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Friend is mad that I wasn't able to attend her DW!!

Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
A good friend had her wedding in Iceland two months ago (we are on the West Coast of Canada). The entire time she was planning, I let her know from the get-go that I wouldn't be able to attend a DW in Icelad, due to severe financial issues over the past year  (I was on strike for 6 weeks, hubbies contract ended and he was without a job for five months, our wedding was last June, and his BIL is now having a DW in November). The entire time leading up to her wedding I tried to be as involved as I could, co-hosting her Bridal Shower and getting excited over the details with her. I told her I was sad that I couldn't go, but so excited for her to have her dream wedding. I thought we were okay, since she said she "knew it was a lot to ask" to have people travel to Iceland.

She returned from her DW two months ago and was really putting off seeing me and catching up about her wedding. I knew something was up, but couldn't figure out what I did. Two weeks ago I nudged her again and she agreed to hang out today. As we were hanging out and I was asking questions about the wedding, and saying how beautiful things looked in the pictures, I said "I'm really sorry that I couldn't go". Her reply was very calm and calculated "well, it was a choice". 

Needless to say I was pretty shocked and very saddened. Maybe devastated. I knew something was wrong but I didn't think she was holding a grudge that I didn't -- couldn't -- go. I truly couldn't afford to go, but when I stated that again, she mentioned how there were other friends who were "in worse or equal situations" to my husband and I who made it work. By sleeping in their cars, taking out extra loans, ets. "It was even really hard for us to make it happen" she said. 

I suppose it was a "choice" but I don't even know if the banks would have given us more on our line of credit. I'd also expect a friend to be more considerate of me trying to be financially responsible and not max-out credit for a wedding.

I really was blindsided by this and tried to turn things so she could see them from my perspective. Of course I wanted to be there with her. Of course it entirely SUCKED to have to stay home, not go to Iceland, NOT witness your good friend have this incredible milestone. But I thought people who threw DW understood that not everyone can attend these things, and it usually has NOTHING to do with the couple getting married!! Read: my ability to travel thousands of miles during unpaid vacation time has NOTHING to do with how much I love you. It has EVERYTHING to do with paying for food!!!

Well, it ended badly. I was really upset and I just needed time away from her. I thanked her for her honesty, but I'm pretty wounded. It's also unbeleivable to me that she would expect me to take out more loans to prove my friendship to her. In fact, I think that sort of thinking speaks for itself. I don't know anyone else that would expect that sort of grand gesture to prove a friendship. I was her friend, a good one, and now I'm sad that it's likely over.

Sorry this was a bit of a rant. Have you ever had something similar happen?
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Re: Friend is mad that I wasn't able to attend her DW!!

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    Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Thanks you so much for your posts ladies. I feel a bit better after reading them. My husband and I chose to have our wedding down the street and requested no gifts for the reasons you state Molly -- we take financial stability seriously and would absolutely HATE ourselves if we thought our friends were going into debt to attend our wedding. We just wanted to have a party with those we loved.

    That said I NEVER judged my friend for choosing a wedding destination that was way beyond my means. It was her and her husbands dream. I supported her throughout and trusted that she was being honest with me when she said it was okay I couldn't go.

    I guess she realized at the wedding that she would have liked some of her friends there. I think a few of us couldn't come

    I'm just sad that it came to this. I'll get over it and her. I know I have wonderful friends in my life who would never treat me like this and who are good as gold.



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    db1984db1984 member
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    I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I'd be limiting my time and friendship with her from here on. She's ridiculous.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MGPMGP member
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    db1984 said:

    I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).

    Now THIS is probably one of the grossest stories I have ever read on here.
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    huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    If this is how she treats her friends, this lady isn't going to have any friends left. It was her CHOICE to have her wedding in Iceland. When you have your wedding in another country you are asking for less people to attend. 

    Did you get her a gift (not that you needed to, especially because you threw her a bridal shower)? I would a guess a ss like her would be more upset she didn't get another present out of you.
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    levioosalevioosa member
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    What a bitch.  I would be done with her.  A backhanded response like that when she knows your situation?  Done.  If she keeps treating people like a spoiled brat, she's going to end up very lonely.  How you spend your money is your own choice.  And having a wedding in Iceland was her choice.  She should have known with a wedding that far not many people would come.  An invitation is not a mandatory summons.  Ugh, I just can't with her. 

    One comment though, OP.  Putting "no gifts" on your invitations is rude as gifts should never be expected.  It actually accomplishes the opposite of what you are trying to do and makes it seem like you were expecting gifts.  If people cannot or do not want to give a gift, they won't.  And if they want to/can give a gift, they will.  


    Knottie15750195 said:
    Thanks you so much for your posts ladies. I feel a bit better after reading them. My husband and I chose to have our wedding down the street and requested no gifts for the reasons you state Molly -- we take financial stability seriously and would absolutely HATE ourselves if we thought our friends were going into debt to attend our wedding. We just wanted to have a party with those we loved. That said I NEVER judged my friend for choosing a wedding destination that was way beyond my means. It was her and her husbands dream. I supported her throughout and trusted that she was being honest with me when she said it was okay I couldn't go. I guess she realized at the wedding that she would have liked some of her friends there. I think a few of us couldn't come I'm just sad that it came to this. I'll get over it and her. I know I have wonderful friends in my life who would never treat me like this and who are good as gold.



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    Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
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    Thank you everyone for your support -- it has really helped me to process today. There is a small sense of releif as I do know now who to focus my energy and love on. I have a strong group of wonderful friends unconnected to Iceland bride. I'll be fine.

    @huskypuppy14 I did get her a small gift a bottle of Moët which I brought with me and gave her today when we first saw each other. I just said it was a small token for her and her hubby to share.

    @levioosa yes I do see your point about the no gifts being rude on the invites. I had never read about that being seen as rude until after we had already put it in our email. We had a very small wedding and very low key, and I think we worded it In a way that fit with the causal nature of the day and our community (like your presence is present enough or something). I think where I live it's common and accepted, I have seen it on many invites. but of course I could be wrong and may have offended someone. Knowing what I do now, that it is sometimes seen as rude, I might have done it differently. In the end we were happy that many people just brought cards which we read the morning after and have kept in a special place.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    Part of me says, "Is this for real??" Because seriously, who is that crazy! Although reading db1984's post, apparently people are.

    Yes, you made a choice not to attend her wedding. But Liatris hit the nail on the head- SHE made a choice to have a DW. SHE made the choice to prioritize a destination, and her vision, over her guests. Which is fine, but she should have known off the bat most people wouldn't be able to come.

    And to suggest you should've taken out a loan to attend her wedding???? WTF?? No! And other people actually did this? Slept in cars? I'm wouldn't be traveling to Iceland (which would be amazing) to sleep in a car!

    Besides- you could be filthy rich, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to tell you how to spend your money, nor is it any of her (or anyone else's) business.

    This person sounds like no friend at all. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I'm with everyone else, that she isn't a good friend for holding a grudge. You told her well in advance that you wouldn't be able to make it. To expect anyone to take out a loan, go into debt or sleep in their cars so they can afford to go to a wedding, is unreasonable. And if she could barely afford to make it happen, maybe she should have planned a different wedding. You were very gracious even co-hosting a shower for her even though you weren't going. You and your husband did the right thing being responsible with your finances. You don't need a friend who is going to judge you like that. Hopefully over time she'll grow up & apologize.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Like PPs say, making the choice to have an expensive wedding that friends and loved ones can't afford to attend and being pissed that they don't go into debt or take off from work to attend isn't what a truly good friend would do. Either she'll get over herself, realize that, apologize, and rebuild her relationship with you, or she won't, in which case you'll be better off without her as a friend.
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    MGPMGP member
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    SP29 said:
    Part of me says, "Is this for real??" Because seriously, who is that crazy! Although reading db1984's post, apparently people are.

    Yes, you made a choice not to attend her wedding. But Liatris hit the nail on the head- SHE made a choice to have a DW. SHE made the choice to prioritize a destination, and her vision, over her guests. Which is fine, but she should have known off the bat most people wouldn't be able to come.

    And to suggest you should've taken out a loan to attend her wedding???? WTF?? No! And other people actually did this? Slept in cars? I'm wouldn't be traveling to Iceland (which would be amazing) to sleep in a car!

    Besides- you could be filthy rich, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to tell you how to spend your money, nor is it any of her (or anyone else's) business.

    This person sounds like no friend at all. 

    Does anyone remember the girl that came on a while back talking about how she ate powdered pancake mix for months in order to be able to afford to be a bridesmaid for her friends? Honestly it concerns me that people can't say "no" and go to these lengths and risk the their financial security to please such selfish people. No one tells me how to spend my money expect my husband and my CPA. Anyone else can STFU.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    Knottie15750195 said:
      (I was on strike for 6 weeks, hubbies contract ended and he was without a job for five months, our wedding was last June, and his BIL is now having a DW in November).
    Can you explain the bolded? Wouldn't your H's BIL either be your brother, or married to his sister?
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    snowywintersnowywinter member
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    themosthappy91 said:
    Just send her this thread in a FB message or e-mail- that should wake her up real quick to how the vast majority of people would feel about the way she's acting.

    Honestly I think (most) destination weddings in general are kind of selfish because it creates the very issue you describe: your loved ones feel bad/sad that they can't share your special day with you. To me it just screams prioritizing your "vision" over your loved ones (unless, of course, you're having one specifically to limit the people who will come- which I know happens a lot in the case of difficult family dynamics etc.).

    Your friend seems like a complete bitch. What a horrible human being to expect you to prioritize attending her ridiculous wedding over your own financial well-being. This is probably one of the grossest stories I've ever read on here. 
    Agreed that the OP's friend is a horrible friend and I would bet that even if people could make it to her wedding, some wouldn't have if this is how she treats her so-called friends. That said, if it's their "special day" or whatever, then why is it selfish to do it the way they want? In my opinion, a DW only becomes selfish when the bride and groom EXPECT people to drop everything and head to their wedding. If they extend the invitation and are understanding and sympathetic to those who can't attend, I find nothing selfish about it. No matter where a wedding is, some guests will likely have to fly or travel long distances to get there. You should never expect that just because you invite people, they can afford to come or that your wedding is their priority. And that goes for ALL brides and grooms, not just those planning/having DWs.
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    themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
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    snowywinter said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    Just send her this thread in a FB message or e-mail- that should wake her up real quick to how the vast majority of people would feel about the way she's acting.

    Honestly I think (most) destination weddings in general are kind of selfish because it creates the very issue you describe: your loved ones feel bad/sad that they can't share your special day with you. To me it just screams prioritizing your "vision" over your loved ones (unless, of course, you're having one specifically to limit the people who will come- which I know happens a lot in the case of difficult family dynamics etc.).

    Your friend seems like a complete bitch. What a horrible human being to expect you to prioritize attending her ridiculous wedding over your own financial well-being. This is probably one of the grossest stories I've ever read on here. 
    Agreed that the OP's friend is a horrible friend and I would bet that even if people could make it to her wedding, some wouldn't have if this is how she treats her so-called friends. That said, if it's their "special day" or whatever, then why is it selfish to do it the way they want? In my opinion, a DW only becomes selfish when the bride and groom EXPECT people to drop everything and head to their wedding. If they extend the invitation and are understanding and sympathetic to those who can't attend, I find nothing selfish about it. No matter where a wedding is, some guests will likely have to fly or travel long distances to get there. You should never expect that just because you invite people, they can afford to come or that your wedding is their priority. And that goes for ALL brides and grooms, not just those planning/having DWs.
    I guess I just can't imagine being the kind of person who feels it's more important to get married with X backdrop (tropical beach, snowy mountains etc) than to have most of my loved ones present. I mean, you're right that no matter what kind of wedding you have some people won't be able to come, but you have to know when you're getting married outside of the country that's going to increase your declines by a lot.

    Take OP's example- even if her friend wasn't being horrendously awful about her not going, she'd probably still feel sad she couldn't be there. She had to miss the wedding of someone she thought she was very close to because that person thought it was more important to have a DW than to have her closest friends present, and even if she was completely understanding of the fact that many of her guests couldn't afford the trip I think that attitude would still sting.

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    snowywintersnowywinter member
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    themosthappy91 said:
    snowywinter said:
    themosthappy91 said:
    Just send her this thread in a FB message or e-mail- that should wake her up real quick to how the vast majority of people would feel about the way she's acting.

    Honestly I think (most) destination weddings in general are kind of selfish because it creates the very issue you describe: your loved ones feel bad/sad that they can't share your special day with you. To me it just screams prioritizing your "vision" over your loved ones (unless, of course, you're having one specifically to limit the people who will come- which I know happens a lot in the case of difficult family dynamics etc.).

    Your friend seems like a complete bitch. What a horrible human being to expect you to prioritize attending her ridiculous wedding over your own financial well-being. This is probably one of the grossest stories I've ever read on here. 
    Agreed that the OP's friend is a horrible friend and I would bet that even if people could make it to her wedding, some wouldn't have if this is how she treats her so-called friends. That said, if it's their "special day" or whatever, then why is it selfish to do it the way they want? In my opinion, a DW only becomes selfish when the bride and groom EXPECT people to drop everything and head to their wedding. If they extend the invitation and are understanding and sympathetic to those who can't attend, I find nothing selfish about it. No matter where a wedding is, some guests will likely have to fly or travel long distances to get there. You should never expect that just because you invite people, they can afford to come or that your wedding is their priority. And that goes for ALL brides and grooms, not just those planning/having DWs.
    I guess I just can't imagine being the kind of person who feels it's more important to get married with X backdrop (tropical beach, snowy mountains etc) than to have most of my loved ones present. I mean, you're right that no matter what kind of wedding you have some people won't be able to come, but you have to know when you're getting married outside of the country that's going to increase your declines by a lot.

    Take OP's example- even if her friend wasn't being horrendously awful about her not going, she'd probably still feel sad she couldn't be there. She had to miss the wedding of someone she thought she was very close to because that person thought it was more important to have a DW than to have her closest friends present, and even if she was completely understanding of the fact that many of her guests couldn't afford the trip I think that attitude would still sting.

    To each his own. It's the B&G's wedding and as long as they understand and are okay with declines, they get to have it where they want. They're the ones footing the bill, they get to plan. They just need to be respectful of the fact that people can't make it. Honestly, I've never known a couple who didn't check with their VIPs prior to booking a DW. The fact of the matter is they can't plan a wedding that EVERYONE will attend. They just can't. Very few people get 100% attendance. You can never predict, especially in this day and age when so many families are split up all over the globe.

    Going by your post, an elopement would be selfish too since people would be sad that they weren't there, but what if that's what the couple wants, I don't find it the least bit selfish.
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    themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
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    I guess I just can't imagine being the kind of person who feels it's more important to get married with X backdrop (tropical beach, snowy mountains etc) than to have most of my loved ones present. I mean, you're right that no matter what kind of wedding you have some people won't be able to come, but you have to know when you're getting married outside of the country that's going to increase your declines by a lot.

    Take OP's example- even if her friend wasn't being horrendously awful about her not going, she'd probably still feel sad she couldn't be there. She had to miss the wedding of someone she thought she was very close to because that person thought it was more important to have a DW than to have her closest friends present, and even if she was completely understanding of the fact that many of her guests couldn't afford the trip I think that attitude would still sting.

    To each his own. It's the B&G's wedding and as long as they understand and are okay with declines, they get to have it where they want. They're the ones footing the bill, they get to plan. They just need to be respectful of the fact that people can't make it. Honestly, I've never known a couple who didn't check with their VIPs prior to booking a DW. The fact of the matter is they can't plan a wedding that EVERYONE will attend. They just can't. Very few people get 100% attendance. You can never predict, especially in this day and age when so many families are split up all over the globe.

    Going by your post, an elopement would be selfish too since people would be sad that they weren't there, but what if that's what the couple wants, I don't find it the least bit selfish.

    Like I said originally, I totally get elopements and destination weddings in some circumstances- difficult family dynamics and whatnot. And since this is the etiquette board, I should clarify for anyone reading that there is nothing wrong, etiquette-wise, with having a DW or elopement. All I'm stating is my personal opinion, which is that I'm going to judge you if you're asking your loved ones to choose between missing your wedding and spending thousands of dollars just because you think it'd be really fun to get married in the Bahamas or the Swiss Alps or wherever. 
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    Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
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    I'm also totally supportive of DW, or any kind of wedding you want. I loved my wedding and I get how special they are! No matter where you hold the wedding There will always be people who can't make. I guess the important thing to remember and understand as the bride and groom is that not everyone can come and its not personal.

    If this former friend had responded to my "I really wish I could've been there" with "yeah, I really missed you being there" we would have likely hugged and moved on!
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    Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
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    @zitiqueen sorry I meant to say MY BIL. As in my husbands brother. Writing this on my iPhone so editing is a bit difficult. Hope that helps!
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    Knottie15750195Knottie15750195 member
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    @MegEn1 I know I was probably too nice. Ithink I was because I was in shock at what was hhappening and I was getting visibly upset. I am glad that she was honest with me instead of just disappearing from my life. This way I know for sure that I don't want her in my life and I was able to tell her some things from my perspective. I feel closure.

    But yea, I do think I was a bit too nice at times. I'm a nice person and a good friend! But not her friend any longer.
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