Matron of Honor Dropped Out... What do I do?

Knottiebk

My MOH dropped out 5 months until the wedding. She found out in June that she is pregnant and will be 8 months by the time the wedding came around. Her husband took a job across the country and they moved. Because she is pregnant and will be so far along by the time the wedding comes, she dropped out. Things also didn't end so well between us as she wasn't being honest with me about her situation. I understand that she has her own life to live.

Now, I am without a MOH. I have three bridesmaids - 1 being a good friend from college, 1 being my fiance's sister in law (future sister is law) and 1 being my fiance's cousin. I have no sisters or cousins. My friend lives in another city 4 hours away and hasn't helped me much or stepped up since my MOH dropped. My future SIL has stepped up and has helped my mom and future MIL a lot with my bridal shower and she has planned my bachelorette party. I am not super close to her though. My fiance's cousin is working full time and also lives in another city 4 hours away and I should note I am also not super close to her either.

I was thinking of asking my friend to be a MOH but I didn't want to offend her as I originally did not ask her. She also hasn't stepped up much since my MOH dropped out. So I was thinking of asking a family member. I was thinking of asking my future SIL since she has done so much but I am not all that close to her.

My grandmom found out about my situation and wants to be a bridesmaid. Instead of making her a bridesmaid, I was thinking of making her my Matron of Honor but I am not sure about that. My grandmom can get a little feisty and unpredictable.

So ladies... I need your advice. What would you do in my situation? I don't want to just ask someone to be my MOH to fill a position. I am obviously all over the place about this situation but I just have no idea what to do as I was completely blindsided by this and my MOH was my best friend. I also do not want to offend anyone. 

lyndausvi

you don't need an MOH.   I would just keep the BM's you have and be done with it.

ETA  - Your MOH:  if you are still 5 months out and she will be 8 months by the wedding that means she is only 3 months along.  Many people do not share they are pregnant until after 12 weeks.    

  Taking another job is often a hush, hush thing until it's all confirmed.   People do not want it to get back to old job or if it's internal the company wants to make the announcement formally.    

 I wouldn't hold it against her for not telling you until now.   BFF or not, some things between a couple needs to be kept private until they are ready to make it public.

jacques27

Congratulations.  You have three bridesmaids.  You don't "promote" someone.  You don't ask a back-up.  MOH is not a role that has to be filled.  They don't have any duties beyond what the bridesmaids already have, which is buy an outfit and show up to the wedding sober enough to walk down an aisle and be in your general vicinity standing or sitting.  That's it.  Sucks that your friend had to drop out, but this is in no way a problem that requires you to do anything other than feel momentarily disappointed by your friend not being able to be there, then hopefully happy that she has some good things happening in her life, and then just carry on with your plans business as usual.

As for the person who wants to be a bridesmaid, if you want them then ask them.  If you don't, then don't.  I"m assuming you don't actually want that as you would have asked this person from the get go.  So if that's the case, then stick with that.  You shouldn't ask just because you have a "slot" to fill.

justsie

bgdivico said:

My MOH dropped out 5 months until the wedding. She found out in June that she is pregnant and will be 8 months by the time the wedding came around. Her husband took a job across the country and they moved. Because she is pregnant and will be so far along by the time the wedding comes, she dropped out. Things also didn't end so well between us as she wasn't being honest with me about her situation. I understand that she has her own life to live.

Now, I am without a MOH. I have three bridesmaids - 1 being a good friend from college, 1 being my fiance's sister in law (future sister is law) and 1 being my fiance's cousin. I have no sisters or cousins. My friend lives in another city 4 hours away and hasn't helped me much or stepped up since my MOH dropped. My future SIL has stepped up and has helped my mom and future MIL a lot with my bridal shower and she has planned my bachelorette party. I am not super close to her though. My fiance's cousin is working full time and also lives in another city 4 hours away and I should note I am also not super close to her either.

I was thinking of asking my friend to be a MOH but I didn't want to offend her as I originally did not ask her. She also hasn't stepped up much since my MOH dropped out. So I was thinking of asking a family member. I was thinking of asking my future SIL since she has done so much but I am not all that close to her.

My grandmom found out about my situation and wants to be a bridesmaid. Instead of making her a bridesmaid, I was thinking of making her my Matron of Honor but I am not sure about that. My grandmom can get a little feisty and unpredictable.

So ladies... I need your advice. What would you do in my situation? I don't want to just ask someone to be my MOH to fill a position. I am obviously all over the place about this situation but I just have no idea what to do as I was completely blindsided by this and my MOH was my best friend. I also do not want to offend anyone. 

Then don't, you don't have to have a MOH

CarnationsAndPearls

I agree with the others. You don't need a MOH. For my first wedding I had my four sisters as bridesmaids. I couldn't put one above the other, so they were all equally loved. I also had more BM than there were groomsmen, and it didn't look awkward or bad.

Viczaesar

bgdivico said:

My MOH dropped out 5 months until the wedding. She found out in June that she is pregnant and will be 8 months by the time the wedding came around. Her husband took a job across the country and they moved. Because she is pregnant and will be so far along by the time the wedding comes, she dropped out. Things also didn't end so well between us as she wasn't being honest with me about her situation. I understand that she has her own life to live.

Now, I am without a MOH. I have three bridesmaids - 1 being a good friend from college, 1 being my fiance's sister in law (future sister is law) and 1 being my fiance's cousin. I have no sisters or cousins. My friend lives in another city 4 hours away and hasn't helped me much or stepped up since my MOH dropped. My future SIL has stepped up and has helped my mom and future MIL a lot with my bridal shower and she has planned my bachelorette party. I am not super close to her though. My fiance's cousin is working full time and also lives in another city 4 hours away and I should note I am also not super close to her either.

I was thinking of asking my friend to be a MOH but I didn't want to offend her as I originally did not ask her. She also hasn't stepped up much since my MOH dropped out. So I was thinking of asking a family member. I was thinking of asking my future SIL since she has done so much but I am not all that close to her.

My grandmom found out about my situation and wants to be a bridesmaid. Instead of making her a bridesmaid, I was thinking of making her my Matron of Honor but I am not sure about that. My grandmom can get a little feisty and unpredictable.

So ladies... I need your advice. What would you do in my situation? I don't want to just ask someone to be my MOH to fill a position. I am obviously all over the place about this situation but I just have no idea what to do as I was completely blindsided by this and my MOH was my best friend. I also do not want to offend anyone. 

All of the bolded is irrelevant.  The role of MOH doesn't come with any duties, and neither does the role of bridesmaid.  They are ceremonial roles where you honor them for being the closest people to you.  You should not expect anyone to "step up" in terms of doing stuff for your wedding, and you should not ask anybody to be a replacement MOH.

Knottiebk

Thank you ladies for your suggestions. I'm going to follow the advice and just leave it as is. No need to ask someone to fill a position so to speak. I definitely do not want to ask anyone to be a replacement as I stated such in my original post.

What I meant by stepping up is just offering to help my mom and future MIL with the bridal shower. I do not expect any help in terms of planning things for my wedding and I would feel weird about them helping as I know it's my wedding and my responsibility.

As a side note: Even though she is 3 months along, she was announcing it to family and friends as soon as she got confirmation from the doctor at 8 weeks. She did not wait until the 2nd trimester to tell people. Additionally, her husband signed all the paperwork and told his old employer that he has a new opportunity before she told me they were moving. So things were finalized when she told me which is how it's supposed to be. I'm not holding anything against her as I understand that there are things that need to remain private between a couple.

Viczaesar

Knottiebk said:

Thank you ladies for your suggestions. I'm going to follow the advice and just leave it as is. No need to ask someone to fill a position so to speak. I definitely do not want to ask anyone to be a replacement as I stated such in my original post. What I meant by stepping up is just offering to help my mom and future MIL with the bridal shower. I do not expect any help in terms of planning things for my wedding and I would feel weird about them helping as I know it's my wedding and my responsibility. As a side note: Even though she is 3 months along, she was announcing it to family and friends as soon as she got confirmation from the doctor at 8 weeks. She did not wait until the 2nd trimester to tell people. Additionally, her husband signed all the paperwork and told his old employer that he has a new opportunity before she told me they were moving. So things were finalized when she told me which is how it's supposed to be. I'm not holding anything against her as I understand that there are things that need to remain private between a couple.

Still not their responsibility.  Their only responsibility is to show up at the wedding in the correct attire, which should be chosen with their budget and comfort in mind.

Knottiebk

According to the knot... The below article shows the responsibilities that a bridesmaid has.. 

The bridesmaid is an integral part of any wedding, on hand to comfort, console, multitask, and party hearty at all bridal events. Whether it's your first bridesmaid gig or your 50th, here's a cheat sheet of your to-dos.

• Offer to help with prewedding tasks. Try to be specific when you volunteer. For example, say, "Would you like me to help you shop for bridesmaid dresses/stuff invitations/pack for the honeymoon?" instead of just, "What can I do?"
• Scout out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other wedding accessories. Pay for the entire ensemble. (Break in your shoes before the wedding day -- that will minimize slipping, blisters, and aching tootsies.)
• Help to plan, cohost, and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party with other bridesmaids.
• If the maid/matron of honor isn't already handling this task, keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and bridal showers (so that the bride/couple can write thank-you notes); maintain RSVP lists.
• Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. (Keep abreast of all prewedding parties, and go to as many as possible.)
• Run last-minute errands. On the day of the wedding, be on hand to confirm flower delivery times, meet and greet the ceremony officiant, or satisfy junk food cravings.
• Stand in the receiving line at the bride's request.
• Serve as auxiliary hostess at the reception by introducing guests, making sure they know where the bar is located, and inviting them to sign the guest book.
• Hit the dance floor when the music kicks in. Dance with groomsmen during the formal first-dance sequence. Also, be on the lookout for toe-tapping guests who might need encouragement and/or a dance partner.
• Give the matron/maid of honor a break by helping to carry the bride's wedding gown train whenever necessary. Bustle the train before dancing begins, and be ready to help fix it if it comes unhooked. Accompany the bride on visits to the restroom, if asked.
• Purchase a wedding present perhaps with one or several of the other bridesmaids. This provides more buying power, and two heads are better than one when it comes to wedding gift ideas. Sometimes the entire bridesmaid troupe pitches in for one knock-her-socks-off wedding gift.
• Be a trooper, no matter how stressful the ordeal becomes. Try not to complain about the bridesmaid dress -- even if the color is horrendous. Be gracious and tactful.
• Provide plenty of emotional support during the planning and on the wedding day

website: https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail

TheCheeseWench

Knottiebk said:

According to the knot... The below article shows the responsibilities that a bridesmaid has.. 

The bridesmaid is an integral part of any wedding, on hand to comfort, console, multitask, and party hearty at all bridal events. Whether it's your first bridesmaid gig or your 50th, here's a cheat sheet of your to-dos.

• Offer to help with prewedding tasks. Try to be specific when you volunteer. For example, say, "Would you like me to help you shop for bridesmaid dresses/stuff invitations/pack for the honeymoon?" instead of just, "What can I do?"
• Scout out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other wedding accessories. Pay for the entire ensemble. (Break in your shoes before the wedding day -- that will minimize slipping, blisters, and aching tootsies.)
• Help to plan, cohost, and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party with other bridesmaids.
• If the maid/matron of honor isn't already handling this task, keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and bridal showers (so that the bride/couple can write thank-you notes); maintain RSVP lists.
• Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. (Keep abreast of all prewedding parties, and go to as many as possible.)
• Run last-minute errands. On the day of the wedding, be on hand to confirm flower delivery times, meet and greet the ceremony officiant, or satisfy junk food cravings.
• Stand in the receiving line at the bride's request.
• Serve as auxiliary hostess at the reception by introducing guests, making sure they know where the bar is located, and inviting them to sign the guest book.
• Hit the dance floor when the music kicks in. Dance with groomsmen during the formal first-dance sequence. Also, be on the lookout for toe-tapping guests who might need encouragement and/or a dance partner.
• Give the matron/maid of honor a break by helping to carry the bride's wedding gown train whenever necessary. Bustle the train before dancing begins, and be ready to help fix it if it comes unhooked. Accompany the bride on visits to the restroom, if asked.
• Purchase a wedding present perhaps with one or several of the other bridesmaids. This provides more buying power, and two heads are better than one when it comes to wedding gift ideas. Sometimes the entire bridesmaid troupe pitches in for one knock-her-socks-off wedding gift.
• Be a trooper, no matter how stressful the ordeal becomes. Try not to complain about the bridesmaid dress -- even if the color is horrendous. Be gracious and tactful.
• Provide plenty of emotional support during the planning and on the wedding day

website: https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail

The knot also says it isn't rude to have a honeyfund or exclude your guests SO if they will know other people at the wedding that they can sit with/talk to. The Knot articles give some TERRIBLE advice.

justsie

^ Truth. The knot is a website that is geared to make money. Anything that makes them more money is A-ok by them, regardless of how it makes people feel. I would believe a bunch of strangers that have nothing to gain over a website that is trying to get people to spend as much money as they can. 

Jen4948

Knottiebk said:

According to the knot... The below article shows the responsibilities that a bridesmaid has.. 

The bridesmaid is an integral part of any wedding, on hand to comfort, console, multitask, and party hearty at all bridal events. Whether it's your first bridesmaid gig or your 50th, here's a cheat sheet of your to-dos.

• Offer to help with prewedding tasks. Try to be specific when you volunteer. For example, say, "Would you like me to help you shop for bridesmaid dresses/stuff invitations/pack for the honeymoon?" instead of just, "What can I do?"
• Scout out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewelry, and other wedding accessories. Pay for the entire ensemble. (Break in your shoes before the wedding day -- that will minimize slipping, blisters, and aching tootsies.)
• Help to plan, cohost, and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party with other bridesmaids.
• If the maid/matron of honor isn't already handling this task, keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and bridal showers (so that the bride/couple can write thank-you notes); maintain RSVP lists.
• Attend the ceremony rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. (Keep abreast of all prewedding parties, and go to as many as possible.)
• Run last-minute errands. On the day of the wedding, be on hand to confirm flower delivery times, meet and greet the ceremony officiant, or satisfy junk food cravings.
• Stand in the receiving line at the bride's request.
• Serve as auxiliary hostess at the reception by introducing guests, making sure they know where the bar is located, and inviting them to sign the guest book.
• Hit the dance floor when the music kicks in. Dance with groomsmen during the formal first-dance sequence. Also, be on the lookout for toe-tapping guests who might need encouragement and/or a dance partner.
• Give the matron/maid of honor a break by helping to carry the bride's wedding gown train whenever necessary. Bustle the train before dancing begins, and be ready to help fix it if it comes unhooked. Accompany the bride on visits to the restroom, if asked.
• Purchase a wedding present perhaps with one or several of the other bridesmaids. This provides more buying power, and two heads are better than one when it comes to wedding gift ideas. Sometimes the entire bridesmaid troupe pitches in for one knock-her-socks-off wedding gift.
• Be a trooper, no matter how stressful the ordeal becomes. Try not to complain about the bridesmaid dress -- even if the color is horrendous. Be gracious and tactful.
• Provide plenty of emotional support during the planning and on the wedding day

website: https://www.theknot.com/content/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail

No. These are not "responsibilities" of wedding party members.

The only responsibilities any wedding party member has is to obtain the designated outfit, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, process down the aisle and recess back up it after the ceremony, stand or sit near the couple during the ceremony, and pose for a few photos.

Nothing else on this list is a "responsibility." It's just an unwarranted sense of entitlement on the bride's part fed by the for-profit wedding industry.

AddieCake

Be a trooper! Dance! Carry the bride's train whenever necessary! Run errands! I don't know what's more ridiculous: that list or the people who actually think that's acceptable to expect of your wedding party.

VicTim328

You do not need to replace her.  Since she left with things on rocky terms, my concern would be repair the relationship.  She is meaningful enough to be MOH.  Since she has played such a large role in everything until now, you could always list her as In Absentia.  

Usually, the MOH also signs the marriage license.  The only thing you really need to think about is who you want to sign it as your witness.  If grandmom wants to help as a stand-in, ask her to do it.  

jacques27

I love how people always cite that one Knot article as if it's the end all be all of infinite truth about bridesmaids and therefore absolute justification for treating people they allegedly are friends with as employees. 

You're (general you) are getting married.  You're basically throwing a big party.  Unless you're actually becoming a corporation and paying out health benefits, there are no actual "duties" for your friends.  These are people you allegedly like who YOU are honoring by asking them to stand up next to you when you get married.  That's it.  You don't "honor" people by expecting them to do work for you. That's the opposite of honoring. 

But yeah, sure, treat a wedding industry article probably written by an intern at a company who has a vested interest in getting you to spend as much money as possible (and hopefully via their website) as gospel.  I'm sure they care deeply about your friends and you maintaining a good relationship with them after the wedding is all said and done.

ShesSoCold

I cannot take anything that uses the word "tootsies" for feet seriously. 

thisismynickname2

Additionally, since you've listed one good friend and two family members as bridesmaids, I may suggest having your friend stand closest to you to hold your flowers when necessary (if you have them) during the ceremony (if the need arises) and sign the license. 

A maid of honor normally does fill that role in every wedding I've witnessed. If your dress has a train, the MOH makes sure it lays nicely (aka you don't trip and fall on your ass). Yeah, we laugh at the "duties" published by the wedding industry but these are some real logistics. I didn't have a train; my MOH did hold my flowers and sign the license as the witness along with the best man. 

Just because you don't have a MOH doesn't mean there's no one to hold your flowers and sign the license. Out of the three you've mentioned, personally I'd pick the friend, but it's ultimately up to you.