Two Questions...

Knottie20899821

The First Scenario:

My fiance and I are graduating from college will our bachelors degree in May. We are the first generation in both of our families to graduate. We are also getting married in early July. With our wedding so close to our graduation, is there a good way to ask that people do not gift us anything for graduation and instead wait until the wedding? I just don't know if I can handle being in the last month before our wedding and having to write dozens of thank-you cards. Not to mention the cards for wedding gifts. (I am very happy to write thank-you's, it's just a lot all at once)

The Second Scenario: 

When we get married, we will have lived together for 3+ years, and like many other knotties, we just don't need anymore 'stuff'. Our wedding website is independent (weebly) and we are thinking about adding a page about our honeymoon so that 1. We don't need to answer the "where are you honeymooning?" question hundreds of times, and 2. so that our family can really feel involved in our wedding. We both come from very non-traditional families and I am not concerned with honeymoon-related items being considered trashy. Obviously, I will not be adding "Couples Massage" or "Honeymoon Lingerie" to the list (let's be honest that's just SUPER weird). But I was considering listing bonus items that people could contribute to (we're going to Alaska, so "Sled Dog Experience", "Wildlife Tour", etc.) and setting up a "Honeymoon" box at the wedding for people to put cash and checks into (in envelopes with names, of course) to avoid any online fees and so we can thank everyone in person on our wedding day. We will be setting up a small registry with items like new sheets, but I really want people to feel like they are giving us something more valuable than money if they decide to gift. When I give gifts, I hate feeling like, "here's some cash" and I would prefer to say, "hey, here's a nice dinner on me". I would like to send Thank-You's with pictures from the trip (if they wanted it to be for a sled dog experience, I would send them pictures of us doing that). I would also put up all the pictures from the trip on our website for people to check out. So the question is, what do you think about this idea? Do you think there are ways it could be improved?

Thank you!

knottie93f96a98e60cf4f2

I'm not an etiquette expert, but I'm pretty sure you're not gonna be happy with the responses you get here. I don't think there is any way to politely mention gifts, as it would insinuate you are expecting gifts and come off as "gift grabby".

And honey funds are also considered rude.

Is it really that terrible that you'll be so blessed with gifts from family and friends that you'll have to write thank you notes for two occations?

CMGragain

1.  Mentioning gifts in any way is rude.  Don't do it.
2.  Honeymoon funds or boxes are considered to be rude by many people, myself included.  The Honeymoon Box idea is one of the worst ideas I have heard in a long time, and I guarantee it will offend a lot of your guests.  You would have to be insane to do this!  No! No! No!
3.  If you don't register for gifts, or have a very small registry, people will tend to give you cash to use as you like.  If someone asks you about gifts, it is OK to say, "Well, you know we are saving for the honeymoon," but ONLY if they ask you.
4.  Thank you notes need to be sent for each and every gift, regardless of the occasion.  They should be sent out as soon as possible after the honeymoon for wedding gifts.

CMGragain

Knottie20899821 said:

The First Scenario:

My fiance and I are graduating from college will our bachelors degree in May. We are the first generation in both of our families to graduate. We are also getting married in early July. With our wedding so close to our graduation, is there a good way to ask that people do not gift us anything for graduation and instead wait until the wedding? I just don't know if I can handle being in the last month before our wedding and having to write dozens of thank-you cards. Not to mention the cards for wedding gifts. (I am very happy to write thank-you's, it's just a lot all at once)

The Second Scenario: 

When we get married, we will have lived together for 3+ years, and like many other knotties, we just don't need anymore 'stuff'. Our wedding website is independent (weebly) and we are thinking about adding a page about our honeymoon so that 1. We don't need to answer the "where are you honeymooning?" question hundreds of times, and 2. so that our family can really feel involved in our wedding. We both come from very non-traditional families and I am not concerned with honeymoon-related items being considered trashy. Obviously, I will not be adding "Couples Massage" or "Honeymoon Lingerie" to the list (let's be honest that's just SUPER weird). But I was considering listing bonus items that people could contribute to (we're going to Alaska, so "Sled Dog Experience", "Wildlife Tour", etc.) and setting up a "Honeymoon" box at the wedding for people to put cash and checks into (in envelopes with names, of course) to avoid any online fees and so we can thank everyone in person on our wedding day. We will be setting up a small registry with items like new sheets, but I really want people to feel like they are giving us something more valuable than money if they decide to gift. When I give gifts, I hate feeling like, "here's some cash" and I would prefer to say, "hey, here's a nice dinner on me". I would like to send Thank-You's with pictures from the trip (if they wanted it to be for a sled dog experience, I would send them pictures of us doing that). I would also put up all the pictures from the trip on our website for people to check out. So the question is, what do you think about this idea? Do you think there are ways it could be improved?

Thank you!

Oops!  I forgot!  OP, plan the honeymoon that you can afford.

kimmiinthemitten

First, congrats on graduating and being the first in your families!  Trust that your families are full of well intentioned adults who give gifts because they want to, and even though it's a hand sore, just write the notes:).  You'll forgot all about it a year from now.

Second, don't do the HoneyFund.  They're very deceptive to your guests.  A lot of Knotties here have had experiences being on the giving end of the HoneyFund and I think their experience speaks volumes as to why it's rude and different than gifting a toaster.

CMGragain

kimmiandkoley said:

First, congrats on graduating and being the first in your families!  Trust that your families are full of well intentioned adults who give gifts because they want to, and even though it's a hand sore, just write the notes:).  You'll forgot all about it a year from now.

Second, don't do the HoneyFund.  They're very deceptive to your guests.  A lot of Knotties here have had experiences being on the giving end of the HoneyFund and I think their experience speaks volumes as to why it's rude and different than gifting a toaster.

She's not doing a honeyfund.  She is planning to put out a "Honeymoon Box" at her reception to beg for money for her honeymoon.  Dollar Dance, anybody?

Knottie20899821

We don't have any issues affording our honeymoon, we work very hard and are fine financially. Would it be okay to just add a page about the honeymoon, mention nothing of gifts and include a small registry? No box at the reception. I would NEVER do a honeymoon registry (because of the fees and guest deception). I just feel like people usually want to give something other than cash, but we just don't need more stuff.

monkeysip

I don't see anything wrong with mentioning your honeymoon plans.  I very briefly mentioned our honeymoon plans on our wedding website (wasn't looking for money, just thought people might want to know).  

And then, of course, just word of mouth to people about saving up for your honeymoon should help.  And a small registry.

As for graduation, I understand you don't want to have to write the notes, but that's a pretty happy problem to have.  Let people decide for themselves whether they'd like to just save their money on a graduation gift and give you a nicer wedding gift.  There's just no tactful way to mention that to them!

Jen4948

Knottie20899821 said:

The First Scenario:

My fiance and I are graduating from college will our bachelors degree in May. We are the first generation in both of our families to graduate. We are also getting married in early July. With our wedding so close to our graduation, is there a good way to ask that people do not gift us anything for graduation and instead wait until the wedding? I just don't know if I can handle being in the last month before our wedding and having to write dozens of thank-you cards. Not to mention the cards for wedding gifts. (I am very happy to write thank-you's, it's just a lot all at once)

Yes, it's a lot all at once, but trying to pre-empt it in any way would come off as expecting gifts, which in turn comes off as rude and gift-grabby because nobody owes you any gifts. Regardless of the occasion, if someone sends you a gift, you owe them a thank-you note. Trying to control this by telling people not to give you gifts or otherwise restricting giving you gifts is inappropriate. You probably will only get wedding gifts from most people who would give you gifts anyway.

The Second Scenario: 

When we get married, we will have lived together for 3+ years, and like many other knotties, we just don't need anymore 'stuff'. Our wedding website is independent (weebly) and we are thinking about adding a page about our honeymoon so that 1. We don't need to answer the "where are you honeymooning?" question hundreds of times, and 2. so that our family can really feel involved in our wedding. We both come from very non-traditional families and I am not concerned with honeymoon-related items being considered trashy. Obviously, I will not be adding "Couples Massage" or "Honeymoon Lingerie" to the list (let's be honest that's just SUPER weird). But I was considering listing bonus items that people could contribute to (we're going to Alaska, so "Sled Dog Experience", "Wildlife Tour", etc.) and setting up a "Honeymoon" box at the wedding for people to put cash and checks into (in envelopes with names, of course) to avoid any online fees and so we can thank everyone in person on our wedding day. We will be setting up a small registry with items like new sheets, but I really want people to feel like they are giving us something more valuable than money if they decide to gift. When I give gifts, I hate feeling like, "here's some cash" and I would prefer to say, "hey, here's a nice dinner on me". I would like to send Thank-You's with pictures from the trip (if they wanted it to be for a sled dog experience, I would send them pictures of us doing that). I would also put up all the pictures from the trip on our website for people to check out. So the question is, what do you think about this idea? Do you think there are ways it could be improved?

Thank you!

You can describe your honeymoon on your website, but it's up to you and your FI to pay for it, not to expect people to "gift" it to you.

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie20899821 said:

We don't have any issues affording our honeymoon, we work very hard and are fine financially. Would it be okay to just add a page about the honeymoon, mention nothing of gifts and include a small registry? No box at the reception. I would NEVER do a honeymoon registry (because of the fees and guest deception). I just feel like people usually want to give something other than cash, but we just don't need more stuff.

Perfect!I think like @monkeyslip said a blip on the website is fine.  In my experience, people who want to give you gifts will, and people who want to gift cash will, regardless of a registry.  Keep in mind, often times the registry will help guide your guests to the color scheme and style of your home if they choose to buy off the registry as well.

lyndausvi

I do not what is so horrible about writing more than one thank you note in a short period of time.

I do not know what is wrong with people asking where you are going on your HM.

As a guest, I do not need to feel more involved in your wedding plans.  Being just a guest is good enough.   

Maybe it's just my social circle, but we give physical gifts for showers.  So if you do not need anything or can't upgrade anything decline a shower.   Weddings we give cash.  Have been for as long as I can remember (I've been going to wedding for a while now).   Giving you a check or giving you a check for a honeymoon isn't going to make me feel more involved.

I rarely go to a wedding website, so it would be lost on me anyway.

southernbelle0915

Question 1 --- I barely got any gifts for my college graduation. Just don't have a party and people will feel less inclined to give you stuff. Also, you could probably write 5 TY notes in the time it took you to write this post. Think of it that way.

Question 2 --- asking for cash in lieu of gifts is against etiquette. Reason: any mention of gifts is presumptuous and asking for cash is he rude cherry on top. People will ask you where you're registered. Just say "oh we aren't registered because we are saving up for our honeymoon." People get it. Just keep in mind if you don't need "stuff" and you don't register, then you forgo a shower.

jacques27

PP's pretty much have it covered.  Remember that gifts are never required for either of those occasions in the first place.  So mentioning them (or what you want specifically - cash) or when you would like to receive them is rude any which way you cut it.  And telling people you want cash and you want them to wait to give it you because it's easier for you to write thank you notes later just makes you come off as entitled and ungrateful.  There's just no good way to do it.

Plus, I think you are overestimating 1) just how frequently or how much outside of very immediate family give for graduations, and 2) just how "involved" people feel they need to be.  Your vacation sounds awesome.  But other than knowing where you are going and maybe being interested in seeing a few really spectacular pictures when you come back - that's the extent that most people, even those close to you will care.  They don't need to live vicariously through you by giving you $50 towards your sledding experience specifically.  The same is true of the wedding itself.  Most people are not that interested in the nitty gritty details or needing to feel involved in that.  They want to throw a gift your way and enjoy the party where you had to deal with the nitty gritty details. If they want to designate the gift towards something special (which is kind of rude in itself - once I give you $50, you're free to spend it anyway you please - if I really wanted you to only spend it on a special dinner or on a specific experience, I would have gotten you a gift certificate for that thing), then they'll tell you - you don't need to tell people in advance how you want to designate the money you're hoping they'll give you.

STARMOON44

Cash is plenty meaningful. I think you're worrying too much about all of this.

Liatris2010

Knottie20899821 said:

We don't have any issues affording our honeymoon, we work very hard and are fine financially. Would it be okay to just add a page about the honeymoon, mention nothing of gifts and include a small registry? No box at the reception. I would NEVER do a honeymoon registry (because of the fees and guest deception). I just feel like people usually want to give something other than cash, but we just don't need more stuff.

Yes to the bolded. If you don't want too many physical gifts or to write a lot of thank yous, skip graduation parties and bridal showers.

Heffalump

I once had a coworker who told her BF not to get her anything for Valentine's Day, and to put that money toward a buying her a "better" birthday gift.  (Her birthday was a few weeks later.)  As a result, she was single by V-Day, let alone her birthday.

There's really no way to try stage manage people's gifts to you without causing offense.  Accept anything you receive graciously, thank the giver, and enjoy.

Knottie20899821 said:

I just feel like people usually want to give something other than cash, but we just don't need more stuff.

The part about not giving cash has not been my experience, ever, but I don't know your circle, obv.  And as PP's have said, if you don't want physical gifts, then don't have a shower, easy peasy.

climbingsingle

You've already gotten good advice. Don't ever ask people for money, and don't ever have an expectation of receiving a gift. It's fine to mention your honeymoon plans, but nothing further (no "honeymoon box").

Writing thank you notes is not hard. If you commit to doing a few a day, you'll get it done quickly. My husband and I started our TY notes as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. We were done within a week, I believe. And make sure to send them out right away. I attended a wedding in May and still haven't received a TY, and I'm pretty annoyed. 

If you don't register, most people will understand that you'd prefer cash. We didn't register (no bridal shower either of course), and we didn't receive any boxed gifts at the wedding. 

delujm0

Knottie20899821 said:

We don't have any issues affording our honeymoon, we work very hard and are fine financially. Would it be okay to just add a page about the honeymoon, mention nothing of gifts and include a small registry? No box at the reception. I would NEVER do a honeymoon registry (because of the fees and guest deception). I just feel like people usually want to give something other than cash, but we just don't need more stuff.

We had a honeymoon page on our website, because we knew people would be asking us about it (I'm an avid traveler, so people were interested to know where we were going).  We stuck our itinerary on there, with hotels and commentary about the activities we were planning.  DH's family sometimes likes to find out where we are traveling and research restaurants in the area to give us gift cards for.  I did not want to ask anyone to do that (because it's totally unnecessary), but I figured if the information was out there and they felt like doing it, they could figure that out on their own.

 

No one gave us anything toward the honeymoon, but several people mentioned how fun our honeymoon looked and that they enjoyed reading about our plans on the website.  So I consider making that page time well spent (and bonus: we didn't have to explain our honeymoon to people over and over again at the wedding).

ScottishSarah

OP, don't you like getting gifts and talking about your honeymoon?  I do!

ShesSoCold

I didn't read the entire OP or most of the responses because I can't get over OP not being able to handle writing thank you cards? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Oh, you poor dear, OP. Must be so hard, thanking people properly for gifts. 

lembaslover

I think I got graduation gifts from like my parents and my grandma... you may be overestimating the amount of people who were going to give you a gift. If you say anything it'd seem like you were expecting one and that isn't ok. I'm sure people realize both graduation and wedding are close together and they know how to split up their gifts accordingly the way they want. Side note I think it's crazy how insane this country is about high school graduation where it seems like every single person has a party to college where I skipped the party part and was just happy to be done with it and have a good job to move on to.

If people know where you are honeymooning and want to gift you dinner instead of cash they can totally do that by either buying a gift card to a place or just writing in the card 'hope you have a great dinner at such and such a place here's something towards that!' Personally I love receiving cash and I don't understand why anyone has qualms of it being boring. I can get whatever I like with it so that's not boring at all to me. Unless I know the person really well or they have a registry I'm just bringing cash and I have no problems doing so.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

I do not what is so horrible about writing more than one thank you note in a short period of time.

I do not know what is wrong with people asking where you are going on your HM.

As a guest, I do not need to feel more involved in your wedding plans.  Being just a guest is good enough.   

Maybe it's just my social circle, but we give physical gifts for showers.  So if you do not need anything or can't upgrade anything decline a shower.   Weddings we give cash.  Have been for as long as I can remember (I've been going to wedding for a while now).   Giving you a check or giving you a check for a honeymoon isn't going to make me feel more involved.

I rarely go to a wedding website, so it would be lost on me anyway.

Pretend I wrote this.

julieanne912

Ditto all PP's but yeah... writing thank you notes is NOT hard, and the OPs attitude about them is why older people hate the younger generation a lot of the time.

I wrote 43 of them, H wrote 2.  Throughout the week I did like 5 per day, and then finished them on a weekend.  It's not difficult, and makes you sound like a total asshole for thinking that thanking someone for a GIFT they generously gave you is a pain in the ass. 

Knottie20899821

Sorry I didn't specifically clarify about the thank you's, but I have arthritis caused by autoimmune issues which flare up in times of stress. Not an excuse, it's just that I have a hard time doing handwritten things, which is where the main concern is. Especially knowing that the last month before a wedding is/can be very stressful. The letters after the honeymoon should be easy after 2 weeks of relaxation! I apologize for coming off as if I do not want to write them, because I really do, it's just quite difficult at times. But I think that you are all right in saying that many people will likely combine any gifts anyway or that not many people will be interested in giving graduation gifts. It is quite funny how celebrated high school graduations are compared to college! Also - we aren't planning a graduation party or shower (no desire to do either). Thank you for all the advice, ladies!

STARMOON44

Knottie20899821 said:

Sorry I didn't specifically clarify about the thank you's, but I have arthritis caused by autoimmune issues which flare up in times of stress. Not an excuse, it's just that I have a hard time doing handwritten things, which is where the main concern is. Especially knowing that the last month before a wedding is/can be very stressful. The letters after the honeymoon should be easy after 2 weeks of relaxation! I apologize for coming off as if I do not want to write them, because I really do, it's just quite difficult at times. But I think that you are all right in saying that many people will likely combine any gifts anyway or that not many people will be interested in giving graduation gifts. It is quite funny how celebrated high school graduations are compared to college! Also - we aren't planning a graduation party or shower (no desire to do either). Thank you for all the advice, ladies!

If you're physically incapable of handwriting thank you notes, it's totally fine to type them! Yes, handwriting is preferred, but if you just can't you can't.

jacques27

Knottie20899821 said:

Sorry I didn't specifically clarify about the thank you's, but I have arthritis caused by autoimmune issues which flare up in times of stress. Not an excuse, it's just that I have a hard time doing handwritten things, which is where the main concern is. Especially knowing that the last month before a wedding is/can be very stressful. The letters after the honeymoon should be easy after 2 weeks of relaxation! I apologize for coming off as if I do not want to write them, because I really do, it's just quite difficult at times. But I think that you are all right in saying that many people will likely combine any gifts anyway or that not many people will be interested in giving graduation gifts. It is quite funny how celebrated high school graduations are compared to college! Also - we aren't planning a graduation party or shower (no desire to do either). Thank you for all the advice, ladies!

It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of things. Just set aside 15 minutes to write a few everyday until you're done. And for the wedding gifts, you have someone to take half the workload when it comes to writing the thank you notes.

I think with graduation, since in the U.S. we almost universally celebrate high school graduation, it's almost a one and done thing. And since it almost always coincides with that age 18 entrance to adulthood, more people are likely to give gifts to get you started. I think since there are so many paths you can take from there and different ways and time frames to accomplish things after that, any subsequent celebration of educational accomplishments tends to be immediate family only and more symbolic gifts possibly related to your field (a briefcase or nice pen set, etc.), if any at all.

wink0erin

I agree with PP's.

On thank you notes, I find it easiest to make a list as things come in, keep notecards with me at all times and write whenever I have some free moments. I can't handwrite a lot at once either, and I don't like the idea of typing a thank you note, so I'll just write a couple at a time and cross them off the list as I go along. It's less daunting that way. No need to write a novel either.

You may be overestimating how people gift for college graduations. I think my parents and grandparents (maybe one or two aunts) sent me anything, and I have a pretty big family. It could be different since you are the first in the family though.

SP29

1. No, there is no way to do this. By saying, "Please put any gifts towards our wedding" would be rude, as that means you were expecting gifts in the first place, when gifts are never expected. 

I also did not really get any graduation gifts- flowers mainly and went out for a meal. 

It would be fine to type out TY notes if needed. 

2. You can mention your HM on a website, and even include a bit of information with pictures, but there should be no asking for contributions towards experiences.

No to the Honeymoon box- as that would be asking for cash, which is never appropriate.

If you receive cash as a gift, you are free to use that as you please. You could still write in your TY note that you used the money on your HM toward a dog sledding experience. 

If someone asks you can say you are saving up for a HM. And keep your registry small.

We had a large registry and we still received mostly cash gifts at our reception.