Friend is mad that I wasn't able to attend her DW!!

JediElizabeth

Knottie15750195 said:

@MegEn1 I know I was probably too nice. Ithink I was because I was in shock at what was hhappening and I was getting visibly upset. I am glad that she was honest with me instead of just disappearing from my life. This way I know for sure that I don't want her in my life and I was able to tell her some things from my perspective. I feel closure. But yea, I do think I was a bit too nice at times. I'm a nice person and a good friend! But not her friend any longer.

Good for you!!

Personally, I think "thank you for your honesty" is the nicest way I can think of to say "wow, that was really messed up, and I'm going to go process that now." I've said it during bad break-ups, and at least I've had the satisfaction of not crying in front of the other person. In this case, it was one of the best ways to keep composure, I'm sure. 

[Deleted User]

I am really sad for you and for her.... It's really really hard to find good friends. You seemed to have supported her and that's what you get? She has no clue what a real friend is...

Wegl13

UO: can someone please explain why it's not selfish to make some sort of effort to have your nearest and dearest with you on your wedding day? I'm talking about your actual nearest and dearest, not the people you just happen to be related to. We made a special effort to accommodate our beloved family members, especially those with travel restrictions, when it came to our wedding. I guess I get that you are paying and you can have it wherever you want, but to me having it in an exotic locale and increasing the effort/money etc it would take for, example, your grandparents to attend basically seems like you are flipping them the bird.
While I can imagine making the hard choice to have your wedding in California because you/your family lives there, and his dear Aunt Jojo won't be able to attend because she has difficulties with travel, I DON'T get having your wedding in California because it's pretty, when all of your family, including dear Aunt Jojo, live in Michigan. It's not like Michigan is the worlds armpit! I'm sure you can find somewhere beautiful in Michigan to have your wedding!

snowywinter

Wegl13 said:

UO: can someone please explain why it's not selfish to make some sort of effort to have your nearest and dearest with you on your wedding day?

Let's not assume that all DWs don't make an effort to have their nearest and dearest there. My college roommate had a DW and she paid for her immediate family's plane tickets to Mexico so that they could be there with her. But regardless, it's not selfish because if the couple is paying, they get to decide where it'll be. For that matter, aren't elopements selfish? Aren't weddings held in the B&G's hometown where no other family lives selfish? I have a very hard time attaching the word selfish to anyone when the only thing they did "wrong" was have their wedding where they wanted to have it.

ThankfulSnail

JMO, having a wedding is selfish no matter how you do it- big or small, near or far, you're thinking of what you want for your wedding. You can't please everyone, and while you might take Aunt Jojo or Grandma's feelings into consideration, you HAVE to be selfish at some point and do what's right for you and your future husband even if it's not what's best for every single one of your nearest and dearest, or you're never going to get married.

Just my 2 cents.

SP29

@Wegl13 Maybe the way to word it is, it would be considerate to think of your guests when choosing a wedding location, not that it is selfish to have a DW.

Personally- I wouldn't plan a wedding based on the location alone, I would consider my guests. Personally, I wouldn't do a DW. But that doesn't mean DW are against etiquette, or that the B&G who have one are selfish. (Some families love DWs!)

I do agree with snowywinter- if by saying a DW is inherently selfish, then that would follow the same for an elopement or private ceremony. And that is not true.

It is up to the bride and the groom to decide how they would like to be married. Some couples want a large wedding with everyone there, some would rather elope or have  private ceremony at City Hall. None of those options are wrong.

DH would've eloped with me. I told him I would do it if we did it in Bora Bora (Bora Bora or bust! :P). If we were to elope it would be somewhere exotic that we would create some meaning out of. But in actuality I said no, it is in fact important that our families be there (and they would want to be there), so our priority became being considerate of our guests.

I think the key for the B&G is to decide what their priority is, and realize if they plan a DW, that all of their guests may be unable to come. Thus, if they WANT to have all their friends and family present, maybe they should re-think the DW. If they are OK with declines, then plan away!

Knottie15750195

I thought my friends idea to get married in Iceland was wonderful for her and her husband. I know how much they love it there. I just couldn't be there. I thought she understood my situation. perhaps she also thought she understood and was okay with it but regretted it day-of. Oh well. Moving on!

lightningsnow

My brother and SIL got married in Bermuda. They told everyone in the family that was where they were getting married. If you could afford to come, great. If not, they wouldn't hold it against anyone. My mother's side of the family is complicated and drama filled. They wanted to avoid all of that and decided to have their wedding in Bermuda. My parents saved the money because they would never miss it. It was beautiful and it fit with who they are so well.

In all honesty when I get married to BF, I would love to get married somewhere nice like that. However, BF is Catholic and he wants the church wedding so I agreed that will happen when we get married.

db1984

dreadpirateroberts said:

db1984 said:

I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).

Not that I'm doubting you, but I'm super confused by this. At a normal walking pace of 3mph, 25 miles would take more than 8 hours. You're saying your friend asked you to walk a marathon to get to her shower? Were you going to have to walk back again afterwards? And why were you walking anyway??? Omg I'm entranced with this storyline haha. Maybe it was supposed to be 2.5 miles? 

Nope, it was 25 miles.  All she (I'll call her Carol) knew was that she could drive there from her house in 10 minutes.  The shower was planned for a Sunday.  There was no public transportation from my town to anywhere on Sundays at the time.  I didn't have a car and the only one I had access to belonged to my sister, who was out of town and "selfishly" took her car with her.  All the other guests were from Carol's town, no one lived near me for me to catch a ride.

This is the same woman who threatened to sue a sub shop for putting onions on her sandwich.  She was pregnant, didn't they know?  She can't be eating onions when she's pregnant because of the heartburn.  How dare they not notice she was pregnant and know enough not to put them there.  She shouldn't have had to tell them!    She was always threatening to sue over imagined slights.

She also showed up to my mother's wake years later and got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't leave the funeral home to go get coffee and "catch up on her life."

Earlier this year, she showed up at my house at 10:30 one night and pounded on the front door.  I wasn't expecting anyone so I didn't answer.  I was reaching for my phone when I heard someone walking around on the front porch, I glanced over and saw a face pressed up against the window and heard her calling my name.  She's lucky I recognized her or there would have been a very heavy paperweight sailing through the window and smashing into her face.  I opened the door and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing.  She wanted to come in and "catch up."  At 10:30 at night.  I told her it wasn't a good time, there wasn't going to be a good time, and she should leave.   Fortunately for both of us (she didn't get hurt and I didn't get arrested for hurting her), she did. 

SP29

Holy crap db1984!!! I can't believe this person actually exists. How does she manage life??

MGP

SP29 said:

Holy crap db1984!!! I can't believe this person actually exists. How does she manage life??

Yes, please tell us more stories abour Crazy Carol. I am so intrigued how people like this make it day to day.

[Deleted User]

MGP said:

Holy crap db1984!!! I can't believe this person actually exists. How does she manage life??

Yes, please tell us more stories abour Crazy Carol. I am so intrigued how people like this make it day to day.

*chanting* Story time!  StoryTime!!  STOry TIMe!!!!!

PrettyGirlLost

What a fucking prima donna narcissist!

Anyone who expects me to sleep in my car or take out loans in order to attend her DW is totally out of touch with reality and a shitty, shitty person, frankly.  Good riddance!

OP, I'm sorry your good friend turned out to be such a horrible brat

ETA:  Don't people understand the concept of a honeymoon anymore?! 

I'm not a fan of DWs for all of the reasons brought up by the OP, but I know that many women here have had lovely DWs and were very reasonable and sane with their expectations of their guests.

AddieCake

@db1984 These are awesome stories. I love it.

zitiqueen

huskypuppy14 said:

zitiqueen said:

Knottie15750195 said:

  (I was on strike for 6 weeks, hubbies contract ended and he was without a job for five months, our wedding was last June, and his BIL is now having a DW in November).

Can you explain the bolded? Wouldn't your H's BIL either be your brother, or married to his sister or brother?

FTFY.

D'OH!

You're so right! I'm so embarrassed!

QueridaSara

I said "I'm really sorry that I couldn't go". Her reply was very calm and calculated "well, it was a choice".

Pardon?

A wedding invitation is just that; an invitation.  It's not a subpoena.  I'm sure you would have loved to attend, but financially, it wasn't viable.  And that's okay.  She has no right to talk to you that way, and make you feel guilty.  You're better off with her. 

Send her here; the PP are far more eloquent than I.

huskypuppy14

db1984 said:

dreadpirateroberts said:

db1984 said:

I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).

Not that I'm doubting you, but I'm super confused by this. At a normal walking pace of 3mph, 25 miles would take more than 8 hours. You're saying your friend asked you to walk a marathon to get to her shower? Were you going to have to walk back again afterwards? And why were you walking anyway??? Omg I'm entranced with this storyline haha. Maybe it was supposed to be 2.5 miles? 

Nope, it was 25 miles.  All she (I'll call her Carol) knew was that she could drive there from her house in 10 minutes.  The shower was planned for a Sunday.  There was no public transportation from my town to anywhere on Sundays at the time.  I didn't have a car and the only one I had access to belonged to my sister, who was out of town and "selfishly" took her car with her.  All the other guests were from Carol's town, no one lived near me for me to catch a ride.

This is the same woman who threatened to sue a sub shop for putting onions on her sandwich.  She was pregnant, didn't they know?  She can't be eating onions when she's pregnant because of the heartburn.  How dare they not notice she was pregnant and know enough not to put them there.  She shouldn't have had to tell them!    She was always threatening to sue over imagined slights.

She also showed up to my mother's wake years later and got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't leave the funeral home to go get coffee and "catch up on her life."

Earlier this year, she showed up at my house at 10:30 one night and pounded on the front door.  I wasn't expecting anyone so I didn't answer.  I was reaching for my phone when I heard someone walking around on the front porch, I glanced over and saw a face pressed up against the window and heard her calling my name.  She's lucky I recognized her or there would have been a very heavy paperweight sailing through the window and smashing into her face.  I opened the door and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing.  She wanted to come in and "catch up."  At 10:30 at night.  I told her it wasn't a good time, there wasn't going to be a good time, and she should leave.   Fortunately for both of us (she didn't get hurt and I didn't get arrested for hurting her), she did. 

So she can drive 150 miles an hour? You can't drive 25 miles in 10 minutes, but she sure sounds crazy,

onefootinthebayou

huskypuppy14 said:

db1984 said:

dreadpirateroberts said:

db1984 said:

I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).

Not that I'm doubting you, but I'm super confused by this. At a normal walking pace of 3mph, 25 miles would take more than 8 hours. You're saying your friend asked you to walk a marathon to get to her shower? Were you going to have to walk back again afterwards? And why were you walking anyway??? Omg I'm entranced with this storyline haha. Maybe it was supposed to be 2.5 miles? 

Nope, it was 25 miles.  All she (I'll call her Carol) knew was that she could drive there from her house in 10 minutes.  The shower was planned for a Sunday.  There was no public transportation from my town to anywhere on Sundays at the time.  I didn't have a car and the only one I had access to belonged to my sister, who was out of town and "selfishly" took her car with her.  All the other guests were from Carol's town, no one lived near me for me to catch a ride.

This is the same woman who threatened to sue a sub shop for putting onions on her sandwich.  She was pregnant, didn't they know?  She can't be eating onions when she's pregnant because of the heartburn.  How dare they not notice she was pregnant and know enough not to put them there.  She shouldn't have had to tell them!    She was always threatening to sue over imagined slights.

She also showed up to my mother's wake years later and got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't leave the funeral home to go get coffee and "catch up on her life."

Earlier this year, she showed up at my house at 10:30 one night and pounded on the front door.  I wasn't expecting anyone so I didn't answer.  I was reaching for my phone when I heard someone walking around on the front porch, I glanced over and saw a face pressed up against the window and heard her calling my name.  She's lucky I recognized her or there would have been a very heavy paperweight sailing through the window and smashing into her face.  I opened the door and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing.  She wanted to come in and "catch up."  At 10:30 at night.  I told her it wasn't a good time, there wasn't going to be a good time, and she should leave.   Fortunately for both of us (she didn't get hurt and I didn't get arrested for hurting her), she did. 





So she can drive 150 miles an hour? You can't drive 25 miles in 10 minutes, but she sure sounds crazy,

I read it that Crazy Carol lived 10 mins away and that @db1984 lived 25 mi away and had no car but that since Crazy Carol was so oblivious to bd's situation she expected her to show up from a distance of 25 miles w/O a vehicle.

huskypuppy14

Snip__________

So she can drive 150 miles an hour? You can't drive 25 miles in 10 minutes, but she sure sounds crazy,

I read it that Crazy Carol lived 10 mins away and that @db1984 lived 25 mi away and had no car but that since Crazy Carol was so oblivious to bd's situation she expected her to show up from a distance of 25 miles w/O a vehicle.

Oh that makes more sense. 

ChemFanatic25

db1984 said:

dreadpirateroberts said:

db1984 said:

I ended a 20+ year friendship with someone because she was furious that I wasn't willing to walk 25 MILES with a four-year-old and an infant in a stroller to go to the baby shower she was throwing herself (by proxy---she talked a coworker into having it at her home and putting her name on the invites as hostess, but my former friend was putting it all together + paying for it all).  Oh, and this was for her third child (all boys).

Not that I'm doubting you, but I'm super confused by this. At a normal walking pace of 3mph, 25 miles would take more than 8 hours. You're saying your friend asked you to walk a marathon to get to her shower? Were you going to have to walk back again afterwards? And why were you walking anyway??? Omg I'm entranced with this storyline haha. Maybe it was supposed to be 2.5 miles? 

Nope, it was 25 miles.  All she (I'll call her Carol) knew was that she could drive there from her house in 10 minutes.  The shower was planned for a Sunday.  There was no public transportation from my town to anywhere on Sundays at the time.  I didn't have a car and the only one I had access to belonged to my sister, who was out of town and "selfishly" took her car with her.  All the other guests were from Carol's town, no one lived near me for me to catch a ride.

This is the same woman who threatened to sue a sub shop for putting onions on her sandwich.  She was pregnant, didn't they know?  She can't be eating onions when she's pregnant because of the heartburn.  How dare they not notice she was pregnant and know enough not to put them there.  She shouldn't have had to tell them!    She was always threatening to sue over imagined slights.

She also showed up to my mother's wake years later and got all bent out of shape because I wouldn't leave the funeral home to go get coffee and "catch up on her life."

Earlier this year, she showed up at my house at 10:30 one night and pounded on the front door.  I wasn't expecting anyone so I didn't answer.  I was reaching for my phone when I heard someone walking around on the front porch, I glanced over and saw a face pressed up against the window and heard her calling my name.  She's lucky I recognized her or there would have been a very heavy paperweight sailing through the window and smashing into her face.  I opened the door and asked her what the hell she thought she was doing.  She wanted to come in and "catch up."  At 10:30 at night.  I told her it wasn't a good time, there wasn't going to be a good time, and she should leave.   Fortunately for both of us (she didn't get hurt and I didn't get arrested for hurting her), she did. 

This right here, I would have been done and gone. When my father died I drove 3 hours for his funeral by myself because my ex didn't want to join me because he didn't feel like it and I was in a very dark place and he didn't really want to deal with it. At that point, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had started to check out of the relationship even though I didn't recognize it right away (unfortunately because we got engaged less than a month later and I wasn't thinking straight). Anyway, this was a person I was supposed to marry and this was a red flag for me. If this had just been an acquaintance or friend you can bet your ass those would be the last words I would say to them.

Sherbie25

Knottie15750195 said:

A good friend had her wedding in Iceland two months ago (we are on the West Coast of Canada). The entire time she was planning, I let her know from the get-go that I wouldn't be able to attend a DW in Icelad, due to severe financial issues over the past year  (I was on strike for 6 weeks, hubbies contract ended and he was without a job for five months, our wedding was last June, and his BIL is now having a DW in November). The entire time leading up to her wedding I tried to be as involved as I could, co-hosting her Bridal Shower and getting excited over the details with her. I told her I was sad that I couldn't go, but so excited for her to have her dream wedding. I thought we were okay, since she said she "knew it was a lot to ask" to have people travel to Iceland.

She returned from her DW two months ago and was really putting off seeing me and catching up about her wedding. I knew something was up, but couldn't figure out what I did. Two weeks ago I nudged her again and she agreed to hang out today. As we were hanging out and I was asking questions about the wedding, and saying how beautiful things looked in the pictures, I said "I'm really sorry that I couldn't go". Her reply was very calm and calculated "well, it was a choice". 

Needless to say I was pretty shocked and very saddened. Maybe devastated. I knew something was wrong but I didn't think she was holding a grudge that I didn't -- couldn't -- go. I truly couldn't afford to go, but when I stated that again, she mentioned how there were other friends who were "in worse or equal situations" to my husband and I who made it work. By sleeping in their cars, taking out extra loans, ets. "It was even really hard for us to make it happen" she said. 

I suppose it was a "choice" but I don't even know if the banks would have given us more on our line of credit. I'd also expect a friend to be more considerate of me trying to be financially responsible and not max-out credit for a wedding.

I really was blindsided by this and tried to turn things so she could see them from my perspective. Of course I wanted to be there with her. Of course it entirely SUCKED to have to stay home, not go to Iceland, NOT witness your good friend have this incredible milestone. But I thought people who threw DW understood that not everyone can attend these things, and it usually has NOTHING to do with the couple getting married!! Read: my ability to travel thousands of miles during unpaid vacation time has NOTHING to do with how much I love you. It has EVERYTHING to do with paying for food!!!

Well, it ended badly. I was really upset and I just needed time away from her. I thanked her for her honesty, but I'm pretty wounded. It's also unbeleivable to me that she would expect me to take out more loans to prove my friendship to her. In fact, I think that sort of thinking speaks for itself. I don't know anyone else that would expect that sort of grand gesture to prove a friendship. I was her friend, a good one, and now I'm sad that it's likely over.

Sorry this was a bit of a rant. Have you ever had something similar happen?

s Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her! What kind of person expects people to take out loans or sleep in their car to attend their wedding? Don't feel bad for one millisecond. In the words of Susie from CYE, she's a 'car wash cunt'!