in-laws unhappy... HELP

ready2wed59

My FH parents are VERY unhappy we decided to have a destination wedding... We are both from Texas but decided to have a beach wedding in Florida.  They think we're being selfish... How can we help them understand this decision wasn't out of selfishness or to keep them uninvolved but because we wanted an intimate and FUN wedding?

charlotte989875

So why exactly do they think you're being selfish? Are they helping to pay for the wedding at all? If they are then they absolutely have a right to be involved in the planning.

Usually the advice on these boards is to check with your VIPs when making plans, even if they're not paying. If there are people that you really want there (like yours FILs) you should check to make sure that they can attend your plans. Maybe they can't afford the travel expenses, or are worried about other family members they think will be invited can't afford to attend.

You absolutely have a right to the type of wedding you and FI want (especially if you're paying for it). However if they're contributing be prepared for them to have a say in the plans, or pull their contributions.

ready2wed59

They are not contributing.  They are able to afford the travel and are both retired so timing isn't a huge issue.  They have few friends or family members in Texas.  They gave many reasons, "We want to show you off to our friends", "we want you to be proud of your home", and my personal favorite, "usually the brides and grooms family gets together to plan the wedding" (not when the FB family is paying for it all). The idea had been discussed with them before and they were on board but when we actually made the plans they freaked.

lyndausvi

When some guests see an destination wedding all the see is $$$$$.     They  have to fly or drive, which costs money.   They have to get a hotel, which costs money.  They have to eat out for at least 3 days or more.  That costs even more money.

You have every right to have a destination wedding, but do not delusion yourself into thinking guests are excited about dropping a grand or more to attend a wedding when it could be a lot less if the wedding is local or at least semi-local.

BTW - a local wedding can be as much fun as a destination wedding. 

Full disclosure: I had an OOT wedding.  Mine was do to logistics.  Our families lived far away from each other and us.  It made sense.   My MIL wasn't thrilled either.  The location we picked was actually closer to her and cost a lot less for her to attend then if we picked where we lived.  Having it where she lived was never an option.    It took a while for her to get over it.  She still was annoyed, but oh well.

Jen4948

ready2wed59 said:

My FH parents are VERY unhappy we decided to have a destination wedding... We are both from Texas but decided to have a beach wedding in Florida.  They think we're being selfish... How can we help them understand this decision wasn't out of selfishness or to keep them uninvolved but because we wanted an intimate and FUN wedding?

Unfortunately, you can't make them see it your way if they don't want to.

But you don't have to be defensive when they call you selfish. Instead of going into the reasons why you made the plans you did, just have your FI shut down their complaints and name-calling with, "FI and I are sorry you don't like the plans, but they are firmly set. We are not changing them and we're not open to discussing them any more." Then don't discuss your plans with them any more.

jacques27

Why can't you plan an intimate and fun wedding in Texas? I mean, Florida doesn't have a monopoly on fun or intimate. You can plan any kind of wedding you want anywhere. You can also go on vacation anytime, anywhere and have fun.

That said, you are within your rights to have a destination wedding, but the truth is if you want guests there as well, you have to acknowledge that you're 1) causing a potential financial hardship, and 2) imposing your idea of "fun" on people. The truth is, many people view destination weddings as selfish, particularly when it is based on whims instead of logistics. Your family is probably just excited and want to celebrate with you. Asking people to take off work and spend a significant amount of money on airfare and hotel is asking a lot, especially if there are reasonable alternatives. It's fine if that's what you want to do. Make your decision and own it, but you can't really expect people to be falling all over themselves to spend hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars if they want to share in this occasion with you.

CMGragain

1.  You can plan your destination wedding in Florida, since you are paying for it yourselves.

2.  Your guests, including your parents, can decline to attend if they wish.

3.  You are not allowed to complain that people don't want to spend a lot of time and money to attend your destination wedding, which was planned in utter disregard for their convenience.

4.  If it is really important to you to be surrounded by friends and family at your wedding, then you will scrap your Florida plans and plan a local wedding that everybody can attend more easily.  You can honeymoon in Florida.

5.   If your wedding vision is more important to you than your guests, then your parents are right, and you are being selfish.

lembaslover

Sorry but a destination wedding is asking people to pay vacation money for a vacation they didn't pick. Sometimes it's necessary, my family is spread out all over the country and so is my FI so no matter where we picked it'd be a destination for most people. We picked a spot that is roughly in the middle for as many of our guests as possible which meant yes we had to travel a bit ourselves. 

But if I was invited to a destination wedding that someone picked just because that was their vision yea I'd grumble about it. 

It's within your right to have the wedding you want but don't be surprised that people aren't thrilled with what you picked. Especially when you are much luckier than a lot of couples and have local families. 

msuprincess04

There's always some push-back with a destination wedding, but if it's what you want, and you are paying for it, then it's a choice you can make. I think PP have most stuff covered. There are some that love to come to this forum and talk about how horrible DWs are. In some circumstances, they may be a bad idea, but this is a situation where you, as the couple getting married, get to decide. My DW was awesome, and I wouldn't have done it any other way.

CMGragain

msuprincess04 said:

There's always some push-back with a destination wedding, but if it's what you want, and you are paying for it, then it's a choice you can make. I think PP have most stuff covered. There are some that love to come to this forum and talk about how horrible DWs are. In some circumstances, they may be a bad idea, but this is a situation where you, as the couple getting married, get to decide. My DW was awesome, and I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Destination weddings are a very nice option - for small families.  My friend, from Vietnam, flew to Hawaii for her daughter's wedding.  It was immediate family only.  They had a lovely time.
However, trying to pull off a normal, medium to large size wedding at a distant destination will probably not be well received, especially if you both live in the same region.  People will wonder why being married at home isn't good enough.  There are legal complications, passports, airfare, hotel costs to be considered.
Sacrificing your guests comfort, budget and convenience for you wedding "vision" isn't usually a good idea, especially with large families.
If our side of the family was the only consideration for my daughter's wedding, a destination wedding would have been fine, since we have very few relatives.  Her husband came from a HUGE Asian family, though!  Most lived in the same area as the couple.  No way was a destination wedding going to work!

msuprincess04

scribe95 said:

Well asking every one of your guests to travel and spend a ton of money is a big deal. And literally it is selfish - you are putting your wants and desires ahead of others. 

Where we choose to have our wedding, when we are paying for it, is one of the decisions we get to make as bride and groom. Making sure everyone is properly hosted and such doesn't negate the fact that we get to pick our venue and location. Destination weddings are lovely, and as long as expectations are managed, then go for it. It's not selfish, it's a choice, one the couple gets to make.

jacques27

msuprincess04 said:

scribe95 said:

Well asking every one of your guests to travel and spend a ton of money is a big deal. And literally it is selfish - you are putting your wants and desires ahead of others. 

Where we choose to have our wedding, when we are paying for it, is one of the decisions we get to make as bride and groom. Making sure everyone is properly hosted and such doesn't negate the fact that we get to pick our venue and location. Destination weddings are lovely, and as long as expectations are managed, then go for it. It's not selfish, it's a choice, one the couple gets to make.

**************************************
Edited because boxes.


Something can be both selfish and a choice. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive. If you are choosing a destination wedding based on your own pleasure and interests and not regarding others, that is a selfish choice. It's one you are perfectly within your rights to make, especially if you are paying for it, but you don't get to pretend like your choosing a destination wedding is some magnanimous gesture on your part done for the consideration of others. It's not; it's something you chose for yourself because you wanted it.

I don't think anyone was saying that you don't get to spend your money as you see fit and make that choice for yourself; you just can't make people see it as selfless act because it's not. So you just own your decision and be ok with the fact that it doesn't work out for everyone.

msuprincess04

Fair enough. I can see that argument. In that respect, every wedding is somewhat selfish, but it seems that only those who've chosen a destination wedding are being told they are selfish over and over again. And, that seems mean-spirited.

Jells2dot0

I think that people think DWs are selfish are because it asks more than the norm. Example, I got married in 2004 in Maryland. My entire family had to travel in for the wedding, as I got married where I was living at the time, not where I grew up. However, they didn't have to take much time off of work (only mom and dad did by choice because they were in town longer), their travel expenses were minimal and if they had chosen, they could get a room at the Hampton Inn or Holiday Inn. I got buy in from them ahead of time that getting married in Maryland would be okay. With a DW, depending on the location, you're looking at a more expensive flight (instead of maybe $300, it's $500), potentially the added expense of a passport, more expensive resorts/hotels because it's a touristy area, and perhaps the travel time is too long to avoid taking time off of work. Again, not all of those apply to every DW, but we see a lot of DW brides on here where those points do count (getting married on a cruise is a big one!). I think people are a bit more forgiving when the destination means something- like the bride grew up there, but their family moved away; or the couple met there.

My 2012 wedding was unbelievably selfish. There is no way I could EVER imagine asking people to travel to Australia, hop on a heli, and spend over $1K a night glamping on a private island. But, that's okay, because we didn't tell anyone we were getting married. We had talked about an immediate family only DW, and had we gone that route, we would have paid for our family to attend. We axed that idea for many reasons, one being that it just wasn't right to ask certain people to travel when we knew it would be tough for them, even if we paid for their trip.

I think if the couple is paying for their wedding, feels strongly about including VIPs and gets their full buy in, and is completely understanding and open to the fact that they may get declines, then it's not terribly selfish to have a DW. You just have to be 100% okay with a smaller wedding and minimal attendance. Some of the posters I have seen on here are trying to have these opulent weddings with over 100 people in far off destinations because it just sounds like a dream come true. It's their vision. They are trying to have some crazy wedding like I had in Australia but with their whole contingent of acquaintances involved. IMHO, that is fucking nuts!!!

ETF: spelling

levioosa

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

ready2wed59

Okay chill, it's my wedding day and  I will do what I want.  Obviously, if you don't want to come, don't come.  I'm upset because its my FIL and they aren't coming solely because they didn't get to pick where we were going and they are control freaks.  It's not the DW they have a problem with, its that we picked it without them.

levioosa

ready2wed59 said:

Okay chill, it's my wedding day and  I will do what I want.  Obviously, if you don't want to come, don't come.  I'm upset because its my FIL and they aren't coming solely because they didn't get to pick where we were going and they are control freaks.  It's not the DW they have a problem with, its that we picked it without them.

JFC calm down.  Also, saying it's your day and you'll do what you want doesn't go over well here.

I didn't say you couldn't have one.  Just acknowledge that it's selfish and that a lot of people might not come because of it.  As far as your parents go, tell them the discussion is closed and you'll miss them.  Chances are they're bluffing. 

msuprincess04

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

And I just took a few days off, spent a ton of money, and flew to the Gulf coast for a wedding I was in because my girlfriend is from there. Is that a DW? If not, then I just don't see the argument that a DW is any more "selfish" than a non-DW. So constantly telling posters that their wedding is "selfish" is just to be negative. Which, again, why bother even coming to the DW board if you are so dead set against them?

ETA: If her mom still lived there, would it be a DW? What about her favorite pastor? What if she had a beach house there?

banana468

msuprincess04 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

And I just took a few days off, spent a ton of money, and flew to the Gulf coast for a wedding I was in because my girlfriend is from there. Is that a DW? If not, then I just don't see the argument that a DW is any more "selfish" than a non-DW. So constantly telling posters that their wedding is "selfish" is just to be negative. Which, again, why bother even coming to the DW board if you are so dead set against them?

ETA: If her mom still lived there, would it be a DW? What about her favorite pastor? What if she had a beach house there?

If you're choosing a location because you like the location and not because you or the hosts live in that location then it's a DW.   I wouldn't call it a DW if you get married in Florida because your parents live there even if you live in Kansas but I would call it a DW if you choose Florida because you love the beach and always imagined Panhandle nuptials.   

Sometimes IMO, you need to face the notion that with your choices come some selfishness.   And IMO, there are degrees of that selfishness but if your wedding location requires travel for the majority of your guests then there is going to be a degree of inconvenience.   With the way that so many people move around, I dislike the idea of having to label a  wedding as a DW or not.    But when the location comes ahead of the guests' convenience, you are being at least slightly selfish with your choices.   

mileybangerz

ready2wed59 said:

They are not contributing.  They are able to afford the travel and are both retired so timing isn't a huge issue.  They have few friends or family members in Texas.  They gave many reasons, "We want to show you off to our friends", "we want you to be proud of your home", and my personal favorite, "usually the brides and grooms family gets together to plan the wedding" (not when the FB family is paying for it all). The idea had been discussed with them before and they were on board but when we actually made the plans they freaked.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle.

OP, this reaction from FI's parents may be a "taste" of what's to come.  You're painting a picture here of them being manipulative (and granted, we are only hearing what you tell us).  I'm not suggesting that you have the DW to "prove a point".  If this type of response is common for them, you & your FI will need to sit down and discuss how to handle other tricky situations where they want their way.

What happens if you decide to baptize a future child in a church other than the ones your FI's parents belong to?
What happens when you decide to celebrate Christmas with FI's grandparents who live in another state?
(these are purely hypothetical, but something to think about if they are prone to this type of reaction).
 

Jells2dot0

banana468 said:

msuprincess04 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

And I just took a few days off, spent a ton of money, and flew to the Gulf coast for a wedding I was in because my girlfriend is from there. Is that a DW? If not, then I just don't see the argument that a DW is any more "selfish" than a non-DW. So constantly telling posters that their wedding is "selfish" is just to be negative. Which, again, why bother even coming to the DW board if you are so dead set against them?

ETA: If her mom still lived there, would it be a DW? What about her favorite pastor? What if she had a beach house there?

If you're choosing a location because you like the location and not because you or the hosts live in that location then it's a DW.   I wouldn't call it a DW if you get married in Florida because your parents live there even if you live in Kansas but I would call it a DW if you choose Florida because you love the beach and always imagined Panhandle nuptials.   

Sometimes IMO, you need to face the notion that with your choices come some selfishness.   And IMO, there are degrees of that selfishness but if your wedding location requires travel for the majority of your guests then there is going to be a degree of inconvenience.   With the way that so many people move around, I dislike the idea of having to label a  wedding as a DW or not.    But when the location comes ahead of the guests' convenience, you are being at least slightly selfish with your choices.   

THIS. A DW is a wedding in a location that neither the couple nor their families resides. I tried t define it as such in the sticky post on the top of this page.

GlamQueenBride

jacques27 said:

scribe95 said:

Well asking every one of your guests to travel and spend a ton of money is a big deal. And literally it is selfish - you are putting your wants and desires ahead of others. 

Where we choose to have our wedding, when we are paying for it, is one of the decisions we get to make as bride and groom. Making sure everyone is properly hosted and such doesn't negate the fact that we get to pick our venue and location. Destination weddings are lovely, and as long as expectations are managed, then go for it. It's not selfish, it's a choice, one the couple gets to make.

************************************** Edited because boxes. Something can be both selfish and a choice. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive. If you are choosing a destination wedding based on your own pleasure and interests and not regarding others, that is a selfish choice. It's one you are perfectly within your rights to make, especially if you are paying for it, but you don't get to pretend like your choosing a destination wedding is some magnanimous gesture on your part done for the consideration of others. It's not; it's something you chose for yourself because you wanted it. I don't think anyone was saying that you don't get to spend your money as you see fit and make that choice for yourself; you just can't make people see it as selfless act because it's not. So you just own your decision and be ok with the fact that it doesn't work out for everyone.

I 100% disagree with this line of reasoning. A wedding invitation is a CHOICE. It's not like anyone is forced to attend. Having a DW would only be selfish if you're FORCING people to attend. The fact is that we make choices in our own best interest every single day. Is it selfish for someone to move out of their hometown because they don't like living there, making family have to pay for a flight or drive to see them? Is it selfish for someone to choose to get pregnant when they know that they'll be taking time off work and co-workers may have to cover? This mentality of "not thinking of your guests" in planning a DW doesn't work for me because guests are not required to be there and frankly, if I'm shelling out 20 grand on a wedding, it's going to be where I want it to be. Now for those guests who do show up, I will host them properly and I will accept that most won't show up. But I'm not going to have a wedding I don't want to have just so people can watch me.

GlamQueenBride

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

Maggie0829

I think this entire argument is kind of pointless.  Go to a wedding, don't go to a wedding.  Why do we have to label everything?

banana468

Knottie63139532 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

We all have choices to make.   And while we can choose to say yes to a request, that does not mean that the request was not selfish.

There are varying degrees of selfishness.   Some selfishness is showing your guests your really expensive wine and then pouring them the stuff out of a box because you don't let anyone but yourself drink the good stuff.  

My DH can request a daily BJ.   I can choose not to give it to him.    However the request to ask me to do something just for him IS selfish.  I can ask him for a diamond necklace and a luxury trip.   He doesn't have to give them to me but the request for them is selfish.

I'm tired of people saying that 'you don't have to go because it's an invitation and not a summons' as some kind of catch all dogma that negates the initial intent of the request.     

MesmrEwe

 

Whether or not you perceive others as having money doesn't mean that's the case.  My neighbors realized relatively quickly after they retired from rather good paying jobs with top of the line retirement packages that they'd still need to supplement their fixed income.  There are a lot of beautiful beaches in Texas where a "DW at home" could take place.  You're asking anyone invited to spend roughly $1000+/pp MINIMUM (providing they're staying at the Motel 6 and not some destination resort), plus the cost of lost revenue from having to take extra time off from work, to attend a wedding as a guest by traveling anywhere that requires a flight, and that's not one penny spent on a gift yet.  If it'd otherwise cost around $300-500 as a family of four to attend a typical local wedding as a guest.  Really think about why someone would perceive a $300-$500 investment of a weekend vs. around $4000 plus vacation time used to attend a wedding on a beach in a vacation location not of their choosing (bonus points if you're scheduling this during hurricane season!) more selfish.  When it's their real money on the line is when people consider it selfish. 

If you consider your IL's invite as an invite and not a summons, and that they aren't a VIP to you for attending, when they tell you that your choice in location is absolutely selfish, it's them being honest with you, and it's not what you want to hear that you're being selfish by doing so.  If you can't trust your parents to be honest with you...  But, since they're just invited and you don't give a rip about their presence or your FI's wishes for their presence, don't be surprised that they can't make it.  You don't get to have the "I'm the bride DA**IT!" moment with this crowd. 

GlamQueenBride

banana468 said:

Knottie63139532 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

We all have choices to make.   And while we can choose to say yes to a request, that does not mean that the request was not selfish.

There are varying degrees of selfishness.   Some selfishness is showing your guests your really expensive wine and then pouring them the stuff out of a box because you don't let anyone but yourself drink the good stuff.  

My DH can request a daily BJ.   I can choose not to give it to him.    However the request to ask me to do something just for him IS selfish.  I can ask him for a diamond necklace and a luxury trip.   He doesn't have to give them to me but the request for them is selfish.

I'm tired of people saying that 'you don't have to go because it's an invitation and not a summons' as some kind of catch all dogma that negates the initial intent of the request.     

For that matter, asking your husband to make dinner is selfish. Asking him to take out the trash or vacuum is selfish. All of these things benefit you, so they're all selfish. So maybe we should all accept that every single thing we do in life is selfish? That's hogwash. Selfish is another word that's thrown around insanely carelessly here. EXPECTING your friends to come to your DW is selfish. Putting the invite out is not. It's no more selfish than me telling my friends that my FH and I are going to the pricey Plaza for dinner and they're welcome to come with us if they'd like. It's no more selfish than me asking my bridesmaids to choose a gown for MY wedding in the color I choose. It's no more selfish than asking people to take time out of their lives and come to our anniversary party or my kid's birthday party. You're not requiring anyone to do it. You're ASKING, and everyone is free to say no.

Frankly, I think it's selfish for anyone to be pissy about a couple choosing to have a DW when they (the couple) are the ones paying the bill. Whoever pays for the wedding chooses the venue. End of story.

Jells2dot0

Knottie63139532 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie63139532 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

We all have choices to make.   And while we can choose to say yes to a request, that does not mean that the request was not selfish.

There are varying degrees of selfishness.   Some selfishness is showing your guests your really expensive wine and then pouring them the stuff out of a box because you don't let anyone but yourself drink the good stuff.  

My DH can request a daily BJ.   I can choose not to give it to him.    However the request to ask me to do something just for him IS selfish.  I can ask him for a diamond necklace and a luxury trip.   He doesn't have to give them to me but the request for them is selfish.

I'm tired of people saying that 'you don't have to go because it's an invitation and not a summons' as some kind of catch all dogma that negates the initial intent of the request.     

For that matter, asking your husband to make dinner is selfish. Asking him to take out the trash or vacuum is selfish. All of these things benefit you, so they're all selfish. So maybe we should all accept that every single thing we do in life is selfish? That's hogwash. Selfish is another word that's thrown around insanely carelessly here. EXPECTING your friends to come to your DW is selfish. Putting the invite out is not. It's no more selfish than me telling my friends that my FH and I are going to the pricey Plaza for dinner and they're welcome to come with us if they'd like. It's no more selfish than me asking my bridesmaids to choose a gown for MY wedding in the color I choose. It's no more selfish than asking people to take time out of their lives and come to our anniversary party or my kid's birthday party. You're not requiring anyone to do it. You're ASKING, and everyone is free to say no.

Frankly, I think it's selfish for anyone to be pissy about a couple choosing to have a DW when they (the couple) are the ones paying the bill. Whoever pays for the wedding chooses the venue. End of story.

Except in some cases, if the couple has a wedding at an all-inclusive resort, the fact that the guests are also staying at the AI and food/drink is included means that the guests are paying for some portion of the wedding. The couple may pay an upgrade fee to have a more private reception or a slightly better meal, but the base is paid for by the guests.

GlamQueenBride

Jells2dot0 said:

Knottie63139532 said:

banana468 said:

Knottie63139532 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

We all have choices to make.   And while we can choose to say yes to a request, that does not mean that the request was not selfish.

There are varying degrees of selfishness.   Some selfishness is showing your guests your really expensive wine and then pouring them the stuff out of a box because you don't let anyone but yourself drink the good stuff.  

My DH can request a daily BJ.   I can choose not to give it to him.    However the request to ask me to do something just for him IS selfish.  I can ask him for a diamond necklace and a luxury trip.   He doesn't have to give them to me but the request for them is selfish.

I'm tired of people saying that 'you don't have to go because it's an invitation and not a summons' as some kind of catch all dogma that negates the initial intent of the request.     

For that matter, asking your husband to make dinner is selfish. Asking him to take out the trash or vacuum is selfish. All of these things benefit you, so they're all selfish. So maybe we should all accept that every single thing we do in life is selfish? That's hogwash. Selfish is another word that's thrown around insanely carelessly here. EXPECTING your friends to come to your DW is selfish. Putting the invite out is not. It's no more selfish than me telling my friends that my FH and I are going to the pricey Plaza for dinner and they're welcome to come with us if they'd like. It's no more selfish than me asking my bridesmaids to choose a gown for MY wedding in the color I choose. It's no more selfish than asking people to take time out of their lives and come to our anniversary party or my kid's birthday party. You're not requiring anyone to do it. You're ASKING, and everyone is free to say no.

Frankly, I think it's selfish for anyone to be pissy about a couple choosing to have a DW when they (the couple) are the ones paying the bill. Whoever pays for the wedding chooses the venue. End of story.

Except in some cases, if the couple has a wedding at an all-inclusive resort, the fact that the guests are also staying at the AI and food/drink is included means that the guests are paying for some portion of the wedding. The couple may pay an upgrade fee to have a more private reception or a slightly better meal, but the base is paid for by the guests.

That's a bit different and yes, I'd agree that that is selfish. People should pay for their own wedding and not expect guests to help pay for the venue.

charlotte989875

Knottie63139532 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.


----- Pretend there is a box here-----
This attitude is incredibly frustrating to me. The "come or don't come it's yours choice" mentality, in my opinion, comes off like you really don't care if people come to your wedding or not. If that's the case, why not elope? If you really want people, especially your friends and family, to attend your wedding then you need to think about what you're asking them to do. And when you have a DW you're asking people to do more for you than you'd be asking them to do if you held it in area area where you or the hosts are from. People often say on here, the minute you invite people to your wedding its stops being all about what you want and starts being about your guests.

GlamQueenBride

charlotte989875 said:

levioosa said:

I just flew from CA to FL for my BFF's wedding, had to miss two valuable days from school, and spent about $3000 to be in her wedding, not counting the weekend destination bachelorette trip.  Yeah, it was selfish of her.  People aren't shitting on destination weddings for no reason. They're an inconvenience to your guests for YOUR vision.  Own up to the fact that people are going to be upset they have to travel so far, take time off of work or school, and pay way more money than they would have to if the wedding was local.  It's just the way it is with DW.  You're not only asking people to travel for your wedding, you're also dictating their vacation time.  I'm sorry, but it's selfish.  Own up to it.  

You didn't have to go. You made a CHOICE to go. So, no she didn't make you spend that much, she didn't make you miss school. You chose to do those things. Own up to it.

----- Pretend there is a box here----- This attitude is incredibly frustrating to me. The "come or don't come it's yours choice" mentality, in my opinion, comes off like you really don't care if people come to your wedding or not. If that's the case, why not elope? If you really want people, especially your friends and family, to attend your wedding then you need to think about what you're asking them to do. And when you have a DW you're asking people to do more for you than you'd be asking them to do if you held it in area area where you or the hosts are from. People often say on here, the minute you invite people to your wedding its stops being all about what you want and starts being about your guests.

People say a lot of things on here. It doesn't mean they're all right nor does it mean they're all interpreted the way you think. The minute guests are invited, it does become about them, but guests aren't invited until you pick the venue. You pick the venue, THEN you invite the guests. Look, it's as simple as this -- anyone who grew up with siblings likely remembers family birthday dinners -- you went where the birthday boy/birthday girl wanted to go. If that was Chuck E. Cheese, then you went to Chuck E. Cheese. Now that you're adults, you have the choice of not going if you don't want to, but it's incredibly rude, selfish, and unbelievably entitled to think that you should have say in the venue of someone else's wedding.