Bridesmaid Changing Out of Dress for Reception?

kittykyat

So today I dropped off my BMs dress to her (she happens to be FIs sister). Knowing the dress would be a little long on her I made a comment that if she didn't want to spend money having the dress hemmed (we are having a barefoot beach ceremony) that I didn't mind if she wanted to just hold her dress up while she walked in the ceremony and then could wear whatever height heels she wanted for the reception. Of course I would also be fine with her having the dress hemmed, but I know that can be expensive and didn't want her to feel pressured. After all, the ceremony is only 20 minutes, and if she didn't mind holding the dress up to save money I was going to be totally fine with it. After I made the comment she said that sounded like a good idea and she probably wouldn't get the dress hemmed, and that she was probably going to change into a different dress for the reception anyway. After she said this I was a little taken back and changed the subject really quickly. Part of me feels like it's no skin off my back if she changes out of the dress after pictures, but the other part of me feels like its kind of a strange thing to do when the entire event is only 3.5 hours long max (no gap).

The other weird thing is that I only have one other bridesmaid, my MOH, and I don't know if she would then feel weird still wearing her dress. 

Is it okay to kindly ask her to please wear the dress for the reception? Or do I need to just let it go? 

FWIW, we went dress shopping together and she said she liked the dress. I also didn't do the popular bridesmaid proposal, because I didn't want anyone to feel forced/obligated to be a bridesmaid. 

justsie

kittykyat said:

So today I dropped off my BMs dress to her (she happens to be FIs sister). Knowing the dress would be a little long on her I made a comment that if she didn't want to spend money having the dress hemmed (we are having a barefoot beach ceremony) that I didn't mind if she wanted to just hold her dress up while she walked in the ceremony and then could wear whatever height heels she wanted for the reception. Of course I would also be fine with her having the dress hemmed, but I know that can be expensive and didn't want her to feel pressured. After all, the ceremony is only 20 minutes, and if she didn't mind holding the dress up to save money I was going to be totally fine with it. After I made the comment she said that sounded like a good idea and she probably wouldn't get the dress hemmed, and that she was probably going to change into a different dress for the reception anyway. After she said this I was a little taken back and changed the subject really quickly. Part of me feels like it's no skin off my back if she changes out of the dress after pictures, but the other part of me feels like its kind of a strange thing to do when the entire event is only 3.5 hours long max (no gap).

The other weird thing is that I only have one other bridesmaid, my MOH, and I don't know if she would then feel weird still wearing her dress. 

Is it okay to kindly ask her to please wear the dress for the reception? Or do I need to just let it go? 

FWIW, we went dress shopping together and she said she liked the dress. I also didn't do the popular bridesmaid proposal, because I didn't want anyone to feel forced/obligated to be a bridesmaid. 

I say let it go. If she wants to change dresses after pictures are done what does it really matter? I also doubt the other BM will feel weird still wearing the BM dress, if she planned on doing that anyway then what is it to her? 

MobKaz

kittykyat said:

So today I dropped off my BMs dress to her (she happens to be FIs sister). Knowing the dress would be a little long on her I made a comment that if she didn't want to spend money having the dress hemmed (we are having a barefoot beach ceremony) that I didn't mind if she wanted to just hold her dress up while she walked in the ceremony and then could wear whatever height heels she wanted for the reception. Of course I would also be fine with her having the dress hemmed, but I know that can be expensive and didn't want her to feel pressured. After all, the ceremony is only 20 minutes, and if she didn't mind holding the dress up to save money I was going to be totally fine with it. After I made the comment she said that sounded like a good idea and she probably wouldn't get the dress hemmed, and that she was probably going to change into a different dress for the reception anyway. After she said this I was a little taken back and changed the subject really quickly. Part of me feels like it's no skin off my back if she changes out of the dress after pictures, but the other part of me feels like its kind of a strange thing to do when the entire event is only 3.5 hours long max (no gap).

The other weird thing is that I only have one other bridesmaid, my MOH, and I don't know if she would then feel weird still wearing her dress. 

Is it okay to kindly ask her to please wear the dress for the reception? Or do I need to just let it go? 

FWIW, we went dress shopping together and she said she liked the dress. I also didn't do the popular bridesmaid proposal, because I didn't want anyone to feel forced/obligated to be a bridesmaid. 

You say she said she "liked the dress".  Did you take her to the shop to show her a dress YOU had already selected?   If that is the case, there is not much else for her TO say.

Technically, once the ceremony ends, the role of bridesmaid ends as well.  She is now a guest at the reception.  If she wears it for formal pictures, I don't see why it is an issue if she changes out.  She clearly is not comfortable to remain in it, for whatever reason.  You need to let this go.

AddieCake

Let it go. It doesn't affect you or your wedding for her to change.

jacques27

Let it go.  She's a guest, not your prop.

Also, not sure why you would pick knowingly pick a dress that would be too long knowing you were having a barefoot reception. 

1.  Having to constantly pick up the dress calls attention to you in a bad way and points out to everyone else just how ill-fitting the dress is.

2. It's annoying to do (trust me, I've been there with ill-fitting clothes) and it's hard to enjoy the reception with a drink in your hand or mingle when you're constantly using your hands to make sure you don't trip over your clothing.  And your concession for that is I could wear heels?  Hell, I'd rather go naked.

If it's that important to you, either pick out a dress that fits properly and won't cause this issue or pick up the tab for the alterations.  Otherwise, let it go.

JediElizabeth

Personally, depending on the person, I may read that as passive-aggressive hate against the dress, if she said she liked it when you picked it out.

But like other people said, I'd also let it go, because it's such a tiny thing. There are so many better things to focus your time on.

lyndausvi

After pictures who cares?

I also think it's silly to not hem the dress.  Who wants to carry a dress while walking?  It will draw attention it's not fit properly.

jacques27 said:

Let it go.  She's a guest, not your prop.

Also, not sure why you would pick knowingly pick a dress that would be too long knowing you were having a barefoot reception. 

1.  Having to constantly pick up the dress calls attention to you in a bad way and points out to everyone else just how ill-fitting the dress is.

2. It's annoying to do (trust me, I've been there with ill-fitting clothes) and it's hard to enjoy the reception with a drink in your hand or mingle when you're constantly using your hands to make sure you don't trip over your clothing.  And your concession for that is I could wear heels?  Hell, I'd rather go naked.

If it's that important to you, either pick out a dress that fits properly and won't cause this issue or pick up the tab for the alterations.  Otherwise, let it go.

It's not exacted easy to find dresses that fit everyone perfectly.  I'm lucky, I seem to be the right height and rarely have to get things hemmed.  My sister who is 8 inches shorter has to have pretty much everything hemmed.   She is on a first name basis with her seamstress.  I don't even have one. 

Blue_Bird

This is not something to spend any time worrying about, and I certainly wouldn't ask her to wear the dress to the reception if she's already stated she intends to change.

downtondiva

I don't think it's a big deal if she wants to change out of the dress for the reception. It's unusual, but it's not a hill worth dying on. If you're concerned about your other bridesmaid, can't you just tell her she has the option to change as well?

jacques27

lyndausvi said:

After pictures who cares?

I also think it's silly to not hem the dress.  Who wants to carry a dress while walking?  It will draw attention it's not fit properly.

jacques27 said:

Let it go.  She's a guest, not your prop.

Also, not sure why you would pick knowingly pick a dress that would be too long knowing you were having a barefoot reception. 

1.  Having to constantly pick up the dress calls attention to you in a bad way and points out to everyone else just how ill-fitting the dress is.

2. It's annoying to do (trust me, I've been there with ill-fitting clothes) and it's hard to enjoy the reception with a drink in your hand or mingle when you're constantly using your hands to make sure you don't trip over your clothing.  And your concession for that is I could wear heels?  Hell, I'd rather go naked.

If it's that important to you, either pick out a dress that fits properly and won't cause this issue or pick up the tab for the alterations.  Otherwise, let it go.

It's not exacted easy to find dresses that fit everyone perfectly.  I'm lucky, I seem to be the right height and rarely have to get things hemmed.  My sister who is 8 inches shorter has to have pretty much everything hemmed.   She is on a first name basis with her seamstress.  I don't even have one. 

Oh, I get that.  I have trouble with it either fitting my hips, but not my chest or the other way around.  But most long dresses aren't designed with the intention of the person wearing them barefoot, let alone on the beach.  Nearly every beach wedding I've attended or seen pictures of either had a walkway so they were wearing heels or wedges or the bridesmaids were wearing knee or tea length dresses and barefoot (or flats/sandals) so the dresses aren't dragging in the sand.  And since this bridesmaid seems a bit on the shorter side, it seems, it probably would have been a good move to pick a color/style/fabric and let each one pick a dress that would have fit properly to begin with (unless of course it is a shorter dress already and the bridesmaid is so short that a knee or tea length gown drags on the ground for her to trip on, which I suppose is possible).  But, presumably the dresses have been purchased already and once the ceremony and formal pictures are done her obligation to wear it is over.

banana468

Every long BM dress I've seen I've had to hem. FWIW, I don't think it's unreasonable to make the BMS responsible for the alterations assuming those costs were factored into thear dress budgets. Few can be worn off the rack.

aurianna

Is barefoot weddings a thing? Will the sand be hot? I have baby feet that really hurt if I'm barefoot on hot sand too long...
Let her know you're fine with her wearing shoes during the ceremony if she prefers to...

glasgowtolondon

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times. Out of 5 dresses I've really liked maybe 1, but I've told each bride how much I liked all of them. So long as no one asks me to wear anything ill fitting or indecent, I'm happy to wear what they would like - its their pictures, KWIM?

Your FSIL sounds like she has done the same thing, no big deal. Will anyone really notice or care if she changes later? And it sounds like she said she probably rather than definitely - might not even happen!

STARMOON44

I think it's really strange to change out of your bridesmaid dress! And I don't think you are no longer a bridesmaid once the ceremony is over. I wouldn't wage world war three over it, but I think it would be fine to say "oh I was really hoping you'd wear the dress to the reception too"

redoryx

I dunno, if brides are allowed (and often do) change dresses for the reception, why can't the bridesmaids? 

spockforprez

I agree with @STARMOON44 . It's a little weird for her to change. Maybe I've been lucky in the style of bridesmaid dresses I've had to wear, but none of them are significantly less comfortable than any other dressy dress, so I don't really buy that excuse. 

I say change the dress. Tell her it seems like she's not comfortable in the dress because she wants to change and so you want her to find something she'd be comfortable in all night. 

SP29

Once the reception starts, your BMs no longer have any obligation to you, so she can change if she wants. Kind of weird to me, to carry around an extra dress and change mid-party (seems more work than it's worth!)- but whatever.

I agree though that it sounds like FSIL is uncomfortable in the dress more than anything. I would get the dress hemmed. That is generally part of the responsibility of the person buying the dress, but if the dress is already at her budget I can see her not wanting to spend the money. Telling her to wear heels for the reception is not a good option. You should not dictate what shoes she is wearing, and even for those who do wear heels, I know lots of people who remove them for the reception, particularly if dancing is involved. 

MobKaz

SP29 said:

Once the reception starts, your BMs no longer have any obligation to you, so she can change if she wants. Kind of weird to me, to carry around an extra dress and change mid-party (seems more work than it's worth!)- but whatever.

I agree though that it sounds like FSIL is uncomfortable in the dress more than anything. I would get the dress hemmed. That is generally part of the responsibility of the person buying the dress, but if the dress is already at her budget I can see her not wanting to spend the money. Telling her to wear heels for the reception is not a good option. You should not dictate what shoes she is wearing, and even for those who do wear heels, I know lots of people who remove them for the reception, particularly if dancing is involved. 

In reading some of the OP's posts, I have to wonder how much, if any, choice was given to the BM's.  It sounds as if the bride was more concerned about the BM dress matching the brides dress versus the comfort of the BM.  This may be another sad case of the vision taking precedence over the friend.  It sounds as if the OP was considering a dress change as well. 

YogaSandy

I wouldn't have cared if a BM changed. I was in a wedding where one did. NBD. However, I probably wouldn't change, because I already spent the money on the dress and it is most likely the only time I'll ever wear it, so I want to get my money's worth (unless I absolutely hated it).

Cookie Pusher

One of my BMs changed into a different dress once pictures and the intro were done. My mother changed from a skirt to pants, too. No fucks were given. I was happy they were both able to feel comfortable at the reception!

drunkenwitch

I've never worn a bridesmaid dress that was flattering or comfortable so I prefer to change once the pictures are done.

lyndausvi

aurianna said:

Is barefoot weddings a thing? Will the sand be hot? I have baby feet that really hurt if I'm barefoot on hot sand too long...
Let her know you're fine with her wearing shoes during the ceremony if she prefers to...

I can't stand walking in sand in shoes or sandals.     As far as the sand being  hot?  I think that depends.   In the islands the sand wasn't too hot, but I found at the Delaware beach it was scorching in mid-summer.

MesmrEwe

I'll be honest, I'd side-eye a BM for doing that, especially when there's only two.  UNLESS it's a casual backyard event where the temps are below 50 and everyone's freezing in their dresses, or just not fitting for the location, and even the Bride changes into casual clothes.  Even if the formal pictures are done, there are still bridesmaid duty/pictures taken at the reception (i.e. head table pictures, mingling with guests, bridal party dance, etc.).  This happened at SIL's wedding, and all of us side-eyed the BM especially since she wanted nothing to do with putting the dress back on for pictures she was informed about ahead of time would be taking place at the reception, and yes, it did put a ripple in an already tense relationship for quite a few years.

Hemming a dress on a plain bottom dress is not expensive and something anyone can do really - for $10 in supplies (provided one has access to an iron and ironing board..) it's easy to do one's self by hand and takes about an hour.  But it's also not expensive to have done professionally either ($20-40 depending on the location). 

IMO - I'd talk it over with your FI and if you both decide "the dress stays on" he's the one to break the news to her... 

kittykyat

MobKaz said:

SP29 said:

Once the reception starts, your BMs no longer have any obligation to you, so she can change if she wants. Kind of weird to me, to carry around an extra dress and change mid-party (seems more work than it's worth!)- but whatever.

I agree though that it sounds like FSIL is uncomfortable in the dress more than anything. I would get the dress hemmed. That is generally part of the responsibility of the person buying the dress, but if the dress is already at her budget I can see her not wanting to spend the money. Telling her to wear heels for the reception is not a good option. You should not dictate what shoes she is wearing, and even for those who do wear heels, I know lots of people who remove them for the reception, particularly if dancing is involved. 

In reading some of the OP's posts, I have to wonder how much, if any, choice was given to the BM's.  It sounds as if the bride was more concerned about the BM dress matching the brides dress versus the comfort of the BM.  This may be another sad case of the vision taking precedence over the friend.  It sounds as if the OP was considering a dress change as well. 


Box


Actually, my BMs and I all went shopping together and picked out a dress they both agreed on that was in their stated price range. And yes I did consider a dress change, however ultimately decided against it. A heavy wedding gown vs a light chiffon dress in my opinion are two completely different things.

Edited to add box

kittykyat

lyndausvi said:

aurianna said:

Is barefoot weddings a thing? Will the sand be hot? I have baby feet that really hurt if I'm barefoot on hot sand too long...
Let her know you're fine with her wearing shoes during the ceremony if she prefers to...

I can't stand walking in sand in shoes or sandals.     As far as the sand being  hot?  I think that depends.   In the islands the sand wasn't too hot, but I found at the Delaware beach it was scorching in mid-summer.

Box

The sand is not hot (to me anyway and I've been to this beach many times in all different types of weather) however anyone in the bridal party is more than welcome to wear any type of shoe or sandal if they would like.

kittykyat

Thank you everyone for your input. I guess since I have personally just never seen it happen I thought it was a little strange. My relationship with my future sister is much more important than a dress so I do appreciate your responses and will definitely just let it go.

As for why I "chose a dress I knew would be too long" : I have 1 tall and very thin bridesmaid and my FSIL who is petite. It is very difficult to find a one size fits all. Additionally, as I had been told this beach can get very windy in the evening, we all together agreed long would be best so they did not have to worry about a gust of wind coming during the ceremony and flashing everyone. Not Bc *I* would care, but Bc I wanted them to be comfortable and not feel self conscious and they agreed. I did not tell her she HAD to wear heels or COULDNT hem her dress. I was just trying to be nice and let her know that I personally am okay with whatever she needed to do. I apologize if that came off the wrong way.

MobKaz

MesmrEwe said:

I'll be honest, I'd side-eye a BM for doing that, especially when there's only two.  UNLESS it's a casual backyard event where the temps are below 50 and everyone's freezing in their dresses, or just not fitting for the location, and even the Bride changes into casual clothes.  Even if the formal pictures are done, there are still bridesmaid duty/pictures taken at the reception (i.e. head table pictures, mingling with guests, bridal party dance, etc.).  This happened at SIL's wedding, and all of us side-eyed the BM especially since she wanted nothing to do with putting the dress back on for pictures she was informed about ahead of time would be taking place at the reception, and yes, it did put a ripple in an already tense relationship for quite a few years.

Hemming a dress on a plain bottom dress is not expensive and something anyone can do really - for $10 in supplies (provided one has access to an iron and ironing board..) it's easy to do one's self by hand and takes about an hour.  But it's also not expensive to have done professionally either ($20-40 depending on the location). 

IMO - I'd talk it over with your FI and if you both decide "the dress stays on" he's the one to break the news to her... 

I and other posters agreed that IF a change in attire happened, it would only work once official wedding party pictures had been completed.

However, once the reception begins, the BM becomes a guest.  There are NO BM "duties".  What a BM wears does not impact her "mingling" and she is under NO obligation to "perform" any mingling other than what she chooses to do, and with whom she chooses.  I absolutely loathe any bride that forces anyone to perform in a bridal party dance, whether choreographed or not.  It makes NO sense and has NO bearing on the wedding or the couple.  It also speaks to why head tables should also become a thing of the past.  No reception failed because of a lack of head table.

SP29

MobKaz said:

MesmrEwe said:

I'll be honest, I'd side-eye a BM for doing that, especially when there's only two.  UNLESS it's a casual backyard event where the temps are below 50 and everyone's freezing in their dresses, or just not fitting for the location, and even the Bride changes into casual clothes.  Even if the formal pictures are done, there are still bridesmaid duty/pictures taken at the reception (i.e. head table pictures, mingling with guests, bridal party dance, etc.).  This happened at SIL's wedding, and all of us side-eyed the BM especially since she wanted nothing to do with putting the dress back on for pictures she was informed about ahead of time would be taking place at the reception, and yes, it did put a ripple in an already tense relationship for quite a few years.

Hemming a dress on a plain bottom dress is not expensive and something anyone can do really - for $10 in supplies (provided one has access to an iron and ironing board..) it's easy to do one's self by hand and takes about an hour.  But it's also not expensive to have done professionally either ($20-40 depending on the location). 

IMO - I'd talk it over with your FI and if you both decide "the dress stays on" he's the one to break the news to her... 

I and other posters agreed that IF a change in attire happened, it would only work once official wedding party pictures had been completed.

However, once the reception begins, the BM becomes a guest.  There are NO BM "duties".  What a BM wears does not impact her "mingling" and she is under NO obligation to "perform" any mingling other than what she chooses to do, and with whom she chooses.  I absolutely loathe any bride that forces anyone to perform in a bridal party dance, whether choreographed or not.  It makes NO sense and has NO bearing on the wedding or the couple.  It also speaks to why head tables should also become a thing of the past.  No reception failed because of a lack of head table.

We had a head table (that included SOs). I don't see how changing a dress would affect anything though. People would still know she is a BM-because she's sitting at the head table! And the SOs who sat at our table didn't "match", so what's a BM that doesn't "match"?

holyguacamole79

MobKaz said:

MesmrEwe said:

I'll be honest, I'd side-eye a BM for doing that, especially when there's only two.  UNLESS it's a casual backyard event where the temps are below 50 and everyone's freezing in their dresses, or just not fitting for the location, and even the Bride changes into casual clothes.  Even if the formal pictures are done, there are still bridesmaid duty/pictures taken at the reception (i.e. head table pictures, mingling with guests, bridal party dance, etc.).  This happened at SIL's wedding, and all of us side-eyed the BM especially since she wanted nothing to do with putting the dress back on for pictures she was informed about ahead of time would be taking place at the reception, and yes, it did put a ripple in an already tense relationship for quite a few years.

Hemming a dress on a plain bottom dress is not expensive and something anyone can do really - for $10 in supplies (provided one has access to an iron and ironing board..) it's easy to do one's self by hand and takes about an hour.  But it's also not expensive to have done professionally either ($20-40 depending on the location). 

IMO - I'd talk it over with your FI and if you both decide "the dress stays on" he's the one to break the news to her... 

I and other posters agreed that IF a change in attire happened, it would only work once official wedding party pictures had been completed.

However, once the reception begins, the BM becomes a guest.  There are NO BM "duties".  What a BM wears does not impact her "mingling" and she is under NO obligation to "perform" any mingling other than what she chooses to do, and with whom she chooses.  I absolutely loathe any bride that forces anyone to perform in a bridal party dance, whether choreographed or not.  It makes NO sense and has NO bearing on the wedding or the couple.  It also speaks to why head tables should also become a thing of the past.  No reception failed because of a lack of head table.

I'm with @MobKaz .  I didn't expect my bridal party to do any mingling or special dances at the reception.  Heck, one of them left around halfway through the reception.  

I was a MOH last year for a wedding and the bride chose one of those wretched dresses by a Chinese company that didn't fit right and couldn't be returned (even though I ordered a few sizes larger).  I didn't feel physically comfortable in it and asked if I could change out of it.  The bride said that she'd rather I wait until after my toast.  I literally sucked it up and just wore the whole thing all night.  But it was definitely unnerving.

lc07

I really don't understand why bridesmaids attire is dictated at all ever. 

drunkenwitch

lc07 said:

I really don't understand why bridesmaids attire is dictated at all ever. 

Amen.