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NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

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Re: NWR: Baby Related, Looking for Some Insight and Advice

  • chloe97chloe97 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    I feel your pain. I'm not even pregnant yet and MIL has already told me that I need to tell her the minute I get the BFP bc she doesn't want to schedule her vacation that month. I've already told H that no one is allowed in the waiting room (my family or his).

    I just want to 2nd the pp that said to talk to your OB about that situation. I've never delivered a baby, but if I'm not mistaken at one point you discuss a "birth plan" with the nurses/OB where you talk about whether you want an epidural, if you have strong feelings about not having a c-section, etc. Maybe talk to her/him about your situation with the ILs and get their feedback. You can't be the first pregnant lady with pushy in-laws. The Dr or nurses may be able to give you some tools to deal with it or offer to lay the snack down.

    I'm 100% on board with the your body, your call posts and just want to add that this is one time in your life where others peoples feelings mean shit. This is your body, your health, your baby. Make the decisions that are best for those things. Your ILs will get over it when they meet the baby!
  • When our son was born, only FI and my mom were in the room. His family is in another state, and came after my mom left after the first week or so. We kept them regularly updated through the process so they weren't worrying. Labor can be a long process, so keeping them in the dark from being admitted to birth could be really nerve wracking for the grandparents. Just a thought.

    From my experience, the hospital is a really hard place to set a routine (and really even that first week+ at home when you're trying to figure out your new normal is madness visitors or not ). I was more exhausted than I could have imagined that first day after delivery, and nurses are in very frequently to check on you, baby, administer meds, etc. We had limited visitors in the hospital, but it was nice to have an extra set of arms to sneak in a quick nap or so FI could get us some non hospital food (or I finally got to shower), because I knew once I was home and help was gone, I'd be all on my own! I was sore for a while, so the help early on was great.

    Another thing to think about, especially with your MIL and how she is acting, but she is a mom too (obviously), and probably is really looking forward to having some baby time! I bonded even more with FMIL when our son was born, as she did have some good advice that comes with experience! It came from a helpful place, not wanting to be overbearing.

    I think it is necessary to set boundaries. Just figure out what makes sense for you guys, while trying to be a little sensitive to what they might be feeling. Maybe that means a set hour or two in the first few days they can visit, with more time scheduled later once you're home.

    Good luck :)
  • My sister lives in FL, as does her MIL and were in Michigan. Like you, she wanted zero visitors in the waiting room until after delivery. Her hospital does the 2 hour chest to chest bonding time and sis was afraid knowing people had been in the waiting room all day would pressure her into skipping or rushing that time. Also, she wasn't sure how'd she feel physically and figured she was only a 20 minute drive when she was ready but her MIL is pushy and wanted none of it. So my sister caved and let MIL wait at the hospital. In addition to waiting for news, I spent the day texting with my sisters friends who were being encouraged by MIL to come wait with her, "please do not go to the hospital, Sis wants her privacy today. She is going to text to you guys when she's ready."

    Standyour ground. It's okay to set boundaries and expect privacy.
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  • Yikes.

    OK. Here's some advice as a mom of two with a well meaning but slightly less overbearing MIL:

    1) Hire a doula. Call around and get a great one. I had one for each birth and I think it was great. DH can have anxiety issues and having a doula allowed him to have downtime when needed and her paid focus was ME. In the throws of painful back labor and contractions making me vomit, she was great. Plus, each one knew I was ready to push before I did. I can't speak for how you will be but my brain went somewhere else in the middle of labor. It was great to have her there pulling my attention to where I needed to focus.

    2) I am glad that my room was intimate.

    3) When you're alone with MIL, please try to explain to her how this is a huge occasion for her and you understand it. But it's also a huge medical issues for you. And you wouldn't push attending a surgery or standing outside the bathroom while she poops. That doesn't mean you don't care but you need to express the need for some personal space.


    4) Post birth can suck. Repeat after me: "I am not a hostess. You are not helping me by holding the baby while I make you a sandwich." Enlist DH to put MIL to worK if she shows up.

    5) It's OK not to love motherhood right away. I didn't bond with my baby immediately and I cried all the time. Again, DH needs to know that visits sucks when you want to cry.


    Try to relax. But don't be afraid to be the force behind DH telling his parents how it is. This will be great practice.
  • You have to set boundaries with them now! Your MIL will get over it, and if she doesnt', that is her problem, not yours. I think not letting them visit for a week is a little much, but your house your baby your rules. 

    I think it's completely unnecessary to wait in the waiting room when someone is in labor. You could be there for days. And especially with the skin to skin after the birth, your husband could call them when the baby is born, and they can get there in plenty of time to see her when you guys are ready.


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  • My mother wanted to be in the delivery room with me. She didn't like the fact that I told her no on several occasions. I solved that problem by not telling her about going into labour until the day after my son was born.

    Your body, your baby, your rules. You need to establish boundaries with your in-laws. Good luck!
  • lerowebleroweb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited October 2015
    If they want to wait let them. It's there time they are wasting. But you tell them they can't come to the room until you decide you are ready even if that is the next day.
    I was in the hospital 3 days in labor before my son was born. People left

    Edit because I can't type.
  • MobKaz said:
    @ohmrs2014, if I didn't know DD's spouse had no other siblings married, I'd swear you were related to her husband!  I feel your pain.  Was your MIL like this during wedding planning?

    The first grandchild is incredibly exciting.  Some people just don't know how to contain that excitement. 

    I agree with so much of what everyone has said, but @monkeysip and @STARMOON44 raise very good points.  I do want to add one other mindset for you to consider.  I do NOT say this in any way in an attempt to sway you at all; I absolutely respect everything that you are saying.

    I am also a first time grandma!!  I am the maternal grandmother and I do think that the maternal grandma often gets a little more of the inside track.  It has nothing to do with who is liked or not liked, but is the natural progression of the mother/daughter relationship.  Your MIL may already be feeling that this grandchild will "know" her less than the other grandma, especially if your mom will be seeing the baby daily as the daycare provider.  She may already be projecting that she is the "lesser" grandma.  If you think weddings bring out the crazy in people, just wait til this baby is born!

    I wish you a safe and unremarkable labor and delivery.  (I hope this made a little sense.  I'm still half asleep.)
    I am now a 6 time Nana but I am the maternal nana to each one.  Pretend I wrote everything MobKaz wrote.  I also wish you a safe and happy delivery.
  • monkeysip said:
    It's totally your decision, but thinking more about your desire to keep them away for a week, I just wanted to throw out there that you might want to keep your options open.

    Originally, I didn't really want family there for several days, and I wanted to be able to take care of the baby exclusively to bond with her.  BUT after she was born, I was physically a wreck.  I could barely walk or hold my daughter.  And I was emotionally a wreck too, so there were many times even on the first couple days that I wished we had more help to take care of the baby.  My husband was overwhelmed doing pretty much EVERYTHING.  I didn't change my first diaper until DD was a week.  I was in bad shape.

    Of course I hope you do a lot better, and I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying that like with MOST things related to pregnancy, birth, and children, what we THINK we'll want is not always what we end up wanting in the circumstances.  So keep the in-laws within certain boundaries, but be open to the fact that you MAY end up welcoming their company and help, even with caring for the baby.

    Either way, congrats and wishing you the best with everything!
    Exactly. Things might change. I have a friend whose daughter had said she didn't want visitors for the first two weeks. Within the first week she called and wanted Mom to come over. Don't set anything in stone. You never know what you might want and need when the time comes. As far as the waiting room is concerned, depending on how long they are there it might not be an issue. It isn't like you are going to be focusing on the fact that they are in the WR. You will have other things to occupy you! Also, your husband may need a break at some point depending on the length of your labor. I know my husband went to get a bite to eat/cup of coffee at a convenient time - no big deal! He actually might appreciate having family in the WR. This of course doesn't mean they can come running to the delivery room right after the birth. I'm just saying don't slam doors and limit your options. You don't want to have the relationship of your child and her grandparents be strained from the beginning. In this day and age, children need all the loving adults in their lives they can get!
  • Thanks for all of your input ladies.  I love this forum.

    I did begin to talk about it with DH last night, but I stopped the conversation because my anxiety kicked in.  And he felt bad because things with his new job have been amazing, but stressful at the same time and he feels like he has been neglecting me so to speak, but its not the case. 

    I would never do anything to cut any grandparent out and my MIL could very well be feeling like that.  But it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first.  

    And the way I worded the no visitors for a week was more like "I would prefer to bond and such on our own with no outside interference, but things may change.  For right now, this is what I  want."  My parents weren't too happy, but they understood because when I was first born they had visitors that first week and it drove them crazy so with my sister, they learned and basically did what I would like to do.  His mom and sister were so upset, but DH agrees with me on this.  Right now, there is a little bit of an understanding that if anyone comes to visit, I will be the sole one to be with baby.  His mom looks at it more like, if there's laundry I'll come grab it, if you need dinner, I'll bring it or cook it, which is great, but these are also things I would like to try to manage on my own while taking care of a baby.  But I would never "ban" either set of grandparents.  Its just what I would prefer right now.  

    My MIL during wedding planning had the mindset of "what you want or need, let us know and we will help" which was great because it was my parents that were the overbearing, I can't deal with them right now.  It seems now the tables have turned.

    I did mention to DH this morning that I spoke with a doula and he seems open to the idea, obviously cost might be an issue, but he knows my anxiety is getting worse the closer the due date comes, so he is willing to sit down and discuss the option for an outsider to come in and help with the birthing process and to help him with the anxiety aspect.
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  • DH and I have talked about it.  He said he wants them to at the very least have the option to show up if they want, but he agrees that they will not come anywhere near me, the delivery room while I'm in labor and that I will get a few hours after birth for us to bond as a family.  He also said that depending on the time of birth, if its closer to the evening, that they can head home and see the baby the following day (his words, not mine).  He has expressed numerous times that my comfort level is his number 1 priority, especially with my anxiety becoming increasingly harder for me to handle the closer I get to the end.

    He has told me that he does feel torn between my needs and his families wants.  He is the type that will try to make everyone happy, which is what I love about him, but like I said, he has expressed that he knows that I do come first, and I think his mom is having a hard time with it because they are usually more laid back, but he has never really had to "stand up" to her and say no so this is also new territory for them as well.  Its a learning curve for everyone.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?

    You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
  • Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all? You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
    Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait.  That is not unkind.  There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.

    Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat.  And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that.  I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.  

    I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship.  My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
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  • Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?

    You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.

    Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait.  That is not unkind.  There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.

    Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat.  And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that.  I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.  

    I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship.  My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.



    Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
  • Perhaps a compromise would be that if they want to come and wait at the hospital, they can.  But they are not to alert your H to them being there and they cannot continually text, call, and leave voicemails.  Your H can update them from time to time via text regardless of where they are, but that they know his focus is on you and not responding back to any incessant texts from them.

    Are there any other siblings or an aunt that could talk to MIL and help her to back off?

  • Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all? You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
    Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait.  That is not unkind.  There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.

    Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat.  And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that.  I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.  

    I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship.  My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
    This exactly.  While the waiting room has no visiting hours, the postpartum room does.  After baby is born, I get 1 1/2 - 2 hours of bonding and skin to skin contact.  After that, they take the baby with dad into the nursery, clean her up even more and complete the state mandated tests.  While that is happening, I am getting cleaned up and getting ready to move from labor and delivery into a postpartum room.  Once in the postpartum room, visiting hours kick in.  Which end at either 7pm or 9pm, I can't remember.  So if I give birth anytime after lets say 5:30pm, then yes, everyone will wait until the next day to visit and see baby.  And those are hospital rules, not just mine.
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  • Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all? You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
    And if I'm being unkind and unreasonable to my in laws, then I'm also being unkind and unreasonable to my parents as well.  I honestly don't see it that way, but like I said, we can agree can to disagree.
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  • I think it is unreasonable for grandparents and aunts and uncles to be to insist on being present or seeing the baby immediately. If the parents want their parents there for support, then fine. But the grandparents do not get to make demands of the parents. If you make unreasonable demands, do you really expect to get a lot of sympathy when people tell you no and that you are asking too much?
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  • My thing with the at home first week no visitors is at the very least, let me try it out by myself.  If I need help, let me call you.  Both of our moms just assume I'm not going to be able to do anything or that we aren't going to be able to do anything when we get home.  But again, let us call if we feel overwhelmed.  I don't need them waiting at my doorstep on the first day home because they want to help.
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  • ohmrs2014 said:

    I would never do anything to cut any grandparent out and my MIL could very well be feeling like that.  But it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first.  

    And the way I worded the no visitors for a week was more like "I would prefer to bond and such on our own with no outside interference, but things may change.  For right now, this is what I  want."  My parents weren't too happy, but they understood because when I was first born they had visitors that first week and it drove them crazy so with my sister, they learned and basically did what I would like to do.  His mom and sister were so upset, but DH agrees with me on this.  Right now, there is a little bit of an understanding that if anyone comes to visit, I will be the sole one to be with baby.  His mom looks at it more like, if there's laundry I'll come grab it, if you need dinner, I'll bring it or cook it, which is great, but these are also things I would like to try to manage on my own while taking care of a baby.  But I would never "ban" either set of grandparents.  Its just what I would prefer right now.  

    My MIL during wedding planning had the mindset of "what you want or need, let us know and we will help" which was great because it was my parents that were the overbearing, I can't deal with them right now.  It seems now the tables have turned.

    So your mother in law is offering free food and housecleaning while you're recovering from childbirth, and you're rejecting that offer?

    I'm sorry.  I will never understand this mentality.  I get that you want to manage things on your own.  But you will have years to do that, and the vast majority of that time you will not be managing a major life transition while simultaneously recovering from an incredibly physically and emotionally strenuous experience.  Your IL's family is offering you help.  You will more than likely need it.  This is what family is for.  Accept it.

    After this baby is born, you will be sleep deprived.  There will be all sorts of crazy things going on with your hormones.  You may or may not be recovering from major surgery depending on whether you have a c-section, and even if you aren't, physically you will be recovering from an extremely strenuous experience, and you will likely be sore and in pain.  You will be trying to figure out how to care for this new tiny human in your life.  And on top of all of this, you have an anxiety disorder that will likely make juggling all of this even more difficult.  Why are you turning down an offer to help you with this transition?  You don't get a medal for doing this all on your own.  There's no prize for turning down help, and and accepting it doesn't mean that you're a lesser wife or lesser mother.  You will not bond with your baby less if you let your MIL do a load of laundry or drop off dinner.  In fact, you will probably be able to bond with your baby MORE, because you will be better rested and nourished and thus better able to attend to her needs.

    I get that you want plenty of alone time to bond with your baby.  It's totally reasonable to not want a house full of family the entire first week that you are home.  And limiting (LIMITING, not banning) visitors, including family members, is totally fine.  But your position sounds a little extreme to me, and frankly it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a very difficult first few days.

    And regarding the favoritism you seem to be showing your mother--please, PLEASE be sensitive to this.  My mother is on the "lesser grandparent" end with my nephew, and it kills me to hear the hurt in her voice when she talks about how hard she has to try to get time in with her grandson.  She's very careful not to be too pushy about it, but it's difficult for her when newphew's parents always seem to run to the other grandparents first and the allocation of time is so unequal.  Don't do that to your FI's family.
    To the bolded, I don't think I am showing my mother any favoritism.  My parents are being told the exact same thing, the difference is that my parents are listening to what I want and MIL and SIL aren't, whereas FIL is just going with the flow trying not to upset anyone.  He's Switzerland and just keeps telling us whatever we want, he will try to make happen.  Are you saying because my mom will be with us at the first doctor's appointment that it shows favoritism?  I don't think her meeting us there and leaving afterwards implies that.

    I would never shut anyone out and show favoritism.  In fact, if we ever need anything, its actually his parents we call because they are closer to us.  Both of parents don't work, which is why my mom is driving up everyday to watch the baby to save us the cost of childcare.  His mom still works and his dad is retired, but works on the side, and also has an older sick dog at home that can't be by himself for too long, otherwise his dad would be watching the baby as well, splitting days with my parents.  The dog can't come to our apartment because our landlord has a strict no pets policy.

    So again, I don't see how I am implying favoritism.
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  • ohmrs2014 said:
    ohmrs2014 said:

    I would never do anything to cut any grandparent out and my MIL could very well be feeling like that.  But it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first.  

    And the way I worded the no visitors for a week was more like "I would prefer to bond and such on our own with no outside interference, but things may change.  For right now, this is what I  want."  My parents weren't too happy, but they understood because when I was first born they had visitors that first week and it drove them crazy so with my sister, they learned and basically did what I would like to do.  His mom and sister were so upset, but DH agrees with me on this.  Right now, there is a little bit of an understanding that if anyone comes to visit, I will be the sole one to be with baby.  His mom looks at it more like, if there's laundry I'll come grab it, if you need dinner, I'll bring it or cook it, which is great, but these are also things I would like to try to manage on my own while taking care of a baby.  But I would never "ban" either set of grandparents.  Its just what I would prefer right now.  

    My MIL during wedding planning had the mindset of "what you want or need, let us know and we will help" which was great because it was my parents that were the overbearing, I can't deal with them right now.  It seems now the tables have turned.

    So your mother in law is offering free food and housecleaning while you're recovering from childbirth, and you're rejecting that offer?

    I'm sorry.  I will never understand this mentality.  I get that you want to manage things on your own.  But you will have years to do that, and the vast majority of that time you will not be managing a major life transition while simultaneously recovering from an incredibly physically and emotionally strenuous experience.  Your IL's family is offering you help.  You will more than likely need it.  This is what family is for.  Accept it.

    After this baby is born, you will be sleep deprived.  There will be all sorts of crazy things going on with your hormones.  You may or may not be recovering from major surgery depending on whether you have a c-section, and even if you aren't, physically you will be recovering from an extremely strenuous experience, and you will likely be sore and in pain.  You will be trying to figure out how to care for this new tiny human in your life.  And on top of all of this, you have an anxiety disorder that will likely make juggling all of this even more difficult.  Why are you turning down an offer to help you with this transition?  You don't get a medal for doing this all on your own.  There's no prize for turning down help, and and accepting it doesn't mean that you're a lesser wife or lesser mother.  You will not bond with your baby less if you let your MIL do a load of laundry or drop off dinner.  In fact, you will probably be able to bond with your baby MORE, because you will be better rested and nourished and thus better able to attend to her needs.

    I get that you want plenty of alone time to bond with your baby.  It's totally reasonable to not want a house full of family the entire first week that you are home.  And limiting (LIMITING, not banning) visitors, including family members, is totally fine.  But your position sounds a little extreme to me, and frankly it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a very difficult first few days.

    And regarding the favoritism you seem to be showing your mother--please, PLEASE be sensitive to this.  My mother is on the "lesser grandparent" end with my nephew, and it kills me to hear the hurt in her voice when she talks about how hard she has to try to get time in with her grandson.  She's very careful not to be too pushy about it, but it's difficult for her when newphew's parents always seem to run to the other grandparents first and the allocation of time is so unequal.  Don't do that to your FI's family.
    To the bolded, I don't think I am showing my mother any favoritism.  My parents are being told the exact same thing, the difference is that my parents are listening to what I want and MIL and SIL aren't, whereas FIL is just going with the flow trying not to upset anyone.  He's Switzerland and just keeps telling us whatever we want, he will try to make happen.  Are you saying because my mom will be with us at the first doctor's appointment that it shows favoritism?  I don't think her meeting us there and leaving afterwards implies that.

    I would never shut anyone out and show favoritism.  In fact, if we ever need anything, its actually his parents we call because they are closer to us.  Both of parents don't work, which is why my mom is driving up everyday to watch the baby to save us the cost of childcare.  His mom still works and his dad is retired, but works on the side, and also has an older sick dog at home that can't be by himself for too long, otherwise his dad would be watching the baby as well, splitting days with my parents.  The dog can't come to our apartment because our landlord has a strict no pets policy.

    So again, I don't see how I am implying favoritism.

    You said in your post "[b]ut it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first."  I'm simply suggesting that you be aware of that tendency and make an effort to make sure that both grandparents feel included in your child's life.  I don't think there's anything wrong necessarily with having your mother at the first doctor's appointment.  But there are going to be a lot of "firsts" in your child's life--first birthday, first holidays, etc. etc.  Especially if your mother is already getting a ton more time with your child because she's taking care of her on a daily basis, I'd be really careful about favoring your parents when those firsts happen.
  • banana468 said:





    Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all?

    You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.

    Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait.  That is not unkind.  There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.

    Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat.  And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that.  I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.  

    I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship.  My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.


    Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.

    More and more are becoming stricter.   Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies.   They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM.   I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.   

    Birthing can just be a rough process.   They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours.   Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.

    That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all.   But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.

    If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door. 




    Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it.


    And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
  • ohmrs2014 said:
    ohmrs2014 said:

    I would never do anything to cut any grandparent out and my MIL could very well be feeling like that.  But it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first.  

    And the way I worded the no visitors for a week was more like "I would prefer to bond and such on our own with no outside interference, but things may change.  For right now, this is what I  want."  My parents weren't too happy, but they understood because when I was first born they had visitors that first week and it drove them crazy so with my sister, they learned and basically did what I would like to do.  His mom and sister were so upset, but DH agrees with me on this.  Right now, there is a little bit of an understanding that if anyone comes to visit, I will be the sole one to be with baby.  His mom looks at it more like, if there's laundry I'll come grab it, if you need dinner, I'll bring it or cook it, which is great, but these are also things I would like to try to manage on my own while taking care of a baby.  But I would never "ban" either set of grandparents.  Its just what I would prefer right now.  

    My MIL during wedding planning had the mindset of "what you want or need, let us know and we will help" which was great because it was my parents that were the overbearing, I can't deal with them right now.  It seems now the tables have turned.

    So your mother in law is offering free food and housecleaning while you're recovering from childbirth, and you're rejecting that offer?

    I'm sorry.  I will never understand this mentality.  I get that you want to manage things on your own.  But you will have years to do that, and the vast majority of that time you will not be managing a major life transition while simultaneously recovering from an incredibly physically and emotionally strenuous experience.  Your IL's family is offering you help.  You will more than likely need it.  This is what family is for.  Accept it.

    After this baby is born, you will be sleep deprived.  There will be all sorts of crazy things going on with your hormones.  You may or may not be recovering from major surgery depending on whether you have a c-section, and even if you aren't, physically you will be recovering from an extremely strenuous experience, and you will likely be sore and in pain.  You will be trying to figure out how to care for this new tiny human in your life.  And on top of all of this, you have an anxiety disorder that will likely make juggling all of this even more difficult.  Why are you turning down an offer to help you with this transition?  You don't get a medal for doing this all on your own.  There's no prize for turning down help, and and accepting it doesn't mean that you're a lesser wife or lesser mother.  You will not bond with your baby less if you let your MIL do a load of laundry or drop off dinner.  In fact, you will probably be able to bond with your baby MORE, because you will be better rested and nourished and thus better able to attend to her needs.

    I get that you want plenty of alone time to bond with your baby.  It's totally reasonable to not want a house full of family the entire first week that you are home.  And limiting (LIMITING, not banning) visitors, including family members, is totally fine.  But your position sounds a little extreme to me, and frankly it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a very difficult first few days.

    And regarding the favoritism you seem to be showing your mother--please, PLEASE be sensitive to this.  My mother is on the "lesser grandparent" end with my nephew, and it kills me to hear the hurt in her voice when she talks about how hard she has to try to get time in with her grandson.  She's very careful not to be too pushy about it, but it's difficult for her when newphew's parents always seem to run to the other grandparents first and the allocation of time is so unequal.  Don't do that to your FI's family.
    To the bolded, I don't think I am showing my mother any favoritism.  My parents are being told the exact same thing, the difference is that my parents are listening to what I want and MIL and SIL aren't, whereas FIL is just going with the flow trying not to upset anyone.  He's Switzerland and just keeps telling us whatever we want, he will try to make happen.  Are you saying because my mom will be with us at the first doctor's appointment that it shows favoritism?  I don't think her meeting us there and leaving afterwards implies that.

    I would never shut anyone out and show favoritism.  In fact, if we ever need anything, its actually his parents we call because they are closer to us.  Both of parents don't work, which is why my mom is driving up everyday to watch the baby to save us the cost of childcare.  His mom still works and his dad is retired, but works on the side, and also has an older sick dog at home that can't be by himself for too long, otherwise his dad would be watching the baby as well, splitting days with my parents.  The dog can't come to our apartment because our landlord has a strict no pets policy.

    So again, I don't see how I am implying favoritism.

    You said in your post "[b]ut it is true, as a female, I tend to run to my parents first."  I'm simply suggesting that you be aware of that tendency and make an effort to make sure that both grandparents feel included in your child's life.  I don't think there's anything wrong necessarily with having your mother at the first doctor's appointment.  But there are going to be a lot of "firsts" in your child's life--first birthday, first holidays, etc. etc.  Especially if your mother is already getting a ton more time with your child because she's taking care of her on a daily basis, I'd be really careful about favoring your parents when those firsts happen.
    Oh.  Gotcha.  I can see how that statement (bolded) can be taken that way.  Luckily with the holidays, we are pretty good at splitting them.  We usually rotate lunch and dinners each year for Thanksgiving.  My ILs do a huge brunch for Xmas and my parents do a huge dinner for Xmas, so hopefully we can still continue that going forward.  I know this year for Xmas, everyone wants to come to us so we don't have to travel all day with a potential one month old, which works better for us.  Thanksgiving for DH and I will depend on labor this year since that's my actual due date.  If I'm home, I was honestly going to order for us and not travel that day (DH is on board with this, his idea actually, to keep me comfy on the couch and not in a car all day).      
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  • Wait, so now you're saying if the baby is born in the evening they might just have to go home without seeing it at all? You can phrase that however you want, just like you can quibble over whether telling them your preference now is to try and bond with your baby while doing all the household stuff with no help is banning them or not but I just think you're being unreasonable and unkind to them.
    Most maternity wards have visiting hours, so I think she is saying if the baby is born outside or near the ending of those hours, the rest of the family has to wait.  That is not unkind.  There are so many variables to childbirth that she should be able to say "I may want and need my space," and if that means after heaven forbid a day or two of laboring and the baby comes at 11pm, the extended family won't meet baby until the morning than so be it.

    Maybe it's because the thought of having a child terrifies me, but I have the utmost respect for what women go through in that time and I think at the end of the day the birthing mothers comfort and needs to be front and center and everyone can take a back seat.  And if that means Lil Johnny is 8 hours old when Grandma meets him, then she should accept that and be happy with that.  I think pushing your wants to meet the baby ahead of the mothers comfort is what is unreasonable and cruel.  

    I agree that she'll likely appreciate help the first week, but that again depends on the relationship.  My sister was basically topless the first 7-10 days as she attempted breastfeeding LOL.
    Most hospitals actually don't. If you want grandparents to see the baby, they can. If the birthing mother has anxiety issues for which she desperately needs treatment, I think it's really a bad idea to just continue bending over backwards to feed her anxiety at the expense of normal relationships.
    More and more are becoming stricter.   Between the birth of DD and DS, the hospital I used updated their policies.   They implemented quiet hours in the middle of the day and visiting hours ended at 8 PM.   I was also only allowed two people to be in the room with me at all times and DH was one of the two.   

    Birthing can just be a rough process.   They don't go easily all the time and they can be nerve wracking for the mother to wonder why she hasn't progressed beyond 7 cm in 3 hours.   Having people hovering over you saying, "We're just checking in to see how you're doing," doesn't help matters.

    That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for grandparents at all.   But the grandparents need to understand that the parents are setting the guidelines for the hospital portion and those guidelines should be respected.

    If you think it's fine to stand in the waiting room sticking your head in for updates repeatedly why not practice the next time you want to make a bowel movement and ask your DH to keep sticking his head in the bathroom door. 
    Huh? I don't think this at all. I am fully supportive of just not telling them you are even in labor. But I think once the baby is born, you should let them see it. And it is CLEARLY favoritism for your mother to get to see the baby the first week and his not. I don't care what the reasons are for the favoritism, and you certainly have lots of them, but sitting there and saying you just don't even understand how anyone could possibly view it that way? That's absurd.
    I think I've stated the opposite, reasons why its not favoritism.  And if you read my previous post regarding the doctor visit, that wasn't my suggestion.  I was going to set up a meet and greet with the doctor before the baby arrived so that my mom could meet her, which I would have done the same if I was hiring a nanny or if it was his parents watching the baby.  It was DHs idea for my mom to accompany us to the doctor for her first visit, which was something I never thought about, but figured, why not, which I'm sure he would have suggested if it was any other person watching the baby when I return to work.  So if anything, your implying that DH is showing favoritism to my parents, not myself.
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