bc I don't have a car to drive to the suburbs with.
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    STARMOON44 said:

    She doesn't need a baby sitter. She has a husband. Who is spending time with his own friends at his fantasy football draft. I'd let it go this time but next time I'd ask specifically if I can meet up with just her, without the kid.

    It's incredibly rude to just assume your child can come along! You need to bring that up when making plans.

    Yes she has a husband but you don't know the circumstances of care or work schedule. My FI stays home with our son and on weekends I take him because he needs a break. My friends know this and realise that if they invite me out on a weekend, my son comes with us.

    Her husband may work weekends or all week and take care of their son for certain days and nights, you don't know their agreement.

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  • redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    lovesclimbing said:


    redwoodoriginal said:
    No I don't want to get brunch with you now that you are bringing your 1.5yo child?

    ETA: This is so long - the TLDR: So, is there a nice way to say i dont want the kid there / oh i didn't realize the kid was coming / can he not come? Or do I just need to suck it up and just accept that I'll never see her without her kid again?

    Background: A friend and I used to work together. She switched jobs about a year ago and we made an effort to get together every couple of months since we didn't have the luxury of work time to see each other. Last time we got together in person was either late March or early April. We were both busy with life/work/etc but i tried to get together with her in May and June, she couldn't. End of June we finally chat and she says she can't hang out until she finishes house hunting b/c it's exhausting and all her and her H do is fight about it so she has no time to see me. Ok... 

    Finally she asks for when I'm free. I send her a list of every night or day I'm free (I work night shift, alternating weekends, my schedule is all over the place), and she picks next Sunday, I confirm that I'm free for brunch- she said she will drive into the city (since she moved to bumblefuck when they sold their house but didn't find a house to buy, so they are renting in a far away suburb and I don't have my own car)- Great! I wake up today and have a text from her saying: "Okay I have to drop DH off at a fantasy football draft around 11am, then A (their 1.5yo) and I will come to you."

    Uhm WHAT? I did NOT sign up for having brunch with a 1.5yo. It was never mentioned that he would be joining us. I want to be clear - I have gone out of my way to be accommodating for her and her kid since she had him. I visited her multiple times while she was on maternity leave, I opted to go to her house and hang out there with her and her kid while her H was away on business trips bc that was the only way I'd see her, I have gone out to eat with her and the kid at least 2 other times (once including her mother who was babysitting the kid but still insisted on coming with us??) mainly because her mom is her babysitter/daycare and her mom doesn't like to stay past 6pm bc she wants to get home to her life (i get it, you don't pay for the babysitter, the babysitter holds the strings)... but every time we got food with the kid (at varying intervals of age 9mo, at 1yo, 1y3mo, etc) it's annoying and we can barely carry a conversation b/c yeah, a kid is distracting and you need to entertain HIM, i get it. I even went to her house and she was like I just need to put him to bed, watch tv while i'm doing that and sat there and saw half a season of "the unbreakable kimmy schmidt" while waiting for her to come back so we could chat (I offered to leave, she insisted she wanted to hang out).

    So, now I'm like seriously!?! I haven't seen her in person in about 4+ months, and we text but it's not conducive for a legit convo - just like quick how are yous / omg look at this gif / bear / dog / bunny / listen to this story from work. Nothing substantial, and she was one of my closest friends that I could talk to about ANYTHING, and I miss HER and talking to HER.

    And now the kid is coming. And now I just want to say forget it. 

    TLDR: So, is there a nice way to say i dont want the kid there / oh i didn't realize the kid was coming / can he not come? Or do I just need to suck it up and just accept that I'll never see her without her kid again?

    Your friend has a child now. This is how this works. Priorities change, free time is limited, and baby sitters are hella expensive. Be happy for your friend, she's a mom now! My oldest and dearest friend had her second child while I was on vacation. I haven't seen my friend in person in close to two years because of, well, life. Did I complain that now that she has a second child it's probably going to be an even longer period of time between visits? No, I bought the newborn and her first child presents from Disney World. 

    And seriously, while I'd like to hope you don't refer to the child as such in person, referring to A as "the kid" throughout this post is gross. 
    -----boxes------ Really? I have yet to see anyone criticize @wandajune6 and call it gross when she calls her stepson the kid throughout all her posts referencing him. And I agree with @STARMOON44

    **boxes*

    Personal opinion of mine. It's not like I was trying to speak for all of TK.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    TrixieJess said:
    She doesn't need a baby sitter. She has a husband. Who is spending time with his own friends at his fantasy football draft. I'd let it go this time but next time I'd ask specifically if I can meet up with just her, without the kid. It's incredibly rude to just assume your child can come along! You need to bring that up when making plans.
    Yes she has a husband but you don't know the circumstances of care or work schedule. My FI stays home with our son and on weekends I take him because he needs a break. My friends know this and realise that if they invite me out on a weekend, my son comes with us. Her husband may work weekends or all week and take care of their son for certain days and nights, you don't know their agreement.
    This is our situation pretty much too.  H works at home and takes care of DD while I'm at work.  When I'm not working, I'm taking care of DD and he's working from home.  Usually if I go out, I take DD to give him a break.  

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    This reminds me of a friend I used to have (we've drifted apart) who used to schedule time to call me and then spend half the time correcting or tending to her kids while her husband was watching TV in the other room. It frustrated me because I felt if she had planned this time to talk, then she should have made sure she was truly available to do so. Dad should take the kids out, keep them busy, do something so that she was available for this. There is nothing wrong with expecting the get-together be kid free. I agree with @Starmoon44 to let it go this time but in the future request kid free time.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    monkeysip said:


    TrixieJess said:

    She doesn't need a baby sitter. She has a husband. Who is spending time with his own friends at his fantasy football draft. I'd let it go this time but next time I'd ask specifically if I can meet up with just her, without the kid.

    It's incredibly rude to just assume your child can come along! You need to bring that up when making plans.
    Yes she has a husband but you don't know the circumstances of care or work schedule. My FI stays home with our son and on weekends I take him because he needs a break. My friends know this and realise that if they invite me out on a weekend, my son comes with us.

    Her husband may work weekends or all week and take care of their son for certain days and nights, you don't know their agreement.


    This is our situation pretty much too.  H works at home and takes care of DD while I'm at work.  When I'm not working, I'm taking care of DD and he's working from home.  Usually if I go out, I take DD to give him a break.  


    And that's totally fine. But I still think you need to at least mention it to your friends instead of assuming it's okay.
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    TrixieJess said:
    She doesn't need a baby sitter. She has a husband. Who is spending time with his own friends at his fantasy football draft. I'd let it go this time but next time I'd ask specifically if I can meet up with just her, without the kid. It's incredibly rude to just assume your child can come along! You need to bring that up when making plans.
    Yes she has a husband but you don't know the circumstances of care or work schedule. My FI stays home with our son and on weekends I take him because he needs a break. My friends know this and realise that if they invite me out on a weekend, my son comes with us. Her husband may work weekends or all week and take care of their son for certain days and nights, you don't know their agreement.
    This is our situation pretty much too.  H works at home and takes care of DD while I'm at work.  When I'm not working, I'm taking care of DD and he's working from home.  Usually if I go out, I take DD to give him a break.  
    And that's totally fine. But I still think you need to at least mention it to your friends instead of assuming it's okay.
    Sure, I agree.  And I do mention it.  Although honestly, I just don't go out much.  But that's also just me... I'm not very social.  I can imagine it being much harder if you're a very social person who then has a child.  

    I also agree that husbands should be able to watch their kids more often and let the mom go out.  Moms need their time too.  But my point was just that it can be really hard, so don't be surprised if a mom can't find time without their kid.

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  • arrippaarrippa member
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    I understand your frustration Redwood. Yesterday, I drove almost an hour and a half to visit a friend who had baby and moved away. Every time we get together, she has the baby. Apparently, her husband doesn't like to watch the baby alone. I am resigned that every time I see her, the baby will be there.
    There is no good way without offending her to ask her to come to brunch without the kid. That said, I agree with the suggestion to ask her for a girls night out the next time. Since you don't mention the kid, she probably thought it would be okay this time. I hope you end up enjoying brunch. Brunch is the best meal of the day.
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  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
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    I think your friend should have told you that her son would be there. She may have assumed you knew. My friends know if we do something during the day, DS will come with me. That's the way it is now. And I very much like spending time with my son. I get it, not everyone does, but this is my life now, and that's how you spend time with me. If you don't want to hang out with my kid, that's fine, but probably means you won't be able to get time with me. Especially when I'm working. I'm not going to give up a couple of hours of time with my son when others look after him all week. And no, I don't get babysitters (other than grandmas) because I don't trust anyone else with my son.

    Granted, my choice to have DS should never infringe on others. However, we are pretty much a package deal.
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
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    OP, is this one of your first friends who has had a kid?  I just ask because I had a lot of similar feelings when my friends first started having kids.  It's definitely an adjustment period.  

    I don't see any issue with asking for kid-free time on your next outing... maybe she just assumed it would be OK with you since you like her kid.  

    Also, to me it sounds like she's being very accommodating... basically she picked a time that you said you were available since, as you said, your work schedule is all over the place, and she said she'd drive into the city.  It also sounds like she's a working mom, so she has limited time with her kid in the first place.  So don't be surprised if she doesn't agree to meet with you without the kid.... since that infringes on her time with him.

    In the end, I've lost a few friendships because of situations like these.... life changes, friends move away, make different life choices than you, etc.  It sucks, but it happens.  
    Married 9.12.15
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  • snowywintersnowywinter member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    I think your friend should have told you that her son would be there. She may have assumed you knew. My friends know if we do something during the day, DS will come with me. That's the way it is now. And I very much like spending time with my son. I get it, not everyone does, but this is my life now, and that's how you spend time with me. If you don't want to hang out with my kid, that's fine, but probably means you won't be able to get time with me. Especially when I'm working. I'm not going to give up a couple of hours of time with my son when others look after him all week. And no, I don't get babysitters (other than grandmas) because I don't trust anyone else with my son. Granted, my choice to have DS should never infringe on others. However, we are pretty much a package deal.
    To me that attitude would speak volumes about how much you actually care about my friendship. I'll do a ton of kid friendly stuff but if you can never make time for just me and you as adults because you have a bizarre refusal to use babysitters, welp I guess you aren't the friend I used to have before you had a kid. I'll meet you more than halfway, but if you're not willing to make any attempt? Not a good friend to me.
    With a stay-at-home mom, I'd agree. With a working mom, nope. Three of my colleagues have children. They all work more than 60-70 hours a week. I doubt they would ever get a sitter during the days/hours they're off work unless it was a girls night out, wedding, shower, etc. Lunch with a friend? Doubt it. It has nothing to do with being a bad friend and everything to do with the fact that their time with their kid is already limited. If you want to hang out with a working mom with a baby or toddler, then you need to make that clear with a girls night out or asking when her husband is available to watch their child so you and she can spend the day shopping or something. You can't assume that she'll get a sitter just to have lunch.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    snowywinter said:


    STARMOON44 said:

    YogaSandy said:

    I think your friend should have told you that her son would be there. She may have assumed you knew. My friends know if we do something during the day, DS will come with me. That's the way it is now. And I very much like spending time with my son. I get it, not everyone does, but this is my life now, and that's how you spend time with me. If you don't want to hang out with my kid, that's fine, but probably means you won't be able to get time with me. Especially when I'm working. I'm not going to give up a couple of hours of time with my son when others look after him all week. And no, I don't get babysitters (other than grandmas) because I don't trust anyone else with my son.

    Granted, my choice to have DS should never infringe on others. However, we are pretty much a package deal.


    To me that attitude would speak volumes about how much you actually care about my friendship. I'll do a ton of kid friendly stuff but if you can never make time for just me and you as adults because you have a bizarre refusal to use babysitters, welp I guess you aren't the friend I used to have before you had a kid. I'll meet you more than halfway, but if you're not willing to make any attempt? Not a good friend to me.

    With a stay-at-home mom, I'd agree. With a working mom, nope. Three of my colleagues have children. They all work more than 60-70 hours a week. I doubt they would ever get a sitter during the days/hours they're off work unless it was a girls night out, wedding, shower, etc. Lunch with a friend? Doubt it. It has nothing to do with being a bad friend and everything to do with the fact that their time with their kid is already limited. If you want to hang out with a working mom with a baby or toddler, then you need to make that clear with a girls night out or asking when her husband is available to watch their child so you and she can spend the day shopping or something. You can't assume that she'll get a sitter just to have lunch.




    Who said anything about assuming someone will get a sitter just for lunch? What I'm saying is that if you can't ever figure out how to make time for me without your kid, it's obvious maintaining a relationship with me isn't important to you. And we won't have one any more.
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  • snowywintersnowywinter member
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    No one knows if the OP's friend could make time for her without her son. The OP never asked, she just assumed her friend wouldn't bring her son. That's a dangerous assumption to make.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    snowywinter said:

    No one knows if the OP's friend could make time for her without her son. The OP never asked, she just assumed her friend wouldn't bring her son. That's a dangerous assumption to make.



    No, it's rude to assume that people who weren't invited to something are welcome. If you need to bring your child, you ask if that is okay.
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  • snowywintersnowywinter member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    No one knows if the OP's friend could make time for her without her son. The OP never asked, she just assumed her friend wouldn't bring her son. That's a dangerous assumption to make.
    No, it's rude to assume that people who weren't invited to something are welcome. If you need to bring your child, you ask if that is okay.
    Agree to disagree. I would never dream of assuming that a mom with a small child at home would get a sitter just for lunch. Maybe that's just me.
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  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
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    snowywinter said:


    STARMOON44 said:

    snowywinter said:

    No one knows if the OP's friend could make time for her without her son. The OP never asked, she just assumed her friend wouldn't bring her son. That's a dangerous assumption to make.



    No, it's rude to assume that people who weren't invited to something are welcome. If you need to bring your child, you ask if that is okay.

    Agree to disagree. I would never dream of assuming that a mom with a small child at home would get a sitter just for lunch. Maybe that's just me.



    Totally disagree. I have a childhood friend (L) who has 4 kids. A bunch of us who have known each other since middle/HS agreed to meet for brunch. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but that's just life.

    We get to the totally packed brunchy restaurant and L shows up with her 9 month old in his car carrier. Not only was it a big deal for the completely booked restaurant to find an extra chair to sit his carrier on, there was no room at our table for it. The kid cried much of the time so the rest of us just got to watch her try to quiet him down.

    She didn't warn any of us that our girly mimosa time was going to involve a squalling child and a diaper blowout (which required her to occupy the single-room ladies restroom for 15 minutes while a line formed outside the door). It was neither the time nor the place to just assume your kid was invited. Neither of them have been invited to subsequent brunches.



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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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    edited August 2015
    Thanks for everyone's views.

    To clarify, she has no problem leaving the kid at home for lunch, we have done it in the past many times. She said she felt bad she cancelled and postponed our hangout for the last four months and when she told her H we were meeting he said he wasn't going to watch the kid bc he was going to see his friends, so she thought "aw fuck it A will have to come". Her H is definitely not a SAHD. she had to change jobs bc he didn't want to possibly have to get up during the night if the kid woke up. So she had to get a normal 9-5 so she could be at home at night to get up w the kid.

    I assumed she wasn't bringing him bc in the past we always clarify before we make plans. Ie: "hey, let's grab brunch, DH is free to watch A" or "DH said he'd put the kid to bed so we can hang out on Tuesday" or "Do you want to come over before A goes to bed so you can see him for a bit and then I'll put him to sleep and we can chat/hang out after?".

    And while yes, she was accommodating picking a time I was free- first of all, that's how hang outs work- we can't hang out if I'm not free- we couldn't hang out for 4 months bc she wasn't free- I also offered her every available day/night I was free which means I won't spend time w my H, whom I see very little of lately bc he is doing a surgery rotation - I see him for 2-3hours every 3-4days and for 2 of those 3 hrs, he's doing work, so I'm giving up time with my H to spend time with my friend, too.

    And no, she isn't my first friend with a kid. And we never had much of an issue before, and the kid is 1.5yo. We managed our friendship just fine for the first year, so no, I'm not having trouble "adjusting to my friend being a mom". I happily have hung out w her and the kid many times before, I've gone to his bday party at a kids place even tho I have no kids to play w there, and am generally very accommodating. In one of my group of friends I'm one of the only ones with a kid, so I'm very accustomed to dealing with kids with friends.

    I'll just suck it up and accept the fact that brunch with my friend isn't happening and instead I get to hang out w her kid, and not have any sort of real conversation. Bc when you have to entertain a 1.5yo, that's what happens.
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  • snowywintersnowywinter member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    redwoodoriginal said:
    Thanks for everyone's views. To clarify, she has no problem leaving the kid at home for lunch, we have done it in the past many times. She said she felt bad she cancelled and postponed our hangout for the last four months and when she told her H we were meeting he said he wasn't going to watch the kid bc he was going to see his friends, so she thought "aw fuck it A will have to come". Her H is definitely not a SAHD. she had to change jobs bc he didn't want to possibly have to get up during the night if the kid woke up. So she had to get a normal 9-5 so she could be at home at night to get up w the kid. I assumed she wasn't bringing him bc in the past we always clarify before we make plans. Ie: "hey, let's grab brunch, DH is free to watch A" or "DH said he'd put the kid to bed so we can hang out on Tuesday" or "Do you want to come over before A goes to bed so you can see him for a bit and then I'll put him to sleep and we can chat/hang out after?". And while yes, she was accommodating picking a time I was free- first of all, that's how hang outs work- we can't hang out if I'm not free- we couldn't hang out for 4 months bc she wasn't free- I also offered her every available day/night I was free which means I won't spend time w my H, whom I see very little of lately bc he is doing a surgery rotation - I see him for 2-3hours every 3-4days and for 2 of those 3 hrs, he's doing work, so I'm giving up time with my H to spend time with my friend, too. And no, she isn't my first friend with a kid. And we never had much of an issue before, and the kid is 1.5yo. We managed our friendship just fine for the first year, so no, I'm not having trouble "adjusting to my friend being a mom". I happily have hung out w her and the kid many times before, I've gone to his bday party at a kids place even tho I have no kids to play w there, and am generally very accommodating. In one of my group of friends I'm one of the only ones with a kid, so I'm very accustomed to dealing with kids with friends. I'll just suck it up and accept the fact that brunch with my friend isn't happening and instead I get to hang out w her kid, and not have any sort of real conversation. Bc when you have to entertain a 1.5yo, that's what happens.
    Honestly, this just makes me have more sympathy for her position. First of all, you say that you've seen her "many times" without the kid, so your first post was overly dramatic about this one time. Second, you say that in the past, you've "always" clarified, so the fact that it wasn't clear this time (you said yourself she never said she was bringing him, but she never said she WASN'T bringing him either) should have been a warning bell and made you want to clarify as you always had in the past. Third, leaving a husband at home isn't the same as leaving a baby (and an 18 month old still qualifies) at home. The 18 month old needs a sitter and sitters aren't cheap. Your husband, one assumes, is self-entertaining. Fourth, if he's on a surgery rotation (which means he likely isn't a surgeon), then this is temporary for what, 4-8 weeks? Speaking as a physician, significant others deal with much more than the surgery rotation during medical, PA, or NP training.

    Finally, and this is the most important, you say you two managed your friendship just fine for the first year that she was a mom, so it's only been the last 6 months it's been a problem? I think you should cut her some slack in that case. It's not like she suddenly dropped you when she gave birth. It's only recently that she just hasn't had time to see you apart from her child. Give her a chance.
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  • snowywintersnowywinter member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    TheCheeseWench said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    No one knows if the OP's friend could make time for her without her son. The OP never asked, she just assumed her friend wouldn't bring her son. That's a dangerous assumption to make.
    No, it's rude to assume that people who weren't invited to something are welcome. If you need to bring your child, you ask if that is okay.
    Agree to disagree. I would never dream of assuming that a mom with a small child at home would get a sitter just for lunch. Maybe that's just me.
    Totally disagree. I have a childhood friend (L) who has 4 kids. A bunch of us who have known each other since middle/HS agreed to meet for brunch. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but that's just life. We get to the totally packed brunchy restaurant and L shows up with her 9 month old in his car carrier. Not only was it a big deal for the completely booked restaurant to find an extra chair to sit his carrier on, there was no room at our table for it. The kid cried much of the time so the rest of us just got to watch her try to quiet him down. She didn't warn any of us that our girly mimosa time was going to involve a squalling child and a diaper blowout (which required her to occupy the single-room ladies restroom for 15 minutes while a line formed outside the door). It was neither the time nor the place to just assume your kid was invited. Neither of them have been invited to subsequent brunches.
    You see it one way and I see it another. Frankly, I think it's a shame that you just chose to exclude her from get-togethers for this, especially IF (I won't make an assumption) you haven't talked to her about it and given her a chance first.
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