Step-Son Invite

NicRen17

My Stepson will be 6 when his dad and I get married. I have been in his life for as long as he remembers (3.5) and he doesn't seem to really have any memories that don't include me. He is pretty excited about the wedding and being involved as the ring bearer. We have kept him in the loop as much as a 5/6 year old is interested. On rare occasions, he attends our church which is the one that we will be married in.

His mom on the other hand, I have no relationship at all with her. My FI tries to co-parent but she is very narcissistic and refuses to do anything that is not in her interests.

I would LOVE to send my stepson an invite because I think he'd love to get something in the mail and have something for the wedding. I however don't want to overstep any gray areas and have his mother become belligerent because of it (she is not invited). She knows we are getting married and probably knows the date by now. I could see her preventing our stepson from attending his father's wedding because something isn't on her terms.

I could also see her showing up to the ceremony uninvited if I include ALL the information on my Stepson's invite. She is not from the area but she has been to our area enough to figure out how to navigate it. I can cut the bottom off the invite that has the church info on it without compromising the invite and I just won't include the reception card in his envelope. 

Do you think this would be ok or do you think I should just not bother sending my stepson an invite? OR do you think I should throw caution in the wind and just send the invite untouched? I plan on getting my FI's opinion on the whole thing before making any other decisions. Invites don't go out towards the end of the month.

lyndausvi

I wouldn't send him an invite.

Jen4948

Instead of mailing him an invitation, I'd save one for him at your home.

AddieCake

Have it mailed to him at your address so he gets it while he is there visiting.

NicRen17

Thanks ladies! 

May be after we get one we will seal one up for him to open at our house. The next time we see him, it will probably be after we receive our invites and about the time we mail them out. There is no guarantees that if we mail one to our house he will be around when it comes in though because of the limits his mother has. 

We can have him put it up on our fridge or something to "enjoy" while he is here.

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't send one. If you want him to have one, save an unsent one for him in a box and you can even create a  photo album of the day for him to have as an adult. He will appreciate it more as an adult to have those memories then he will now. I wouldn't want to risk the ex knowing where the ceremony & reception are going to be & having her show up & if she doesn't know the date, then she can't keep him from you on that date. A friend of mine ended up not having her step kids at her wedding because they didn't have the wedding on one of their scheduled weekends so the mom didn't let them have the girls, because it wasn't their weekend to have them.

[Deleted User]

NicRen17 said:

My Stepson will be 6 when his dad and I get married. I have been in his life for as long as he remembers (3.5) and he doesn't seem to really have any memories that don't include me. He is pretty excited about the wedding and being involved as the ring bearer. We have kept him in the loop as much as a 5/6 year old is interested. On rare occasions, he attends our church which is the one that we will be married in.

His mom on the other hand, I have no relationship at all with her. My FI tries to co-parent but she is very narcissistic and refuses to do anything that is not in her interests.

I would LOVE to send my stepson an invite because I think he'd love to get something in the mail and have something for the wedding. I however don't want to overstep any gray areas and have his mother become belligerent because of it (she is not invited). She knows we are getting married and probably knows the date by now. I could see her preventing our stepson from attending his father's wedding because something isn't on her terms.

I could also see her showing up to the ceremony uninvited if I include ALL the information on my Stepson's invite. She is not from the area but she has been to our area enough to figure out how to navigate it. I can cut the bottom off the invite that has the church info on it without compromising the invite and I just won't include the reception card in his envelope. 

Do you think this would be ok or do you think I should just not bother sending my stepson an invite? OR do you think I should throw caution in the wind and just send the invite untouched? I plan on getting my FI's opinion on the whole thing before making any other decisions. Invites don't go out towards the end of the month.

Seal an invitation, address it to him at your address, put an easter seal in the corner instead of a real stamp, and next time you see him tell him that he got mail the other day.  Hand it to him, let him open it, help him read it (I'm assuming a font that might be hard for a 6 year old to decipher), and let him put it up in his room at your place.

If you want him to get actual mail at his home with his mother, send him mail; a handwritten letter, a coloring book page either colored by you or blank for him to color, a magazine cutout of his favorite athlete.  You can send him mail that isn't involved with your wedding.

JediElizabeth

adk19 said:

NicRen17 said:

My Stepson will be 6 when his dad and I get married. I have been in his life for as long as he remembers (3.5) and he doesn't seem to really have any memories that don't include me. He is pretty excited about the wedding and being involved as the ring bearer. We have kept him in the loop as much as a 5/6 year old is interested. On rare occasions, he attends our church which is the one that we will be married in.

His mom on the other hand, I have no relationship at all with her. My FI tries to co-parent but she is very narcissistic and refuses to do anything that is not in her interests.

I would LOVE to send my stepson an invite because I think he'd love to get something in the mail and have something for the wedding. I however don't want to overstep any gray areas and have his mother become belligerent because of it (she is not invited). She knows we are getting married and probably knows the date by now. I could see her preventing our stepson from attending his father's wedding because something isn't on her terms.

I could also see her showing up to the ceremony uninvited if I include ALL the information on my Stepson's invite. She is not from the area but she has been to our area enough to figure out how to navigate it. I can cut the bottom off the invite that has the church info on it without compromising the invite and I just won't include the reception card in his envelope. 

Do you think this would be ok or do you think I should just not bother sending my stepson an invite? OR do you think I should throw caution in the wind and just send the invite untouched? I plan on getting my FI's opinion on the whole thing before making any other decisions. Invites don't go out towards the end of the month.

Seal an invitation, address it to him at your address, put an easter seal in the corner instead of a real stamp, and next time you see him tell him that he got mail the other day.  Hand it to him, let him open it, help him read it (I'm assuming a font that might be hard for a 6 year old to decipher), and let him put it up in his room at your place.

If you want him to get actual mail at his home with his mother, send him mail; a handwritten letter, a coloring book page either colored by you or blank for him to color, a magazine cutout of his favorite athlete.  You can send him mail that isn't involved with your wedding.

>>>>>>BOXES<<<<<<<<




I can't bold on my phone, but I'd be wary of the last part. If you're worried that mom won't let him come because she's spiteful (or hurting? Let's remember all sides), I wouldn't stir the pot by sending him things.

I'm not a mom, or divorced, but even I can see how scary it must be to have an ex-husband remarry and introduce an unknown woman into her son's life as his stepmother. It seems insensitive to intrude upon her time with him (and her home) with mail there instead of to your and his father's house.

This is doubly true if she's narcissistic and spiteful, as you suggested in your OP.

Edited for boxes.

NicRen17

I'd skip the random mailings because its not something we've ever done. Kinda one of those, why start now kinda thing. 

My FI and my stepson's mother were never married and I am not an unknown figure to his mother either. She actually recognized me and met me in a restaurant but never acknowledged me so  I didn't even know she was around. We drop off and pick up together but mom and I have never exchanged verbal words. She's contacted me on Facebook messenger and such. 

She is very narcissistic and self-involved but she could be a lot worse. A lot worse LOL

kimmiinthemitten

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Jen4948

kimmiandkoley said:

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Unfortunately, it's illegal for anyone but the USPS to drop anything in a mailbox-even one's own. That's why newspapers and magazines put things in plastic bags that theythey hang on doorknobs.

huskypuppy14

Jen4948 said:

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Unfortunately, it's illegal for anyone but the USPS to drop anything in a mailbox-even one's own. That's why newspapers and magazines put things in plastic bags that theythey hang on doorknobs.

Wrong, I put things in my mailbox all the time. That's what that little red flag is for.

Jen4948

huskypuppy14 said:

Jen4948 said:

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Unfortunately, it's illegal for anyone but the USPS to drop anything in a mailbox-even one's own. That's why newspapers and magazines put things in plastic bags that theythey hang on doorknobs.

Wrong, I put things in my mailbox all the time. That's what that little red flag is for.

Wrong. You can put things in there and raise the flag only to signal the USPS to pick them up. Otherwise it's a federal offense to use the mailbox for any other purpose. Go check the law.

kimmiinthemitten

Jen4948 said:

Jen4948 said:

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Unfortunately, it's illegal for anyone but the USPS to drop anything in a mailbox-even one's own. That's why newspapers and magazines put things in plastic bags that theythey hang on doorknobs.

Wrong, I put things in my mailbox all the time. That's what that little red flag is for.

Wrong. You can put things in there and raise the flag only to signal the USPS to pick them up. Otherwise it's a federal offense to use the mailbox for any other purpose. Go check the law.

On a very technical level, you're correct. However, I feel pretty confident in stating that the USPS isn't focused on fake mail for kids in their list federal offenses. My dad is a retired USPS employee and used to hide fake letters from santa in ours. They have far more serious crimes to investigate like the robberies of carriers, people who use the mail service for bribery, money laundering, extortion and drug dealing, and mail theft.

Jen4948

kimmiandkoley said:

Jen4948 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Jen4948 said:

If he likes the act of getting mail (a lot of kids do), then I would fake mail him one to your house by dropping it in your mailbox and asking him to get the mail.  Then you can make a big deal about him having a letter.

And sorrynotsorry but as adults and parents, it's doesn't matter if the bio mom is bitter, hurt, jealous or what.  That's adult business and not kids business so he shouldn't ever know how she feels.  It took FI 15 years to realize he was PAS'ed by his mom regarding his stepmom and they are super close now!

Unfortunately, it's illegal for anyone but the USPS to drop anything in a mailbox-even one's own. That's why newspapers and magazines put things in plastic bags that theythey hang on doorknobs.

Wrong, I put things in my mailbox all the time. That's what that little red flag is for.

Wrong. You can put things in there and raise the flag only to signal the USPS to pick them up. Otherwise it's a federal offense to use the mailbox for any other purpose. Go check the law.

On a very technical level, you're correct. However, I feel pretty confident in stating that the USPS isn't focused on fake mail for kids in their list federal offenses. My dad is a retired USPS employee and used to hide fake letters from santa in ours. They have far more serious crimes to investigate like the robberies of carriers, people who use the mail service for bribery, money laundering, extortion and drug dealing, and mail theft.

I agree that those are certainly more serious crimes that the USPS is much more likely to focus on, but I don't advocate technical breaches of the law either-you could get caught and in trouble, however unlikely, and it sets a bad example for the OP's stepson.

OP, just keep a sealed envelope with an invitation addressed to your stepson-to-be at your home that he can open. Don't mail it to his mother's house or put it in your mailbox.

AmandaKess

It doesn't sound like it's worth the trouble unfortunately

NicRen17

We've just decided to forgo it. He hears enough about the wedding and know he has a role from us whenever we talk about it. Unless the circumstances are unattainable, he will be apart of it and have his own memories and the paper will not matter.