NWR: Crowdfunded Wake/Funeral

JediElizabeth

Just saw this on facebook...a man old enough to have grown kids died, and his family is trying to raise a 5-figure sum for his funeral expenses.

I feel really bad for them, but really? Is this normal? What do you guys think, because I'm thinking I just lost a little bit of respect for them. 

arrrghmatey

I think asking other people for money to fund something you should be paying for yourself is never okay, or normal. But alas, sites like GoFundMe are making people think it is okay/normal.

 It's sad that they lost a loved one, but that is what life insurance is for.

julieanne912

Not much different than people doing car washes to raise money for a funeral.  That was pretty common where I grew up... a lot of low income people.  

It's a shame that the person who died didn't plan ahead for the after-life expenses that their loved ones have to pay.  That's a pretty large expense/burden to leave behind.

anjemon

I don't think that's normal. Isn't that part of what life insurance is for? I would expect someone that far along in life to have planned for things like that.

That being said, if he is someone who died after being sick for a long time I can see having a lot of bills that need to be covered. And our medical system is so broken that his family might be struggling to just deal with it all. So I can understand crowd funding for situations like that. It sucks, but it's better than his family making payments for years.

ShesSoCold

JediElizabeth said:

Just saw this on facebook...a man old enough to have grown kids died, and his family is trying to raise a 5-figure sum for his funeral expenses.

I feel really bad for them, but really? Is this normal? What do you guys think, because I'm thinking I just lost a little bit of respect for them. 

Wow. I might be an ass here but there is soo much wrong with this. GFM - tacky as shit. FIVE FIGURES?! If there was no life insurance or assets or anything, a funeral and cremation can be less than like $10,000. The fuck do they want to do with this guy? Put him in a gold casket and ship him to the moon?

Edited because I'm dumb and five =/= six and for some reason I thought six figures. Seriously though, there are more economical ways to honor and _____ (I'm having a hard time finding the word here - I don't want to say "bury" because not everyone is buried and "dispose" sounds horrible) the deceased. 

Maggie0829

If the dude that died wanted a lavish (read: expensive) funeral then he should have made appropriate arrangements while he was alive.  If he didn't make the arrangements then oh well you don't get your fancy funeral.

If this is something that the family/kids want then they need to pay for it themselves or figure out a less expensive funeral plan.

JediElizabeth

ShesSoCold said:

JediElizabeth said:

Just saw this on facebook...a man old enough to have grown kids died, and his family is trying to raise a 5-figure sum for his funeral expenses.

I feel really bad for them, but really? Is this normal? What do you guys think, because I'm thinking I just lost a little bit of respect for them. 

Wow. I might be an ass here but there is soo much wrong with this. GFM - tacky as shit. FIVE FIGURES?! If there was no life insurance or assets or anything, a funeral and cremation can be less than like $10,000. The fuck do they want to do with this guy? Put him in a gold casket and ship him to the moon?

That was my thought....I'd be ok with a $5k thing (if they're really destitute and need help covering just the basics), but the amount they're asking for was what sent me from empathetic into WTF territory.

TrixieJess

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

climbingsingle

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

This is exactly what I was going to say. I had a similar GFM pop up in my FB newsfeed for a man that died, and his adult children were trying to raise money for his services. It's very sad that your dad died, but if he didn't provide you with money to have a funeral and you can't afford one, then have him cremated and have a service/memorial at your house. These people were also trying to raise $10k. IMO it's not OK to beg people for money, regardless of the circumstances. 

sparklepants41

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

All of this. My father has MS and is ineligible for life insurance. BUT regardless of circumstances crowdfunding for a wake/funeral is never acceptable.

I'm sorry about your dad, @TrixieJess

TrixieJess

sparklepants41 said:

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

All of this. My father has MS and is ineligible for life insurance. BUT regardless of circumstances crowdfunding for a wake/funeral is never acceptable.

I'm sorry about your dad, @TrixieJess

Thanks, I'm sorry about your dad too. 

sparklepants41

TrixieJess said:

sparklepants41 said:

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

All of this. My father has MS and is ineligible for life insurance. BUT regardless of circumstances crowdfunding for a wake/funeral is never acceptable.

I'm sorry about your dad, @TrixieJess

Thanks, I'm sorry about your dad too. 

Thanks

JBee85

It really depends on the situation. I had a friend who unexpectedly got his girlfriend pregnant. The baby was born prematurely. Hospital bills all over the place... Within a few months, the baby died. The couple had NO life insurance, especially since they were not married. Both their families couldn't afford 5K to bury the baby and had to resort to GoFundMe. The page was kept between friends and co-workers of the couple. 

With people having time to plan for it, sure it can be tacky. Unfortunately not everyone can afford insurance or have jobs that support it. But this baby survived within three months, showed some progressed... Then died in his sleep 2 days after the hospital cleared the couple and said the baby was ok to go home. So...

banana468

Unfortunately it is expensive to have a funeral and bury those that passed.

I wish more and more funeral directors could counsel the bereaved on low cost services. That said, I don't think 5 figures is all that expensive when you think of the cost of cremation, a service (if a holy one is requested) and a burial plot.

julieanne912

banana468 said:

Unfortunately it is expensive to have a funeral and bury those that passed. I wish more and more funeral directors could counsel the bereaved on low cost services. That said, I don't think 5 figures is all that expensive when you think of the cost of cremation, a service (if a holy one is requested) and a burial plot.

Yup... my dad's funeral, 15 years ago, was in the low 5 figures, and it wasn't some elaborate thing....plain casket, but we also had to buy a burial plot, headstone, etc.  Thankfully there was plenty of insurance to cover it, but I know not everyone is in that position.  He was not cremated, but still... the funeral business is almost as lucrative as the wedding business I think.

banana468

I think the funeral business *can* be lucrative but after marrying into a family with funeral home owners, they can attest to many people scaling back.   More and more are going for cremations, reduced or nonexistent calling hours and fewer decorations / flowers.

My mom's sibilings did that with my grandmother - no calling hours, cremated, Mass and she already bought the burial plot when grandpa passed.  But it's still a fee to have the church and use the funeral home.

While I'd roll my eyes at a GFM for an oak casket with brass details, I think this is the sort of thing that I understand when done at a low cost.   And unlike a wedding, the person involved isn't exactly there to celebrate.

MegEn1

I feel like it used to be a lot more common for people to help out to bury a loved one than it is today -- that said, five figures is insane. My father passed earlier this year and he had purchased a truck against his life insurance so I think I ended up getting a few hundred bucks from that. Nowhere near to covering the cost to drive down there, stay for three days to close up his house, cremate his remains, drive back, then fly to meet the family for his funeral a few days later. It's not really the survivor's fault that the deceased didn't take care of their finances, so I think reaching out and asking for help when it's necessary for something like that is understandable. People want to help in hard times like that. Just so long as they didn't throw some elaborate party -- but I can see expenses getting up that high for cremation, travel, etc. pretty quick. Maybe not five figure up there but I don't know burial costs. I know we spent a few grand on it all and we had a church reception at my grandparents' church and the community provided cake and punch afterwards. 

southernbelle0915

Yea, I'm noping this hard. 

Death is inevitable. And you're either going to leave your loved ones with a fat bill to pay for your funeral, or you're going to save for it. Obviously, I'm talking about grown adults here, not special circumstances of kids who haven't had any time to save. 

Being buried is a lot more expensive than being cremated. A headstone is a lot more expensive than an urn. An open casket funeral with flowers and a service is a lot more expensive than a wake at someone's house. These are choices people make. And just like anything else, no one should be responsible except them. 

Sorrynotsorry if that sounds cold.

MrsMack10612

banana468 said:

I think the funeral business *can* be lucrative but after marrying into a family with funeral home owners, they can attest to many people scaling back.   More and more are going for cremations, reduced or nonexistent calling hours and fewer decorations / flowers.

My mom's sibilings did that with my grandmother - no calling hours, cremated, Mass and she already bought the burial plot when grandpa passed.  But it's still a fee to have the church and use the funeral home.

While I'd roll my eyes at a GFM for an oak casket with brass details, I think this is the sort of thing that I understand when done at a low cost.   And unlike a wedding, the person involved isn't exactly there to celebrate.

I thought I heard somewhere that cremation was frowned upon by the Catholic church?

colasuda

MrsMack10612 said:

banana468 said:

I think the funeral business *can* be lucrative but after marrying into a family with funeral home owners, they can attest to many people scaling back.   More and more are going for cremations, reduced or nonexistent calling hours and fewer decorations / flowers.

My mom's sibilings did that with my grandmother - no calling hours, cremated, Mass and she already bought the burial plot when grandpa passed.  But it's still a fee to have the church and use the funeral home.

While I'd roll my eyes at a GFM for an oak casket with brass details, I think this is the sort of thing that I understand when done at a low cost.   And unlike a wedding, the person involved isn't exactly there to celebrate.

I thought I heard somewhere that cremation was frowned upon by the Catholic church?

BOXES

The Church doesn't forbid cremation, as long is it isn't done for reasons contrary to Christian teaching and the remains are treated with respect (meaning, the Church does not want the remains of the body to wind up on someone's mantle.) The Church also generally requires that the funeral Mass is said before cremation, if possible.

MrsMack10612

colasuda said:

MrsMack10612 said:

banana468 said:

I think the funeral business *can* be lucrative but after marrying into a family with funeral home owners, they can attest to many people scaling back.   More and more are going for cremations, reduced or nonexistent calling hours and fewer decorations / flowers.

My mom's sibilings did that with my grandmother - no calling hours, cremated, Mass and she already bought the burial plot when grandpa passed.  But it's still a fee to have the church and use the funeral home.

While I'd roll my eyes at a GFM for an oak casket with brass details, I think this is the sort of thing that I understand when done at a low cost.   And unlike a wedding, the person involved isn't exactly there to celebrate.

I thought I heard somewhere that cremation was frowned upon by the Catholic church?

BOXES

The Church doesn't forbid cremation, as long is it isn't done for reasons contrary to Christian teaching and the remains are treated with respect (meaning, the Church does not want the remains of the body to wind up on someone's mantle.) The Church also generally requires that the funeral Mass is said before cremation, if possible.

Thanks for that!  

lyndausvi

Everyone has a sad story.      That doesn't mean you deserve crowdfunding.

Viczaesar

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

My dad died in July.  We donated his corneas, and the company cremated him and gave us the option of having them scatter his ashes at sea for us or giving us back the ashes.  We asked for them back (my sister is going to make glass) and they mailed them to us in a nice box.  No cost at all to us.

monkeysip

I guess I see crowd funding for the more tragic events as NBD.  Like deaths, bad hospital bills, etc.  I don't really have a problem AS LONG AS the gofundme (or whatever) is passed around among people that you really know.  I don't think it's ok to just blast it all over your Facebook to people you haven't seen since high school.

Crowdfunding for your wedding, vacation, etc.?  Heck no.  Go screw yourself.  

MegEn1

Viczaesar said:

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

My dad died in July.  We donated his corneas, and the company cremated him and gave us the option of having them scatter his ashes at sea for us or giving us back the ashes.  We asked for them back (my sister is going to make glass) and they mailed them to us in a nice box.  No cost at all to us.

They didn't charge you for the cremation? My father recently passed and the cremation was rather expensive. 

colasuda

A little off topic, but a girl on my Facebook just shared her GFM page to pay for her education because she's having a tough time coming up with tuition. I feel for her, but seriously? Get a job. It really bothers me that people feel entitled to the point where they feel their Facebook friends owe them an education.

Maggie0829

colasuda said:

A little off topic, but a girl on my Facebook just shared her GFM page to pay for her education because she's having a tough time coming up with tuition. I feel for her, but seriously? Get a job. It really bothers me that people feel entitled to the point where they feel their Facebook friends owe them an education.

Or a school loan?

It seems like we live in a time where everyone feels like they are entitled to everything and that others should just give them those things.

kmmssg

My thoughts line up more with @Banana468 and @Monkeysip.  For more tragic events I think it is fine amongst those you know.  Not weddings, vacations, education, etc.

I had 3 older brothers, 1 is still living.  For some unknown reason NONE of them had/have life insurance.  My youngest brother died in Feb 2006.  He lived in another state and I was his NOK (who could afford to take care of things).  I paid for the cremation and had his ashes mailed to me.  They are in a box in one of the bedroom closets.  When we moved last time DS picked up the box and I said, "Be careful with that one.  That's Uncle Scott."  He said, "WHAT?????"

6 months later my middle brother died but he had a son.  His son paid for 1 day of visition at the funeral home, the service, and the cremation.  He was actually able to rent the casket which I think is a great idea.  Nephew was given the ashes.

I have one brother left and he is 70.  Again, I am his only living relative (he and my nephew don't have any kind of a relationship).  He got very sick last year and DH and I started discussing how to handle this because we know we are the ones who will have to pay that bill.  I have 2 grand set aside for that.  That's it.  He will be cremated and doesn't even want a cemetary plot or headstone.  He told me to throw his ashes away.  I'm not going to do that but I figure I will have his and Scott's ashes buried with me.  In all honesty, we will put up pictures in the rec room at the Senior Center and his friends can come by and pay their respects.  We can cater that pretty inexpensively.  No bar, dammit.

I was raised by my aunt and uncle after our parents died ( I am much younger than my brothers).  My 2 cousins on that side became my "sisters".  The oldest one doesn't want anything but to be cremated and have her ashes spread in a certain spot in Illinois.  No people, no service no anything.

Do you guys know of people who really don't want to be buried anywhere or have a headstone with their name on it?  Seems rampant in my family in this generation!

I will pass this along for anyone who can use it:  anyone who has an honorable discharge from the military (and their spouse) can be buried in any National Cemetary free of cost.  Any charges that normally occur in a cemetary - opening/closing the grave, the vault, and the headstone are all free.  You are buried one on top of the other if you are married.  Might come in helpful to someone's relatives.  That is what DH and I are going to do.  Strangely, My ex-h is a veteran and he and his wife will be buried in the same national cemetery.  Oh goody...

cupcait927

kmmssg said:

Do you guys know of people who really don't want to be buried anywhere or have a headstone with their name on it?  Seems rampant in my family in this generation!

My dad is almost 70 and has zero desire to be buried or have any kind of headstone. His older sister just passed and she had the same wishes (died at 80 years old). I don't believe my mom wants any burial or headstone (57). Neither H or I wish to be buried - just do as you please with our ashes when we're gone.

photokitty

Did you know, you can refuse to take the body from the hospital and they will bury it in an unmarked grave in a "potter's field." no charge, bc you can't charge the deceased since they are dead. my mom has suggested we do that, bc she doesn't care what happens when she's gone. Pretty sure she and dad already have plots bc he doesn't feel the same.

Sri as long as you die at a hospital and don't care where you end up, you can be buried for free.

Viczaesar

MegEn1 said:

Viczaesar said:

TrixieJess said:

My dad died in 2007 after a long illness. He was unable to have life insurance because of pre-existing conditions. We didn't have a funeral. He was cremated, but he had already paid for the cremation 2 years prior to his death. People that we knew came to our house and brought food and hung out. 

You do NOT need to crowdfund a fucking wake!

My dad died in July.  We donated his corneas, and the company cremated him and gave us the option of having them scatter his ashes at sea for us or giving us back the ashes.  We asked for them back (my sister is going to make glass) and they mailed them to us in a nice box.  No cost at all to us.

They didn't charge you for the cremation? My father recently passed and the cremation was rather expensive. 

Nope.  The whole thing was free.  The company that took his corneas paid for the cremation, the box, and shipping his ashes back to us (and would have paid to have them scattered at sea if we'd wanted that).  It did take about six weeks to get him back, but he arrived 2 days before the Celebration of Life party so the timing was perfect for us.