HELP! Sister-in-Law Advice

Knottie1435002966

I realize my backstory may be a little difficult to follow, but I need advice so here goes.  My fiancé John's half-sister, Anna is married to my sister, Karen.  I met John when he moved to the city to build a relationship with his father, who left when he was 2.  Fast forward 4 years, John and Anna HATE each other, the relationship with his father never grew into anything, and they do not speak to each other.  Needless to say, this has put a strain on the relationship between me and my sister Karen.  Karen supports her wife and barely speaks to me.  This has made my wedding planning very difficult.  I want to include my sister in my wedding activities.  I have plans that include my fiancé's other sisters and my other sisters and the problem is, I do not want to invite Anna.  She is a woman, but I don't want her to be with us on "Sister's Day" when we go dress shopping and have a spa day.  She and I aren't close, nor do I want her around.  My sister wants her to be involved because technically she is one of the "sisters," but my fiancé doesn't even want her to be at the wedding.  I'm sure my wedding will decide whether or not Karen and I will ever have a relationship going forward, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

One Big Happy Family

VarunaTT

I don't want to know the nitty gritty, but the relationship between FI and Anna....the reason they hate each other...is it manageable?  Like is this a personality or we both did wrong things but no one will admit it or family issues type thing?  Or like, someone has been physically assaulted type split?

*Barbie*

I agree, I think we need more information on why your FI and Anna don't get along, and why you and Anna don't get along. (Is this just a "stand by your man" thing, or do you have a personal reason not to like her?)

Knottie1435002966

All of the above, we've even had physical assaults.  In my heart, I don't believe that a reconciliation between John and Anna is in the clouds.  Their relationship is being managed by not speaking or seeing each other.  The root of their issues is that their shared father doesn't want anything to do with his son. 

Knottie1435002966

In a nutshell, Anna and Karen were having an affair, and I told my sister I didn't like it.  My sister eventually divorced and married Anna.  When I became friends with John, she hated me even more because if I couldn't like her, I didn't deserve to be friends with anyone in her family.  But he became my best friend and now, my husband.

VarunaTT

So, once you've had the physical assaults, it's fair to keep 2 people separated.

This is a truly nasty situation, and I'm sorry.  I think you're well w/in your rights to not invite Anna.  I wouldn't necessarily call things "Sister's Day" since that makes it so obvious, but relate it to wedding party events and since Anna isn't in either wedding party, that might be able to keep it split (I couldn't really tell if Karen was in the wedding party or not).

The wedding might be harder.  You're just going to have to suck it up and tell your sister that her wife isn't welcome at the wedding b/c of the fact that things turned physical between Anna and FI.  Until FI and Anna bridge the peace (and I wouldn't even mind telling Karen that, but it's not your job to bridge that peace and don't use the wedding like a UN Peace Summit), it's an unfortunate split.  And be prepared for her to refuse to attend, b/c you are talking about her wife...you'd refuse to attend if someone rejected your husband. 

ETA:  Also, I think it might behoove you to apologize to your sister re: her wife.  Sure, you didn't like it, you still don't have to.  However, they're married now and you're family.  I'd suck that up too.

MesmrEwe

The question is, you want to go shopping with your Sister, how do you not invite her wife...  Simple - "Sister, would you like to go dress shopping with me?"  "Is Anna invited" ... "No, just you and Mom." (no explanation - this is a permissible use of "bean dip" if necessary. 

As for the wedding - that's where it gets sticky because of the "plus-one"...  Where there is physical assault (you didn't specify who was at fault)..  IMO, you have a heart-to-heart in accepting things for what they are, not how you want them to be way, with your sister to find out what she thinks in a non-judgmental way because you both want to do a "Stand by your (wo)man" and yet let's face it, you want your sister by your side but yet you don't want unnecessary step-sibling rivalry to cause either one of you stress.  If they can both (FI/SS) behave civilly, then NBD, if not, then you and your sister need to come to a reasonable solution even if it means she's not there with you. 

*Barbie*

Knottie1435002966 said:

In a nutshell, Anna and Karen were having an affair, and I told my sister I didn't like it.  My sister eventually divorced and married Anna.  When I became friends with John, she hated me even more because if I couldn't like her, I didn't deserve to be friends with anyone in her family.  But he became my best friend and now, my husband.

DAMN.. SITB:

unless one of them was sleeping with you or your spouse/SO that wasn't any of your business. 

Knottie1435002966

I totally agree Barbie, it wasn't my business.  I only felt like it was because she asked me to move in with her to help her take care of her children while she went back to college.  Then she moved Anna in with us.  So it was me, my sister, her husband, her 3 children, and then her mistress.  I told her I didn't like it and moved out. 

I kinda agree with Veruna and Ewe.  I need to apologize to Anna and talk to Karen, I'll admit I'm scared, talking too much helped get me in this mess.  

Thanks for all of your input guys.  I'm pulling my hair out.

VarunaTT

I think you're going about this the best way you can, so kudos for that and for not doubling down on a bad situation.

As for the conversation with Anna and Karen, practice it.  You might even try writing it down.  Hell, I've written things down and then read what I wrote to someone before, just so I didn't fuck it up.  

I'd stick to a simple apology for the hurt that was caused and that you'd like to start working on repairing the relationship.  I'd avoid any mention of why the hurt was caused or explanation of your feelings.  The questions I always ask myself in situations like this is, what is really relevant here?  And cut things out accordingly.  For instance:  your approval/disapproval of how Karen ended her marriage:  Not really relevant, could cause issues again, avoid.  The fact that you want to start repairing this relationship:  relevant, focus on that.

Good luck.  I hope it works out for all of you, so that you can start building a new family out of everything.

lembaslover

*Barbie* said:

Knottie1435002966 said:

In a nutshell, Anna and Karen were having an affair, and I told my sister I didn't like it.  My sister eventually divorced and married Anna.  When I became friends with John, she hated me even more because if I couldn't like her, I didn't deserve to be friends with anyone in her family.  But he became my best friend and now, my husband.

DAMN.. SITB:

unless one of them was sleeping with you or your spouse/SO that wasn't any of your business. 

I kind of disagree. No it's not your business to get involved in the situation if someone is having an affair but if I had a good friend or sibling who was having an affair I'd tell them that I loved them but I think what they are doing is wrong. Unless both parties know about it and are ok with it (in which case it's not so much of an affair as it is an open marriage) then I don't think affairs are okay and I think it's okay to tell a friend or sibling that. 

FWIW I don't think you've done anything wrong but family is tricky and sometimes to build a relationship you have to apologize and try to get along. If that's what you want to do then I think that's great. If physical assault was involved I'd understand if you didn't. Good Luck. I like Varuna's advice of writing down what you might want to say to her. In some cases just writing stuff down makes me feel a lot better about it and it'll allow you to choose your words wisely so you don't let something damaging slip out if your sister or SIL doesn't respond very well.

*Barbie*

engagedhamstermom said:

*Barbie* said:

Knottie1435002966 said:

In a nutshell, Anna and Karen were having an affair, and I told my sister I didn't like it.  My sister eventually divorced and married Anna.  When I became friends with John, she hated me even more because if I couldn't like her, I didn't deserve to be friends with anyone in her family.  But he became my best friend and now, my husband.

DAMN.. SITB:

unless one of them was sleeping with you or your spouse/SO that wasn't any of your business. 

I kind of disagree. No it's not your business to get involved in the situation if someone is having an affair but if I had a good friend or sibling who was having an affair I'd tell them that I loved them but I think what they are doing is wrong. Unless both parties know about it and are ok with it (in which case it's not so much of an affair as it is an open marriage) then I don't think affairs are okay and I think it's okay to tell a friend or sibling that. 

FWIW I don't think you've done anything wrong but family is tricky and sometimes to build a relationship you have to apologize and try to get along. If that's what you want to do then I think that's great. If physical assault was involved I'd understand if you didn't. Good Luck. I like Varuna's advice of writing down what you might want to say to her. In some cases just writing stuff down makes me feel a lot better about it and it'll allow you to choose your words wisely so you don't let something damaging slip out if your sister or SIL doesn't respond very well.

SITMFB AGAIN...

I'm not saying OP can't have feelings about her sister having an affair, but if she is not directly involved in the affair (OP is cheating/OP is being cheated upon/OP is being asked to lie or cover up) it's not her business. It sounds like OP's sister may have indirectly have involved OP if she moved in the girlfriend and wanted OP to cover up. I don't OP was out of line in telling her sister that she didn't want to be involved and,moving out.

OP. I think you're being reasonable in your responses here, and in making an effort to get on better terms with your sister's wife.I agree with PP that you should focus more on wanting to move forward on good terms and less on how their relationship came about. Obviously your sister's affair led to you meeting your FI, so it wasn't all bad for you.