Do I have to register?

Knottie82223823

My future mother-in-law is throwing me a bridal shower soon and is on my back to register for gifts.

My fiance and I are both in our thirties, own our home, and have already put together two households worth of stuff - we don't need anything (in fact we've thrown out and donated a lot of items in the last year). And if we do need something, I go buy it.

We are planning on buying a dishwasher and building a custom cabinet in the coming months so I told her that gift certificates to Home Depot would be really useful and much appreciated. She responded with "not everyone will want to get that and it's no fun to watch you open that."

I really don't want to sound like a spoiled brat - but I really have no desire to register for items that I won't use or will have to return later, just so that people can watch me open it and ooh and ahh. I would be quite happy just to have the company and to not receive gifts.

My fiance sat down last night and made an honest effort at trying to come up with something, but it just made me frustrated and angry.

What can I say to my future mother-in-law to get her to back off?

Maggie0829

Knottie82223823 said:

Ok. Then consider it an anything-else-except-for-a-shower.

My issue is (and in retrospect the title of my question isn't accurate) that this party is being thrown and I have been asked to make a registry and I don't feel I can adequately accommodate the request. I've tried many tactics to express this to my very generous future mother-in-law, but she is not accepting the response. What can I say to her?

But if she sent out "wedding shower" invites then everyone who is invited is expecting it to be a shower, meaning that they will be buying you gifts.

So either don't register and be prepared to graciously accept random gifts that you may or may not want/need. Or register for upgrades of items that you have now. Honestly, registering isn't that hard. One can always use new towels, sheets, blankets, tablecloths, place mats, home decor (wall art, knick knacks), etc. Maybe there is a set of dishes that you have been wanting but just haven't gotten around to buying. Maybe some fancy pillows for your sofa. A new bedspread for your bed.

Jen4948

Registering for gifts isn't required for a shower, or at all, actually.

But having agreed to a shower, you'll have to accept that you'll have to open wrapped gifts and graciously thank the givers for them. Gift cards aren't appropriate gifts for showers. That said, you are not required to keep any gifts you don't want. You can discreetly sell, give, or throw them away.

climbingsingle

Decline the shower. I didn't want a shower either, and my MIL tried to throw me one. I politely declined each time she offered. I didn't register for anything.

justsie

Knottie82223823 said:

My future mother-in-law is throwing me a bridal shower soon and is on my back to register for gifts.

My fiance and I are both in our thirties, own our home, and have already put together two households worth of stuff - we don't need anything (in fact we've thrown out and donated a lot of items in the last year). And if we do need something, I go buy it.

We are planning on buying a dishwasher and building a custom cabinet in the coming months so I told her that gift certificates to Home Depot would be really useful and much appreciated. She responded with "not everyone will want to get that and it's no fun to watch you open that."

I really don't want to sound like a spoiled brat - but I really have no desire to register for items that I won't use or will have to return later, just so that people can watch me open it and ooh and ahh. I would be quite happy just to have the company and to not receive gifts.

My fiance sat down last night and made an honest effort at trying to come up with something, but it just made me frustrated and angry.

What can I say to my future mother-in-law to get her to back off?

The bolded is the reason for a wedding shower, to open gifts in front of your guests so they can ooh and ahh. If you don't want to register for gifts, decline the shower and don't register.

Knottie82223823

Declining the shower is not an option. The party has been planned and the invitations were sent out before she approached me.

I'm going to have to disagree on the purpose of the wedding shower being to get gifts. I see it as a party to celebrate our upcoming marriage - for the first time with many of the guests since we did not have an engagement party.

In terms of the etiquette there are differing opinions. I've read quite a few sources that echo something along the lines of:

"The reason for this is there are already many parties centering one wedding. There is the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelor, bachelorette party, the wedding, the house warming etc.

To repeatedly invite guests seems like an open solicitation of gifts.

Presents should be accepted as mere tokens of congratulations. It should not be expected and to receive them is definitely not a "right"."

[Deleted User]

Knottie82223823 said:

Declining the shower is not an option. The party has been planned and the invitations were sent out before she approached me.

I'm going to have to disagree on the purpose of the wedding shower being to get gifts. I see it as a party to celebrate our upcoming marriage - for the first time with many of the guests since we did not have an engagement party.

In terms of the etiquette there are differing opinions. I've read quite a few sources that echo something along the lines of:

"The reason for this is there are already many parties centering one wedding. There is the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelor, bachelorette party, the wedding, the house warming etc.

To repeatedly invite guests seems like an open solicitation of gifts.

Presents should be accepted as mere tokens of congratulations. It should not be expected and to receive them is definitely not a "right"."

A "Shower" is a gift-giving event. If you don't want gifts, you can have a party, a tea, a picnic, a gathering, a anything-else-except-for-a-shower.

Knottie82223823

Ok. Then consider it an anything-else-except-for-a-shower.

My issue is (and in retrospect the title of my question isn't accurate) that this party is being thrown and I have been asked to make a registry and I don't feel I can adequately accommodate the request. I've tried many tactics to express this to my very generous future mother-in-law, but she is not accepting the response. What can I say to her?

Knottie82223823

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie82223823 said:

Ok. Then consider it an anything-else-except-for-a-shower.

My issue is (and in retrospect the title of my question isn't accurate) that this party is being thrown and I have been asked to make a registry and I don't feel I can adequately accommodate the request. I've tried many tactics to express this to my very generous future mother-in-law, but she is not accepting the response. What can I say to her?

But if she sent out "wedding shower" invites then everyone who is invited is expecting it to be a shower, meaning that they will be buying you gifts.

So either don't register and be prepared to graciously accept random gifts that you may or may not want/need. Or register for upgrades of items that you have now. Honestly, registering isn't that hard. One can always use new towels, sheets, blankets, tablecloths, place mats, home decor (wall art, knick knacks), etc. Maybe there is a set of dishes that you have been wanting but just haven't gotten around to buying. Maybe some fancy pillows for your sofa. A new bedspread for your bed.

Jen4948 said:

Registering for gifts isn't required for a shower, or at all, actually.

But having agreed to a shower, you'll have to accept that you'll have to open wrapped gifts and graciously thank the givers for them. Gift cards aren't appropriate gifts for showers. That said, you are not required to keep any gifts you don't want. You can discreetly sell, give, or throw them away.

Well, I wouldn't say I so much agreed to a shower as was told that there is one planned and I need to register...

That being said I take your point. I've spent the afternoon pondering it and I think that this shower is more for the benefit of my mother-in-law and her family and if she is insistent on a registry, then I'll make one.

Jen4948

Knottie82223823 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie82223823 said:

Ok. Then consider it an anything-else-except-for-a-shower.

My issue is (and in retrospect the title of my question isn't accurate) that this party is being thrown and I have been asked to make a registry and I don't feel I can adequately accommodate the request. I've tried many tactics to express this to my very generous future mother-in-law, but she is not accepting the response. What can I say to her?

Well, I wouldn't say I so much agreed to a shower as was told that there is one planned and I need to register...

That being said I take your point. I've spent the afternoon pondering it and I think that this shower is more for the benefit of my mother-in-law and her family and if she is insistent on a registry, then I'll make one.

I would only register for gifts if you really want them-not to satisfy a pushy FMIL. It is possible to have a shower without registering for gifts. Or, ask that this party not be a "shower" or gift-giving party and renamed accordingly.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

I don't buy for a minute that you were told there would be a shower after invites went out. After all, I'm sure she had to run dates by you. Look, if you don't register people are still getting you things but they will likely be things you don't need or want. Don't waste people's time and money like that. At least come up with some options on a registry.

The bolded is not necessarily the case and doesn't obligate the OP to register if she doesn't want to. So the guests will have to use their imaginations to select gifts rather than having them pre-selected. That's a first world problem?

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

I disagree. I think if you have a shower you should register. If I want to get something off the registry I can still do so.

No. People do not have to attend showers to give a gift off a registry; nor do people have to give gifts off a registry when attending a shower.

There is no etiquette link between the two. Showers have been held before registries were invented. Registering has always been strictly optional.