XP: FMIL wants FSIL out of wedding 25 days to go..

libride2015

So the back story is - my FSIL had a baby 14 months ago and since then her and her bf of 16 months (do the math) have not been the same. 

Long story short, she has been unreliable, rude and not easy to communicate with. 

After a month long plan to go bridesmaid dress shopping she backs out as I am in the driveway, no big deal it wasn't mandatory but a little more heads up with have been nice.

Attends my shower and is super sincere and nice - but her and her mother have been going at it like cat and dog behind the scenes.

A month later it is my bachlorette - we are going to my hometown three hours away for it - the morning of she texts me she isnt coming anymore.

This was three weeks ago... Since this happened FML has been LIVID with her as well as my FI, I am too but at this point, I dont need anymore stress and am just more disappointed, I am not going to sit there and yell at her, she is 30 years old. 

Now - she missed her first dress fitting, her dress needs ALOT of work. And since she missed it, FMIL says she needs to be out of the wedding.... FI somewhat agrees but I just cannot deal with the drama and the stress just 25 days before the wedding....

What would you guys do? 

I also dont want them to regret this because they are in the heat of the moment (which has been going on for about 5 months now).. at the same time FMIL is saying its really her call.. because FSIL lost her job when she got pregnant and FMIL paid for her dress, shoes and is paying for her hair while I pay for her makeup...

My FI and his sister have ALWAYS been close - - they are just 2 years apart... and I feel like they are all going to regret it, one: if she is not in the wedding and two: if they dont invite her at all.

I dont really know if this post makes any sense, sorry I am so in the moment of SHOCK, I just dont know what to think or do. 

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

So the back story is - my FSIL had a baby 14 months ago and since then her and her bf of 16 months (do the math) have not been the same. 

Long story short, she has been unreliable, rude and not easy to communicate with. 

After a month long plan to go bridesmaid dress shopping she backs out as I am in the driveway, no big deal it wasn't mandatory but a little more heads up with have been nice.

Attends my shower and is super sincere and nice - but her and her mother have been going at it like cat and dog behind the scenes.

A month later it is my bachlorette - we are going to my hometown three hours away for it - the morning of she texts me she isnt coming anymore.

This was three weeks ago... Since this happened FML has been LIVID with her as well as my FI, I am too but at this point, I dont need anymore stress and am just more disappointed, I am not going to sit there and yell at her, she is 30 years old. 

Now - she missed her first dress fitting, her dress needs ALOT of work. And since she missed it, FMIL says she needs to be out of the wedding.... FI somewhat agrees but I just cannot deal with the drama and the stress just 25 days before the wedding....

What would you guys do? 

I also dont want them to regret this because they are in the heat of the moment (which has been going on for about 5 months now).. at the same time FMIL is saying its really her call.. because FSIL lost her job when she got pregnant and FMIL paid for her dress, shoes and is paying for her hair while I pay for her makeup...

My FI and his sister have ALWAYS been close - - they are just 2 years apart... and I feel like they are all going to regret it, one: if she is not in the wedding and two: if they dont invite her at all.

I dont really know if this post makes any sense, sorry I am so in the moment of SHOCK, I just dont know what to think or do. 

First of all, nice judgy jab at your FSIL. So what if her boyfriend is not the father of her baby? What are you trying to imply by "do the math"? 

Let me see if I understand. She has a 14 month old BABY, and hasn't been able to drop everything to come to look at dresses? And she didn't go to your bach party. And she missed a dress fitting. And for this, you are considering kicking her out? It sounds like all of you and your FMIL are completely overreacting. 

Stay out of the issues between your FSIL and FMIL. Tell your FI that kicking his sister out of the wedding will forever change and possibly ruin your relationships with her. And then, let them hash it out. 

libride2015

I am not trying to act like a bitch, I WANT HER IN THE WEDDING...

But I feel as if I have no say. And no events were EVER MANDATORY - she was never told she had to do anything she willingly said she would - and then last second, BACKS OUT... its frustrating because this isnt the only thing she is doing this with, she is constantly making plans with family and friends and an hour before just not bothering to show.

I am not getting involved in anyones drama, but I think that when it comes to our wedding I do have a tad say...

FMIL thinks FSIL isnt going to show at the wedding.. and thats why she thinks its best if she is out now. 

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

I am not trying to act like a bitch, I WANT HER IN THE WEDDING...

But I feel as if I have no say. And no events were EVER MANDATORY - she was never told she had to do anything she willingly said she would - and then last second, BACKS OUT... its frustrating because this isnt the only thing she is doing this with, she is constantly making plans with family and friends and an hour before just not bothering to show.

I am not getting involved in anyones drama, but I think that when it comes to our wedding I do have a tad say...

FMIL thinks FSIL isnt going to show at the wedding.. and thats why she thinks its best if she is out now. 

So on the chance she might not show up to her brother's wedding, your FMIL wants to kick out beforehand? Do you not see how utterly ridiculous that sounds? 

If you want her in the wedding, then tell your FI that you're not removing her. He needs to support you in this, and then have him to your FMIL. 

libride2015

I understand how ridiculous it sounds, hence why I wrote on the board to ask for advice.

I have said that she should/needs to be in the wedding, it is FI's sister for christ sake but at the current moment they arent backing down. 

levioosa

libride2015 said:

I understand how ridiculous it sounds, hence why I wrote on the board to ask for advice.

I have said that she should/needs to be in the wedding, it is FI's sister for christ sake but at the current moment they arent backing down. 

Why is your FMIL even involved in what is happening in the BP?  Stay out of whatever is happening between the two of them, tell your FMIL to back off (nicely, of course--"sorry FMIL, but this topic is closed."), and let it go.  FSIL has a freaking toddler, which trumps dress shopping.  She has a month to get the dress in order, show up on time, and sober at the wedding.  If she shows up in the proper attire, great, if not, she's taken herself out of the wedding party.  

Where is your FI in this?  If you say she's in the BP, then he should also be relaying that message to your FMIL, along with the mantra of "this topic is closed for discussion."  Boundaries.  They're your friend.  

kimmiinthemitten

levioosa said:

libride2015 said:

I understand how ridiculous it sounds, hence why I wrote on the board to ask for advice.

I have said that she should/needs to be in the wedding, it is FI's sister for christ sake but at the current moment they arent backing down. 

Why is your FMIL even involved in what is happening in the BP?  Stay out of whatever is happening between the two of them, tell your FMIL to back off (nicely, of course--"sorry FMIL, but this topic is closed."), and let it go.  FSIL has a freaking toddler, which trumps dress shopping.  She has a month to get the dress in order, show up on time, and sober at the wedding.  If she shows up in the proper attire, great, if not, she's taken herself out of the wedding party.  

Where is your FI in this?  If you say she's in the BP, then he should also be relaying that message to your FMIL, along with the mantra of "this topic is closed for discussion."  Boundaries.  They're your friend.  

Bolded - QFT!

If her behavior (outside of the wedding) is problematic, let her fix her own behavior or don't.  And if she's a no show, or a show without a dress, she removed herself and you didn't.  I'd tell FI and let him relay to FMIL that you chose her for a reason and as such won't be rude by removing her from the party.

mollybarker11

libride2015 said:

Now - she missed her first dress fitting, her dress needs ALOT of work. And since she missed it, FMIL says she needs to be out of the wedding.... FI somewhat agrees but I just cannot deal with the drama and the stress just 25 days before the wedding. [...]

FMIL is saying its really her call.. because FSIL lost her job when she got pregnant and FMIL paid for her dress, shoes and is paying for her hair while I pay for her makeup. [...]

I dont really know if this post makes any sense, sorry I am so in the moment of SHOCK, I just dont know what to think or do.

It sucks that your FSIL is being flakey with your guys' plans. I'm not a mother but I'm guessing that toddlers can change the course of one's day without a moment's notice. Since you understand these things aren't mandatory, it shouldn't be hard for you to get over it and move on.

I am also shocked that your FMIL is so upset by this that she's trying to make you kick her daughter out of your wedding. You really should have consulted FSIL about her budget so she wouldn't need to rely on her mother to pay for her outfit, but FMIL doing FSIL a favour does not in any way mean she has a say in who YOU choose to be in your wedding party. That's ridiculous.

As far as what to think or do:
- DO NOT get wrapped up in FMIL's drama. Next time she brings it up, tell her you've chosen her as a bridesmaid and your decision is final.
- DO trust that FSIL will be able to get her dress altered sometime this month. If she doesn't (and you don't want her standing up with you in a different dress), then she's taken herself out of the wedding party and you didn't have to be the bad guy.
- MAYBE offer to babysit her little one for a couple hours so she can slip out and visit the tailor.

MesmrEwe

You're the bride - you want her in the wedding...  And the question is?  How do you help her out on the cost of the details instead of FMIL?  Do you call her and ask "Do you need me to watch LO while you go to your fitting(s)?" or "Hey, would you like me to get (Future Niece/Nephew) an outfit for the wedding?" So her dress needs a lot of work, no one mentioned WHY she missed the fitting.  Did she have AF and was absolutely miserable with the toddler teething? (Post Partum AF until things level out can be HORRIBLE!)  Is it possible to DIY the alterations or if you're using a chain like David's for the dresses to find a new one in the right size?

IMO, it sounds like she's super stressed out as a single-Mom and is doing the silent attempt at managing everything.  The BF doesn't sound like the father, which means, she's dating, nothing more nor less, the child is what sounds like 100% her responsibility and the BF might not be the toddler watching type.  Find out what the real story is that's going on behind the scenes (keep your position as neutral because you don't want to get sucked in to BSC drama!) because this is going to be your family in a month and you want to know all that you're getting into.  Maybe she's got anxiety and too afraid to tell you..  Go ahead and put your foot down that she's IN the wedding if you want her there and she wants to be there.  Find out if there's any way to make things easier for her.  Yes, you've got a ton of stress, but going it essentially alone with a 14mo makes planning a wedding easy by comparison.  Communicate with FSIL for what's actually going on...

libride2015

MesmrEwe the reason she missed her fitting is the same reason she missed everything else - this is just what she does and she really always has but never this bad. We purchased the dresses at a boutique and she is getting alterations done locally - the reason she needs so much work is because she is flat chested but never lost her tummy from baby weight - so the dress had to be ordered to fit her hips and stomach - so the entire top is ginormous and the woman told her its going to take "alot of work and a couple fittings" to get it right.

The reason FMIL is paying for everything is because FSIL has no job and no money- this had nothing to do with me asking her for a budget etc, but we knew from the start she wasnt paying for it but we wanted her in the wedding. 

Its just so frustrating because I want her to be part of the day - and it seems like the families odds are againast her. 

libride2015

I also did purchase outfit for the baby and she wont let anyone watch the baby ever, so as much as we try to help, we are locked out. Its hurtful and frustrating.

We know that she was depressed after the baby - she locked herself in her apartment at FMIL and there was no visitors aloud for weeks - that baby didnt see anyone but her for at least the first month of its life. I am NOT judging. I am NOT a mother, I do not know what its like. 

All I know, is I wanted her in this wedding, she stated she wanted to be in the wedding, her dress is purchased but isnt even close to fitting - her shoes are purchased and I am just going to cross my fingers she gets to where she needs to be.

VicTim328

It sounds like FMIL is frustrated FSIL isn't getting her act together.  Not your problem.  I would truly recommend against any action that would harm the relationship.

For the sake of the dress, why not offer to go with FSIL to the fitting to watch LO while she is fitted?  LO is still there, but not her responsibility at the moment of the fitting.  Is it ideal to have a child at a fitting? No, but that looks to be the only option.  Another option would be find a tailor who can make house calls.

For wedding involvement, I would not kick her out.  If she flakes the day of the wedding, it is on her.  She would be the reason behind the damaged relationship, not your or your FI , or even FMIL. 

It sounds like FSIL needs a guiding hand at getting her life together.  Try to help her.  Sometimes, just helping her know what is available to her helps.  On a side note, if FSIL is truly struggling financially, she should get in touch with a social worker about the baby's rights to child support from the biological father etc.  Even if she is not strapped (although doubtful), it's the child's right.  Some states can allow her to collect child support without ever giving up any form of custody.  Even if she doesn't want the child support, she can put it into a savings account for the child.  She cannot rely on the current boyfriend for assistance in financial support (if she is).  She may also qualify for job assistance and/or subsidized child care.  There are many programs designed to help single parents.

KatWAG

libride2015 said:

I also did purchase outfit for the baby and she wont let anyone watch the baby ever, so as much as we try to help, we are locked out. Its hurtful and frustrating.

We know that she was depressed after the baby - she locked herself in her apartment at FMIL and there was no visitors aloud for weeks - that baby didnt see anyone but her for at least the first month of its life. I am NOT judging. I am NOT a mother, I do not know what its like. 

All I know, is I wanted her in this wedding, she stated she wanted to be in the wedding, her dress is purchased but isnt even close to fitting - her shoes are purchased and I am just going to cross my fingers she gets to where she needs to be.

It sounds like you are judging every aspect of her life. From her post baby body, to her sex life, to her lack of job, lack of money, depression, etc. Maybe she doesn't want to go to wedding appointments and be judged.

And tell your FMIL to bud out.

libride2015

KatWAG UM NO - 

I was explaining - why she needs so much work done.. and why she cant just go a week before. 

I have done NOTHING but help her. 

And no one said anything about judging her sex life. 

mileybangerz

libride2015 said:

I also did purchase outfit for the baby and she wont let anyone watch the baby ever, so as much as we try to help, we are locked out. Its hurtful and frustrating.

We know that she was depressed after the baby - she locked herself in her apartment at FMIL and there was no visitors aloud for weeks - that baby didnt see anyone but her for at least the first month of its life. I am NOT judging. I am NOT a mother, I do not know what its like. 

All I know, is I wanted her in this wedding, she stated she wanted to be in the wedding, her dress is purchased but isnt even close to fitting - her shoes are purchased and I am just going to cross my fingers she gets to where she needs to be.

Stop keeping score. 

libride2015

MesmrEwe asked me to ask FSIL if she wanted me to get the baby an outfit. I was simply stating I already did so. 

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

I also did purchase outfit for the baby and she wont let anyone watch the baby ever, so as much as we try to help, we are locked out. Its hurtful and frustrating.

We know that she was depressed after the baby - she locked herself in her apartment at FMIL and there was no visitors aloud for weeks - that baby didnt see anyone but her for at least the first month of its life. I am NOT judging. I am NOT a mother, I do not know what its like. 

All I know, is I wanted her in this wedding, she stated she wanted to be in the wedding, her dress is purchased but isnt even close to fitting - her shoes are purchased and I am just going to cross my fingers she gets to where she needs to be.

First of all, the word is allowed. 

Second, have any of you actually considered your FSIL has postpartum and might need help??? All of your posts show an incredible amount of judgement. 

libride2015

And pointing out my error wasn't judgmental. 

Right. 

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

And pointing out my error wasn't judgmental. 

Right. 

Correcting grammar is not judgmental. You keep using the wrong word. Don't you want to use the correct one? 

justsie

libride2015 said:

And pointing out my error wasn't judgmental. 

Right. 

Use the quote button at the bottom of the post that you want to reply to so people know who you are addressing. 

jacques27

Depression, post-partum or otherwise usually doesn't just magically resolve without some intervention. So all you know is she was displaying those potential manifestations of symptoms for the one month afterward, but that doesn't mean it isn't still an ongoing issue. It is not uncommon for people struggling with depression or anxiety to isolate, withdraw, try to commit to things and then become overwhelmed and cancel at the last minute. Add being a new mother and caring for a toddler on top of that, which is a very hard job on its own in the best of circumstances even for financially stable people in committed relationships with the other parent and no mental health issues to contend with.

Your wedding is one day. Your relationship will be forever or as close to it as circumstances allow. Is it frustrating? For sure, but it isn't about you. So explain to the in laws that while you understand her behavior is frustrating, kicking her out in anticipation of her "flaking out" is not how you treat loved ones with kindness and respect. If she doesn't have it together the day of the wedding, then no big deal. She doesn't walk and attends as a guest. Or you learn to be fine with letting her walk in any dress she has in her closet that fits. Or she ends up taping and safety pinning the top of the dress and it won't look all that great but you and your husband won't care because the important part is that you got married and had the people you claim to care about and are close to you beside you.

And in the meantime, treat your FSIL with understanding, compassion, and acceptance. Nothing about her tendencies, habits, or situation are going to magically change just because you're getting married. Maybe she doesn't want help in the way you keep offering it. Maybe she's not ready for it. Maybe what she needs most is to know she has a compassionate non-judgmental sounding board and with time she'll trust you and other people to help her in other ways. (And I know you claim to only be explaining and not judging, but your language choice betrays that. And if a bunch of strangers are picking up on that underlying judgment, I guarantee she certainly is.)

TrixieJess

I'm going to advocate on behalf of your FSIL. I know what it's like to have a toddler, it's difficult. As for not letting anyone watch her child, you bet your buttons that I don't just let anyone watch my child. If she feels that you are judgmental towards her, why on earth would she let you watch her child?

Post-partum depression can exacerbate any kind of depression that may have been latent before a baby and can happen anytime to a mom. Your hormones after having a baby and nursing are constantly in flux. 

As well, as all the PPs have mentioned, if she doesn't wear the dress you want, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Now, speaking of the dress, I have been a bridesmaid several times and the only time I had to have alterations was when the boutique screwed up and recorded another bridesmaid's measurements as mine. It took my seamstress mother 3 hours to alter it, the night before the wedding. Why would you make her buy a dress that required alterations?

libride2015

TrixieJess said:

I'm going to advocate on behalf of your FSIL. I know what it's like to have a toddler, it's difficult. As for not letting anyone watch her child, you bet your buttons that I don't just let anyone watch my child. If she feels that you are judgmental towards her, why on earth would she let you watch her child?

Post-partum depression can exacerbate any kind of depression that may have been latent before a baby and can happen anytime to a mom. Your hormones after having a baby and nursing are constantly in flux. 

As well, as all the PPs have mentioned, if she doesn't wear the dress you want, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Now, speaking of the dress, I have been a bridesmaid several times and the only time I had to have alterations was when the boutique screwed up and recorded another bridesmaid's measurements as mine. It took my seamstress mother 3 hours to alter it, the night before the wedding. Why would you make her buy a dress that required alterations?

__________________________________________________________

I didnt "make her" buy a dress - we went dress shopping - she did not attend - we sent her photos - she said she loved it - she sent in her measurments...

Any dress she is going to have will need alterations - as I said - she is flat on top and has not lost the baby weight in her stomach and hips. SO - she had to order a size 22 which is like a 12/14 street size for her hips/stomach when her top half is an A cup....

That has NOTHING to do with me. 

TrixieJess

libride2015 said:

TrixieJess said:

I'm going to advocate on behalf of your FSIL. I know what it's like to have a toddler, it's difficult. As for not letting anyone watch her child, you bet your buttons that I don't just let anyone watch my child. If she feels that you are judgmental towards her, why on earth would she let you watch her child?

Post-partum depression can exacerbate any kind of depression that may have been latent before a baby and can happen anytime to a mom. Your hormones after having a baby and nursing are constantly in flux. 

As well, as all the PPs have mentioned, if she doesn't wear the dress you want, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Now, speaking of the dress, I have been a bridesmaid several times and the only time I had to have alterations was when the boutique screwed up and recorded another bridesmaid's measurements as mine. It took my seamstress mother 3 hours to alter it, the night before the wedding. Why would you make her buy a dress that required alterations?

__________________________________________________________

I didnt "make her" buy a dress - we went dress shopping - she did not attend - we sent her photos - she said she loved it - she sent in her measurments...

Any dress she is going to have will need alterations - as I said - she is flat on top and has not lost the baby weight in her stomach and hips. SO - she had to order a size 22 which is like a 12/14 street size for her hips/stomach when her top half is an A cup....

That has NOTHING to do with me. 

Okay, so when I've ordered an rack dress, i.e. not one specifically made by a seamstress, for a wedding, if the measurements were correct that were given, the dress fit fine and needed no other alterations. It's the reason you give measurements, so the dress can be cut to the proper shape. 

Again, you are coming off super judgey re: she hasn't lost the baby weight (not relevant to the post). I hope you remember how judgey you are when you have a child.

libride2015

TrixieJess - I guess thats lucky for you that the dress always fits. I am NOT coming off as super judgy i am coming off stating FACTS that - that is why her dress needs so much work. Her body is not in proportion. I am not judging/calling her fat/calling her names. I was just stating as to why it needs to be taken in so much on top- because it was ordered to fit the bottom.

TrixieJess

ride2015 said:

TrixieJess - I guess thats lucky for you that the dress always fits. I am NOT coming off as super judgy i am coming off stating FACTS that - that is why her dress needs so much work. Her body is not in proportion. I am not judging/calling her fat/calling her names. I was just stating as to why it needs to be taken in so much on top- because it was ordered to fit the bottom.

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

TrixieJess - I guess thats lucky for you that the dress always fits. I am NOT coming off as super judgy i am coming off stating FACTS that - that is why her dress needs so much work. Her body is not in proportion. I am not judging/calling her fat/calling her names. I was just stating as to why it needs to be taken in so much on top- because it was ordered to fit the bottom.

You are coming off as "super judgy". Your comments about her dating someone that is not her kid's father, living with her parents, not having a job, missing out on stupid things like going to look at dresses. IT ALL COMES OFF AS JUDGMENTAL. 

libride2015

climbingwife I stated that I didnt care that she missed the dress shopping, and never stated anything judgey about her living with her parents - or not having a job.

The reason I stated that she didnt have a job - is because someone asked why FMIL was paying for her dress/shoes... my FMIL is paying for everything for her right now. 

kimmiinthemitten

@libride2015, I'll play along and assume you're really trying not to be judgey.  But you should really take a step back, a deep breath and read what you wrote.  

Either your fingers are typing what you are really feeling, you're unaware of how you sound in written communication, or you're backpedaling.  I re-explained everything you have told us below, see how different that sounds??  And guess what, the advice you would get would still be the same:  Those events aren't mandatory, leave her in the WP, if she shows up the day of with the wrong attire, she's made herself a guest.

"So the LS;DR with my sister in law is this.  She had a baby 14 months ago and her boyfriend hasn't been very supportive.  She lost her job around the same time the LO was born, so FMIL has been helping her financially.

We asked her to be in the WP but now FMIL thinks she should be dropped and here's why.   She did come to our shower, but fought with FMIL the whole time.  She RSVP'ed to attend my bachelorette party and at the last minute wasn't able to come.  She couldn't come dress shopping or to the fitting, which concerns me because she's going to need alterations to her dress.  Seeing that FMIL is paying for everything for her to be a BM, she's livid and feels taken advantage of and is acting like it's her call since it's her money.

However, I feel like that's rude and now I'm stuck in the middle.  How do I handle this?"

climbingsingle

libride2015 said:

climbingwife I stated that I didnt care that she missed the dress shopping, and never stated anything judgey about her living with her parents - or not having a job.

The reason I stated that she didnt have a job - is because someone asked why FMIL was paying for her dress/shoes... my FMIL is paying for everything for her right now. 

You stated in your OP that she didn't have a job, not because someone asked you. This is what you wrote in your OP

at the same time FMIL is saying its really her call.. because FSIL lost her job when she got pregnant and FMIL paid for her dress, shoes and is paying for her hair while I pay for her makeup...

libride2015

That isnt me being judgy - thats me stating a fact as to why FMIL is paying for her stuff