How to choose my wedding party?

MCmeow

Hi everyone! Me and my fiance will be engaged for 2 months tomorrow and we finally started wedding planning, woot. It's gonna be in Spring 2017 so still too early to plan seriously but it's hard not to. Anyway, I was thinking about bridesmaids and selecting a maid of honor and realized I'm stuck. (My fiance is stuck on his groomsmen as well, haha)

I'll give a bit of background. I never had too many friends, I have one best friend that I have been friends with for 18 years now (2nd grade for the win). We have been in and out of each others lives because of school and such, but we're now starting to spend more time together again. I'm very close to a few of my cousins, especially one of them who is definitely a sister to me. So from the cousins I can think of 2 being in the wedding party. 

Also during college I became pretty close to a group of people. 5 of them are girls and they've always been really good friends. But including all of them plus the necessary 3 would make the bridesmaid-to-guest ratio very uneven. We're planning to invite 90-ish people.

So my obvious choice would be the 2 cousins and my best friend. Is that too little? With the college friends it's all or none. And I'm not sure if my closest cousin or my best friend should be the maid of honor. Just need some advice for this confused bride-to-be.

ShesSoCold

Don't ask anyone yet, don't pick anyone out of "obligation" and don't make your choices based on even sides.

climbingsingle

You're way too far out to start asking people to be in your wedding party. Wait until at least 9-10 months prior. And then, ask the people you consider your very best friends. That's it. 

MCmeow

Thanks for the replies. Just to be clear I'm definitely not asking yet haha. Just thinking about it for now.

arrrghmatey

It is WAY too early to be picking your bridal party. All too many times we've heard from brides here that they picked their bridal party a bit too prematurely and then things happen (people move, fights/falling outs, bridal party members disappear, etc) and then the brides regret picking those people to be their BMs and want to kick them out of the bridal party. Wait until 8 months before your wedding to choose your bridal party.

That being said, there are no set rules on how many bridesmaids is too much or too little (okay, 20+ bridesmaids may be pushing it), and remember that the bridal party sides do not need to be even. Your FI can have 5 groomsmen and you can have 3 bridesmaids. And I've never heard of a bridesmaid-to-guest ratio concern before. The biggest rule to live by in your decision is making sure you choose those you are nearest and dearest to you, which sound like your childhood friend and your two cousins. Don't pick someone to be in your bridal party because you are afraid of them feeling excluded from something.

Jen4948

Wait until 6 to 8 months before your wedding and then choose based on who you are closest to at that time.  Sides don't need to be even; nor do you need to make choices based on any sense of "obligation" or the possibility that someone will have hurt feelings if they aren't chosen.  Also, you aren't limited to choosing members of your own sex.  You can choose males and your FI can choose females for your attendants.

SP29

Agreed- wait until you are closer to the date.

A general guideline is to choose the people who you'd call up at 2AM to help you bury a body. As in, pick those who are nearest and dearest to you. 

Don't pick people out of obligation. Don't pick people to make up even sides.

Personally, I would go smaller than larger. Your best friend + 2 cousins is not too small! From how you describe these individuals it sounds your best friend and one cousin are good people to have in your party. But again, wait awhile. 

Also- just to state, because we see it so often- your bridal party is people who you are choosing to honour, because they are special people in your life. They have no roles except to show up the day of, in the agreed upon attire. Choosing someone for your bridal party has nothing to do with how close they live to you, or how much they are willing or able to help you plan. 

For my wedding, I had 2 friends, one as MOH, one as a BM. I had also asked another friend to be a BM, but she was unable to attend the wedding. DH had 2 friends on his side. Then we had our niece and nephew as our FG and RB.

My friend who was my MOH just got married this past August. She and her husband didn't have a wedding party. Her DH met her at the start of the aisle and they walked down together. Their mothers handed the officiant the rings, and the mothers signed the marriage license. It was a very lovely wedding! 

MCmeow

Yeah, I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Just so excited about everything you know? :P I need patience. All great advice. Thank you!

mileybangerz

aurianna

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

princessleia22

First, I agree with everyone else, that it's too soon to officially pick the wedding party.  But, it's okay to start thinking about it.

I think the bridal party should be those absolutely closest to you and those ones you ABSOLUTELY know you want.  In your case, I think that probably means just best friend and cousins.  If you are wavering on including the college friends, then that means they shouldn't be in your party. Plus, smaller WP is definitely easier to manage.  And it's less expense for everyone.  You can still have the college friends invited to the pre-wedding events... they just don't need to shell out money for a new dress.

As far as which one to be MOH, who it the first person you would think to call if you had to move a dead body? Or if there were an emergency?  If someone close to you died, would you call your best friend or cousin first?  That should give you your answer.  Or, there's nothing saying that you can only have one MOH.  Both my sister & my best friend were MOH at my wedding. And my sister did the same thing for her wedding. Although, that does get more complicated when you only have 3 people and you make 2 MOH and one 1 BM... that 3rd person could feel left out.  Or, who says you really need to assign a MOH at all?  Maybe make them all equal BM's. There's not realy strict rules on that one.

Jen4948

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

aurianna

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

Do they have your same sense of humor and whimsy?

Jen4948

aurianna said:

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

Do they have your same sense of humor and whimsy?

The police?  Probably not.

erinlin25

3 people sound perfect, and just remember sides do not need to be even.  Take a breath and enjoy your long engagement.

snowywinter

Regarding the wedding party to guest ratio: I struggled with this very thing. I haven't asked anyone yet, but have decided that I don't care. I want to honor my friends and if that means seven BMs when we're having a fairly small wedding, then so be it. Some of the suggestions I've read include having your wedding party walk down the aisle, then sit in seats in the front row so that you don't have a big crowd at the altar. You could have your MOH and best man up there if you like and have the rest of them sit in the front row. Or, you could have them all stand up with you if you don't feel like it's too much.

redoryx

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

If you think the police are going to help you bury a dead body I think you're missing the complete point of this example and exercise. 

AddieCake

I'd call Jen to help me bury a body.

Jen4948

redoryx said:

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

If you think the police are going to help you bury a dead body I think you're missing the complete point of this example and exercise. 

No, I'm not. If the idea is that those who are closest to you are those who should be asked, well, those same people are not necessarily those one would call for help in an emergency such as burying a body.  I would not ask those I want to "honor" for help with burying a body-in fact, I'd want to spare them involvement with burying a body.  I would not need anyone's help burying a body in the small hours of the morning.

The police would investigate whether that dead body was a homicide and if it was, who did it.  That has nothing to do with me.  So don't accuse me of not getting the point, because the point is a stupid bullshit criterion.

cgss11

The best decision I made wedding wise was having a small wedding party (one maid of honor, one best man). I have a group of girlfriends that I considered, but didn't want to have it get too big, and didn't want to pick and choose, so I had just my sister in law.

We save a lot of money by having a small party too. We could get them a generous gift, that was specific to them, and it was wonderful to only need to worry about the one person and money for that rather than a lot of people.

I still had the photographer take some pictures of me and my friends (more table shots), and I had plenty of fun and "special" moments with them. They came to my showers and bach, etc. And honestly, we're at the age where there are a lot of weddings, and it gets expensive being a bridesmaid! So they did not feel left out in the slightest.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

redoryx said:

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

If you think the police are going to help you bury a dead body I think you're missing the complete point of this example and exercise. 

No, I'm not. If the idea is that those who are closest to you are those who should be asked, well, those same people are not necessarily those one would call for help in an emergency such as burying a body.  I would not ask those I want to "honor" for help with burying a body-in fact, I'd want to spare them involvement with burying a body.  I would not need anyone's help burying a body in the small hours of the morning.

The police would investigate whether that dead body was a homicide and if it was, who did it.  That has nothing to do with me.  So don't accuse me of not getting the point, because the point is a stupid bullshit criterion.

Yep, definitely missed the point.

kmmssg

Jen - it is a EUPHEMISM! Who are the people who are dead closest to you?  Who are the ones who are always there for you no matter what?  Hence... who would help you hide a body at 3 in the morning?   You must have missed the hundred times I have offered that as an example.  If someone is TRULY hiding bodies at 3 in the morning they have much bigger problems than choosing a wedding party.

OP - one other thing to consider as you decide who you want and how many you should have in your bridal party is this:  the bridal party is a line item in your budget.  Each member needs a bouquet or boutonniere, a thank you gift, and their spouse/SO needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  Let's say you both are just overly blessed with great friends and you each choose 10 people to be on BMs/GMs.  Well, you just obligated yourself to 40 guests at your rehearsal dinner, not including the rest of your families and anyone else you wanted to invite.

Don't get hung up on even sides.  I have seen many weddings with uneven sides and it is beautiful.  You can google pictures of it to see how common it is.

kimmiinthemitten

Jen4948 said:

redoryx said:

Jen4948 said:

aurianna said:

Also I just want to add in case anyone else did:
Your bridal party doesn't have to be all girls. If you're closer to some men they can be bridesmen.

When you're 9 or so months out from the wedding, just think of the people you'd call if you needed help burying a body. Those would be your bridal party members.

I'd call the police, not bridal party members, to help bury a body.  The people in my life whom I'm closest to, whom I would ask to be in my bridal party, are people I'd want to spare from having to help with the burial of a body.

If you think the police are going to help you bury a dead body I think you're missing the complete point of this example and exercise. 

No, I'm not. If the idea is that those who are closest to you are those who should be asked, well, those same people are not necessarily those one would call for help in an emergency such as burying a body.  I would not ask those I want to "honor" for help with burying a body-in fact, I'd want to spare them involvement with burying a body.  I would not need anyone's help burying a body in the small hours of the morning.

The police would investigate whether that dead body was a homicide and if it was, who did it.  That has nothing to do with me.  So don't accuse me of not getting the point, because the point is a stupid bullshit criterion.

My 3 girls were probably there rooting me on prior to the murder that necessitated he burying. .

AddieCake

Nobody should be surprised by Jen's position on this. She has been saying for over a year how she feels about the analogy; this isn't new. She "gets" it; she just doesn't agree with it.

kmmssg

@kimmiandkoley - this actually became a running joke with one of my friends and I.  She was going to Family Christian bookstore on our lunch hour for some cards and invited me to go with her.  I went and they had a book on display titled "Let's Just Kill Them and Tell God They Died."  I saw that and starting thinking there were some loopholes to be found for doing just what the title said, but it was really how to get along with difficult people.  Our office was across the street from a rental place and we looked outside one day and saw a backhoe on a trailer.  We busted out laughing because we considered it divine intervention since my boss was the ultimate jerk.  To this day you will see references to shovels on our facebook posts.  I am 55 and she is pushing 70.  They say exercise keeps you young!

huskypuppy14

OP- 3 BM is perfect. I had 3 bridesmaids (my 2 sisters and my best friend). Who the MOH is up to you, but it could be more than one or neither. I had both my sisters as MOH and it wasn't a problem. It really doesn't matter who is MOH. In my sisters' weddings I was MOH for one of them,, and the other had her best friend as MOH (we were all in each other's weddings). 

redoryx

kmmssg said:

Jen - it is a EUPHEMISM! Who are the people who are dead closest to you?  Who are the ones who are always there for you no matter what?  Hence... who would help you hide a body at 3 in the morning?   You must have missed the hundred times I have offered that as an example.  If someone is TRULY hiding bodies at 3 in the morning they have much bigger problems than choosing a wedding party.

OP - one other thing to consider as you decide who you want and how many you should have in your bridal party is this:  the bridal party is a line item in your budget.  Each member needs a bouquet or boutonniere, a thank you gift, and their spouse/SO needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  Let's say you both are just overly blessed with great friends and you each choose 10 people to be on BMs/GMs.  Well, you just obligated yourself to 40 guests at your rehearsal dinner, not including the rest of your families and anyone else you wanted to invite.

Don't get hung up on even sides.  I have seen many weddings with uneven sides and it is beautiful.  You can google pictures of it to see how common it is.

Seriously. Nobody is actually burying a dead body here. Jesus Q Christ. 

MCmeow

Haha, whoops this turned into an unexpected conversation :P

MesmrEwe

OP - the smaller the better/easier/cheaper it'll be for you both!  I've yet to hear someone who's been married 10+ years say "I wish I'd have had a larger bridal party!", most were "I think I'd have had two of ya'll! because ____ drove me nuts!"

Absolutely hold off with asking people because so much can change between now and then.  The other thing is, you don't HAVE to have anyone.  Don't ask people out of obligation either.  People who've been with you your whole life are who to ask.  Absolutely invite the others to the wedding, but when it comes to the WP, the smaller the better...

Jen4948

redoryx said:

kmmssg said:

Jen - it is a EUPHEMISM! Who are the people who are dead closest to you?  Who are the ones who are always there for you no matter what?  Hence... who would help you hide a body at 3 in the morning?   You must have missed the hundred times I have offered that as an example.  If someone is TRULY hiding bodies at 3 in the morning they have much bigger problems than choosing a wedding party.

OP - one other thing to consider as you decide who you want and how many you should have in your bridal party is this:  the bridal party is a line item in your budget.  Each member needs a bouquet or boutonniere, a thank you gift, and their spouse/SO needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  Let's say you both are just overly blessed with great friends and you each choose 10 people to be on BMs/GMs.  Well, you just obligated yourself to 40 guests at your rehearsal dinner, not including the rest of your families and anyone else you wanted to invite.

Don't get hung up on even sides.  I have seen many weddings with uneven sides and it is beautiful.  You can google pictures of it to see how common it is.

Seriously. Nobody is actually burying a dead body here. Jesus Q Christ. 

I know what the fuck it means, and I still think it's a fucked-up analogy. The people who are most helpful in emergencies are not necessarily one's nearest and dearest.

Viczaesar

Jen4948 said:

redoryx said:

kmmssg said:

Jen - it is a EUPHEMISM! Who are the people who are dead closest to you?  Who are the ones who are always there for you no matter what?  Hence... who would help you hide a body at 3 in the morning?   You must have missed the hundred times I have offered that as an example.  If someone is TRULY hiding bodies at 3 in the morning they have much bigger problems than choosing a wedding party.

OP - one other thing to consider as you decide who you want and how many you should have in your bridal party is this:  the bridal party is a line item in your budget.  Each member needs a bouquet or boutonniere, a thank you gift, and their spouse/SO needs to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  Let's say you both are just overly blessed with great friends and you each choose 10 people to be on BMs/GMs.  Well, you just obligated yourself to 40 guests at your rehearsal dinner, not including the rest of your families and anyone else you wanted to invite.

Don't get hung up on even sides.  I have seen many weddings with uneven sides and it is beautiful.  You can google pictures of it to see how common it is.

Seriously. Nobody is actually burying a dead body here. Jesus Q Christ. 

I know what the fuck it means, and I still think it's a fucked-up analogy. The people who are most helpful in emergencies are not necessarily one's nearest and dearest.

It's not about people who are helpful in emergencies, it's about the people who are close enough to you that you could tell them you murdered somebody and they'd help you bury the body, not call the police on you.  Metaphorically, not actually - nobody is advocating murder.  The idea is that they're so close that they would become your partner in crime, not your accuser; they're the ones who are with you through thick and thin.  I personally don't care for the metaphor either and don't use it, but it doesn't just mean 'the people who you would call in case of an emergency should be the ones in your wedding party.'