Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower Drama

My FMIL has offered to throw me a bridal shower in FI's hometown.FI and I have been dating for 6 years now, so I have become friends with the wives and girlfriends of his bridal party, and his immediate family (cousins, aunts, etc...)

His hometown is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live, so it makes sense for me to go to them as opposed to them coming to me. I wouldn't want to drive over 2 hours for a party that will last about 3 hours.

FMIL sent me a guest list and it has close to 40 woman on it. I know about 50% of the guest list, which are the friends and family I would like to invite. I asked her if we could possibly cut the list down some, and she says "it's small town politics" to invite EVERYONE and people would be upset and hurt if they were not invited. Also that she doesn't want anyone to talk bad about her or I and that they probably won't come anyways. I told her I don't want to look "gift grabby" by inviting people I don't know and people FI probably hasn't seen in years (they are invited to the wedding) and was told "it's what you do in a small town so you don't understand" She also wants to hire a professional photographer because "think of all the memories!"

FI asked me how the bridal shower planning was coming along, so I filled him in. He also does not think all these extra people should be invited and he does not like the idea of her hiring a photographer. He talked to her last night just to voice some concerns and she seemed understanding the first time he talked to her. She said the guest list is workable and her list was just a suggestion. Five minutes after their talk, she texted him and said maybe she shouldn't throw me a shower since it seems like I don't want one anyways because I don't want the whole town invited. He called her back and asked her why she was saying that if she just said something completely different? This back and forth went on for almost an hour (I have never been so happy to be at work) It ended with her texting us both saying she will not be responding to us for the rest of the night because she does not feel like being criticized anymore.....

Were we wrong in asking her to cut the list down a bit? I thought a shower was supposed to be close friends and family. We still have 4 months before the shower, so I'm not really sure why she's acting like this needs to be taken care of now. She is giving us the "it's all or nothing" vibe.....

WWTKD?

Re: Bridal Shower Drama

  • edited November 2015
    I would tread very, very lightly here. She is your FMIL and she is offering to throw you a shower. You could have declined. But since you didn't, you go with her politics. You don't know the family or the town, so if she tells you that these people need to be invited for this reason or that and SHE'S the one paying for them, I'm afraid you have to let her invite them. It's true that in some towns/social circles, there is a lot of politics and so-and-sos cousin will be offended that her sister was invited and she wasn't or whatnot. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be your problem and everyone would tell you to invite who you're close to and that's it, but she's paying and she's hosting, so she gets to choose the guest list.

    At this point, since you're already so far into it, I'd just let her do it, especially since these people are invited to the wedding as well.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited November 2015

    I would tread very, very lightly here. She is your FMIL and she is offering to throw you a shower. You could have declined. But since you didn't, you go with her politics. You don't know the family or the town, so if she tells you that these people need to be invited for this reason or that and SHE'S the one paying for them, I'm afraid you have to let her invite them. It's true that in some towns/social circles, there is a lot of politics and so-and-sos cousin will be offended that her sister was invited and she wasn't or whatnot. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be your problem and everyone would tell you to invite who you're close to and that's it, but she's paying and she's hosting, so she gets to choose the guest list.

    At this point, since you're already so far into it, I'd just let her do it, especially since these people are invited to the wedding as well.

    Sorry, but I disagree with your advice to "just let her do it." The OP didn't make it clear that all these people are also invited to the wedding. If any aren't, then it would be extremely rude for them to be invited to a shower for her. "Small town politics" doesn't justify their being invited to a shower if they're not invited to the wedding. That would be a big red flag for me. Not to mention, what will make them "talk bad" about her would be if they were invited to a shower without being invited to the wedding, and "they won't come anyways" means they shouldn't be invited to begin with.

    That said, I don't see a problem with the OP's FMIL having a professional photographer there unless too much of the event winds up being posing for photos. That's if she still wants to do this after her hissy fit-and that's assuming the OP is still okay with her FMIL hosting anything for her after this.
    InLoveInQueens
  • My FMIL has offered to throw me a bridal shower in FI's hometown.FI and I have been dating for 6 years now, so I have become friends with the wives and girlfriends of his bridal party, and his immediate family (cousins, aunts, etc...)

    His hometown is about 2 1/2 hours from where we live, so it makes sense for me to go to them as opposed to them coming to me. I wouldn't want to drive over 2 hours for a party that will last about 3 hours.

    FMIL sent me a guest list and it has close to 40 woman on it. I know about 50% of the guest list, which are the friends and family I would like to invite. I asked her if we could possibly cut the list down some, and she says "it's small town politics" to invite EVERYONE and people would be upset and hurt if they were not invited. Also that she doesn't want anyone to talk bad about her or I and that they probably won't come anyways. I told her I don't want to look "gift grabby" by inviting people I don't know and people FI probably hasn't seen in years (they are invited to the wedding) and was told "it's what you do in a small town so you don't understand" She also wants to hire a professional photographer because "think of all the memories!"

    FI asked me how the bridal shower planning was coming along, so I filled him in. He also does not think all these extra people should be invited and he does not like the idea of her hiring a photographer. He talked to her last night just to voice some concerns and she seemed understanding the first time he talked to her. She said the guest list is workable and her list was just a suggestion. Five minutes after their talk, she texted him and said maybe she shouldn't throw me a shower since it seems like I don't want one anyways because I don't want the whole town invited. He called her back and asked her why she was saying that if she just said something completely different? This back and forth went on for almost an hour (I have never been so happy to be at work) It ended with her texting us both saying she will not be responding to us for the rest of the night because she does not feel like being criticized anymore.....

    Were we wrong in asking her to cut the list down a bit? I thought a shower was supposed to be close friends and family. We still have 4 months before the shower, so I'm not really sure why she's acting like this needs to be taken care of now. She is giving us the "it's all or nothing" vibe.....

    WWTKD?

    If she's hosting it, I don't see the big deal with just letting her do it. If everyone on the shower guest list is also invited to the wedding, you're fine. My concern stems from the fact that she seems to believe that it's her way or the highway and she won't even listen to your concerns. She gonna get pissy and refuse to speak to you when you decide to have Thanksgiving with your family? Or if you decide not to baptize your child at her church? I think you need to tread lightly here and at least be sure you're being heard. Then, if she wants to throw you biggest fucking shower ever heard of in her town, then just let her. It's her money.
  • Jen4948 said:

    I would tread very, very lightly here. She is your FMIL and she is offering to throw you a shower. You could have declined. But since you didn't, you go with her politics. You don't know the family or the town, so if she tells you that these people need to be invited for this reason or that and SHE'S the one paying for them, I'm afraid you have to let her invite them. It's true that in some towns/social circles, there is a lot of politics and so-and-sos cousin will be offended that her sister was invited and she wasn't or whatnot. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be your problem and everyone would tell you to invite who you're close to and that's it, but she's paying and she's hosting, so she gets to choose the guest list.

    At this point, since you're already so far into it, I'd just let her do it, especially since these people are invited to the wedding as well.

    Sorry, but I disagree with your advice to "just let her do it." The OP didn't make it clear that all these people are also invited to the wedding. If any aren't, then it would be extremely rude for them to be invited to a shower for her. "Small town politics" doesn't justify their being invited to a shower if they're not invited to the wedding. That would be a big red flag for me. Not to mention, what will make them "talk bad" about her would be if they were invited to a shower without being invited to the wedding, and "they won't come anyways" means they shouldn't be invited to begin with.

    That said, I don't see a problem with the OP's FMIL having a professional photographer there unless too much of the event winds up being posing for photos. That's if she still wants to do this after her hissy fit-and that's assuming the OP is still okay with her FMIL hosting anything for her after this.
    Yes, she did say they were invited to the wedding. Just read her original post. She clearly says: I don't know and people FI probably hasn't seen in years (they are invited to the wedding) and was told "it's what you do in a small town so you don't understand"

    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited November 2015

    Jen4948 said:

    I would tread very, very lightly here. She is your FMIL and she is offering to throw you a shower. You could have declined. But since you didn't, you go with her politics. You don't know the family or the town, so if she tells you that these people need to be invited for this reason or that and SHE'S the one paying for them, I'm afraid you have to let her invite them. It's true that in some towns/social circles, there is a lot of politics and so-and-sos cousin will be offended that her sister was invited and she wasn't or whatnot. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be your problem and everyone would tell you to invite who you're close to and that's it, but she's paying and she's hosting, so she gets to choose the guest list.

    At this point, since you're already so far into it, I'd just let her do it, especially since these people are invited to the wedding as well.

    Sorry, but I disagree with your advice to "just let her do it." The OP didn't make it clear that all these people are also invited to the wedding. If any aren't, then it would be extremely rude for them to be invited to a shower for her. "Small town politics" doesn't justify their being invited to a shower if they're not invited to the wedding. That would be a big red flag for me. Not to mention, what will make them "talk bad" about her would be if they were invited to a shower without being invited to the wedding, and "they won't come anyways" means they shouldn't be invited to begin with.

    That said, I don't see a problem with the OP's FMIL having a professional photographer there unless too much of the event winds up being posing for photos. That's if she still wants to do this after her hissy fit-and that's assuming the OP is still okay with her FMIL hosting anything for her after this.
    Yes, she did say they were invited to the wedding. Just read her original post. She clearly says: I don't know and people FI probably hasn't seen in years (they are invited to the wedding) and was told "it's what you do in a small town so you don't understand"

    Small town or no, I still disagree with your advice. The fact that she wants to invite people for "small town politics" suggests that they shouldn't be invited because they're not really friends or otherwise close to either the FMIL or her family. Invitations to anything should be because the pleasure of the company of the guests is truly wanted - not tit for tat. If the FMIL is inviting any of these people because she thinks she owes them "political" favors, she needs to find some other way to reciprocate.

    Not to mention, her drama-queen hissy fit when someone disagrees with what she wants to do, right after she agreed to compromise, shows that she's not someone who should be hosting anything for anyone!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited November 2015

    Jen4948 said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I would tread very, very lightly here. She is your FMIL and she is offering to throw you a shower. You could have declined. But since you didn't, you go with her politics. You don't know the family or the town, so if she tells you that these people need to be invited for this reason or that and SHE'S the one paying for them, I'm afraid you have to let her invite them. It's true that in some towns/social circles, there is a lot of politics and so-and-sos cousin will be offended that her sister was invited and she wasn't or whatnot. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be your problem and everyone would tell you to invite who you're close to and that's it, but she's paying and she's hosting, so she gets to choose the guest list.

    At this point, since you're already so far into it, I'd just let her do it, especially since these people are invited to the wedding as well.

    Sorry, but I disagree with your advice to "just let her do it." The OP didn't make it clear that all these people are also invited to the wedding. If any aren't, then it would be extremely rude for them to be invited to a shower for her. "Small town politics" doesn't justify their being invited to a shower if they're not invited to the wedding. That would be a big red flag for me. Not to mention, what will make them "talk bad" about her would be if they were invited to a shower without being invited to the wedding, and "they won't come anyways" means they shouldn't be invited to begin with.

    That said, I don't see a problem with the OP's FMIL having a professional photographer there unless too much of the event winds up being posing for photos. That's if she still wants to do this after her hissy fit-and that's assuming the OP is still okay with her FMIL hosting anything for her after this.
    Yes, she did say they were invited to the wedding. Just read her original post. She clearly says: I don't know and people FI probably hasn't seen in years (they are invited to the wedding) and was told "it's what you do in a small town so you don't understand"

    Small town or no, I still disagree with your advice. The fact that she wants to invite people for "small town politics" suggests that they shouldn't be invited because they're not really friends or otherwise close to either the FMIL or her family. Invitations to anything should be because the pleasure of the company of the guests is truly wanted - not tit for tat. If the FMIL thinks she owes these people "political" favors, she needs to find some other way to reciprocate.
    If she pays, she gets to decide who to invite. If the bride doesn't like it, she's free to decline the shower altogether, but not free to decide the guest list of a shower the MIL is paying for. Simple as that.

    And if you don't think some amount of politics goes into family invitations at ANY wedding that the parents are paying for, you're naive.
    I know fucking well there's some amount of politics in every guest list, so knock off the name-calling.

    If it weren't for this FMIL's hissy fits, which occur right after she agreed to a compromise, I actually might agree with just letting her host whatever she wants with whoever she wants on the guest list, but her drama-queen act cancelled out any support from me for the position that as the hostess she should have total and only say over an event she's throwing ostensibly for someone else. Clearly she is doing this to satisfy her own ego and whatever the OP wants, if it matters to her at all, is low priority.

    Sorry, but I do think that if you're hosting an event FOR someone else, you do not get to play the "my way or the highway" game with the guest list. You don't use it to play "small town politics."
    spockforprezMGP
  • edited November 2015
    When someone offers to host something for you, you don't have to accept. You can decline, end of problem. When you accept, then you also accept a party the way that person wants it since he/she is paying. This is really not all that complicated.

    Every party, shower, whatever, hosted by someone else has strings attached and most of the time, it's political. Parents want to show off their kids, families want to keep family peace, whatever. It's all politics. The OP shouldn't have accepted. Now that she has, if the MIL still wants to hold the shower and she still wants the shower to take place, then she know what she's getting into.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    When someone offers to host something for you, you don't have to accept. You can decline, end of problem. When you accept, then you also accept a party the way that person wants it since he/she is paying. This is really not all that complicated.

    Every party, shower, whatever, hosted by someone else has strings attached and most of the time, it's political. Parents want to show off their kids, families want to keep family peace, whatever. It's all politics. The OP shouldn't have accepted. Now that she has, if the MIL still wants to hold the shower and she still wants the shower to take place, then she know what she's getting into.

    I doubt either of them wants to do it now. Just as well. The OP might have dodged a bullet.
  • Thank you ladies. If I would have known asking her to "possibly cut down the list" would have started any kind of feud, I wouldn't have done it. I honestly thought I was looking too "it's my party, buy me gifts!"

    I think FI and I are just upset that we voiced our concerns, she said "okay, we can discuss" and within 5 minutes she changed her mind. We're all adults and should have been able to talk like adults. We are giving her a day or two, and us also, to just breath. I will call her later this week and see if we can talk like two adults. I don't want her to think she can walk all over us, but I also don't want to start some kind of family feud over a bridal shower guest list.

    If it's that important for her to have a big party, she can have it and I will happily attend. We will just make sure for future reference to host any and parties we want control of the guest list for.
    Jen4948ILoveBeachMusicpoodledoodleoooMairePoppy
  • If I were the OP, I'd decline the offer now. Say something like, "It is so kind and generous of you to offer to throw me this shower. I'm just uncomfortable with the large guest list of people that are strangers to me. A shower is for the sole purpose of showing the bride with gifts, so for people who don't know me to do that, it's just weird. You've been so generous to offer this but I think it's best to just not have it." (Perhaps someone else can provide more eloquent wording.)

    Look, I declined a shower by my MIL too. It was my husband that told his mom to stop planning, because even though I technically declined, she was going to plan one anyway. She was upset but got over it.

    Bear in mind, however, that if you do this, my opinion is you're probably best off declining any offer a shower from anyone else, lest shit get competitive and she feels bad that someone offered you a better deal or something else ridiculous.


    My mom is also throwing me a shower, so I agree with you on this. If FMIL says "I'm out" then that's it, I won't argue. I think she may be acting like this because when FBIL got married, she had zero say in anything. While she is not helping us plan the wedding, I have asked her opinion on a few things because I know how left out she felt with FBIL. Her opinions have been welcomed and she hasn't stepped over any lines, so I didn't think this would have been any different. Who knows, maybe she was just having a really bad day and didn't handle it well. She has been a part of my life and will continue to be in it, so I will tread lightly, but not enough to not be heard.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
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    If I were the OP, I'd decline the offer now. Say something like, "It is so kind and generous of you to offer to throw me this shower. I'm just uncomfortable with the large guest list of people that are strangers to me. A shower is for the sole purpose of showing the bride with gifts, so for people who don't know me to do that, it's just weird. You've been so generous to offer this but I think it's best to just not have it." (Perhaps someone else can provide more eloquent wording.)

    Look, I declined a shower by my MIL too. It was my husband that told his mom to stop planning, because even though I technically declined, she was going to plan one anyway. She was upset but got over it.

    Bear in mind, however, that if you do this, my opinion is you're probably best off declining any offer a shower from anyone else, lest shit get competitive and she feels bad that someone offered you a better deal or something else ridiculous.

    This, for sure.

    You're right that inviting people you don't know comes off gift grabby. And yes, it primarily reflects badly on the FMIL, but also on your FI and you.

    I think you're probably best to just skip this shower altogether. It's a shame that FMIL doesn't want to work with you on guest list (brides usually do have a say in the shower guest list, within the size approved by the host), but if it's her way or the highway, it's best not to kowtow.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    Thank you ladies. If I would have known asking her to "possibly cut down the list" would have started any kind of feud, I wouldn't have done it. I honestly thought I was looking too "it's my party, buy me gifts!"

    I think FI and I are just upset that we voiced our concerns, she said "okay, we can discuss" and within 5 minutes she changed her mind. We're all adults and should have been able to talk like adults. We are giving her a day or two, and us also, to just breath. I will call her later this week and see if we can talk like two adults. I don't want her to think she can walk all over us, but I also don't want to start some kind of family feud over a bridal shower guest list.

    If it's that important for her to have a big party, she can have it and I will happily attend. We will just make sure for future reference to host any and parties we want control of the guest list for.

    A few thoughts ....
    Stop using text messages to have these conversations. There are too many emotions here and things can easily be mis-read.

    I agree with PPs that inviting people you don't know (but are still invited to the wedding) can come across as gift-grabby. Earlier this year, I got an invitation to a shower for the fiance of one of H's cousins. I was honestly so confused because the shower simply said it was in honor of "Sue Jones" and I had no idea who "Sue Jones" was. I didn't realize who it was until I looked at the registry and saw her FI (now H's) name. H isn't close to this cousin at all, and I met him very briefly at our wedding (he tried to grind up on me while we were all dancing .... ew.). So, I was definitely put-off by the idea that my first chance to meet this woman was at an event where I am expected to bring her a gift. H explained that his aunt ("Sue's" FMIL) was likely the one who made the guest list because she likes to make an event out of things like this.

    You can't control how people feel / react. This situation honestly sounds like a damned if you do / damned if you don't scenario. Just go with the flow, be gracious, and make sure that the invite list only includes women invited to the wedding..



    Anniversary
  • IMO a shower has more than one purpose. While it is an opportunity for your guests to shower you with gifts, it is an opportunity for some guests to meet you.  Frankly, I hate meeting part of the couple at the wedding as they walk around from table to table, which is how I met my current boss's wife....For my family, the shower has always been an opportunity for us to meet my cousins' future wives.  I've not considered it gift grabby, but my family is large and all grew up together, so we've been close.  It's more of a case by case situation.  If I were invited to a colleague's future wife's shower, I would think it's a bit gift grabby.

    My FI's family hosted a shower for us.  FI's family is 6 hours away, and we've only been up a few times.  FI's aunt hosted it, and invited people from their list. I had little notice and only knew my 14 year old FSIL. It was a tad overwhelming, but I appreciated getting to meet other people who love my FI.  I don't get to spend time with people who love him as much as I would like (excluding my friends and family).

    This is a difficult time and a tough situation. I would not bring it up again until/if she does.  It sounds like you have plenty of time.  If I were you, I would have your mom put hers on hold.  If your FMIL doesn't bring it up again or says she doesn't want to do it, I would say pass on your mom's shower too.  The last thing you need are the mothers competing/having hurt feelings. If your FMIL offers to still do it, you will have to decide whether or not to accept.  If you accept, you have to play by her rules.  If you refuse her offer, don't have your mom do one.

    Frankly, she is the one who was hosting the shower.  The host gets to decide the guest list, within reason.  You would be the guest of honor at your FMIL's party. While brides typically do get a say, I wouldn't have said anything as long as they were on the wedding guest list.  She understands her portion of the guest list better than you do.  It could go along with the "invite in circles" theme.

    This is an opportunity for your FMIL to do something special for you.  She probably feels that she is contributing more if she goes over the top with some things.  So what if she wants to hire a photographer. The photos aren't just for you; they're for her too.  I don't think it's a hill worth dying on.  You're a special person to her, and she wants you to know that.

    Best of luck.  Family politics is never fun.

  • Jen4948 said:
    VicTim328 said:
    IMO a shower has more than one purpose. While it is an opportunity for your guests to shower you with gifts, it is an opportunity for some guests to meet you.  Frankly, I hate meeting part of the couple at the wedding as they walk around from table to table, which is how I met my current boss's wife....For my family, the shower has always been an opportunity for us to meet my cousins' future wives.  I've not considered it gift grabby, but my family is large and all grew up together, so we've been close.  It's more of a case by case situation.  If I were invited to a colleague's future wife's shower, I would think it's a bit gift grabby.

    My FI's family hosted a shower for us.  FI's family is 6 hours away, and we've only been up a few times.  FI's aunt hosted it, and invited people from their list. I had little notice and only knew my 14 year old FSIL. It was a tad overwhelming, but I appreciated getting to meet other people who love my FI.  I don't get to spend time with people who love him as much as I would like (excluding my friends and family).

    This is a difficult time and a tough situation. I would not bring it up again until/if she does.  It sounds like you have plenty of time.  If I were you, I would have your mom put hers on hold.  If your FMIL doesn't bring it up again or says she doesn't want to do it, I would say pass on your mom's shower too.  The last thing you need are the mothers competing/having hurt feelings. If your FMIL offers to still do it, you will have to decide whether or not to accept.  If you accept, you have to play by her rules.  If you refuse her offer, don't have your mom do one.

    Frankly, she is the one who was hosting the shower.  The host gets to decide the guest list, within reason.  You would be the guest of honor at your FMIL's party. While brides typically do get a say, I wouldn't have said anything as long as they were on the wedding guest list.  She understands her portion of the guest list better than you do.  It could go along with the "invite in circles" theme.

    This is an opportunity for your FMIL to do something special for you.  She probably feels that she is contributing more if she goes over the top with some things.  So what if she wants to hire a photographer. The photos aren't just for you; they're for her too.  I don't think it's a hill worth dying on.  You're a special person to her, and she wants you to know that.

    Best of luck.  Family politics is never fun.

    I don't agree with the bolded.  An event not billed as a "shower" or connected with a wedding might be a good time for the honoree to meet other people, but it does come across as grabby to meet someone for the first time at an event where you are intended to receive gifts from them.

    If the host gets to decide the guest list, within reason, then putting people on the guest list for a gift-giving event who don't even know the honoree and aren't likely to come isn't "within reason."  It comes across as "doing something for FMIL for 'family politics' but not as "doing something special for you." 

    This. The sole purpose of a shower is to give the bride gifts. If the FMIL wants to host some other event for the OP's FI's family to meet her, that's fine. But doing it at a shower is gift grabby. 
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    [Deleted User]MGPInLoveInQueens
  • edited November 2015
    If you otherwise have a good relationship with your FMIL take a few days, cool down, and bring it up again. There were good suggestions above on how and what to say. I think you need to decide what's most important to you and FI; is it having a smaller shower with only people you know (but upsetting FMIL) or is it keeping the peace with FMIL.

    I disagreed with my mom over lists for everything. She wanted to invite everyone she knew and I was so worried about looking gift grabby. We compromised a bit, but it was really important to her to invite people she knew and was close to and tried to assure me since she was the host it wouldn't look bad on me. I hope she was right.

    And for the photographer, I wish I had one! I have no pictures of my shower because everyone was too busy having fun (we had an evening shower with lots of wine and food).
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
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    I don't know if this was brought up or not, but another option you could do as a compromise would be a bridal tea, which is not a gift giving event, and instead is meant as an event to mingle with the bride for brunch. That way you wouldn't feel like you were shutting down FMIL, FMIL invites who she wants, and you don't look gift grabby.  It's just something else you could consider.   


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    levioosa said:

    I don't know if this was brought up or not, but another option you could do as a compromise would be a bridal tea, which is not a gift giving event, and instead is meant as an event to mingle with the bride for brunch. That way you wouldn't feel like you were shutting down FMIL, FMIL invites who she wants, and you don't look gift grabby.  It's just something else you could consider.   

    I like this idea.
  • So glad that things worked out for the OP. Can someone please enlighten me because I am genuinely curious - is the entitlement really that strong in small towns? Is there just not anything to do but insert yourself into other people's milestone events? There have been plenty of posts similar to this about expected invitations and hurt feelings if doesn't happen. Is this really a thing or is it embellished for these boards?

    Signed,
    A Very Curious Suburbanite
  • Thank you ladies for all your wonderful suggestions! FMIL called us last night and apologized for overreacting. She said I can bring down the list to whoever I want. Since the shower will not be until March, I am not going to worry about it for a while. But, @charlotte989875, you pretty much hit on what FI and I are thinking about....we rather keep the peace with FMIL. I'm going  to look at the big picture....less than 6 months until I get marry my best friend.


    Again, thank you ladies for all your suggestions! I definetly needed an outsiders take on this.

    Since she's the hostess and paying, she can invite whomever she wants...  Small town politics can sometimes easily trump some aspects of etiquette, especially in some small towns where Emily Post doesn't exist but you can bet your sweet nothings if Gravel Gertie isn't invited there'll be social heck to pay for the next five to fifty years!  Obviously, you likely can't invite everyone to the shower and your wedding and that's the one aspect of communicating with MIL will be important so that she knows to let those know on the list who aren't invited to the wedding so they know ahead of time the situation (knowing ahead of the shower diffuses A LOT!).  I'd be more concerned about that aspect of the invitations being extended than the who she's choosing to invite and introduce you to in the community. 

    That said - be aware that this may be something you'll have to deal with again when it comes time for things like the potential for a baby shower down the road so coming to a peaceful agreement now is probably in your long-term best interests.  Odd as it sounds, this is going to set the tone for the future.  Choose your battles wisely, informed invitations aren't a hill to die on. 

    Also, on things like this, when it appears the texts are going to head down a certain path, pick up the phone, do not let it fester!  Chances are it'll be resolved in minutes instead of a texting back and forth for hours that solves nothing, leads to hard feelings, and miscommunications. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • MGP said:
    So glad that things worked out for the OP. Can someone please enlighten me because I am genuinely curious - is the entitlement really that strong in small towns? Is there just not anything to do but insert yourself into other people's milestone events? There have been plenty of posts similar to this about expected invitations and hurt feelings if doesn't happen. Is this really a thing or is it embellished for these boards? Signed, A Very Curious Suburbanite
    Depends entirely on the social circle. This entitlement of being invited can happen anywhere and social politics exist no matter where you are in certain circles (usually in socialite circles). It's not a small town thing.
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    MGP said:
    So glad that things worked out for the OP. Can someone please enlighten me because I am genuinely curious - is the entitlement really that strong in small towns? Is there just not anything to do but insert yourself into other people's milestone events? There have been plenty of posts similar to this about expected invitations and hurt feelings if doesn't happen. Is this really a thing or is it embellished for these boards? Signed, A Very Curious Suburbanite
    Depends entirely on the social circle. This entitlement of being invited can happen anywhere and social politics exist no matter where you are in certain circles (usually in socialite circles). It's not a small town thing.
    I have a close friend who grew up in a suburb and all the women in "the neighborhood" just HAD to be invited to both the wedding and the bridal shower. Even though the bride herself had been living away from home for 10 years by the time her wedding rolled around and barely ever saw these people, all those people just HAD to be invited. Why? "I have gone to all their daughters' showers and bought them gifts and now it's time for MY daughter to have that experience."
    (Luckily there was the budget to accommodate all these people, but still.) And that's not the only person I know with that experience, but the one that stands out the most.
    Because, you know, tit-for-tat. 
    ________________________________


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2015

    I really wonder how much all those women really care on an individual basis about attending all those events they wouldn't otherwise be invited to except for "politics."  It's so much bullshit because nobody is entitled to gifts.

    Edited to add: Have any of these "small town" or "circle" women ever actually expressed hurt feelings at not being invited to someone's milestone event, or is it just assumed that they will have hurt feelings over not being invited?

    [Deleted User]
  • Jen4948 said:

    I really wonder how much all those women really care on an individual basis about attending all those events they wouldn't otherwise be invited to except for "politics."  It's so much bullshit because nobody is entitled to gifts.

    Edited to add: Have any of these "small town" or "circle" women ever actually expressed hurt feelings at not being invited to someone's milestone event, or is it just assumed that they will have hurt feelings over not being invited?

    Well yes this is exactly what I was trying to get at with my question. I recognize there are social politics at any level - small town, high class, or otherwise. But seriously the whole tit for tat and "payback" cycle needs to be broken at some point and unfortunately it seems to get broken when "the asshole who speaks up" (I am always THAT PERSON)" does so. If not the eye rolling and whatnot will continue forever.

    It just seems very ironic to me. People expect to be invited to things like this but then complain about the quality of the event/level of hospitality they receive, but yet complain when they are not invited either. It is a no win situation.
    Jen4948
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