Family Drama

Knottie77960286

So our families are full of drama, I mean some serious crazy drama which is really making it hard creating a guest list for our wedding. First off, my mom has basically disowned me numerous time and she has expressed many times how she has regretted even giving birth to me, even though I have absolutely done nothing to her. We now hardly even talk, but my grandmother expects her to be invited, but I'm struggling with letting her come because I really do not want to share that special day with someone who has shown that she really doesn't care about my happiness much less even being around me. I hope I don't sound like a heartless person, but y'all have no clue at what all she has done to me throughout the years. Secondly, my fiancé's father and his wife are extremely rude toward me and hardly even acknowledge me anymore after they made up this big lie just to start drama. His father is also extremely mean to him sometimes, but at other times he's fine. His parents went through a nasty divorce a few years back and there are still severe hard feelings and I fear that having everyone in a room together will be anything but peaceful. With all that being said I have no idea what to do. I don't want to be rude to anyone, but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice our wedding day going smoothly and just everyone being happy. I've tried to talk with my fiancé about the matter, but he seldom even acknowledges me when I bring up wedding details. We were actually planning on eloping, but I'm scared I might regret not having the wedding experience and having those who are close to us there when we get married.

JediElizabeth

I'm going to be honest: you glossed over so many details, it's hard to evaluate your situation.

However, it sounds like you have a lot of drama with people around you, and a lot of baggage with your family. If your fiancé doesn't even want to acknowledge the wedding, are you really ready to get married? Is HE ready?

You might want to look into a marriage counselor, who you could really divulge all this information to confidentially. As is, it's hard to say more than that.

justsie

Knottie77960286 said:

So our families are full of drama, I mean some serious crazy drama which is really making it hard creating a guest list for our wedding. First off, my mom has basically disowned me numerous time and she has expressed many times how she has regretted even giving birth to me, even though I have absolutely done nothing to her. We now hardly even talk, but my grandmother expects her to be invited, but I'm struggling with letting her come because I really do not want to share that special day with someone who has shown that she really doesn't care about my happiness much less even being around me. I hope I don't sound like a heartless person, but y'all have no clue at what all she has done to me throughout the years. Secondly, my fiancé's father and his wife are extremely rude toward me and hardly even acknowledge me anymore after they made up this big lie just to start drama. His father is also extremely mean to him sometimes, but at other times he's fine. His parents went through a nasty divorce a few years back and there are still severe hard feelings and I fear that having everyone in a room together will be anything but peaceful. With all that being said I have no idea what to do. I don't want to be rude to anyone, but at the same time I don't want to sacrifice our wedding day going smoothly and just everyone being happy. I've tried to talk with my fiancé about the matter, but he seldom even acknowledges me when I bring up wedding details. We were actually planning on eloping, but I'm scared I might regret not having the wedding experience and having those who are close to us there when we get married.

BOX

Pay for your own wedding, in full, and you only have to invite the people that your FI and you want to invite. Be great hosts to the people you two want to invite, and if your FI would like to invite his father and his wife, invite them. If you are concerned about adults not acting like adults then hire security to take care of it.

I agree with PP, you glossed over so much its hard to give you advice beyond the usual. I agree that marriage counseling should be on your to-do list.

Jen4948

Without more details, it's hard to give general advice, but: 1. They who pay get a say, but they who do not pay get no say in how your wedding goes. If your grandmother or FFILs are not paying, they get no say in the guest list or other details. But if you accept money from them, you'll have to give them a say. 2. Assuming you and your FI are paying for everything, it's not rude to omit your mother if you have no relationship with her. 3. If your FI wants to invite his father and stepmother, that should be up to him. 4. You are entitled to basic politeness and respect, and if there's a possibility that anyone at your wedding will create drama, I'd arrange for there to be security to remove them if necessary. 5. If your FI keeps refusing to acknowledge you, that's a huge red flag and I agree that you two may need counseling.

STARMOON44

Your fiancé seldom even acknowledges you when you bring up wedding stuff? You shouldn't be getting married. End of story.

redoryx

I have to agree with others about the big bright neon red flags your FI is waving. 

If he's acting this way when you bring up the wedding, what's he going to do after you're married and the really big stuff starts happening and needs to be discussed? 

Heffalump

Yeah, if party planning causes a complete communication breakdown with your FI, that's not healthy.

I see a lot of unhealthy relationships in this post, all the way around.  Honestly, I would deal with that, and put anything wedding-related on the back burner for now.

I could tell you not to invite your mom and bean dip your grandmother over it, but that would be like telling someone whose pants are on fire that they have something in their teeth.

delujm0

Jen4948 said:

Without more details, it's hard to give general advice, but: 1. They who pay get a say, but they who do not pay get no say in how your wedding goes. If your grandmother or FFILs are not paying, they get no say in the guest list or other details. But if you accept money from them, you'll have to give them a say. 2. Assuming you and your FI are paying for everything, it's not rude to omit your mother if you have no relationship with her. 3. If your FI wants to invite his father and stepmother, that should be up to him. 4. You are entitled to basic politeness and respect, and if there's a possibility that anyone at your wedding will create drama, I'd arrange for their to be security to remove them if necessary. 5. If your FI keeps refusing to acknowledge you, that's a huge red flag and I agree that you two may need counseling.

All of this, word for word.

simcal18

First work out the communications issues between you and your FI.  You shouldn't be getting married until you two know how to work through difficult issues.  Then you can focus on the wedding.

Does he shut down when you bring up the wedding because he is avoiding dealing with all of this family drama?  Frankly you two sound like excellent candidates for elopement.  

MesmrEwe

1) Premarital counseling!!!  It's cheaper than a divorce!  There are Marriage & Family counselors in your area.  Quite honestly, if you're open to it, the Catholic church has this one of the most rigorous and detailed programs nailed even if you have ZERO intentions of ever being married in a Catholic church and wonder if lightening will strike, many parishes still offer the service to those not of the faith to go through (things like marital responsibilities, all things finances, children, what happens when your roles reverse, growing old, expectations of eachother in the marriage, etc.).  The reason being, both of you are coming from, what comes across in your post, as being incredibly unhealthy (BSC) family relationships.  The red flags are flying NASCAR style in just the little bit you posted, especially in regard to your FI's responses, signal counseling before you even THINK of eloping..

2) After completing #1 with someone who's incredibly qualified to help you two both navigate this thing called marriage, really, it sounds like eloping is your best option, and I don't say that lightly!

ryanandjoe4

MesmrEwe We went through this and although we thought that we communicated well, and didn't have many issues with each other, we discovered a few issues that we were not clear on. My FI is the one that was in the Catholic church, and the "marriage test" and counseling with the Priest, then the Pre-Cana I think any couple getting married can benefit from this. There is a another poster on here that did a class to get the wait period for the certificate waived.

downtondiva

OP, planning a wedding is the least of your problems right now. You need to know why your FI is shutting down when you mention anything about the wedding - is it because he can't deal with the drama in your families? Does he not feel ready to get married? As PP's have said, you guys need to go for some counseling together before you can go any further with planning your wedding, because you have some serious communication issues you need to work out. If it's feasible, you guys may also want to consider individual counseling to help you deal with your family issues. All of this could help you guys figure out whether you want these family members at your wedding or in your lives at all.

Once you are ready to get married, you'll need either to elope or to plan a wedding that you can afford 100% on your own, so nobody else has any say over the guest list.

AddieCake

Get on the same page in your relationship before you continue wedding planning.

JediElizabeth

downtondiva said:

OP, planning a wedding is the least of your problems right now. You need to know why your FI is shutting down when you mention anything about the wedding - is it because he can't deal with the drama in your families? Does he not feel ready to get married? As PP's have said, you guys need to go for some counseling together before you can go any further with planning your wedding, because you have some serious communication issues you need to work out. If it's feasible, you guys may also want to consider individual counseling to help you deal with your family issues. All of this could help you guys figure out whether you want these family members at your wedding or in your lives at all.

Once you are ready to get married, you'll need either to elope or to plan a wedding that you can afford 100% on your own, so nobody else has any say over the guest list.

I forgot to include the bolded in my first post, but it's so true. There's no one on the planet who couldn't gain something from counseling, and even the most well-adjusted of us can manage BSC families far better when we have someone impartial to work through all the drama with. (I know from experience.)