Save the Dates?

WesternMA0516

I'm totally confused on Save the Dates. I thought I was supposed to send one to everyone on the wedding list, but as I read more, I'm finding that I should only send them to VIPs and those who have to travel (which is a pretty big group). It seems odd to only send them to some people? For instance, we have some friends who need to travel and in the same group, we have friends who don't, so I'd be sending Save the Dates to half of the group... won't people get snarky and wonder if they're invited?

Another issue- my mother in law can't make up her mind about who she wants to invite. In fairness, she has a large family and few close friends and she has some friends shes on the fence about inviting. Is it ok to not send those people Save the Dates? There's not an issue of them finding out about the wedding and being offended, as she's not in regular contact with them or anyone else who is attending.

ShesSoCold

WesternMA0516 said:

I'm totally confused on Save the Dates. I thought I was supposed to send one to everyone on the wedding list, but as I read more, I'm finding that I should only send them to VIPs and those who have to travel (which is a pretty big group). It seems odd to only send them to some people? For instance, we have some friends who need to travel and in the same group, we have friends who don't, so I'd be sending Save the Dates to half of the group... won't people get snarky and wonder if they're invited?

Another issue- my mother in law can't make up her mind about who she wants to invite. In fairness, she has a large family and few close friends and she has some friends shes on the fence about inviting. Is it ok to not send those people Save the Dates? There's not an issue of them finding out about the wedding and being offended, as she's not in regular contact with them or anyone else who is attending.

The advice here saying that you should only sent STDs to VIPs and OOTers is because of the worry that some circumstances would change during the engagement and, for some unforeseen reason, you would need to cut your guest list. But there's nothing wrong with sending them to everyone and I would definitely send them to everyone who is on the list in the same social circle.

WesternMA0516

One last question: a family member 100 percent cannot come due to another commitment. Do I still send a Save the Date?

ShesSoCold

WesternMA0516 said:

One last question: a family member 100 percent cannot come due to another commitment. Do I still send a Save the Date?

Yes.

SP29

So the thing with STDs, is that anyone who is sent a STD needs to be sent an invitation.

The caution with STDs is that you may send one to a friend or family member, and then later decide you don't really want to invite them anymore. Or, some couples will create a guest list to their max budget and venue capacity a year out, and send everyone a STD. Then in the time up to invitations, form new relationships with people they would like to invite to the wedding but can't due to space/ budget. Particularly when they have new friends they would prefer to invite over other guests they've already sent STDs to. We've had lots of brides come on here and ask if it's OK to B-list, because they made some new friends, or became closer to their co-workers, but sent STDs and invited to their capacity, and now there is no more room. 

The purpose of a STD is to let guests know ahead of time, and it is intended for your VIPs (the people you KNOW you want there) and guests that need to make travel plans. This is not to say you *can't* send everyone a STD... but I would caution you not to fill your invite list to it's max at this point. Also, it is also OK to verbally let guests know when your wedding date is. Sending in circles is a good idea. 

As for your MIL- it is 100% OK to not send a STD. STDs are never required (only that if you send one, you MUST send an invitation). If your MIL is not sure, I would wait until closer to sending out your invitations to finalize the guest list. 

As for guests who can't come- anyone you would like to invite, regardless of if they say yes or no, send them a STD AND invitation. You never know what could change between now and then. And even if it's still a no, you're letting that guest know you would have liked them to be there (still nice to be included and invited to things, even if you can't go). 

julieanne912

Example of why you don't necessarily need to send STDs to everyone.  In March, when I sent out my STDs to my entire guest list at the time, I was working at Job A, and I invited a few coworkers and 2 bosses.  Literally the week my STDs went out, some shit went down at work, one coworker up and left, and one of my bosses started treating me poorly, which I found out later was because the coworker who left, had told him some false things about me.  

In June, I left Job A and started Job B.  Never heard a peep from anybody at Job A after that, even though I thought I was friends w/ some of them (hence the wedding invite).  July rolls around and I'm doing my invitations, and because I sent STDs to the folks at Job A, I HAD to send them all an invitation, even though I didn't want to.  

And, because we invited the maximum our venue could hold, we couldn't add in anybody new that we became friends with since the STDs went out.  Needless to say, all the people from Job A declined to come except for one couple, which would have opened up about 10 spots for other people had we not sent them a STD.

So yes, that's why people recommend only sending STDs to VIPs and people who have to travel some distance.

Maggie0829

I answered you over on the invite board.

anjemon

PP's have covered it. I sent STDs to all our friends, my close family (aunts, uncles, cousins who I was for sure inviting), and then FI's close family. 

We didn't send STDs to extended family (mostly my Mom's cousins and the like) and my parent's friends, which ended up being super nice because my Mom got more time to think about who she wanted to invite. And I didn't have to pressure her about those additions when I was ready to send STDs.

I also agree with PP's that you should send them in circles. If you're going to for sure invite all those friends, send them all STDs. Just make sure you really want to invite everyone you include.

Jen4948

I would send save-the-dates to, as you said, VIPs and those who need to make travel and time-off arrangements longer in advance than 6 to 8 weeks, even if they've told you they can't come, because their circumstances can change. 

Sending them in circles is a good idea.