How did you send info to your BP?

[Deleted User]

I am asking my BP to pick long dresses in a few shades of blue. As far as shoes and hair and makeup, they can do literally whatever they want.

 I created a list with a bunch of different dresses I personally like, and I organized it by price just to give them some ideas or jumping off points, because some of them have expressed panic when I told them I wasn't going to be super picky about their clothes. 

A few of my BMs all live in the same area, and I think they want to go shopping as a group. One of my BMs lives across the country and I know she will definitely be picking out her dress on her own. 

My question is: what is the best way to communicate these kinds of details to my BP? I am fine with going shopping with whoever wants to go, but I also don't care if they want to go themselves. Should I just share the doc of different dress ideas with everyone in a Facebook message and see who wants to do what? I am trying to make sure I don't ruffle any feathers or hurt any feelings in any way.

Also, other than repeatedly saying that I don't need their help with anything, how can I dispel this whole sense of "well, XYZ is what a GOOD bridal party does?" One of my BMs has already said she would help me make centerpieces or pick things out if I want. My MOH apparently made a binder of ideas. I told them both that I really don't expect them to do any of that and I don't want them to do that kind of stuff, but they keep rolling their eyes and telling me to knock it off. GAH!

Jen4948

I'd use email and not Facebook.

With regard to your overhelpful wedding party members, tell them that you appreciate that they want to help and that when you know of something they can help you with, you'll get right with them, but in the meantime, you don't need them to do those things but you do need them to knock off the victim act when you tell them you're not presently in need of assistance.

thisismynickname2

E-mail them.

Say something like, "If anyone wants to shop together, I'll make an appointment on x date. If you can't make it or feel fine shopping on your own, just let me know. Here are some suggestions for the general look I'm going for, but feel free to choose anything long and blue."

Then, say, "I really appreciate your offers! I'll let you know if something comes up that I'd like help with."

futurecptkirk

My bff set up a secret facebook group just for the wedding party members and we used that plus group text. I am going to say that group text was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me and left me almost crying in public, getting home, drinking a full bottle of wine and full on break down sobbing to FI about it. Please do not do a group text with 7 people about clothing so you don't end up like me. Seriously made me evaluate a friendship with 1 girl...

What about making a pinterest board and inviting them? 

I would also maybe ask them if they want to do brunch and go dress shopping because that worked really well for my bff! It made shopping easier because we were already full and happy from the brunch. 

[Deleted User]

futurecptkirk said:

My bff set up a secret facebook group just for the wedding party members and we used that plus group text. I am going to say that group text was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me and left me almost crying in public, getting home, drinking a full bottle of wine and full on break down sobbing to FI about it. Please do not do a group text with 7 people about clothing so you don't end up like me. Seriously made me evaluate a friendship with 1 girl...

What about making a pinterest board and inviting them? 

I would also maybe ask them if they want to do brunch and go dress shopping because that worked really well for my bff! It made shopping easier because we were already full and happy from the brunch. 

Omg. I HATE group texts. I guess the reason I thought a Facebook message would be better is because it's more like a "chat" and less formal than an email, but then again, FB Messenger is a huge pain in the ass, so...Sounds like they will be getting an email. Ironically, my across the country friend called me yesterday and actually asked me to send her something like this because she's already been looking at dresses lol.

climbingsingle

Just email them. Give them some ideas on options and tell them the rest is up to them. 

As far as offers, just keep turning them down. That's what I did. When someone asked if I needed help, I thanked them and said no. Eventually they got the hint. 

peachy13

Email has been successful for me to reach my bridesmaids.

OliveOilsMom

I would email them all your requirements for a dress and attach the pictures of the dresses you like.  I would probably say something along the lines of,

"Hey all!  I just wanted to let you all know the parameters for the BM dress.  It should be long and navy blue.  I don't care what designer you choose or if your tones of navy don't match exactly.  I trust all of you to purchase a dress that you feel beautiful in, so if you want to shop on your own, go for it!  I can also meet you sometime and we can shop together.  I have heard from some of you, that you want some further guidance on the dress you choose, so I'm attaching a few pictures of BM dresses that I like. 

Also, you have free reign on jewelry, shoes, and accessories to go with your gown.  Any color or style will work, as I all trust your judgment to pick out the best items to go with your dress."

I would leave any mention of DIY assistance out and only bring that up when individual BM ask.  "Sally, thanks so much for the offer.  We aren't doing centerpieces yet and I haven't even decided what we will do yet.  But if I need some help, I will let you know!  Thanks again for the offer."

ETA: My BMs were constantly asking to help.  So when I had a project, I'd send an email out and give the details.  Those who could help came, those who couldn't didn't and I didn't hold it against them at all.  I thanked the ones who came and provided beer/pizza or whatever for the group while we worked.

frenchiekin

I also used email for things like communicating about the dresses, and also telling them I didn't care what they did for jewelry/shoes/hair/makeup when some of them started to panic that I wasn't going to be dictating their looks or providing them with jewelry for their gifts.  Some people are better with email than others.  My FSILs tend not to respond to emails but will respond to texts, so I would follow up with them via text (separately) or in person if I needed a reply for something (which was rare).

And I am definitely with you, OP, on the BMs going a little overboard with the "BM duties".  My MOH does keep asking what she can help with, which I absolutely appreciate, but it's framed like "because it's my JOB!!"  I sent thank-yous and $5 Starbucks giftcards to the BMs after the bach party they threw for me, and then took them all out for margs and tacos as a thank you for the shower.  My stepsister/BM couldn't make the lunch, so I gave her a small token of my thanks when I next saw her.  She was like "You need to stop giving us stuff.  It's nice that you liked your shower but this is our RESPONSIBILITY."  There's only so many ways you can tell them that they actually don't need to do any of this stuff when they are super caught up in that "perfect bridesmaid" mentality.

Knottie80779227

I think e-mails are a good way to communicate with everyone as a whole. I did have two bridesmaids who made it known that they do not check their emails often, or even weekly, unless they have a reason to. I usually sent them out a text right after I sent the e-mail so that they would know I sent something. A little tiny bit of extra work, but that way I know they checked/received it. I made sure to check in with my out of town BMs via phone call or text periodically as well.

spockforprez

abcdevonn said:

I am asking my BP to pick long dresses in a few shades of blue. As far as shoes and hair and makeup, they can do literally whatever they want.

 I created a list with a bunch of different dresses I personally like, and I organized it by price just to give them some ideas or jumping off points, because some of them have expressed panic when I told them I wasn't going to be super picky about their clothes. 

A few of my BMs all live in the same area, and I think they want to go shopping as a group. One of my BMs lives across the country and I know she will definitely be picking out her dress on her own. 

My question is: what is the best way to communicate these kinds of details to my BP? I am fine with going shopping with whoever wants to go, but I also don't care if they want to go themselves. Should I just share the doc of different dress ideas with everyone in a Facebook message and see who wants to do what? I am trying to make sure I don't ruffle any feathers or hurt any feelings in any way.

Also, other than repeatedly saying that I don't need their help with anything, how can I dispel this whole sense of "well, XYZ is what a GOOD bridal party does?" One of my BMs has already said she would help me make centerpieces or pick things out if I want. My MOH apparently made a binder of ideas. I told them both that I really don't expect them to do any of that and I don't want them to do that kind of stuff, but they keep rolling their eyes and telling me to knock it off. GAH!

I'm having trouble understanding if you're saying you just want to plan it on your own without input or help from your WP, or if you think you have to decline them out of etiquette. 

The idea is that you cannot expect help from your WP, cannot conscript them into service - whether planning, crafting, shopping, etc. But if you want to share your planning process with them, there's no reason you can't as long as they made a sincere offer. As a BM I absolutely love being involved with the planning! 

My own WP is helping out with a few things... my cousin is doing my (simple down-do) hair and has also sent me a bunch of stuff she's doing for her own wedding (she is currently engaged) like her florist contract so I could see if I wanted to do it for mine too. My MOH is making a cake topper and got a ton of free decor items from her friend whose wedding she was in. 

The one thing I would caution is not to depend on them for the major things that are important to the day, like making your food or setting up or cleaning up. At that point it stops being "offers to help" and becomes "friendors" and if it falls through you're fucked. In my situation, if they decide they took on too much and don't want to do it anymore, that's cool. I can curl and braid my own hair, and I really couldn't give a shit about a cake topper LOL so if MOH doesn't come through, that's fine. I think that's the difference (for me anyway).

[Deleted User]

spockforprez said:

abcdevonn said:

I am asking my BP to pick long dresses in a few shades of blue. As far as shoes and hair and makeup, they can do literally whatever they want.

 I created a list with a bunch of different dresses I personally like, and I organized it by price just to give them some ideas or jumping off points, because some of them have expressed panic when I told them I wasn't going to be super picky about their clothes. 

A few of my BMs all live in the same area, and I think they want to go shopping as a group. One of my BMs lives across the country and I know she will definitely be picking out her dress on her own. 

My question is: what is the best way to communicate these kinds of details to my BP? I am fine with going shopping with whoever wants to go, but I also don't care if they want to go themselves. Should I just share the doc of different dress ideas with everyone in a Facebook message and see who wants to do what? I am trying to make sure I don't ruffle any feathers or hurt any feelings in any way.

Also, other than repeatedly saying that I don't need their help with anything, how can I dispel this whole sense of "well, XYZ is what a GOOD bridal party does?" One of my BMs has already said she would help me make centerpieces or pick things out if I want. My MOH apparently made a binder of ideas. I told them both that I really don't expect them to do any of that and I don't want them to do that kind of stuff, but they keep rolling their eyes and telling me to knock it off. GAH!

I'm having trouble understanding if you're saying you just want to plan it on your own without input or help from your WP, or if you think you have to decline them out of etiquette. 

The idea is that you cannot expect help from your WP, cannot conscript them into service - whether planning, crafting, shopping, etc. But if you want to share your planning process with them, there's no reason you can't as long as they made a sincere offer. As a BM I absolutely love being involved with the planning! 

My own WP is helping out with a few things... my cousin is doing my (simple down-do) hair and has also sent me a bunch of stuff she's doing for her own wedding (she is currently engaged) like her florist contract so I could see if I wanted to do it for mine too. My MOH is making a cake topper and got a ton of free decor items from her friend whose wedding she was in. 

The one thing I would caution is not to depend on them for the major things that are important to the day, like making your food or setting up or cleaning up. At that point it stops being "offers to help" and becomes "friendors" and if it falls through you're fucked. In my situation, if they decide they took on too much and don't want to do it anymore, that's cool. I can curl and braid my own hair, and I really couldn't give a shit about a cake topper LOL so if MOH doesn't come through, that's fine. I think that's the difference (for me anyway).

I do not want them to help because I am not DIYing much of anything, so I really don't need help. I also don't want them to help because I am not a fan of having friends do any kind of wedding work for me, even if they offer. They all have jobs and/or have a lot going on in their own lives, and even though they offer to help, I think in the long run it's not a great idea.

mattycam

I agree with email. Not all of my girls had Facebook or checked FB often

ShesSoCold

Carrier pigeon. 

santiago2615

I emailed my bridesmaids and also made a pinterest board of dresses. I thought I was making it easier on them by letting each girl pick out her own grey, knee length dress, but some still wanted "an idea" of what I wanted.

[Deleted User]

For me email worked great. I also a card to each BM with the contact info of all the other BM in case they needed to communicate with each other. With our different schedules and people living on different side of town (but still all local) it was easier to communicate. When it came to picking dresses I asked opinions on what length dress they would like, I picked the color. Through email we were able to pick out a date that fit everyone (or at least most) to go look at dresses at the store I picked out for the dresses. I picked David's Bridal due to the range is costs and large style options. My girls were allowed to pick out whatever dress they wanted as long as it was in the color I picked.

In regards to doing stuff to help you, I had the same offer. I just told my girls that while I appreciate their offers, I had everything under control and that if something came up where I needed help I would ask. But else I just wanted them to come to the wedding and enjoy the day. I did end up having my MOH (my sister) and my mom help me last minute with the programs. I was doing very well up until that point because the week of our wedding Hurricane Sandy came through, power was lost & we lost a portion of our roof and had to have an emergency tarp put on 2 days before the wedding.

augsum15

I know everyone is saying e-mail works great, but I personally did a "group page" with my bridesmaids. That way everything was in one place, and really easy to keep track of stuff, or if someone forgot a dress appointment date they could easily go back and look. I find email's get scattered easily, so it was really simple, and if anyone had a question I'd just say check Facebook if the info was there.

And you're girls wanting to help is great. If you're anything like me, and have a panic attack the day before your wedding because you're really overwhelmed, having those extra hands who are voluntarily offering to help you is great. Listen to their ideas, maybe they have some great ideas you haven't thought of yet. That's what friends are for!

ryanandjoe4

augsum15 said:

I know everyone is saying e-mail works great, but I personally did a "group page" with my bridesmaids. That way everything was in one place, and really easy to keep track of stuff, or if someone forgot a dress appointment date they could easily go back and look. I find email's get scattered easily, so it was really simple, and if anyone had a question I'd just say check Facebook if the info was there.

And you're girls wanting to help is great. If you're anything like me, and have a panic attack the day before your wedding because you're really overwhelmed, having those extra hands who are voluntarily offering to help you is great. Listen to their ideas, maybe they have some great ideas you haven't thought of yet. That's what friends are for!

this is exactly why i did the secret facebook page.. I know all of my BM are on facebook through out the day, and some have said I never check email anymore... unless it is a work email and that is not a good idea.. I know lots on here are against facebook everything, but it was great, it helped those that were not friends on facebook normally keep in touch, and let them get together to plan, they asked for my timeline of the weekend, I just put the file up there, they shared pictures of dresses they liked for my approval.. I think that helped a lot.. it wasn't over used, or shared out side the group.. the key is making the group private..

snakeylady

I have a similar situation, where all the girls picked their own dresses in a color and style I chose (knee-length, some kind of strap or sleeve) and some live close, but some are out of state. We talked a little about having the close group go together to look for dresses, but we weren't able to set up a good time so it just fell through.

What I did was I told each girl what I was looking for during a phone conversation, then followed up individually via private facebook message, text, or skype, depending on what is my primary contact for that person. As each picked her dress, I got her permission, then sent a picture to the rest so they could see what everyone else was doing. It all coordinated nicely, and I'm glad that each is happy with her dress!

As for their offers to help, I got a lot of those too. Mostly what I said when I didn't want/expect them to help was say "What I really need is some time not thinking about decorations or centerpieces or favors. Do you want to see a movie with me this weekend?" Or offered some other hangout time instead, which was relaxation I needed more than assistance with origami flowers.

lyndausvi

I guess I'm the odd one that never once sent out a group email.  I never need a group FB page or chat.  I never even sent out a group text.  I couldn't of any reason they needed to coordinate anything, so I never bothered giving them each other's contact information.  Although my sister already had my BFF's contact information already.  My BMs all met for the first time at my shower 3 months before the wedding.  We didn't have any group outings.

I contact each of my BM's various different ways.   My sister (MOH) and I communicated via phone, email and chat sessions.    She helped me plan some stuff.   She volunteered and it was always on her time since she has 3 kids.   We would go months without talking about the wedding.

My BFF and I talk via phone or email.  I communicated with his sisters mostly via text.