Dress Shopping - Trying same dress as friend

Jbutrfli4

Hello!! I'm hoping I can get some outside opinions for an issue I've been faced with. Here we go:

A close friend of mine got married earlier this year. I was by her side while she planned everything. I went dress shopping with her, went to wedding expo's, helped with DIY reception decorations, the list goes on and on. She ultimately found a dress at David's Bridal and it was perfect for her wedding, theme, location etc.

I got engaged a few months after she did, but even though we were both planning at the same time, she didn't really want the attention to be on anyone but herself. I sat back and let her have her moment while dress shopping even though I was dying to try some dresses on myself.

Now, months have passed since her wedding and mine isn't until February of next year. I've just started getting serious about finding my own dress. I went shopping with another close friend this past weekend because the first friend couldn't attend. 

The dress that I'm in love with has a similar silhouette as my recently married friend, but mine is a designer dress, not from David's. Even though I knew I couldn't get this dress at David's I still made an appointment there to try stuff on since I really hadn't tried on any and possibly would find something there that I liked even in a different silhouette.... 

When I described the designer dress and showed pictures of it to the girl helping at David's, she went to the racks and grabbed a handful of dresses that she thought I'd like. I tried on several of them and a few other styles as well and the friend that accompanied me took pictures of all of them. 

One of the last dresses she pulled happened to be the same dress that my recently married friend had worn for her wedding. I figured, why not try it on so that I can at least get an idea of what that type of dress would look like on me since the silhouette was similar to the designer dress I've been eyeing. (Let me also add that my friend is a plus sized girl and I'm more on the average/slim side so the dress wouldn't even look the same on both of us). 

I thought nothing of it and even took a few pictures of it. I later sent one of them to her and asked her if it looked familiar. I told her that I didn't even seek it out, that the girl working there pulled it for me after seeing the designer dress I want. I also sent her pictures of the other 15 plus dresses that I had tried on at my appointment. 

For 5 days now, she hasn't responded, even though I explained I only tried it on to get an idea of the shape and had absolutely no intentions to buy it. ..... crickets.....

Now, she's expressed to me via email how hurt she was that I'd even THINK of trying on the same dress that she wore. She said it hurt her feelings and couldn't believe that any of her friends would even dare to try it on, let alone, send her a picture of it. Mind you, she never said anything about not wanting me to try it on prior to me going shopping. She even admitted herself before I went shopping that the designer dress I want looks similar to the one she wore. 

I don't even know how I should react to this.. I thought we were close and I kinda expected her to want to be there for my "special moment" and now she's pissed because I simply tried on the same dress that she bought? Is she being unreasonable or did I do something terribly wrong? I don't even know how to respond to her... Please HELP!

I've attached pictures of both dresses, The one with the gold sash is my designer dream dress and the other is the dress my friend purchased from David's.

climbingsingle

I think your friend is being completely ridiculous. If one of my friends tried on my dress, and loved it and wanted to wear, I would think nothing of it. Actually, I'd even think that was kind of cool. She needs to get over herself. I can't even imagine being upset over something like that. 

ShesSoCold

Jbutrfli4 said:

Hello!! I'm hoping I can get some outside opinions for an issue I've been faced with. Here we go:

A close friend of mine got married earlier this year. I was by her side while she planned everything. I went dress shopping with her, went to wedding expo's, helped with DIY reception decorations, the list goes on and on. She ultimately found a dress at David's Bridal and it was perfect for her wedding, theme, location etc.

I got engaged a few months after she did, but even though we were both planning at the same time, she didn't really want the attention to be on anyone but herself. I sat back and let her have her moment while dress shopping even though I was dying to try some dresses on myself.

Now, months have passed since her wedding and mine isn't until February of next year. I've just started getting serious about finding my own dress. I went shopping with another close friend this past weekend because the first friend couldn't attend. 

The dress that I'm in love with has a similar silhouette as my recently married friend, but mine is a designer dress, not from David's. Even though I knew I couldn't get this dress at David's I still made an appointment there to try stuff on since I really hadn't tried on any and possibly would find something there that I liked even in a different silhouette.... 

When I described the designer dress and showed pictures of it to the girl helping at David's, she went to the racks and grabbed a handful of dresses that she thought I'd like. I tried on several of them and a few other styles as well and the friend that accompanied me took pictures of all of them. 

One of the last dresses she pulled happened to be the same dress that my recently married friend had worn for her wedding. I figured, why not try it on so that I can at least get an idea of what that type of dress would look like on me since the silhouette was similar to the designer dress I've been eyeing. (Let me also add that my friend is a plus sized girl and I'm more on the average/slim side so the dress wouldn't even look the same on both of us). 

I thought nothing of it and even took a few pictures of it. I later sent one of them to her and asked her if it looked familiar. I told her that I didn't even seek it out, that the girl working there pulled it for me after seeing the designer dress I want. I also sent her pictures of the other 15 plus dresses that I had tried on at my appointment. 

For 5 days now, she hasn't responded, even though I explained I only tried it on to get an idea of the shape and had absolutely no intentions to buy it. ..... crickets.....

Now, she's expressed to me via email how hurt she was that I'd even THINK of trying on the same dress that she wore. She said it hurt her feelings and couldn't believe that any of her friends would even dare to try it on, let alone, send her a picture of it. Mind you, she never said anything about not wanting me to try it on prior to me going shopping. She even admitted herself before I went shopping that the designer dress I want looks similar to the one she wore. 

I don't even know how I should react to this.. I thought we were close and I kinda expected her to want to be there for my "special moment" and now she's pissed because I simply tried on the same dress that she bought? Is she being unreasonable or did I do something terribly wrong? I don't even know how to respond to her... Please HELP!

I've attached pictures of both dresses, The one with the gold sash is my designer dream dress and the other is the dress my friend purchased from David's.

She's nuts and this is not your problem. Seriously, I don't know what else to say. Being angry that someone tried on the same article of clothing that you purchased just does not compute. And it's a relatively inexpensive DB dress, not a five figure custom designer gown. I tried that dress on myself, have seen a bride wear it in person and at least twice on Four Weddings. She needs to get over herself. 

frenchiekin

As PP said, I've seen the David's one in plenty of places.  If a bride gets her dress from a big store like that, she should not expect to be the only one to ever wear it, much less the only one to ever try it on.  I think she's being a little nuts.  This is your cue to stop talking to her about your dress, whether you have intentions to purchase this one specifically or not.

TBH, I really don't think the 2 dresses even look all that much alike, aside from the neckline and the sash.  She can't just claim every strapless modified A-line gown with lace detail and a sash.

Edit for missing words.

LD1970

She's a loon.  If I hadn't had my dress preserved and a friend was thinking of something similar, I'd pull out the actual dress I actually wore and let her try it!

sparklepants41

Agree with PPs. Your friend is completely out of line.

Does she think that once she wears a gown for her wedding, no one else can ever wear it? Is David's Bridal supposed to burn that gown now - in all sizes - because it's now the gown that Mrs. Princess Petunia Snowflake wore to her wedding?

STARMOON44

Mmmhhhhmmmm. What did you think would happen when you sent your drama loving friend who you know wants all the attention a photo of you in her dress? Like, honestly yes she's being silly but that was just dumb.

And give me a break with her wanting to be there for your special moment crap. She wasn't there! You texted later! It's not even the dress you are getting! Dresses you try on and don't purchase are not a special moment.

Jbutrfli4

What I meant by her wanting to be there for my "special moment" was referring to dress shopping in general and not specifically finding THE dress. 

We've been rather close friends for several years and while she was planning her wedding, I was there to help her with all of the odds and ends (actually one of the only people who she called on for help probably because she knew that I would). 

Now that it's my turn, going through this important process, I'd at least expect her to be interested and want to be involved rather than me having to jump through hoops to work around her schedule. It's kinda off putting that she has been "too busy" to accompany me while on my dress search after I went to several different bridal shops with her when she was searching for hers. 

thisismynickname2

I think this is when you pull one of those passive aggressive apologies- "I'm sorry you're hurt. Like I said, I only tried it on to see the silhouette and mistakenly thought you'd find it funny." Then I'd carry on with other conversation like nothing ever happened. If she wants to continue to be butthurt about it, then she's a shitty friend, unfortunately. 

kimmiinthemitten

You mentioned she's a fuller size girl.  Per chance is she the only full size girl in your group?  I'm not saying that excuses his SS behavior, but if she is, or if she is sensitive to your size difference perhaps seeing a smaller girl in a dress she felt beautiful in made her upset.

I've seen this happen with a BM who felt good in her dress because the bride let her choose her dress in whichever color.  And then the rest of the thinner BMs came in in slimmer silhouettes and her confidence crashed.  

STARMOON44

Jbutrfli4 said:

What I meant by her wanting to be there for my "special moment" was referring to dress shopping in general and not specifically finding THE dress. 

We've been rather close friends for several years and while she was planning her wedding, I was there to help her with all of the odds and ends (actually one of the only people who she called on for help probably because she knew that I would). 

Now that it's my turn, going through this important process, I'd at least expect her to be interested and want to be involved rather than me having to jump through hoops to work around her schedule. It's kinda off putting that she has been "too busy" to accompany me while on my dress search after I went to several different bridal shops with her when she was searching for hers. 

Mmmhhhhhmmmmm. Except in your OP all you said was she was unavailable for this one trip. You're looking for drama here. Sucks you went all in for her but you should never do that expecting you'll get the same in return. And you got to go with one good friend right?! That's at least something.

You can spend your engagement annoyed at her lack of involvement or spend it happily enjoying this time with people who want to be involved. Your call.

Jbutrfli4

I'll actually be having a rather small destination wedding with only close family and friends attending as the venue is small and doesn't allow for a large group. I won't be having a wedding party.

Her wedding was somewhat similar as her and her guy went away to tie the knot alone and had a reception for friends and family when they returned. She also didn't have a bridal party. 

I wouldn't say she's my only "plus size" friend. I have a diverse group of girlfriends when referring to shape and build. I'm also not in amazing shape myself (trying on dresses in size 12/14, street size about an 8/10. We all know these dress sizes run small... Which is depressing at first until you realize they're all that way) LOL

missa011

Jbutrfli4 said:

I'll actually be having a rather small destination wedding with only close family and friends attending as the venue is small and doesn't allow for a large group. I won't be having a wedding party.

Her wedding was somewhat similar as her and her guy went away to tie the knot alone and had a reception for friends and family when they returned. She also didn't have a bridal party. 

I wouldn't say she's my only "plus size" friend. I have a diverse group of girlfriends when referring to shape and build. I'm also not in amazing shape myself (trying on dresses in size 12/14, street size about an 8/10. We all know these dress sizes run small... Which is depressing at first until you realize they're all that way) LOL

Seriously don't even think of the dress size. I'm a street size 4 and ordered a 12 because my bust is larger than the rest of me, unfortunately. It also depends on the silhouette. So don't get hung up on a size just find dresses you love!

Jbutrfli4

It's not just this one time that she's not been available . There's been several attempts to go shopping together but it never fails that she's already got plans that cannot be broken. Over the several years that we've been friends, that's one thing that's always irked me. She's the only person I know who I can ask weeks in advance to get together and there's almost always a schedule conflict. I also didn't help her with the intentions that she'd be there for me. I'm usually generous and helpful to all of my friends and I feel like the saying "treat others how you'd like to be treated" is the right thing to do. I'd just expect her to want to be there, not only because I was there for her, but because we've been rather close for almost a decade. 

Jbutrfli4

I totally agree with you Missa011. It's not the number on the label that matters, it's what the clothes look like on the body. I don't get hung up on size but while shopping I initially went straight to the size 8/10 rack at Davids only to find out they were WAY too small. After trying on several dresses by different designers I realized that these dresses all run small, but before I knew that I had a little bit of a shock. LOL

southernbelle0915

David's is probably one of the most popular dress dealers and she bought one of the most popular styles...she can't expect to have a monopoly on this dress. If she wanted a dress to be only hers, she should have had one custom made. She's being unreasonable. 

But you don't have to go fishing for drama either. If you're not going to buy this dress, then just respond to her email and say "I'm sorry you're hurt that I tried this dress on. I'm not going to buy it." and leave it alone. 

ETA: If you ARE going to buy the dress, then just let her know that it's your dream dress so it's the one you've chosen. If she decides to sever the friendship over it, it probably wasn't that deep of a friendship to begin with.

Jbutrfli4

southernbelle0915 said:

David's is probably one of the most popular dress dealers and she bought one of the most popular styles...she can't expect to have a monopoly on this dress. If she wanted a dress to be only hers, she should have had one custom made. She's being unreasonable. 

But you don't have to go fishing for drama either. If you're not going to buy this dress, then just respond to her email and say "I'm sorry you're hurt that I tried this dress on. I'm not going to buy it." and leave it alone. 

ETA: If you ARE going to buy the dress, then just let her know that it's your dream dress so it's the one you've chosen. If she decides to sever the friendship over it, it probably wasn't that deep of a friendship to begin with.

Hi southernbelle0915, 

I actually have absolutely no desire to purchase the same dress that she wore. I simply tried it on because it was my first time dress shopping and wanted to know if this silhouette looked good on me. I've been trying to find the designer dress (Maggie Sottero/Karena Royale) and I've got an appointment tomorrow to go try it on (and possibly buy it). 

anjemon

I agree with PP's. Your friend is being ridiculous. If I had a friend who wanted to borrow my dress, I would be all for it. And if she was just trying it on I would probably tell her how much I loved it. My dress is gorgeous and I want my friend to be gorgeous. Also I paid a lot of money for it so I'd love to get more uses out of it.

As to how you respond, I think this depends on how your friend is normally. Is she usually a drama llama who blows everything out of proportion then forgets about it two days later? Because then I'd just ignore it until you are actually planning to buy that dress. If she is the type to just be dramatic for drama's sake and not let anything die, then I think you need to apologize like PP's suggested. Not for trying on the dress, but for making her unhappy. But if she's the type who usually isn't at all dramatic, I would try and sit down and talk to her. Try and figure out why she's reacting so strongly to this. You're both going to have weddings and you may like something she did or want to borrow something she bought. You need to know if every wedding detail is going to be a drama issue or if it's just this one thing.

monkeysip

Your friend is nuts

A.  No one has an exclusive right to a wedding gown.  There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to wear the same dress another friend wore.  She has no reason to be mad.

B.  The dress is a pretty common silhouette without anything that makes it really stand out from other dresses (I don't mean that in a negative way--its beautiful!).  Just saying that A LOT of brides wear dresses that look like that, and I can't imagine ANY guest looking at you thinking "Didn't so and so wear that dress to her wedding?".  It's not like you're both wearing this dress:  

kvruns

I would just ignore her and not respond unless you know that that will somehow make things worse. She's getting her panties in a twist for no reason but you also need to make sure that you don't expect that she will be there for you or do a bunch of stuff for you just because you did that for her.  Sure it would nice to have the help/support/attention be reciprocated but it doesn't sound like that will happen so it would be best to set your expectations now and not get hurt or upset if she's not around for other aspects of the wedding.

and for what it is worth those dresses don't look similar to me at all. The David's one actually reminds me of my dress, looks like the same bust, rouching, and silhouette, except it looks like it is lace (or maybe that is just the picture that makes it look that way) 

Jbutrfli4

monkeysip said:

Your friend is nuts

A.  No one has an exclusive right to a wedding gown.  There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to wear the same dress another friend wore.  She has no reason to be mad.

B.  The dress is a pretty common silhouette without anything that makes it really stand out from other dresses (I don't mean that in a negative way--its beautiful!).  Just saying that A LOT of brides wear dresses that look like that, and I can't imagine ANY guest looking at you thinking "Didn't so and so wear that dress to her wedding?".  It's not like you're both wearing this dress:  

The thing I don't understand with her is that I have absolutely NO intention of purchasing or wearing the same dress she wore for her wedding. I've found a different dress (alot different in my eyes) with a similar silhouette. I only tried on "her" dress because the first place I went was David's and they don't carry Maggie Sottero so I was left to their selection. I wanted to see if that silhouette looked good on me so that I'd know whether or not I should keep trying to seek out the designer dress I've fallen in love with online or if I should go back to the drawing board. 

She's simply mad at me for trying it on.. and she said nothing prior to me going shopping that I was forbidden to try on "her" dress. We're close and I genuinely thought she'd find it funny that the David's Bridal employee pulled that dress for me to try after I explained the designer dress to her because my friend and I had discussed previously that the dress I love had a similar shape to "her" dress. 

I could understand this reaction if I were planning to actually buy it, and lets say she kindly asked me not to because it would hurt her feelings, and I ignored her and did it anyway... That would be a sh*tty move on my part, but all I did was try it on, and try to share the experience with someone who I thought was a good friend since she was unable to accompany me when I wanted to go shopping.. 

I'm truly at a loss.... 

STARMOON44

Jbutrfli4 said:

monkeysip said:

Your friend is nuts

A.  No one has an exclusive right to a wedding gown.  There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to wear the same dress another friend wore.  She has no reason to be mad.

B.  The dress is a pretty common silhouette without anything that makes it really stand out from other dresses (I don't mean that in a negative way--its beautiful!).  Just saying that A LOT of brides wear dresses that look like that, and I can't imagine ANY guest looking at you thinking "Didn't so and so wear that dress to her wedding?".  It's not like you're both wearing this dress:  

The thing I don't understand with her is that I have absolutely NO intention of purchasing or wearing the same dress she wore for her wedding. I've found a different dress (alot different in my eyes) with a similar silhouette. I only tried on "her" dress because the first place I went was David's and they don't carry Maggie Sottero so I was left to their selection. I wanted to see if that silhouette looked good on me so that I'd know whether or not I should keep trying to seek out the designer dress I've fallen in love with online or if I should go back to the drawing board. 

She's simply mad at me for trying it on.. and she said nothing prior to me going shopping that I was forbidden to try on "her" dress. We're close and I genuinely thought she'd find it funny that the David's Bridal employee pulled that dress for me to try after I explained the designer dress to her because my friend and I had discussed previously that the dress I love had a similar shape to "her" dress. 

I could understand this reaction if I were planning to actually buy it, and lets say she kindly asked me not to because it would hurt her feelings, and I ignored her and did it anyway... That would be a sh*tty move on my part, but all I did was try it on, and try to share the experience with someone who I thought was a good friend since she was unable to accompany me when I wanted to go shopping.. 

I'm truly at a loss.... 

Srsly? After all this you're "truly" at a loss? You texted your friend a photo of you in her dress, but wait a smaller version. You can't understand at all that she wouldn't just find this totally amazeballs awesome? Yes. She 100% reacted poorly. But if she's such a good friend it's on you too to try and comprehend.

Jbutrfli4

I think it's the way she addressed if that has me at a loss. Who talks to their friends like this:

"I am sorry that I never responded to you over the weekend. Honestly I didn’t know what to say to the texts you were sending me. You probably wont understand my point of view or feelings on this which is why I am hesitant to bring it up but I think its sh*tty of me as a friend not to be honest with you. It hurt my feelings when you took a pic of yourself in my dress. My dress that I have emotional attachment to and I am sentimental about and wore on my wedding day. I know that a million people will try on that dress and is mass produced but I wouldn’t imagine one of my friends doing that …. taking a pic of themselves in it and sending it to me. I wouldn’t do that to one of my friends because I do not think it is appropriate regardless of whether the sales lady or you picked it out.

I know you probably think this is crazy and that its no big deal to you but it is to me. I do not expect you to understand my feelings because there has been many other instances where I have to think to myself well its [my name] and she doesn’t know better. I shouldn’t give you a free pass or think that way just because you may not get it like others would. We were brought up so differently and I know I wouldn’t necessarily understand your point of view either on things."

I feel like the way she put it was extremely condescending and rude! Not everything is about her but I guess to her it is... How am I the only one who wouldn't understand when everyone else would? Obviously I'm not the only one who thinks it's crazy that she's this angry at me for trying the dress on. As I previously stated, if I was even considering buying it her reaction would be justified. I never expected her to think it was "amazeballs awesome", just that she'd get a laugh from the irony of the scenario. I'd hope she doesn't think there was any malicious intent behind it because she knows me better than that but to spin it as though I'm clueless is the hurtful part.

Jen4948

Yeah, she was extremely condescending and rude.  Buying a wedding dress (or any other garment) does not give anyone a monopoly on it.  She was BSC to respond as she did.

AW3380

@Jbutrfli4 if you have not responded to your friend yet, my suggestion would be to tell her that you sincerely apologize for hurting her feelings, that was not your intention and then drop the subject.  You cannot control how people feel/act, all you can control is your reaction.  I agree that she is acting a little ridiculous about the whole dress issue.  And if you are asking her to come along with you and she keeps coming up with conflicts, stop asking her.  To me that would be a clear sign that she is not interested in being involved.  It sucks for you since you gave up so much of your time for her but sometimes that is the way it works.  Save yourself the heartache and enjoy planning your wedding!

climbingsingle

Wait. If you have no intention of buying this dress, why did you send her a picture of yourself in in?

Jbutrfli4

climbingwife said:

Wait. If you have no intention of buying this dress, why did you send her a picture of yourself in in?

I sent her pictures of 15+ dresses that I had tried on at that appointment and asked for her opinion on the ones I liked since I really wanted her to come with me dress shopping but it's impossible to make plans with her without months notice in advance.. 

I sent her the picture of "her" dress along with the others, thinking she'd laugh at the irony of the scenario since her and I had previously discussed how the silhouette of the designer dress I have my eyes on was similar to the dress she had purchased for her wedding.  I even explained when I sent the picture of "her" dress that I didn't deliberately seek it out, and that the girl working at David's pulled it after I described the designer dress. 

She knows that I have no intention of buying "her" dress and that I only tried it on to see if the silhouette looked good on me. The designer dress that I want isn't in stock at any of the shops close to where we live. I'm driving to a shop 2 hours from where we live tomorrow to finally get the opportunity to try it on, but had I not liked the silhouette after trying on "her" dress, I wouldn't be wasting a half day vacation and all of the gas money to try the designer dress on. 

NowIAmSyp

thisismynickname said:

I think this is when you pull one of those passive aggressive apologies- "I'm sorry you're hurt. Like I said, I only tried it on to see the silhouette and mistakenly thought you'd find it funny." Then I'd carry on with other conversation like nothing ever happened. If she wants to continue to be butthurt about it, then she's a shitty friend, unfortunately. 

This.

arrrghmatey

I'd stop discussing wedding planning stuff with this girl before she starts claiming how hurt she is that your wedding invitations are the same shape and colors as hers.

MesmrEwe

One thing I'd avoid - asking her to be a BM in your wedding - this just screams that there'll be bigger dramas ahead if you do!  Anything but if you want her involved in the day.  She already sounds like a fair-weather friend anyway. 

For her to get that offended by you trying on a dress the same as hers is BSC.  Really, my SIL was gunning for me to get the same dress that she had (NO EFFING WAY!) when I took her one day to try on dresses with MIL even though they didn't have it in a size I could even try on. 

The best response is "Thanks for the feedback - I just wanted to try the silhouette to see how it looked on my body." and leave it at that.  Don't take the drama bait...  Bean dip!

[Deleted User]

Do not ask this girl to be a BM- she seems way too sensitive. She would find a way to make drama out of the simplest "duties" (buy the dress in her budget and show up mostly sober).