Wedding Etiquette Forum

HUGE dilemma--UNINVITING people...

Hi! 

I am new to this website, but I am looking for guidance and support with a dilemma that I am in.
My fiance' & I decided to have a destination wedding in Portland, OR. Most of our family, live in CA. For personal reasons we wanted to have a small intimate family & adult only event. NO kids & NO friends. 

Our deadline to RSVP was Sept 13. We were expecting about 20 but to our surprise 30 did RSVP. Now a couple weeks later, I am getting random RSVPs from people I don't know at all! Here is what happened...

Since we are a couple on a low budget, my mother offered to make the invitations for us. We gave her a list of the guests to invite. Unfortunately, she decided to invite some family "friends" (who neither of us have ever met) without our okay. She knew we wanted a small intimate wedding... 

My mother & I got into a huge argument about this. (We are actually still fighting.) She is calling me cruel, mean, selfish, & a 'Bridezilla' for not letting everyone come who wants to and that it would be the worst possible thing ever to uninvite someone. Her argument is that family members who "offered" to help pay for a part of the wedding deserve to have their friends come... We are paying for most of the wedding, but our families did help pitch in. The bottom line is, we wish to keep it intimate, and so I told her that was not OK to invite people without my consent. 

I have already had to uninvite one couple to our wedding. I apologized, and told them that 1. The RSVP deadline was a couple of weeks ago. 2. They 'accidentally' received the wrong invite (even though my mother sent it to them on purpose) 3. they will be getting the correct invite in the future for our 2nd wedding reception in California. It was very embarrassing, and hard to do. I was very apologetic. The couple said it was OK and that they would attend the 2nd reception in CA.

With that over with, I just received ANOTHER email from a random family friend about the wedding... I am not sure how much I can take this. My mother is threatening me that she will not attend the wedding because of this. We simply cannot afford to have friends show up to this wedding and we wanted it to be intimate. UGH! 

Any advice on how to handle this situation would be much appreciated :) 
Thank you!!!  

Re: HUGE dilemma--UNINVITING people...

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2015
    Hi! 

    I am new to this website, but I am looking for guidance and support with a dilemma that I am in.
    My fiance' & I decided to have a destination wedding in Portland, OR. Most of our family, live in CA. For personal reasons we wanted to have a small intimate family & adult only event. NO kids & NO friends. 

    Our deadline to RSVP was Sept 13. We were expecting about 20 but to our surprise 30 did RSVP. Now a couple weeks later, I am getting random RSVPs from people I don't know at all! Here is what happened...

    Since we are a couple on a low budget, my mother offered to make the invitations for us. We gave her a list of the guests to invite. Unfortunately, she decided to invite some family "friends" (who neither of us have ever met) without our okay. She knew we wanted a small intimate wedding... 

    My mother & I got into a huge argument about this. (We are actually still fighting.) She is calling me cruel, mean, selfish, & a 'Bridezilla' for not letting everyone come who wants to and that it would be the worst possible thing ever to uninvite someone. Her argument is that family members who "offered" to help pay for a part of the wedding deserve to have their friends come... We are paying for most of the wedding, but our families did help pitch in. The bottom line is, we wish to keep it intimate, and so I told her that was not OK to invite people without my consent. 

    I have already had to uninvite one couple to our wedding. I apologized, and told them that 1. The RSVP deadline was a couple of weeks ago. 2. They 'accidentally' received the wrong invite (even though my mother sent it to them on purpose) 3. they will be getting the correct invite in the future for our 2nd wedding reception in California. It was very embarrassing, and hard to do. I was very apologetic. The couple said it was OK and that they would attend the 2nd reception in CA.

    With that over with, I just received ANOTHER email from a random family friend about the wedding... I am not sure how much I can take this. My mother is threatening me that she will not attend the wedding because of this. We simply cannot afford to have friends show up to this wedding and we wanted it to be intimate. UGH! 

    Any advice on how to handle this situation would be much appreciated :) 
    Thank you!!!  

    You won't be having a "second reception" in California because there is only one "wedding reception" - the one that immediately follows your wedding at the destination.  Your "reception" is a thank-you to those who actually attend the wedding.  This second event should be billed as a "celebration."'

    Beyond that, when you accept money from a third party, it comes with strings attached.  They that pay get a say, including in your guest list.  As @aurianna notes above, you can either accept the extra guests, or you can make clear to your mom that she will have to uninvite them because you won't be accommodating them at the destination wedding.  But because you accepted your mother's help and money, you are probably stuck accepting her extra guests.  If so, just indicate that from this point out, the guest list is closed, and calling you "selfish" or "bridezilla" isn't going to change that.

  • You said family members 'offered' money for the wedding. Just to clarify - did you accept that money? If you did you're going to have to find a way to make it work. Cancel that second 'reception' that you were planning and use all your budget toward your wedding.

    If you didn't accept money from your family, tell mom that she should call those people she added to he list and tell them that they are not invited to the wedding. Otherwise, it's going to be very embarrassing for her when they are turned away at the door.

    Either way, your mom was very sneaky in the way she did handled this.

    Only other option - cancel the destination wedding and get married at the second party so everyone can attend. Of course that isn't a fair option if guests have paid for flights or booked non refundable lodging.

                       
  • How much money were you given by other family members?  Did their contribution go towards something specific?  Depending on their contribution, you either need to accept the extra guests or tell your mother that she needs to uninvite those people.  

    As outlined by PP, you need to make it clear to your mom that the extras will not have a place to sit, a meal to eat, and will be removed from the venue.  Tell her that she will be the one who looks bad.

    If your mom won't uninvite the guests, you need to call them and blame it on your mom.  "Sally, hi it's Rach, I'm sorry to tell you that my mom inadvertently sent you the wrong invitation.  We are unable to accommodate you at the wedding in Portland.  I apologize and hope you can forgive me for this mistake."

    Also, if your mom is refusing to attend the wedding, call her bluff.  Tell her that she will be missed.  Tell her that she got herself into this mess by inviting guests without your approval.  Again, all this depends on what family members' money was being used for.
  • I agree with the PPs and just wanted to add that if your username is your real first and last name you should consider changing it to something more obscure. Good luck!
    image
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    How much money were you given by other family members?  Did their contribution go towards something specific?  Depending on their contribution, you either need to accept the extra guests or tell your mother that she needs to uninvite those people.  

    As outlined by PP, you need to make it clear to your mom that the extras will not have a place to sit, a meal to eat, and will be removed from the venue.  Tell her that she will be the one who looks bad.

    If your mom won't uninvite the guests, you need to call them and blame it on your mom.  "Sally, hi it's Rach, I'm sorry to tell you that my mom inadvertently sent you the wrong invitation.  We are unable to accommodate you at the wedding in Portland.  I apologize and hope you can forgive me for this mistake."

    Also, if your mom is refusing to attend the wedding, call her bluff.  Tell her that she will be missed.  Tell her that she got herself into this mess by inviting guests without your approval.  Again, all this depends on what family members' money was being used for.

    I agree, especially with the part about calling your mother's bluff.

    Usually, if you accept money, you also accept strings. However, it's never ok for someone to manipulate you like this. Your mother should have been up front with you and told you her list, or talked to you after she saw the list.

    How much did she give you? Was it just that she made & sent the invitations, or did she give you cash as well? Be prepared to give back the money or pay for the printing & postage costs if she makes this a sticking point. Let her know that now that she's revealed the strings that came with her offer, you can't accept it.

    Additionally, it's ok to have a party celebrating your wedding when you get home, as long as you're not recreating the ceremony, cake cutting, etc. Just don't call it a reception because of the reasons PPs gave - call it a celebration of your recent marriage or something like that in the invitations.


    Edited for spaces.
  • Three options:
    1. Cancel everything, give whatever money you received back, and elope.
    2. Return all the money and get married with immediately family only. No CA consolation prize party later.
    3. Have one big event with everyone invited, presumably the one everyone already got the invitation to in OR. No second consolation prize party later.

    I think option one will be unnecessarily punishing your FI and his family, so I'd probably go with option two.
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  • Did your mother put the money she gave you towards something specific, like lets say flowers, or did she just give it to you to help out?  That will make a big difference.

    But I agree with everyone else, those are really your only options.
    Anniversary



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  • 1) With money comes strings.  There is no such thing as a free lunch!  Either you cancel and elope, giving all money back, or you learn to wrap your head around the extra guests. 

    2) You only get one wedding/reception..

    3) Unless your venue has size restrictions and you don't have any place to put these people, given you accepted money to pay for said event from people...  Cake & Punch is still an option. Even if people RSVP'd a meal choice, your group is small enough to get word out that is the case or scale back the meal to what you can afford for that number of guests. 

    4) Going forward, there are times to delegate and times not to. You chose the wrong detail to delegate!  It's one thing if someone helps you get them ready, it's another for them to do the physical sending of the invitations without having checked their work.  There is no good way to tell people who've most likely already paid for travel (if they need to fly) "You're not invited".  No matter how much it angers you, that ship has sailed.  Unless you've got an air-tight reason other than "It's MY DAY!", your best bet is roll with it or cancel.

  • MesmrEwe said:

    1) With money comes strings.  There is no such thing as a free lunch!  Either you cancel and elope, giving all money back, or you learn to wrap your head around the extra guests. 

    2) You only get one wedding/reception..

    3) Unless your venue has size restrictions and you don't have any place to put these people, given you accepted money to pay for said event from people...  Cake & Punch is still an option. Even if people RSVP'd a meal choice, your group is small enough to get word out that is the case or scale back the meal to what you can afford for that number of guests. 

    4) Going forward, there are times to delegate and times not to. You chose the wrong detail to delegate!  It's one thing if someone helps you get them ready, it's another for them to do the physical sending of the invitations without having checked their work.  There is no good way to tell people who've most likely already paid for travel (if they need to fly) "You're not invited".  No matter how much it angers you, that ship has sailed.  Unless you've got an air-tight reason other than "It's MY DAY!", your best bet is roll with it or cancel.


    She can only do #3 if the wedding isn't at a meal time.
    This would also cause some logistics issues.
    That might mean making the wedding early or later. Doing either of those things could mess up with guests flights/travel plans. Also hotel check-in times.
    Also, while not world ending, it's unfortunate to bait & switch like that. If I RSVPd for a wedding, selected steak, bought plane tickets, and then found out we were just getting cake instead... I probably wouldn't change anything and still go but I'd possibly be annoyed and definitely wonder what went wrong in the planning.
  • I don't think you should cancel, so I disagree with that option from PPs. I think it's really stupid that she invited people without clearing it with you first, that's just not okay money involved or not.

    What I do think you should do is say "mom, I'm sorry if there was any misunderstanding. Unfortunately our budget, even with the extra help from family, will not accommodate the extra guests you invited. Please either let them know they're not invited but are more than welcome to attend our celebration (not 2nd reception) next month in CA, or provide me with the extra costs so we can accommodate them."

    If she still says she won't show up, say "I'm really sorry to hear that. Let me know if you change your mind. You will be missed."

    Chances are she'll come to her senses, and attend her daughters wedding.
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