Bridal Brunch

Knottie1251661

I have 10 months until my big day and since not all my bridesmaids know each other, I was thinking of having a "brunch with the bride" with my bridesmaids. I was thinking of doing this in October/November right before or after the bridesmaids try on dress options. I figured not only could we get together for everyone to meet, but I thought it would be a good time for everyone to discuss good dates for a bridal shower and bachelorette party.

(My bridesmaids all live in the same city, I live 3 hours away. I wanted to knock everything out while in town)

1. Is it okay to invite everyone to have brunch at a restaurant, but have everyone pay for themselves? I don't want people to assume I am going to pay for everything, since I invited them.

2. Is it obnoxious for me to want to plan out the dates for the bridal shower/bachelorette party this early on?

Jen4948

1. If you do this, be very clear up front that everyone has to pay for herself. Otherwise, if you spring that on your bridesmaids, you'll be justifiably annoying and upsetting anyone who wasn't expecting to have to pay her own way.

2. Yes. Whether or not you have any showers or bachelorette parties is up to whichever third parties want to host them. It would be obnoxious and entitled to expect anyone, even your bridesmaids, to plan them for you, let alone telling them they have to and that the planning has to be on your schedule. You'll have to wait for someone to volunteer to host these things for you, and then the plans are up to them, not you.

One other point: you will probably get side-eyed for choosing your bridesmaids earlier than one year out from the wedding.

snowywinter

Lunch with the Bride makes it sound like you're celebrating yourself. I'd change this to just a lunch. It doesn't need a fancy name.

As for everyone paying for themselves, this needs to be in the invite. Otherwise, they will assume you're treating. You don't get to dictate the planning of any pre-wedding events. These are not required. By doing this, it's very presumptuous and makes you sound entitled to parties they may not be able to afford. Also, if they do plan something, the planning happens WITHOUT you. They have to decide a budget on their own and figure everything out from there. It would be very rude for you to ask them to do this in front of you.

MobKaz

Knottie1251661 said:

I have 10 months until my big day and since not all my bridesmaids know each other, I was thinking of having a "brunch with the bride" with my bridesmaids. I was thinking of doing this in October/November right before or after the bridesmaids try on dress options. I figured not only could we get together for everyone to meet, but I thought it would be a good time for everyone to discuss good dates for a bridal shower and bachelorette party.

(My bridesmaids all live in the same city, I live 3 hours away. I wanted to knock everything out while in town)

1. Is it okay to invite everyone to have brunch at a restaurant, but have everyone pay for themselves? I don't want people to assume I am going to pay for everything, since I invited them.

2. Is it obnoxious for me to want to plan out the dates for the bridal shower/bachelorette party this early on?

While this is a nice gesture, it is OK that your bridesmaids do not know each other.  Odds are they will not interact much prior to the wedding, or even very much after the wedding.  You are their connection, and without that, there is really not much reason for them to get to know each other.

It is presumptuous for you to discuss dates for any pre-wedding events.  It is up to a friend, family member, or wedding party member to decide whether or not they CHOOSE to host something for you.  To discuss this in front of them is not only presumptuous, but puts your BM's in a very awkward and uncomfortable position.  This is something you need to drop.

Prior to discussing dresses with your BM's, please be sure you have spoken to each BM privately and individually, as to what their budget allows.  This budget should not be discussed with other BM's.  You need to respect the lowest budget amount disclosed.  And since we are on the subject, if you have any expectations or demands regarding shoes, jewelry, hair, or make-up, it will be your responsibility to cover those costs.  Please respect your friends as individuals, and avoid the dreaded "must match because of my photos" mentality.  Consider how you thought of them prior to attaching the labels of bride and bridesmaid to yourselves.

JoanE2012

I'd skip the lunch.  The bridesmaids don't have to know each other.  As for the other parties, you don't plan those - someone offers to host it for you.  If this happens and they ask for your input, then you can provide it.

Maggie0829

Why do the BMs have to get to know each other?

If you must have some sort of bridal party lunch then yes, you need to make it known up front that they will need to cover their own costs.

No, you should not bring out the bach/shower or discuss possible dates.  If someone offers to throw you a party then that is when you discuss dates, but to bring it up prior to someone offering to host it is very presumptuous on your part and will then put pressure on your friends to host something.

jacques27

Put me in the skip it camp.  They don't need to be BFF's.  Their only obligation is to buy an outfit and show up on the wedding day to walk down an aisle to stand with you on your wedding day.  Anything they want to do above and beyond that is bonus, but don't, as the bride, try to orchestrate that.  If you did try to have a get together and call it a "bridal brunch" then I'm assuming you're paying and I'm going to feel obligated to go instead of wanting to go.

And on that note, anyone can throw you a shower or a bachelorette, not just your wedding party.  But the key words are THEY THROW and they are just not an automatic thing you are entitled to have, so it's very presumptuous to throw out dates for a party you don't even know they are going to offer to host.

peachy13

As PPs said, I wouldn't make it a big deal or call it a "bridal brunch." 

The day we all chose to go bridesmaid dress shopping, I put the word out that I was going to be at a restaurant (near the dress shop) an hour before we were scheduled to meet and that if anyone was interested, the first round of mimosas would be on me. It was totally optional but all the bridesmaids ended up coming to the restaurant and it was nice for everyone to meet and have a drink. As promised I treated them to one round of drinks, and then some of my bridesmaids ended up ordering food which they bought themselves. 

edited to add: I asked each bridesmaid individually about a dress-shopping date and time that worked for them a month or so before we went, and then sent out the group text about meeting up for a drink about a week before we went.

climbingsingle

Personally, there's nothing more I hate than forced socialization. And that's what this sounds like. They don't all have to know each other. 

You should not at all be involved in the planning of any showers or bach parties, aside from providing what dates you're available. And that's only if you're asked. 

arrrghmatey

I agree that forcing people to know each other is just…meh. They don't have to know each other before your wedding. However, I will put out the caveat that when my sisters flew in from out of town earlier this year, they expressed interest in meeting my other local bridesmaids, and vice versa. So we did go out for a lunch together. But I did not call it a "Bridal Brunch/Lunch." And I treated my bridesmaids by picking up the tab because I wanted to.

And no. Do not plan your own bridal shower/bachelorette. Someone has to offer to host/plan those for you.

Edited: spelling

[Deleted User]

We did a cookout for our parents & bridal party members with their families as a way for them to get to know each other. We thought it would reduce the stress some if they met prior to the wedding day. In regards to the girls getting meeting in advance, I just found a day that worked out for all of them to go dresss shopping. We met at the sports bar next door for a quick bite to eat & drinks (this way no snicker candy bar commercials...lol). The girls had fun talking & meeting. I think it made the rest of the planning easier for them.

In regards to picking out the dates for your shower & bachlorette, leave that up to your MOH to coordinate. Tell her that you need to have the dates as early as possible so that you can make plans for travel. If you know of any weekends you can't make it already, give her the list of those. Else just ask her before sending out any invites to confirm the dates with you to make sure you can make the trip.

OliveOilsMom

I think its perfectly fine to try and schedule a day together to go shopping for BM dresses.  Just don't make it mandatory.  As PP said, ask for each girl's budget privately before shopping starts and go with the lowest budget.  Once a date has been set, see if any of the girls want to meet up for lunch prior to shopping.  Take suggestions as to where to go, so everyone has input on it.  That would make me think I'm paying my own way, since it was put together in a very informal way.

And at the point that anyone offers to throw you a shower or b-party, then start discussing dates.

snowywinter

Erikan73 said:

We did a cookout for our parents & bridal party members with their families as a way for them to get to know each other. We thought it would reduce the stress some if they met prior to the wedding day. In regards to the girls getting meeting in advance, I just found a day that worked out for all of them to go dresss shopping. We met at the sports bar next door for a quick bite to eat & drinks (this way no snicker candy bar commercials...lol). The girls had fun talking & meeting. I think it made the rest of the planning easier for them.

In regards to picking out the dates for your shower & bachlorette, leave that up to your MOH to coordinate. Tell her that you need to have the dates as early as possible so that you can make plans for travel. If you know of any weekends you can't make it already, give her the list of those. Else just ask her before sending out any invites to confirm the dates with you to make sure you can make the trip.

No, she should not say anything at all. The bride should never, ever be the one to start talking about this. IF the bridal party or anyone else wants to throw her a shower, THEY will contact her. The bride bringing it up is incredibly rude.

Viczaesar

Erikan73 said:

We did a cookout for our parents & bridal party members with their families as a way for them to get to know each other. We thought it would reduce the stress some if they met prior to the wedding day. In regards to the girls getting meeting in advance, I just found a day that worked out for all of them to go dresss shopping. We met at the sports bar next door for a quick bite to eat & drinks (this way no snicker candy bar commercials...lol). The girls had fun talking & meeting. I think it made the rest of the planning easier for them.

In regards to picking out the dates for your shower & bachlorette, leave that up to your MOH to coordinate. Tell her that you need to have the dates as early as possible so that you can make plans for travel. If you know of any weekends you can't make it already, give her the list of those. Else just ask her before sending out any invites to confirm the dates with you to make sure you can make the trip.

That's not the MOH's job.  It's not anybody's job.

Penguins1987

@climingwife said it... nothing worse than forced together time. And if I click with your friends, then we'll become friends, but we're not gonna be besties just from being in the same wedding. 

When we went I told the girls that we were probably going to go get drinks or dinner after, on a "if you wanna hang out" basis. The girls who knew each other hung out, the others came for a glass and then left. I think the best way to go about it is by just asking if anyone is down for lunch. If they want to do it, they can, otherwise, it shouldn't be a big deal. 

frenchiekin

Penguins1987 said:

@climingwife said it... nothing worse than forced together time. And if I click with your friends, then we'll become friends, but we're not gonna be besties just from being in the same wedding. 

When we went I told the girls that we were probably going to go get drinks or dinner after, on a "if you wanna hang out" basis. The girls who knew each other hung out, the others came for a glass and then left. I think the best way to go about it is by just asking if anyone is down for lunch. If they want to do it, they can, otherwise, it shouldn't be a big deal. 

^This.  PPs have the rest covered but I was going to add something similar to the bolded.  Some of my BMs are super excited about all of the wedding stuff and want to hang out with everyone and talk wedding ALL THE TIME.  Others are in the "I hate forced fun and these smiley broads need to calm the F down" camp.  Each event where I wanted to get everyone together - dress shopping, taking them to lunch after the shower they hosted as a thank you, etc. - was always "If you're interested!!"  Nothing should be mandatory with any of your bridal party aside from buying the dress and being at the ceremony.  You (general) cannot be upset if someone can't make an event or doesn't want to go.  They have their own lives and it's ok for them to not really enjoy all the pre-wedding activities.  That's presumably not why you picked them to be your bridesmaids.