Wedding Etiquette Forum

Grooms list

705bride709705bride709 member
First Comment
edited October 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
See below.

Re: Grooms list

  • edited October 2015
    I need help! My family intended on doing the one/third rule for invites to our wedding that my father is paying for in my hometown (smaller city). My fiances mom without asking us how many invitations they could have said they want to invite 200 people.... We were planning on letting them invite 80. They claim that out of the 200 they only expect 60 to come due to our city being pretty far to travel to. They also claim that they just HAVE to invite 100 family members even though they won't come because they will get their feelings hurt if they don't get an invite. Ideally I would like to let the Mother of the Groom know that typical etiquette is to wait and see how many invitations we are giving them, but she blew past that point. I also would expect that if she truly feels she cannot reduce her guest list that she should offer to pay for the extra invitations, but this has not been brought up at all. In addition our venue is smaller so if these people DO decide to come we will go over venue capacity, budget, and the wedding will have much more on their side than ours!! Please help me decide how to handle this. I've tried going through my fiancé who tries to communicate the points above but her response to him has been "you are wrong". Please let me know if anyone has any advice on how to handle the issue! Thank you in advance!
    This is hard to answer without more information. If you are from a smaller family, with 2 aunts and uncles and 1 cousin, and your FI is from a large family with 20 aunts and uncles and 10 cousins, it isn't really fair to split the list evenly between your families. But if your father is paying, he gets final say. Without more information, I would suggest you and your FI pay for some of the wedding so that he can invite the people that are important to him.
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  • Thank you! We have the same exact number of immediate family. They are a little closer to their distant family.
  • edited October 2015
    Thank you! We have the same exact number of immediate family. They are a little closer to their distant family.
    If they are close and FI wants them invited, they should be invited. Make it happen.
    image
  • I think you both need to talk to your parents individually in a general sense about how they see the guest list for your wedding.

    Then you and your fiance need to sit down together, just the two of you, and write out a guest list that you can both agree with, and you think will make both of your parents as happy as you want to make them. The full list should be within budget, assuming 100% attendance AND that every currently-single guest has a significant other at the time invites go out. Then show the parents your guest list.

    If there are big discrepancies with what your parents want and what you want, then you need to be prepared to have that conversation with them.



    I totally don't understand the point of assigning different slots for guests to different people. Your fiance and you should have a similar idea of who you want invited, in terms of friends and family. 
  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2015

    I need help! My family intended on doing the one/third rule for invites to our wedding that my father is paying for in my hometown (smaller city). My fiances mom without asking us how many invitations they could have said they want to invite a very large amount of people.... We were planning on letting them invite less than half of what they proposed. They claim that out of that number they only expect 30% to come due to our city being pretty far to travel to. They also claim that they just HAVE to invite an incredibly large amount of family members even though they won't come because they will get their feelings hurt if they don't get an invite. Ideally I would like to let the Mother of the Groom know that typical etiquette is to wait and see how many invitations we are giving them, but she blew past that point. I also would expect that if she truly feels she cannot reduce her guest list that she should offer to pay for the extra invitations, but this has not been brought up at all. In addition our venue is smaller so if these people DO decide to come we will go over venue capacity, budget, and the wedding will have much more on their side than ours!! Please help me decide how to handle this. I've tried going through my fiancé who tries to communicate the points above but her response to him has been "you are wrong". Please let me know if anyone has any advice on how to handle the issue! Thank you in advance!
    First off, change your screenname.  It's way easy to Google you & find out more details.

    Second, ALWAYS plan for 100% attendance. 

    Keep in mind, too, that if she increases your headcount, it will not just affect the $ on invitations, but just about everything.

    If her current response to your fiance is "you are wrong", it sounds like he'll need to work on how they work.  This mentality could get messy once things progress in your marriage & family.
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  • Assuming the current guest list is the guest list that you and your FI want, while being in your father's budget, FMIL can want the extra guests all she wants.

    Your FI has been trying to tell FMIL that she cannot have that many people invited, which is good!  But she keeps telling him "You are wrong."  I think now is the time to go with your FI and speak to her as a united front.  "FMIL, I'm sorry but FI and I have decided on the guest list.  We cannot accommodate the large amount of people you wish to have invited.  It is not possible financially and its not possible legally - due to the fire code of our venue.  I know that you said most people won't attend, but we cannot take that chance.  I'm sorry you don't like this, but the guest list is final and this topic is now closed."  Then change the subject anytime she tries to bring up the guest list.

    If you can allow, give her the option of adding X number of people that are not currently on your guest list.  This might help. 

    If she does push back again and says she will invite them herself (brides have had this happen on here).  You must be firm and tell her that any person not on the final guest list will be turned away at the door.  They will not be given a seat to sit and will have no meal for them.  And since she is the one who invited those people, it will reflect poorly on her.  Also, don't let FMIL have access to the invitations and maybe send hers later that the rest.  A bride had her FMIL send her own invitation to a guest she wanted and another who had photocopies of the invite sent out.

  • Tbd
    What an odd DD.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Tbd
    What an odd DD.

    This. Why on earth did you delete your post, OP?
    image
  • Well that was weird.

  • Ah! I don't know what DD or OP means! Or obviously how to work this site. Thanks everyone for the advice though! I think the 100% attendance thought is very smart. Using that, I think we just can't invite 100 extra people and assume they won't come! That is a strong point that will hopefully register with my... FMIL? Lol
  • Ah! I don't know what DD or OP means! Or obviously how to work this site. Thanks everyone for the advice though! I think the 100% attendance thought is very smart. Using that, I think we just can't invite 100 extra people and assume they won't come! That is a strong point that will hopefully register with my... FMIL? Lol
    OP = original poster / original post
    DD = Dirty Delete (when you post something then delete it later).
    image
  • Ah! I don't know what DD or OP means! Or obviously how to work this site. Thanks everyone for the advice though! I think the 100% attendance thought is very smart. Using that, I think we just can't invite 100 extra people and assume they won't come! That is a strong point that will hopefully register with my... FMIL? Lol
    OP = original poster / original post
    DD = Dirty Delete (when you post something then delete it later).
    We're calling it a DD because it's rude to delete your post.  Whether or not you got the answers you wanted, you need to leave your posts for others to learn from.  Also, since you were quoted you didn't actually make your OP go away since people can still read it in other posts.
  • 705 - If your parents are paying for the wedding, they are well within their rights to decide how many guests your FILs may invite. It's very generous of your parents to split the guest list three ways. Your fi needs to tell his mom that it would be rude to demand that your parents spend more money to entertain their guests. Let them know that you need their final list of  80 guests by X date and if they can't cut it, your fi will do it for them. No changes will be made to the list and no B listing. If she offers to pay for extra guests, include all the costs of the extra guests and make sure you get the $$ before you send out the invitations. Don't, under any circumstances, invite more guests than your venue will allow. Don't allow FMIL access to your invitations.


    This. 

    Since your dad is paying for your wedding, he gets the final say. Your FMIL does not get to demand how many guests she would like invited. While you do not have to have equal numbers from each side, any guests invited should be who you and your FI want there.

    FI is going to have to get very firm with his mother. You and FI need to sit down and create your guest list, if after also discussing with your dad, there is any space left over you can tell FMIL, "Please give us a list of X names by Y date". And that is that. 
  • This is so funny. I accidentally deleted it oh my gosh! So sorry to cause such a scene. And I picked the venue first because there is only one venue in my town! No choices!
  • This is so funny. I accidentally deleted it oh my gosh! So sorry to cause such a scene. And I picked the venue first because there is only one venue in my town! No choices!
    Are there no towns nearby with venues? Many people have weddings in different towns than the ones they live in....you probably have plenty of venues within a 20-30 minute drive.
  • Welcome to the Difficult FMIL Club!  I certainly am not a founder, but I am a proud member.

    First and foremost, even if it feels like he may lose the battle at times, it's super important that your FI is the one broaching this with his mom.  I would just encourage him to practice his bean dip before the next conversation.  The bean dip is when you change the conversation.  "Mom, I appreciate that you are excited, but 80 guests is what FFIL can afford, and that is the end of the conversation.  How did you like the bean dip?"

    If your venue can hold additional capacity, and you and FI are comfortable with it, you can allow her to add guests that she pays for.  But don't count on her contribution until you have money in hand, otherwise you (or your dad) could be on the hook for her additional guests.

    Has your FI looked at her two hundy and made his choices?  If so, where there people he wished he could have added?
    image
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