Incorporating friends and family in a wedding abroad

tlm23

I live abroad in my partner's home country. Unfortunately, my temporary visa is going to expire and we will need to get married somewhat quickly to stay together in the same country. As such, we have approximately 6 months to marry before my immigration paperwork will need to be submitted.

I would like my close friends and family members to be able to attend and participate in this important step in our lives. However, it feels a bit rude to surprise this news on them and expect them to buy an expensive plane ticket on such short notice (many of my friends have never been abroad and may not even have passports!). Our original thought was to have a courthouse ceremony with just our two immediate families, and then do some sort of "celebration" in a year or so, inviting our friends and extended family to that.

I feel like I'm in a tough situation -- I don't want my loved ones to feel left out of the process and I don't want to feel like I've missed out on having a real celebration. I also don't want to appear tacky or lessen the experience by having a reception/party/whatever-you-want-to-call-it a year after we've already been married. 

Any thoughts? How would you feel if you were my friend or family member? Should we split the ceremony and the celebration, or just do it all at once (meaning some will be left out)?

Jen4948

I think your original idea is the best one-to get married at the courthouse now and then have a celebration later. Just bear in mind the following:

-The courthouse wedding IS your "wedding." You don't get another ceremony later, with a walk down the aisle, attendants, given away, gift registries, etc., so consider carefully if you want to do this, especially if religious beliefs or other elements come into play where the courthouse ceremony wouldn't be recognized as valid.

-Immediately following the courthouse ceremony, you need to provide hospitality for whoever attends the courthouse ceremony. That is your "reception" and it's mandatory, because it's your thank you gesture to your courthouse ceremony guests.

-The later party is a "celebration," not a "reception." You can have as big a party as you want, but you need to avoid any reenactment of the ceremony as well as "wedding" elements like spotlight dances. Those boats will sail when you have the courthouse ceremony.

-If you do this course of action, do NOT keep the courthouse ceremony secret and pretend that the later celebration is your "wedding." It's not. And your guests will find out about the courthouse ceremony and deeply resent you for lying to them.

littlestmonkey

So as someone who also had visas to contend with I do feel your pain somewhat, although unless there's been a sudden change in your situation you must have known that your visa was going to expire six months from now so I'm a bit surprised that this has only just come up. 

Generally, getting married just before the visa is about to expire doesn't look that good to the immigration officials so I would recommend that you maybe plan a wedding 3-4 months from now, at the latest, to give yourselves at least two months to get the paperwork in order for your 'change of status' application. 

Invite your immediate family and close friends as you clearly want them there but expect that many (maybe most) will not be able to make it. Given the timeline, travel costs etc, I would limit the guest list more than if you were having a wedding at home so that it doesn't look like a gift-grab. You may be surprised by who can travel, but chances are that you will have a small wedding. 

If you then want a further celebration, I would time a trip home with maybe your first anniversary and throw an anniversary party. I wouldn't wear a wedding dress or do any of the wedding traditions at this party but as a guest I'd absolutely understand why you did things this way, and would definitely be up for celebrating with you. 

STARMOON44

I don't think 6 months is too rushed at all. I'd be planning a wedding for 4 months from now, and letting people know ASAP. It's not rude to invite them. Some of them may not be able to come, but that's not too short a time to get a passport and plan a trip for those who are interested.

If I'm your best friend, I want to see you get married, not just go to a random party a year later.

VicTim328

I wouldn't call 6 months too short notice for finding good deals on travel expenses.  Most travel deals occur within 45-60 days of travel.

I agree with PP that you should probably be doing it with several months to spare for your visa.

If you really want to include family and friends who cannot make the last minute travel, could you try to have it live streamed or skype conference.  FI and I are a BM and GM 4 weeks after our wedding.  They are about 1,200 miles apart, and even though one is Saturday (PM) and one is Sunday (AM), timing and flights don't allow us to be at both. The bride from one wedding and the groom from the other are both in our WP.  The Saturday wedding, the couple is having live-streamed (came with the package).  My FI plans on watching it.

tlm23

Thanks everyone for the responses. Just wanted to clarify that I feel fine on the immigration end as six months is including a few months after for filing paperwork. I was here on a work visa, but my company has unexpectedly announced that it is closing next summer, which will void that. This is why this "has only just come up." 

I also recognize that my courthouse wedding is "my wedding." We aren't planning on hiding it or anything like that. Our friends are family are aware of our situation and that we must get on with the legal paperwork as soon as we can in order to stay together and keep our life as it is.

I think what I'm mostly concerned about are hurting people's feelings and how best to incorporate everyone. Immigration restrictions have taken away my chance at my dream wedding, so I'm hoping for advice on how to make things as "normal" as possible and still feel like I get a real celebration with my loved ones.

[Deleted User]

tlm23 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. Just wanted to clarify that I feel fine on the immigration end as six months is including a few months after for filing paperwork. I was here on a work visa, but my company has unexpectedly announced that it is closing next summer, which will void that. This is why this "has only just come up." 

I also recognize that my courthouse wedding is "my wedding." We aren't planning on hiding it or anything like that. Our friends are family are aware of our situation and that we must get on with the legal paperwork as soon as we can in order to stay together and keep our life as it is.

I think what I'm mostly concerned about are hurting people's feelings and how best to incorporate everyone. Immigration restrictions have taken away my chance at my dream wedding, so I'm hoping for advice on how to make things as "normal" as possible and still feel like I get a real celebration with my loved ones.

Cool, since you seem to be doing everything right, go ahead and plan your wedding.  Put together a guest list and determine a budget.  I'd think you want to keep your guest list reasonably small so you can use some of your budgeted money to help some VIPs pay for travel expenses if they can't afford it.  Dinner for 20 in a small restaurant/park/hotel suite should be easy to plan in 6 months, then you can concentrate on helping your family make flight/hotel plans.

SP29

Personally, I would plan the wedding you want and invite any family and friends you would like to have at your wedding. Let them decide if they can come or not, you may be pleasantly surprised. While you may get many declines, I don't think you should presume who can or cannot come. In either situation where your guests decline or you have a private ceremony, your friends/family won't be there, so you might as well give them the option (since that sounds like that is what you want). 

You could still have an anniversary party at a later date back in your hometown with family and friends. 

littlestmonkey

I'm so sorry to hear about your company! I can completely see why that has thrown your plans into disarray!

I would plan the wedding you want, inviting your friends and family and hopefully some of them will be able to make it. 

Jen4948

tlm23 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses. Just wanted to clarify that I feel fine on the immigration end as six months is including a few months after for filing paperwork. I was here on a work visa, but my company has unexpectedly announced that it is closing next summer, which will void that. This is why this "has only just come up." 

I also recognize that my courthouse wedding is "my wedding." We aren't planning on hiding it or anything like that. Our friends are family are aware of our situation and that we must get on with the legal paperwork as soon as we can in order to stay together and keep our life as it is.

I think what I'm mostly concerned about are hurting people's feelings and how best to incorporate everyone. Immigration restrictions have taken away my chance at my dream wedding, so I'm hoping for advice on how to make things as "normal" as possible and still feel like I get a real celebration with my loved ones.

Sorry to hear about your company closing.  That's a major bummer.

Not much you can about hurting feelings that people won't be able to come to your wedding-but I agree with the PP who advises inviting whoever you like to be there.  Hopefully they can make it; if not then hopefully they'll understand your situation.  All the best!