Destination Weddings

Thanks for second guessing our wedding plans

FI and I are having a destination wedding in Jamaica because it is something we wanted to do. It saved us money by cutting a lot of the guest list (we're not going into debt for this), planning is WAY easier and less stressful and we get to start our honeymoon right away. However, over the course of a year we've had a few people second guess our decision because it is inconvenient...for them. "Why couldn't you just do it here?". Answer: <insert reasons mentioned above and give them a little side-eye>.

How many of you destination wedding brides have had to hear the same and what did you say to them?

Re: Thanks for second guessing our wedding plans

  • Let me caution you now that there is that same sentiment among some posters here on TK.

    Frankly, I find nothing wrong with DWs, so long as the B&G aren't pissed when people decline. It's your wedding, your choice. Just accept that some friends and possibly family won't come. If you're good with that (which it sounds like you are), then I see no problem with choosing to have a DW.
    Knottie15750195CMGragainRrobinson15
  • My FI and I are getting married where we currently live, which is neither of our home towns. While this isn't a DW per say, almost 90% of our guests are traveling in for us. Yes, some people were not happy because we are keeping it to immediate friends and family (about 50 people).

    What we decided to do is have a gathering in both of our home towns post wedding. It's just a "come meet my husband / wife" very informal event. Think backyard bbq, nothing fancy at all. This seemed to make everyone so happy and content as they were now being included in something.

    Please keep in mind that I think it is not really etiquette to do this, so I may get some comments about how you are not supposed to invite people to wedding related events that aren't in your wedding. Please note that I did not invite anyone to dress fittings, showers (we didn't have one), bachelorette party, etc. that are not invited to the actual wedding.

    Knottie15750195
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    DWs are inconvenient for guests most of the time. Most of the time, people will have to pay more and travel longer to attend. Obviously, even if you were getting married at home, some people may still have to travel. But, often times, getting domestic air and a domestic hotel are cheaper. There are also passport costs and, for some, traveling is very stressful, especially internationally. Maybe these people would never travel at all so it's overwhelming. DWs do often put more burden on guests than more traditional weddings.

    Because of this, having a DW basically means you are willing to have a wedding with only the two of you and your VIP guests, who should be 100% on board with the plans, costs, etc. If you invite others and they can attend- great! Added bonus. An invitation is not a summons and they absolutely have the right to decline. If they do, the couple should be completely understanding of this and be accepting of the fact that not everyone can be there. The best thing to do is just pass along that you are sorry they may not be able to attend and thank them for their support. I would not scrap your plans for a few comments, unless they come from people you absolutely have to have at the wedding. After all, these people may not even be able to attend a local wedding either!

     







    PupatellaKnottie15750195CMGragainlyndausvi
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited August 2015
    FI and I are having a destination wedding in Jamaica because it is something we wanted to do. It saved us money by cutting a lot of the guest list (we're not going into debt for this), planning is WAY easier and less stressful and we get to start our honeymoon right away. However, over the course of a year we've had a few people second guess our decision because it is inconvenient...for them. "Why couldn't you just do it here?". Answer: <insert reasons mentioned above and give them a little side-eye>.

    How many of you destination wedding brides have had to hear the same and what did you say to them?
    It is very understandable that people might be disappointed that they are unable to attend your wedding, due to costs, time, etc.   Their question is reasonable.
    The only good answer is this:  "We have chosen to have a destination wedding in Jamaica.  We are very excited about it.  I am sorry if you are disappointed."
    No side-eyeing from you is allowed.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Knottie15750195japrincess24lc07
  • FI and I are having a destination wedding in Jamaica because it is something we wanted to do. It saved us money by cutting a lot of the guest list (we're not going into debt for this), planning is WAY easier and less stressful and we get to start our honeymoon right away. However, over the course of a year we've had a few people second guess our decision because it is inconvenient...for them. "Why couldn't you just do it here?". Answer: <insert reasons mentioned above and give them a little side-eye>.

    How many of you destination wedding brides have had to hear the same and what did you say to them?

    I hope you never tell people whom
    You have united to spend thousands of dollars and give up their vacation on a holiday planned by you (if I'm going on a holiday, it'll be where I choose on my schedule) that you are doing it because it is cheaper!

    DH's cousin got married in Mexico. They were originally planning on DR. His fiancée announced in a packed room of DH's family that they were getting married in DR because it was the most economical way for them. Everyone in the room was invited. I told DH I was furious and no way was I attending. I would never stop him from going to his cousin's wedding (not that I actually could). No way would I spend over $4000 for the two of us to attend if she's doing it simply because it's cheaper. We ended up going to Vegas the week before their wedding instead.

    If you want to get married in some exotic locale, go for it. I'll be happy for you. I probably won't make it (as I'm a teacher and they always happen when im working). Don't tell me you're doing it to save you money and then ask me to shell out thousands.

    I get it. People are thinking it's cheaper than $4000 for two people. I'm in Canada - rural. We would also have to drive 6-7 hours (depending which departure city) to get to our flights. Night in a hotel both ways. Food in restaurants for two extra days.
    banana468Liatris2010
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    I agree I wouldn't tell people you did it because it's cheaper for you by cutting guests. I would just say you're doing it there because you want to, tell them you hope they can make it, and change the subject. Repeat as necessary.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    CMGragainRrobinson15
  • I absolutely agree that if you have a destination wedding there will be a limited guest list because it's so far away. We're fine with that and I'm not upset with guest not being able to come. If they express regrets we tell them we are sorry they won't be there and we will miss them.

    What I don't like is people trying to get us to change our plans because they can't make it. I might be wrong, but is it acceptable to ask the couple to change their wedding plans because you the guest can't make it? I don't blame them for not coming and I don't give them side eye for not coming. They get it because they tell me "we want to make this a week vacation for us and our kids, but we can't afford that. Is there anyway the location could change?"
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    I absolutely agree that if you have a destination wedding there will be a limited guest list because it's so far away. We're fine with that and I'm not upset with guest not being able to come. If they express regrets we tell them we are sorry they won't be there and we will miss them. What I don't like is people trying to get us to change our plans because they can't make it. I might be wrong, but is it acceptable to ask the couple to change their wedding plans because you the guest can't make it? I don't blame them for not coming and I don't give them side eye for not coming. They get it because they tell me "we want to make this a week vacation for us and our kids, but we can't afford that. Is there anyway the location could change?"
    It is called ignoring their question.  Sounds like these people just really wanted to be able to see you get married.  Sometimes people say things that don't always come out well.  So instead of focusing on being annoyed, why not focus on the fact that you have a bunch of people who are really excited for you and had wanted to witness it in person.

    lc07
  • FI and I have gotten this type of attitude a lot about our DW, mostly from either invited guests who cannot afford the trip, or people who likely would have been invited if it were local.  Our decision was based on the significance of the location/date to us, and that we did not want  our first several hours as husband and wife to feel like a business transaction or political game... we did a guest list for where we live (I grew up here, he grew up several states away, so his side would have traveled anyway), and it would have been between 350-500 guests in attendance ( our families are a cross between catholics, mormons, greek/italians, and farmers... just think my big fat greek wedding and you can get the picture).  It was out of control, and was not how we wanted to begin our wedded life together.

    Our response has been to people who are either not invited or display irritation at the DW is "we appreciate you wanting to celebrate our marriage, but we wanted the date and location of our wedding  to have a special significance to our lives. we carefully considered how we wanted our lives as husband and wife to begin.  we are very excited, and hope you will celebrate with us in spirit on our wedding day."

    On the flip side, we have also had people who are more of acquaintances (parents friends) approach us and tell us how excited they are to attend our wedding. Mostly they are looking for an excuse to go on vacation without the kids... They are not on the guest list, and we have had to ask our parents to handle it by saying, "while we appreciate your enthusiasm, the guest list is limited due to the location."

    I received an invitation to a local wedding where the response card had "will not be attending, but will be thinking of you at 3:14 on March 14." They were both engineers, so the date and time are pi.  I loved that they opened it up for people to still think about them at the time of the wedding.  We are adding something to that effect on our response cards.  As much as we would love to have all of our guests there, we understand that a DW does mean we sacrifice some guests.  Having people who can't be there still think about us or pray for us during the first few hours of our marriage can be just as meaningful.
    snowywinter
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    No, it is not appropriate for anyone to ask you to change your plans.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    snowywinterRrobinson15
  • AddieCake said:
    No, it is not appropriate for anyone to ask you to change your plans.
    I don't think anyone was asking her to change her plans.  They were just questioning why she chose to do it this way.  They wouldn't like her answer, would they?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • FI and I have gotten this type of attitude a lot about our DW, mostly from either invited guests who cannot afford the trip, or people who likely would have been invited if it were local.  Our decision was based on the significance of the location/date to us, and that we did not want  our first several hours as husband and wife to feel like a business transaction or political game... we did a guest list for where we live (I grew up here, he grew up several states away, so his side would have traveled anyway), and it would have been between 350-500 guests in attendance ( our families are a cross between catholics, mormons, greek/italians, and farmers... just think my big fat greek wedding and you can get the picture).  It was out of control, and was not how we wanted to begin our wedded life together.

    Our response has been to people who are either not invited or display irritation at the DW is "we appreciate you wanting to celebrate our marriage, but we wanted the date and location of our wedding  to have a special significance to our lives. we carefully considered how we wanted our lives as husband and wife to begin.  we are very excited, and hope you will celebrate with us in spirit on our wedding day."

    On the flip side, we have also had people who are more of acquaintances (parents friends) approach us and tell us how excited they are to attend our wedding. Mostly they are looking for an excuse to go on vacation without the kids... They are not on the guest list, and we have had to ask our parents to handle it by saying, "while we appreciate your enthusiasm, the guest list is limited due to the location."

    I received an invitation to a local wedding where the response card had "will not be attending, but will be thinking of you at 3:14 on March 14." They were both engineers, so the date and time are pi.  I loved that they opened it up for people to still think about them at the time of the wedding.  We are adding something to that effect on our response cards.  As much as we would love to have all of our guests there, we understand that a DW does mean we sacrifice some guests.  Having people who can't be there still think about us or pray for us during the first few hours of our marriage can be just as meaningful.
    Knottie1437418780

    You know you can just cut your guest list even if you don't have a DW, right? Totally an option.
    image
    redoryxMaggie0829
  • I simply said "Our location has a special meaning for us, so it seemed like the natural place to have it. I hope you can make it." And left it at that.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    Knottie00267128
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    FI and I have gotten this type of attitude a lot about our DW, mostly from either invited guests who cannot afford the trip, or people who likely would have been invited if it were local.  Our decision was based on the significance of the location/date to us, and that we did not want  our first several hours as husband and wife to feel like a business transaction or political game... we did a guest list for where we live (I grew up here, he grew up several states away, so his side would have traveled anyway), and it would have been between 350-500 guests in attendance ( our families are a cross between catholics, mormons, greek/italians, and farmers... just think my big fat greek wedding and you can get the picture).  It was out of control, and was not how we wanted to begin our wedded life together.

    Our response has been to people who are either not invited or display irritation at the DW is "we appreciate you wanting to celebrate our marriage, but we wanted the date and location of our wedding  to have a special significance to our lives. we carefully considered how we wanted our lives as husband and wife to begin.  we are very excited, and hope you will celebrate with us in spirit on our wedding day."

    On the flip side, we have also had people who are more of acquaintances (parents friends) approach us and tell us how excited they are to attend our wedding. Mostly they are looking for an excuse to go on vacation without the kids... They are not on the guest list, and we have had to ask our parents to handle it by saying, "while we appreciate your enthusiasm, the guest list is limited due to the location."

    I received an invitation to a local wedding where the response card had "will not be attending, but will be thinking of you at 3:14 on March 14." They were both engineers, so the date and time are pi.  I loved that they opened it up for people to still think about them at the time of the wedding.  We are adding something to that effect on our response cards.  As much as we would love to have all of our guests there, we understand that a DW does mean we sacrifice some guests.  Having people who can't be there still think about us or pray for us during the first few hours of our marriage can be just as meaningful.
    Knottie1437418780

    You know you can just cut your guest list even if you don't have a DW, right? Totally an option.
    Stop it with your logic.

    thespeshulestsnowflakeartbyallie
  • FI and I have gotten this type of attitude a lot about our DW, mostly from either invited guests who cannot afford the trip, or people who likely would have been invited if it were local.  Our decision was based on the significance of the location/date to us, and that we did not want  our first several hours as husband and wife to feel like a business transaction or political game... we did a guest list for where we live (I grew up here, he grew up several states away, so his side would have traveled anyway), and it would have been between 350-500 guests in attendance ( our families are a cross between catholics, mormons, greek/italians, and farmers... just think my big fat greek wedding and you can get the picture).  It was out of control, and was not how we wanted to begin our wedded life together.

    Our response has been to people who are either not invited or display irritation at the DW is "we appreciate you wanting to celebrate our marriage, but we wanted the date and location of our wedding  to have a special significance to our lives. we carefully considered how we wanted our lives as husband and wife to begin.  we are very excited, and hope you will celebrate with us in spirit on our wedding day."

    On the flip side, we have also had people who are more of acquaintances (parents friends) approach us and tell us how excited they are to attend our wedding. Mostly they are looking for an excuse to go on vacation without the kids... They are not on the guest list, and we have had to ask our parents to handle it by saying, "while we appreciate your enthusiasm, the guest list is limited due to the location."

    I received an invitation to a local wedding where the response card had "will not be attending, but will be thinking of you at 3:14 on March 14." They were both engineers, so the date and time are pi.  I loved that they opened it up for people to still think about them at the time of the wedding.  We are adding something to that effect on our response cards.  As much as we would love to have all of our guests there, we understand that a DW does mean we sacrifice some guests.  Having people who can't be there still think about us or pray for us during the first few hours of our marriage can be just as meaningful.
    I don't think you should add something like that to your cards (bolded part in last paragraph). If people wish to write in that they will be thinking of you then they may do so but it's presumptuous to assume that just because they are declining means they will be thinking of you. If you're having a destination wedding and you're not one of like 5 people really close to me then I'm certainly not thinking about you on your wedding day, I'm checking decline and not thinking about it again.

    OP it is rude of people to ask you that question, the choice is yours and your fiances and you shouldn't have to explain it to anyone. The problem I have with destination weddings is that a lot of times you are required to stay at a certain resort or cruise and those have a minimum number or nights to stay. So you are requiring that I not only come for your wedding but I have to stay for 4 additional nights and make that my vacation for the year. Where if it were just a city in the US I could fly in that day if I needed to and fly back out the next morning. It's your choice entirely and no one should try to make you feel bad about your choice but you have to understand that you're asking a lot more of them then you would be if you chose another location in the US even if it wasn't local. Plus it kind of sounds like you do have the wrong attitude and used a DW to narrow down guests rather than just not inviting people you didn't want present. Sorry if that isn't the case it's just how the post reads.
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    YogaSandy
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited August 2015
    CMGragain said:
    AddieCake said:
    No, it is not appropriate for anyone to ask you to change your plans.
    I don't think anyone was asking her to change her plans.  They were just questioning why she chose to do it this way.  They wouldn't like her answer, would they?

    OP specifically asked "Is it acceptable to ask the couple to change their wedding plans because you the guest can't make it," so I was responding to that.
    I absolutely agree that if you have a destination wedding there will be a limited guest list because it's so far away. We're fine with that and I'm not upset with guest not being able to come. If they express regrets we tell them we are sorry they won't be there and we will miss them. What I don't like is people trying to get us to change our plans because they can't make it. I might be wrong, but is it acceptable to ask the couple to change their wedding plans because you the guest can't make it? I don't blame them for not coming and I don't give them side eye for not coming. They get it because they tell me "we want to make this a week vacation for us and our kids, but we can't afford that. Is there anyway the location could change?"

    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • The person did actually ask "is there anyway the location could change?". They really did want us to change it because they couldn't stay a week with their family.
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    The person did actually ask "is there anyway the location could change?". They really did want us to change it because they couldn't stay a week with their family.
    why would they have to stay a week? If you are getting married at a Sandals or Couples and they can't bring their kids, I can see that it may be too difficult to travel. But, if everyone is welcome, they absolutely do not have to stay a week. They could easily do 3 or 4 nights at the resort if they can afford the trip in the first place.

     







  • That's what I am saying. They said if they were going to go to Jamaica they were going to make a family vacation out of it and stay a full week .
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator 5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its
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    That's what I am saying. They said if they were going to go to Jamaica they were going to make a family vacation out of it and stay a full week .


    Well, that's dumb. If they can go for a few days, then they should just make it happen!!!

    It sounds like my ILs. We try to get them come visit us for a few days every year. It's only a 2 hour flight and we often offer to pay for the flights. But, they say that if they are going to fly, they want to stay for more than week, but they can never stay for more than a week because of our work schedules or their schedules. So, why not just come stay with us for a few days so, you know, you can see us?? They just refuse to do it. They complain they never see us but then complain about only being with us for a few days. UGH.

     







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