Vent: Friend upset she wasn't invited to Bachelorette

arrrghmatey

I just need to vent for a moment, since all is said and done and I don't plan on doing anything about it.

Word got back to me that a friend of mine was upset that she wasn't invited to my Bachelorette Party.

A couple of weekends ago, I had my Bachelorette Party which my two local bridesmaids offered to throw for me. They had asked me for ideas of what I would like to do and who I would like to invite. The decided agenda and activities consisted of going to the nearby big city, have a themed dance class (Michael Jackson, whoo!), then get dressed up for a nice dinner out at a restaurant I've always wanted to go to, followed by going to some neat bars I had also always wanted to check out. Then we would spend the night in the city at the hotel and have breakfast the next morning. Perfect.

Locally, there's a group of friends that consist of 9 girls. We will all get together for big events, but most of the time we form smaller of pockets of friends when it comes to hanging out more often. Some of us are closer to some than others. And I didn't want to invite everyone to my Bachelorette. I wanted to keep the guest list small and intimate. No more than 5 or 6 people, not only for logistical reasons (we only needed one hotel room, easier to fit less people in an Uber or cab, easier to get into the bars), but I'm just not as close with some of the other girls. And some have big, high-maintenance personalities that I (and the other girls) did not want to deal with that evening. Since my other 3 bridesmaids lived out of town and wouldn't be able to attend, I opted to have my two local bridesmaids and two of my other girlfriends to whom I'm pretty close to. So this meant 3 girls in our larger group were not invited. I felt okay with this decision because I'm not as close with them, and the activities we were doing (dance class, the genre of restaurant) were not something those girls would have enjoyed--they've complained about taking a dance class at another BP in the past so I know they wouldn't have enjoyed it.

One of the girls who was not invited (I'll call her Sadie), found out the day of that we were out celebrating my Bachelorette, and started griping via text to one of the friends who I did invite. And Sadie supposedly complained and whined about it to the other two girls who were not invited (from what I heard, they didn't care so much). Sadie is the type of girl who feels like she needs to be included in *everything* and hates missing out on social events. But she can't seem to understand that she is not going to be invited to everything--especially since a lot of us can only take her in small doses. She claimed she wanted to buy me a drink to celebrate. When the friend she was complaining to suggested "We could always get together for a Happy Hour at a later day, if you want." Sadie replied with "I don't think so. She's made it perfectly clear how she feels about me." Yet Sadie does countless events and activities and doesn't invite me or most of the other girls to half of those. And we've never complained about it.

TBL: I wanted a small BP with my nearest and dearest, which meant I didn't invite everyone. And I'll be honest: I didn't want Sadie there. She complains a lot, is high maintenance, and would be shoving shots in everyone's faces all night. I specifically told the girls that for the BP I did NOT want to do shots and wake up feeling awful the next morning. So yes, Sadie. You weren't invited. For a reason. But accept that you won't be invited to everything.

lnixon8

Is it such a bad thing that she doesn't want to get together with you anymore? It sounds like this friendship has run it's course.

GlamQueenBride

Honestly, I think you're being way melodramatic about this whole thing. So one of your friends wanted to celebrate you and she wasn't able to. Why are you so pissed off about it? If one of my friends was bummed that she wasn't invited to my bachelorette, which is a celebration of me, I'd be telling her "friend, why don't we get together some other time?" I wouldn't be blaming her for being upset she wasn't invited.

You sound like you really don't even like Sadie, so why not just let the friendship go? Maybe she thinks of you as a friend, but I honestly think your post suggests that you don't think that highly of her.

climbingsingle

One of the best things I've learned in my 30s - there's no reason to keep being friends with people that you don't enjoy spending time with. I also think you are way overreacting about this. So she's upset she wasn't invited. Oh well. You don't seem to care much for this girl, so why continue being friends with her? 

6fsn

Her feelings were hurt.  Plain and simple.  If my feelings were hurt about something, especially someone I thought was a friend, I'd be complaining to other friends too.

short+sassy

I understand why you are a little upset.  It's never fun to hear about someone complaining about something you said/did.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I would let this go.

She was upset she wasn't invited.  From her POV, I can see why she feels the ways she does...though you were 100% in the right in your reasons for not including her.  She should have had a short pity party for herself and then gotten over it.  But instead, she complained to others.  It wasn't right of her to do that, but I also don't think it is that big of a deal.  Most of us are guilty of something like that at some point in time.

I'd just pretend I never heard her whining and treat her and her friendship like I always have.

JediElizabeth

Ughhh....I can totally understand wanting to vent about this. In the same place, I'd be majorly venting to my fiance - and then once it was off my chest, I'd probably forget about it. Hopefully you can do the same now.

If not, PPs are right, and the friendship may have run its course - though it's hard to disconnect from someone you have to see in social settings. Maybe it's time someone tells this girl she's a PITA, if everyone in your group is getting fed up by her behavior. She may even learn something from the conversation.

GlamQueenBride

JediElizabeth said:

Ughhh....I can totally understand wanting to vent about this. In the same place, I'd be majorly venting to my fiance - and then once it was off my chest, I'd probably forget about it. Hopefully you can do the same now.

If not, PPs are right, and the friendship may have run its course - though it's hard to disconnect from someone you have to see in social settings. Maybe it's time someone tells this girl she's a PITA, if everyone in your group is getting fed up by her behavior. She may even learn something from the conversation.

What good would that do, except serve to hurt her feelings? So she's upset she wasn't invited to a party everyone else in their social circle was. So she likes to be included in everything. This is a personality issue, not a PITA issue. If you don't like her personality, then let the friendship die. There's no point in intentionally hurting her just because you don't like her personality.

JediElizabeth

GlamQueenBride said:

JediElizabeth said:

Ughhh....I can totally understand wanting to vent about this. In the same place, I'd be majorly venting to my fiance - and then once it was off my chest, I'd probably forget about it. Hopefully you can do the same now.

If not, PPs are right, and the friendship may have run its course - though it's hard to disconnect from someone you have to see in social settings. Maybe it's time someone tells this girl she's a PITA, if everyone in your group is getting fed up by her behavior. She may even learn something from the conversation.

What good would that do, except serve to hurt her feelings? So she's upset she wasn't invited to a party everyone else in their social circle was. So she likes to be included in everything. This is a personality issue, not a PITA issue. If you don't like her personality, then let the friendship die. There's no point in intentionally hurting her just because you don't like her personality.

I wasn't 100% clear on that from the OP. It sounded like the whole friend group is getting tired of her ("big, high-maintenance personalities that I (and the other girls) did not want to deal with", "a lot of us can only take her in small doses"). If it's only a handful of girls that think that way, then yes, it's a personality issue - and honestly the friend group should probably split in half. 

But if I had 8 friends who all talked bad about me behind my back because they thought I was high maintenance and they couldn't deal with me, I'd probably appreciate it if someone told me why they weren't hanging out with me anymore before dropping me. That's why I added the part I bolded & italicized. 

Edit: saying it nicely. "You're a pain in the ass" is counterproductive. "We feel like it's getting hard to hang out with you, because you have these expectations that we don't always fulfill, and we feel like you take it personally when we don't," is a more functional way to address the issue. I should have probably added that.

GlamQueenBride

JediElizabeth said:

GlamQueenBride said:

JediElizabeth said:

Ughhh....I can totally understand wanting to vent about this. In the same place, I'd be majorly venting to my fiance - and then once it was off my chest, I'd probably forget about it. Hopefully you can do the same now.

If not, PPs are right, and the friendship may have run its course - though it's hard to disconnect from someone you have to see in social settings. Maybe it's time someone tells this girl she's a PITA, if everyone in your group is getting fed up by her behavior. She may even learn something from the conversation.

What good would that do, except serve to hurt her feelings? So she's upset she wasn't invited to a party everyone else in their social circle was. So she likes to be included in everything. This is a personality issue, not a PITA issue. If you don't like her personality, then let the friendship die. There's no point in intentionally hurting her just because you don't like her personality.

I wasn't 100% clear on that from the OP. It sounded like the whole friend group is getting tired of her ("big, high-maintenance personalities that I (and the other girls) did not want to deal with", "a lot of us can only take her in small doses"). If it's only a handful of girls that think that way, then yes, it's a personality issue - and honestly the friend group should probably split in half. 

But if I had 8 friends who all talked bad about me behind my back because they thought I was high maintenance and they couldn't deal with me, I'd probably appreciate it if someone told me why they weren't hanging out with me anymore before dropping me. That's why I added the part I bolded & italicized. 

Edit: saying it nicely. "You're a pain in the ass" is counterproductive. "We feel like it's getting hard to hang out with you, because you have these expectations that we don't always fulfill, and we feel like you take it personally when we don't," is a more functional way to address the issue. I should have probably added that.

There's a lot of unknown here, in my opinion. Just because the OP says the other girls feel like she does doesn't mean that's completely true. We don't know how the other girls feel. We just know how the OP interprets their feelings and based on the fact that the OP came here in full drama queen mode pissed off that one of her friends was upset she didn't get invited to a party celebrating her, I'm willing to bet she isn't gauging the whole thing objectively.

I still fail to see the crime Sadie committed, frankly. The OP came here to get validation for her vent, but her vent boils down to "a girl I know thinks she's my friend and wanted to celebrate me and I didn't let her because I really don't like her but I'm still pretending to be her friend and now she feels left out and upset and doesn't understand why I'm right and she's wrong." Pretty callous coming from a so-called friend, in my opinion.

JediElizabeth

GlamQueenBride said:

JediElizabeth said:

GlamQueenBride said:

JediElizabeth said:

Ughhh....I can totally understand wanting to vent about this. In the same place, I'd be majorly venting to my fiance - and then once it was off my chest, I'd probably forget about it. Hopefully you can do the same now.

If not, PPs are right, and the friendship may have run its course - though it's hard to disconnect from someone you have to see in social settings. Maybe it's time someone tells this girl she's a PITA, if everyone in your group is getting fed up by her behavior. She may even learn something from the conversation.

What good would that do, except serve to hurt her feelings? So she's upset she wasn't invited to a party everyone else in their social circle was. So she likes to be included in everything. This is a personality issue, not a PITA issue. If you don't like her personality, then let the friendship die. There's no point in intentionally hurting her just because you don't like her personality.

I wasn't 100% clear on that from the OP. It sounded like the whole friend group is getting tired of her ("big, high-maintenance personalities that I (and the other girls) did not want to deal with", "a lot of us can only take her in small doses"). If it's only a handful of girls that think that way, then yes, it's a personality issue - and honestly the friend group should probably split in half. 

But if I had 8 friends who all talked bad about me behind my back because they thought I was high maintenance and they couldn't deal with me, I'd probably appreciate it if someone told me why they weren't hanging out with me anymore before dropping me. That's why I added the part I bolded & italicized. 

Edit: saying it nicely. "You're a pain in the ass" is counterproductive. "We feel like it's getting hard to hang out with you, because you have these expectations that we don't always fulfill, and we feel like you take it personally when we don't," is a more functional way to address the issue. I should have probably added that.

There's a lot of unknown here, in my opinion. Just because the OP says the other girls feel like she does doesn't mean that's completely true. We don't know how the other girls feel. We just know how the OP interprets their feelings and based on the fact that the OP came here in full drama queen mode pissed off that one of her friends was upset she didn't get invited to a party celebrating her, I'm willing to bet she isn't gauging the whole thing objectively.

I still fail to see the crime Sadie committed, frankly. The OP came here to get validation for her vent, but her vent boils down to "a girl I know thinks she's my friend and wanted to celebrate me and I didn't let her because I really don't like her but I'm still pretending to be her friend and now she feels left out and upset and doesn't understand why I'm right and she's wrong." Pretty callous coming from a so-called friend, in my opinion.

You're right. The bolded is, of course, the problem. We don't know enough to make a judgement or give advice (which the OP wasn't asking for, to be fair. She was just hurt or angry and venting). The point of venting is to get all our bad, callous feelings out and get over them, because we all experience that sometimes. 

TBH, I understand being hurt about being left out of something. I also understand being hurt when you hear your friend was complaining about you. Neither are friendship killing experiences on their own, in my opinion, but the emotions do need to be dealt with, and venting is a healthy way to do that as long as you don't dwell. And you're right - it's not an objective way of looking at the world. I think the OP probably knew that herself when she said she just needed to vent, and that she wasn't looking to actually do anything about it.

And I, personally, would validate her need to vent. I've felt the same way, and I know that I dealt with the situation much better after getting my less objective thoughts and emotions out. Doing it in an anonymous forum is as good a place as any.

But, if this is an ongoing problem within the whole group....well then, that's a whole different story, and one that also makes sense in the context of this vent. And one that requires different advice.

But again, you're right: we just don't know.

GlamQueenBride

I understand the need to vent. I guess I just didn't see why this was turned into a whole thing. If you invite everyone in a social circle to something and leave ONE person out, of course that person will get her feelings hurt. Of course that person is going to express that hurt to someone. To hurt your friend by not including her then getting pissed off that your friend is hurt is not exactly friend behavior, in my opinion. Yes, there may be more to the story, but just based on what the OP said, I still don't understand why the OP is upset. Did she expect Sadie not to be upset she was the only one in their group excluded from such a special event? I don't get it.